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Original poster

Is this a lovely offer, or a bit odd?

55 replies

Clockforce · 12/08/2025 12:03

I've been seeing a man, 5 years younger than me for 9m. He's never married and has no DC. He's presents quite young , in that he has no real responsibilities and enjoys an active life. That's all good for me, at my stage of life, I'm just looking for someone to have fun with and he does that well. He's very sociable and gets on well with people of all ages.

I have a 22yo son who is really struggling with life, following a major trauma. His spark has gone completely, he lost his apprenticeship and whilst he does go to his minimum wage job regularly, he spends the rest of his time on computer games. I'm proud of him for the job BTW, it's not what we (he or I) hoped for him, but he picked himself up and got a job, is reliable at it, despite his struggles.

He was never particularly sociable, lockdown broke most of his friendships and those that remained have drifted away since he's been unwell.

Anyway, BF has offered to take him out to play pool. I doubt he'll take up the offer, but it's nice that BF wants to help. Or it's odd that he thinks this struggling young man, would want to spend time with his mother's BF and that that might help?

FWIW DS won't engage with any counselling and he's been living like this for 3 years now.

OP posts:
Noshadelamp · 12/08/2025 14:09

Clockforce · 12/08/2025 12:27

Hmm, I think 35 is a typical age for men to be "snapped up". Late 40s otoh...

Show quote history

But you're assuming a man wants to be "snapped up" as if they are a designer handbag in a 90% off sale.
Perhaps he didn't want to settle down, or hasn't found the right person worth his effort.

Original poster
Clockforce · 12/08/2025 14:17

Noshadelamp · 12/08/2025 14:09

But you're assuming a man wants to be "snapped up" as if they are a designer handbag in a 90% off sale.
Perhaps he didn't want to settle down, or hasn't found the right person worth his effort.

Show quote history

Maybe that's what makes me uneasy.

There's nothing so special about me that a man who's resisted settling down should want to do it for me and my struggling son. 😆

OP posts:
HeroicFailure · 12/08/2025 14:20

Clockforce · 12/08/2025 14:17

Maybe that's what makes me uneasy.

There's nothing so special about me that a man who's resisted settling down should want to do it for me and my struggling son. 😆

Show quote history

But is he 'settling down'? You've only been together for nine months, and you say you're 'just looking for someone to have fun with, and he does that well'.

I mean, it sounds to me as if neither of you is interested in settling down, and that this is fine for you both, which is why the relationship works...?

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Original poster
Clockforce · 12/08/2025 14:23

HeroicFailure · 12/08/2025 14:20

But is he 'settling down'? You've only been together for nine months, and you say you're 'just looking for someone to have fun with, and he does that well'.

I mean, it sounds to me as if neither of you is interested in settling down, and that this is fine for you both, which is why the relationship works...?

Show quote history

I guess it depends what you mean by settling down. Neither of us wants to live together, but it very much is an exclusive relationship with plans booked for travel together well into the future.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 12/08/2025 14:37

Clockforce · 12/08/2025 14:17

Maybe that's what makes me uneasy.

There's nothing so special about me that a man who's resisted settling down should want to do it for me and my struggling son. 😆

Show quote history

But what exactly are you uneasy about? It’s not as if he’s offering to take your preschoolers to a swim session and help them get naked before and after. He’s offering to take your adult son for a beer and a game of pool. He likes you, he’ll know it upsets and worries you that your DS is in a bit of a shit place right now, he thinks it might be good for him to get out of the house and perhaps open up a bit to a man who is neither his parent nor a peer who he might be too embarrassed or too proud to talk about the shit with.

It sounds as though the relationship works because neither of you is looking to “settle down”: it can have longevity and commitment without the pressure and the children question he wanted to avoid when younger.

Dweetfidilove · 12/08/2025 14:45

Maybe he's had his fair share of struggles and understands what you're som is experiencing, and is trying to help him in a way he thinks might work.

He sounds a thoughtful man. Not everyone's goal is marriage and children and it's better he's lived his life the way he has, than fucking up a woman and some children's lives.

HeroicFailure · 12/08/2025 14:51

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/08/2025 14:37

But what exactly are you uneasy about? It’s not as if he’s offering to take your preschoolers to a swim session and help them get naked before and after. He’s offering to take your adult son for a beer and a game of pool. He likes you, he’ll know it upsets and worries you that your DS is in a bit of a shit place right now, he thinks it might be good for him to get out of the house and perhaps open up a bit to a man who is neither his parent nor a peer who he might be too embarrassed or too proud to talk about the shit with.

