Is this a lovely offer, or a bit odd?

[Clockforce]

I've been seeing a man, 5 years younger than me for 9m. He's never married and has no DC. He's presents quite young , in that he has no real responsibilities and enjoys an active life. That's all good for me, at my stage of life, I'm just looking for someone to have fun with and he does that well. He's very sociable and gets on well with people of all ages.

I have a 22yo son who is really struggling with life, following a major trauma. His spark has gone completely, he lost his apprenticeship and whilst he does go to his minimum wage job regularly, he spends the rest of his time on computer games. I'm proud of him for the job BTW, it's not what we (he or I) hoped for him, but he picked himself up and got a job, is reliable at it, despite his struggles.

He was never particularly sociable, lockdown broke most of his friendships and those that remained have drifted away since he's been unwell.

Anyway, BF has offered to take him out to play pool. I doubt he'll take up the offer, but it's nice that BF wants to help. Or it's odd that he thinks this struggling young man, would want to spend time with his mother's BF and that that might help?

FWIW DS won't engage with any counselling and he's been living like this for 3 years now.

I don’t think it’s odd at all. It’s a nice thing to do and sounds like a pressure free way to socialise.

Sounds like a great idea, get him out and about rather than indoors stuck in a downward spiral.

Not odd at all, it's a nice gesture and shows he cares about your son and is willing to bond with him!

It's actually a potentially helpful thing to offer. Low-key, no-pressure, nothing he'll feel bad about refusing, but it will get him physically out of the house into the company of one or more other people for some reason other than his job.

Your response to it is a bit odd, though. Your boyfriend isn't expecting your son to want to 'spend time with him', it's literally a low-key hangout that probably won't even involve any conversation beyond the minimum.

In what way do you think it's odd? You thinking it's odd is more odd than the offer 🤷‍♀️

I'd be happy he offered.

I agree with PP, your reaction is a bit odd! BF sounds like a decent man, either he genuinely wants to bond with DS or he likes you enough to known that your DS is priority and gaining his trust is half the way to gaining your heart. Both are very noble reasons.

Yes, good, that's what I was hoping.

He does seem like an incredibly decent man, but I'm wary of the too good to be true types.

He's reached late 40s and no-one's snapped him up. What's the catch? 😆

Yea it’s your reaction that’s a bit odd.

He sounds nice

Of course it's not odd! Your reaction on the other hand...

I'm a huge cynic, but even I can't see any problem with this. I think it's really lovely.

FYI, I met my DH when he was 35, no marriages or kids in his past - he's been a diamond. Can't believe he didn't get snapped up younger. Together 17 years now.....

Hmm, I think 35 is a typical age for men to be "snapped up". Late 40s otoh...

You’re overthinking it. He’s trying to be nice. Whether your son will have any interest in engaging is another matter, but I don’t see any issues with the offer.

As for not being “snapped up” before now, not everyone sees going onto the ark two by two as the ultimate goal in life. Maybe he was just happy enough to be single before now.

Is this a very new relationship? You seem very untrusting of this man. Has he given you reason?

I'm not untrusting of him no. I'm untrusting of men and wary of falling for too good to be true.

Well, that's why I was asking, as you seemed to be overreacting to a nice, but fairly normal offer of a pool game with your reclusive son that your son is unlikely to take up. That doesn't seem at all 'too good to be true' to me, just a nice, but ordinary enough offer for your sake.

I think male friendships can be far more uncomplicated than female friendships. Fewer men tend to overplay all these things in their head, worrying about whether asking a man to go for a pint might be “odd” or get suspicious about whether a man might have an ulterior motive for asking - as so many women seem to do. Your boyfriend will have had his own share of life’s knocks, and a lot of them will very likely have been counselled over a casual game of pool and a beer and a bit of a laugh. He’s making the sort of nice, open offer that I imagine he’d make to any adult son of any friend who was going through the shit a bit, not doing anything “too good to be true.” I hope your DS takes him up on it.

Being childfree and wanting to prioritise living the life he wanted over marriage and children isn’t some sort of red flag. If he hasn’t wanted children and wasn’t ever much fussed about marriage then I imagine he’ll have had previous relationships end because his partner did want those things; and will have since turned other women down because many women his own age will be single mums in the trenches of caring for young children, and he doesn’t want that (and you’re not that.)

When i met dh he was 31 and I was 41! My ds's were 22 and 19. He used to go play pool with them!!
He is a decent man and he said he felt privileged to be invited to be part of our family.
Been married 10 years and have a dc together..
He has no dc and had never been married.

I think that sounds nice.

Maybe his standards are super high and you're the only one who's ever measured up... maybe he grew up late.

My best mate met and married a man in their late 40s, first marriage for both. Both utterly wonderful people who just didn't meet the right person until they met each other. Its as simple as that, doesn't mean anything is wrong with them.

Always good to be cautious, but maybe he wasn't 'snapped up' because he was the fussy one, waiting for the right person to come along. That appears to be you, which is lovely 💐

It seems like a nice offer, although I get that in this day and age, everyone is overly cautious nowadays.

I have a friend who met a man of about 40, never married never had kids. I think possibly just unlucky in love. He became an immediate Dad to her DC, however she was the hesitant one as you are OP, but he loved that she had DC, some men really do have strong paternal urges and things don't work out in life as they hope. He was ridiculously enthusiastic about doing ordinary Dad things like kicking a ball, going to the beach. It was lovely. They are out there!!