How do you feel about being called “darling” at work?

[NebulousWhistler]

I am a director at a city firm. So quite senior, relatively speaking. New male hire joins the team. More junior than me albeit probably 15 years older but not a direct report. However, he will working closely with me on a project involving a big client (think large global multi national). So I’ve been spending a lot of time with him, KT/mentoring etc. He’s been here around 3 weeks and when we are alone whether virtual, phone or in person meetings he has a tendency to refer to me as “darling”. As in “that’s really helpful, thanks so much darling”. Or dare I say it, “alright darling”.
He is a nice guy, I don’t think he realises he’s saying it, he’s a bit old school. But, I’m not loving it. I know I should just tell him to stop. But I don’t love confrontation.
Has anyone ever experienced this and how have you dealt with it, withouf things being awkward. I shouldn’t care as he’s the one who has created the situation. But it’s not really appropriate in this day and age.
I remember a time in the noughties when it was the norm and I wouldn’t have thought twice about it in work, I had that and far worse.
But I work for a lovely firm now where people are very respectful of each other. I should just shrug and not think anything of it. But it’s bothering me.

Call him darling, the penny might drop!

I think it would depend for me personally on a few things - if they did it to everyone, how they treat you otherwise, and if it's likely to have any impact on how you're perceived at work, plus of course - most importantly how you feel about it.

My manager has called me kid before- i found it somewhat amusing as I watched him try to eat back the words as they came out of his mouth so I knew it was something he was aware of, but now he has started to call me pet. Normally this would gall me - however, he does it with absolutely all female staff, has promoted all my work within the team, I feel otherwise very respected by him and know he has my back 100% and he actively supports and promotes my career development and is an excellent manager to the whole team. So from him I actually, weirdly, don't mind it at all whereas I absolutely would have from any other male colleagues and in the past I have challenged male colleagues on similar things. The key in this is how YOU feel though. Plus I work in a sector where this type of language is very common and I use it myself a lot as well.

I think if you feel uncomfortable then you need to raise it, if you generally respect him and you trust him then I'd go to him directly the next time he does it and just say to him - listen I know you probably do this to everyone out of habit but I would really prefer if you would just use my name instead of darling going forwards. See what he says and then just breeze on past and focus on whatever task is at hand.

If he's in any way decent he'll apologise, take it on board and will correct any slip ups if it is out of habit and will genuinely try to get it right. But if he doesn't, if there's any push back from him whatsoever, then he's doing you a massive favour by showing you who he really is so you'll know to have your guard up because he's not actually that nice and better the devil you know.

I've only had it from a female colleague who called everyone darling or babes

I really wouldn't like it from a male colleague.It's patronising.

My friends and I use the term darling quite a lot it's endearing, it depends how familiar you are with your boss but it's quite unprofessional, I would say. Please don't call me darling and move on

Tell him it’s unprofessional and disrespectful and ask him to stop. He is doing it to minimize the distance between his level and yours to create a more “equal” working environment. It’s not a democracy. He needs to pull his head in.

One of the headteachers I work with always calls me ‘lovey’ and a couple of other male colleagues call me darling. I can’t imagine why this would bother anyone.

And thinking about it, one of the female heads I work closely with calls everyone darling too. No-one has ever commented about it.

"He is doing it to minimize the distance between his level and yours to create a more “equal” working environment. "

The more I think about it I actually really agree with this especially considering the environment it sounds like you're working in. I'd actually be tempted to ask him directly if he calls any of the male directors darling and if not then why not?

Address him with pointedly sugary endearments (‘Take minutes, would you, flower petal?’) and if he looks surprised say ‘Oh, from your demeanour, we appeared to be on those terms. Suppose you address me by my name..’

Let's put it this way: I'd be willing to bet no woman ever has thought their working life would be improved by being addressed as darling or any other intimate name by a co-worker. Nor would their work life be diminished by its absence.

He won't be addressing male workers in this way.

You're not wrong OP, and your co-worker is.

This.

