MIL guilt tripping about second cousins

[stilll]

There is a huuuuge backstory here which I won’t go into but at 40 I hit an aabsolute wall with it all and have refused to be more than civil after a decade of unhinged behaviour, demands, complaints etc.

anyway, the endless bombardment of messages has continued to my husband - streams of consciousness that if unpicked at all are very clearly self aggrandising performances of how amazing she is and how full their life is etc. Then comes the ‘everyone is so shocked you don’t visit more’ etc etc.

she has recently fixated on the idea that our children are being deprived of magical childhood memories with their second cousins who they are apparently with all the time and who are all asking about why we don’t come etc etc (don’t believe this). My husband is weak with this stuff and I know it’ll soon be an issue here and so the TLDR question - is it normal to be not very close with second cousins who you are growing up 6+ hours away from and who you hear nothing from other than second hand messages via a nightmare MIL?

Of course it’s normal.

FFS.

I don't know my second cousins at all.

Actually we have second cousins who lived the other side of the country who we did get on with but we would only see them once every few years because of the distance
“
oh that’s a shame we don’t live close enough , had you are having such a great time “

I have many ‘ first ‘ cousins I never see and a few I’d probably pass in the street to be honest.
Second ones or ‘ first cousins once removed’ as my dad referred to them , I’ve no clue who any of them are.

Hardly ever seen my first cousins and not did my kids. Not drama or estrangement just other priorities and demands on n time.
Don’t be guilt tripped!

Not the point of the thread but 2nd cousins are the respective offspring of two first cousins and first cousin once removed is what your child is too your first cousin.

I’d say it depends on family dynamics. I’m very close to some second cousins. Others I wouldn’t recognise if I passed them
in the street. If you anticipate this being a problem with your DH, then maybe focus on that and why it’s a problem.

OP you haven’t expanded on the backstory. Do you like the extended family and do your children enjoy spending time with their cousins? Does your husband have a good relationship with his cousins?

Oh ok! Thanks for clearing this up. The ‘ once removed ‘ thing was mentioned a lot by dad as a child. I had visions of people being actually removed! I was only young though.

I have loads of second cousins. I don't have a relationship with any of them. One of my DDs is good friends with a second cousin, but partly because her mum is the first cousin I am closest to. My DDs have lots of second cousins, but only really one relationship of any depth.

Does she know some people... DONT HAVE ANY FIRST COUSINS?

I mean that's deprivation right there.
Won't anyone think of the second cousins?

Its obvious manipulative bullshit. Ignore.

I have loads of first cousins and know all of them, I know my mum had quite a few cousins so i assume i have 2nd cousins on her side and my dad has cousins scattered across Ireland so I probably have 2nd cousins on his side but I wouldn't know them if I fell over them tbh.

I get on with them all perfectly fine but don’t expect to have a close relationship as we live so far apart and everyone has their own kids / jobs etc. I can no longer tolerate my MIL. Her hysterics are escalating now and I can just see it all rolling down the hill at me. She plays a fantasy role of magical matriarch and the reality is nowhere near - she messages my husband over and over and over again day and night. My dad has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and she has managed to make an issue of how she was told. I honestly can’t do this much longer.

It.probably goes back to the days when families didn't really move out of the area so people would be related in some way to their neighbours these day ,s lots of people only keep in touch with the first generation if that most of us probably don't know our 2nd cousins
I'm.not even going to get into third cousins 🤣🤣

I have quite a few cousins. Most of them I really like, some are more like brothers and sisters to me. Two of them I can't stand, but I like and get on with their children, and my children are close to them. I really don't think there is any "normal" where cousins and second cousins are concerned!

Isnt she really your DHs problem to manage? Personally I'd be giving her very short shrift and ignoring her shenanigans, she sounds bonkers.

That's bonkers of your MIL. I grew up with zero first cousins and a few second cousins who were 20 years older and we didn't know all that well. But even people with second cousins of similar ages don't tend to know one another unless they happen to live nearby and/or happen to get on well and have a lot in common.

I'm sorry you're having to put up with this attention-seeking behaviour. Would be tempted to tell her that actually, no one would be surprised you don't visit more often. 😂

i thought second cousins were your parents cousins children and first cousins once removed were your cousins children.

I have to say, I wouldn’t say a super ‘close’ relationship but I do have a relationship and know and will see my 2nd cousins (dads cousins children) 1st cousins once and twice removed (my cousins children and grandchildren). Growing up we did see them. There was a significant age difference however. But the cousins we were close there (like came on holidays ect, saw them at Xmas) were my dads cousins and their children, and my first cousins children.

I think it’s all just family and we would refer to them all as a cousin.

Second cousins = parents cousins’ children

despite her claims that everyone is eternally shocked we aren’t there for these incredible family gatherings, the last time she organised one at her house when we were there only a few turned up, none of their wives and just a handful of the kids as they all had clubs and parties etc - ie living normal lives just like we are!

I have one cousin who I know well enough to greet in the street. There are loads of first cousin once removed type cousins in the extended family, but I've met them rarely at funerals and the like as by the time we got to my generation everyone was spread out across England. In my parents generation they all lived within a few streets and went to the same school, so I can understand what your MiL is getting at. Society has changed dramatically so don't be guilted into feeling that you or your offspring are deprived by lack of on-the-doorstep extended family.

My second cousins are my parents' cousins so other than seeing them at family parties and exchanging Christmas cards, I fail to see how the relationship can cause drama....

MIL is like this, she tries to push all sorts of relationships on people.
My DC barely know their cousins and aren't too bothered BUT they are quite close to DH's Cousins DC as they are similar ages and I am friends with their Mum. Its largely geographical and age based IMO

I don’t know know any of my second cousins but DH does know loads of his because his family had kept the mutual great grandparents house and land which was kept by the family for a few generations so we used to all meet up there. Sold now sadly but DS also got to meet his third cousins.

I can't remember exactly how many second cousins I have. I don't think I've seen any of them since my grandpa's funeral 17 years ago.

I've got 10 first cousins, all of whom I got on with reasonably as a child, but I have only seen ?3 of them since pre-Covid. We're all scattered around the country and several are overseas.

My kids have 11 second cousins, I think, but have only met 3.

My DC don't even have close relationships with their first cousins and haven't so much as met most of their more distant relatives. My MIL tried very hard to create a bond between her grandchildren but in all honesty whilst they get along fine when they do meet at family events and have nothing against each other they aren't close. My DC care more about their friends than their cousins and I have no doubt that feeling is reciprocated.
In the days when families more commonly lived in the same area for their whole lives and cousins grew up physically close together and saw each other frequently then you'd expect stronger family relationships. My DC grew up at the other end of the country from their cousins and now they're mostly grown up they're even more scattered - they're not even all living on the same continent currently. Times change and the population is more mobile. Families who are geographically distant are less likely to build strong relationships and you can't force it. As long as a child has enough friends I don't think they're in any way deprived if they don't see much of their extended families. There's no guarantee relatives will even like each other anyway!

I see my first. Second, third and fourth cousins! But that’s cultural. You do you