What can I do?

[weddingdressdilemma]

Morning all
(Using an old account because it may be quite outing and I don’t want it linked to my usual posts).

DH is originally from abroad and moved to the UK as a teenager with his parents and brother. DH speaks fluent English but with his parents speaks the language of their country of origin.

DH and I have a DD3.

DH’s parents dislike speaking English although they get by ok having lived in the UK for 20 years. They only socialise with friends who can speak their language so do not have to speak English except outside of their work.

I do not have a good relationship with my PIL. The behaviour relevant to this thread is that they insist that all general conversations when we have visited them or they come to us have always taken place in their language (so around the dinner table for instance they, DH and my BIL will speak in this language). FIL does not speak to me at all and MIL will speak English to me when she has something particularly to say to me (but what she has to say is often not very nice). DH will of course speak to me or translate but will often carry on a conversation separately or laugh along to what is being said and then the moment passes.

My issue is this. DH would like DD to learn the language and I don’t disagree in principle as it must be great to be bilingual. He is is trying to do OPOL (One Parent One Language) at home but DD is pretty resistant to this, speaking back in English - also when I am around DH usually switches to English, either that or I only understand about half of what is being said, and then he gets cross with me for not being able to speak the language, especially as DD takes any opportunity to speak English. I have tried to learn the language on various occasions but it is relevant that my resentment at how I have been treated by DH’s family (and DH, if I am honest) has certainly impacted my willingness to learn and making the time to learn it - plus it’s not an easy one. I try not to influence DD, I would be willing to learn for her sake but if I am honest hearing the language in my home makes me so unhappy, it sort of hammers home several years of ill-treatment by PIL and I feel isolated and stupid (for not having learned the language).

What can I do?

Think about your daughter's future. To be bilingual is an excellent career advantage if nothing else.

I do think your in-laws are rude though but your husband is being disrespectful joining in.

You sounds jealous that your daughter is having relationships with other people that don’t involve you. I think you need to put this to one side and do what is best for DD, which is having two languages.

Thank you so much @rainbowstardrops, this is how I feel but put much more eloquently and succinctly.
DH has spoken to them about it. At best, they’ve just ignored him and carried on like he hasn’t spoken - at worst they’ve started shouting and eventually stormed out. Eventually I spoke up for myself and said I wasn’t prepared to sit and be ignored and that I would only do sit down meals for birthdays.

That isn’t the intention - she needs a relationship with her father of course and I have not prevented her from having a relationship with her grandparents despite their behaviour towards me.

I don't think they ABU to use their first language in their home. You have had lots of opportunity to learn at least a rudimentary amount. The language is your DC's heritage and as others have said, bilingualism is an asset. Im not sure how often you see them, that's very unclear but could you not try to learn a bit more to support your DD to be interested in doing so?

Good for you! I’m not sure I’d even do that to be honest!

No, they’re not @OhDorWheresthesalad, but they ABU in coming to my home and pretty much treating me like I don’t exist by holding entire conversations over a dinner I have cooked and served without including me in the conversation, when they have the ability to. They don’t actually dislike me, I’ve been nothing but respectful, it’s just that I’m completely beneath FIL’s notice and MIL is a cross between an Elevenerife and Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

I actually do understand a great deal and can make myself understood, I can even read and write in a different alphabet now, I just resent it. And DD will know more than I do in a couple of years and I worry about being constantly excluded.

How often are they coming to your home op?

It's ridiculous to insist you attend someone's home with your children and everyone is only permitted to converse in a language you do not understand or speak.

Tell them you and your children speak English. That you want them to be bilingual in time but you are not prepared to sit there in silence not understanding a word they are saying. That's ridiculous. Especially as they do actually speak English just fine.

Why doesn't your husband tell them where to go and defend you from the deliberate exclusion?

That is unfair, and I can totally see your resentment. They are guests in your home, and won't even converse with you in your own language - one which they can speak, but refuse to. That is downright bloody rude of them to do that in your house, and it is spineless of your DH to allow them to exclude you from conversations like that.

It's fair enough for them to speak their language in their home, but to deliberately do it in yours is really nasty of them.

It seems that your DH doesn't have your back on this.

I’ve had some really supportive messages on this thread, thank you.

It frustrates me that it feels that DH does not have my back in this regard. I suppose for the first few years I just went along with it too - it did not occur to me that I could speak up for myself and for DH it was just the norm. The language issue is very entrenched. DH mentioned the other day that he was never allowed to have school friends visit at home or really see them at weekends/holidays because that would involve DH and his BIL socialising with Brits and speaking English (!) There are cultural and personality issues here too along with some pretty unpleasant views and behaviour from PIL and DH feels he stands up for me and us when needed - we have never lived with them for instance, as several families from their culture of origin do, and he has put his foot down in relation to quite a few insane and overbearing demands from MIL over the years. DH has been clear that he does not want to cut them off though and I think he hopes that I would just learn the language over time / just tolerate them for a couple of hours at a time / learn not to take their behaviour personally. It is a shame because I would have loved to be close to my in laws and if they had just been nice people and kind to me and included me I would have gladly dedicated a great deal of time to learning the language if it was important to them.

I know I have caused some confusion upthread about their involvement in our lives. Before we had DD we used to see them once a week for dinner at their insistence, this snowballed when DD was born as they wanted to see her every day and that did impact me as I was breastfeeding and a SAHM until relatively recently. I managed to get this down to once a week, with DH’s support and he had very many arguments with them about this. Their visits made me so unhappy and after an incident where MIL came round on her own and was particularly nasty to me about my family when I was on my own with DD I found the words to tell them that they could only see DD when DH was about/occasionally take her for a couple of hours on her own - so that is 1/2 times a week where I see them briefly. I also put a stop to the weekly dinners at this time and said special occasions only.

Taking on the general feedback from this thread, learning this language is beneficial to DD and it would be wrong of me not to encourage that. I am thinking of learning a bit more because the alternative is that DH and DD can have conversations without me - triggering is a big word but it feels like such a massive negative flight or flight response when I hear the language and don’t understand what is being said - takes me straight to thinking about PIL and their treatment of me. I was thinking perhaps I should stop try to learning just online and from books (DH is not a great teacher if I am honest, he gets bored easily and is not very patient with an adult learner) and see if I can find a good tutor I like, am happy to learn with and speak to.