Ugh, I can’t stand being called ‘lovey’ by random women. It’s nauseating. It’s inappropriate to call people Lovey, darling or anything similar in the workplace. Who ever is saying it.

You could start with, "please call me Nebulous" and if that doesn't stop him, go on to the bit about being unprofessional etc.

It's probably partly unconscious, but I suspect he doesn't do it to male colleagues. If he really does do it yo literally everyone, I'd probably approach it a bit differently, but I'd still be encouraging him to stop.

The headteacher who calls me ‘lovey’ is a man. It doesn’t bother me at all

“Excuse me, my name is NebulousWhistler“

If it’s bothering you (it would bother me a bit too, I do think it’s misogynistic and potentially diminishing of your seniority as well, even if totally unconsciously done) then I think just tell him. But I would do it diplomatically and kindly, as it sounds likely he’s just a bit out of touch rather than deliberately “putting you in your place” type of thing. I also hate conflict but with someone you work with regularly I think it’s better to have a moment or two of awkwardness than have this irritating constantly rumbling by on in the background, plus he might let it slip in front of clients or other colleagues etc in the future which would be worse. Just say something like “look we get on well and I really like you as a colleague and a person, you do great work etc, but I hope you don’t mind me saying that I actually really dislike being called “darling”. I know you don’t mean it offensively but it grates on me a bit so would you mind just calling me by my name instead in future?”

I’m a GP and some of my male patients call me darling or love or honey etc. It grates slightly but I know none of them mean it in a disrespectful way at all (it’s the American female patients that start “ma’am-ing you that you really have to watch out for!). Sometimes they even catch themselves halfway through and apologise profusely 🤣🤣 Also when they accidentally casually swear which happens quite often, not at me but something like “Doc (I get that too!) I’m just so F-ing fed up of being in pain all the time”. For some reason I think they think I’ll be super offended like I’ve never sworn in my life 🤣

But I think it’s a bit different having this from a colleague, especially a junior colleague. Don’t think a colleague has ever called me any of these. Though one male colleague (a paramedic practitioner) did buy me some testicle shaped stress balls for Secret Santa one year - which I actually thought were hilarious but I do also remember thinking that was rather “brave” of him in the current climate really! He didn’t have the excuse of being old and out of touch either, he’s younger than me!

Just put on a clipped English voice like Captain Darling from Blackadder and say “Don’t call me darling”. He’ll get the reference and the hint.

Your seniority is your power not the words of others.

If you don't like it then you need to tell him. Or do it back to him until he notices how silly it is.

Someone at work calls me an equivalent of darling but I don't mind it because he calls everyone that, male and female, so its not a weird or patronising thing coming from him, but if I was the only one called darling, or only women were called it, then that wouldn't be on.

I'd tell him to stop.

I would tell him that it is unprofessional language in the workplace and he should stop.

Next time he does or just say “please don’t call me darling” as op said in a tight, clipped voice (channel our late queen)

Or ‘xxx could I remind you that it’s not appropriate to use terms like darling in the work place’ I’d add ‘some people find it very disrespectful, especially if the person is less senior’.

consciously or not he is doing this to undermine you - don’t look let him! It’s also in his own interest that he stops so telling him is right from every angle.

Is it just you he calls ‘darling’, is it just women, or is it everyone?

If it’s just you it needs calling out by you (as it’s a power thing, possibly subconscious, possibly not), if it’s all women it needs calling out by someone more senior (as it’s very misogynist) and if it’s everyone he might just be poor at remembering names, but still needs telling to stop.

Context is everything here.

You are a director FFS so pull up your Director Pants and tell him not to call you darling again. That is a privilege reserved for your parents/partner/close friends. It is overfamiliar and unprofessional.

My name is *Jane or Ma’am if you prefer.

Weirdly it probably wouldn’t bother me as much if he did it to everyone albeit I still think it’s disrespectful in the workplace. Well mine anyway. We have one team meeting and he hasn’t used any terms of endearments. Plus several client meetings and not there either. He also works closely with a very junior female colleague. I might ask her as she certainly wouldn’t speak up (not that I am either!)