It sounds as though the relationship works because neither of you is looking to “settle down”: it can have longevity and commitment without the pressure and the children question he wanted to avoid when younger.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly this. The current status quo works for both people, but the OP appears to be overthinking both the offer to play pool with her depressed 22 year old son AND her boyfriend being somehow too good to be true, or, conversely, having something wrong with him because he hasn't been 'snapped up' before his late 40s.

Laiste · 12/08/2025 14:54

Campingisnexttogodliness · 12/08/2025 13:18

When i met dh he was 31 and I was 41! My ds's were 22 and 19. He used to go play pool with them!!
He is a decent man and he said he felt privileged to be invited to be part of our family.
Been married 10 years and have a dc together..
He has no dc and had never been married.

Pretty much exactly the same here! My kids were younger and there was more of them mind you 🤪 Married 13 yrs this year and he's been the most wonderful father and step father 😍

Cranberryavocado · 12/08/2025 15:02

That is a nice thing to do. Take him up on the offer. He might get into it and join a pub pool team or something and meet new people. Sounds like it will be good for him to have some male company like that.

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 12/08/2025 15:12

Clockforce · 12/08/2025 14:23

I guess it depends what you mean by settling down. Neither of us wants to live together, but it very much is an exclusive relationship with plans booked for travel together well into the future.

Show quote history

It’s really what you mean by settling down OP.

NameChangedOfc · 12/08/2025 15:39

I'd be more interested to know why do you think it's odd: is something telling you that you should worry about the offer?

MyMilchick · 12/08/2025 15:44

It's a really lovely offer, it's great your b/f has an interest and wants to offer something to try and help

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 12/08/2025 15:45

You say, if he settled already, why would he settle with me; that’s a lack of confidence in yourself don’t you think?

GAJLY · 12/08/2025 15:52

Think that's lovely and will bring him out of his shell.

WFHforevermore · 12/08/2025 16:00

How strange that you find it odd.....do you have issues with men in general?

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 12/08/2025 16:04

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 12/08/2025 15:45

You say, if he settled already, why would he settle with me; that’s a lack of confidence in yourself don’t you think?

Obviously I meant if he hasn’t settled already…

Fentyfan · 12/08/2025 16:13

Not odd at all, I mean what’s special about any of us really? That alchemy that makes someone say this is my person is really hard to nail down. Don’t worry so much, even if it doesn’t work out long term maybe he’ll stay friends with your son.

a lot of adults can relate to how although being in your twenties ought to be great, often it isn’t.

OuijaBoard · 12/08/2025 16:24

I don't think it's odd; he's offering a relaxed night out locally not an all-expenses-paid cruise to Antarctica. Some people issue these types of invitations quite freely and really enjoy the company and experience; he might or might not be making a special effort for your son because of his recent limitations. And if he's doing it to please you, that alone isn't really an issue; if the two of you care for each other thoughtful acts should be roughly reciprocal over time.

If your question is "why is he still single and actively dating in his late '40s?" (rather than being happily alone). There's not enough context here to guess but you probably have a lot more, or can get it through discussion with him, unless you think he's being dishonest with you about his identity and/or intentions. No doubt he has flaws, but they could be anything.

cattykinns · 12/08/2025 16:41

What on earth do you think is odd about this?

Missj25 · 12/08/2025 21:49

Clockforce · 12/08/2025 12:03

I've been seeing a man, 5 years younger than me for 9m. He's never married and has no DC. He's presents quite young , in that he has no real responsibilities and enjoys an active life. That's all good for me, at my stage of life, I'm just looking for someone to have fun with and he does that well. He's very sociable and gets on well with people of all ages.

I have a 22yo son who is really struggling with life, following a major trauma. His spark has gone completely, he lost his apprenticeship and whilst he does go to his minimum wage job regularly, he spends the rest of his time on computer games. I'm proud of him for the job BTW, it's not what we (he or I) hoped for him, but he picked himself up and got a job, is reliable at it, despite his struggles.

He was never particularly sociable, lockdown broke most of his friendships and those that remained have drifted away since he's been unwell.

Anyway, BF has offered to take him out to play pool. I doubt he'll take up the offer, but it's nice that BF wants to help. Or it's odd that he thinks this struggling young man, would want to spend time with his mother's BF and that that might help?

FWIW DS won't engage with any counselling and he's been living like this for 3 years now.

I think it’s odd that you think it’s odd !!
Clearly you have a nice bf who is invested in you & is making an effort to bond with your son …

YellowZebraStripes · 12/08/2025 22:00

I'm a mid 40s female and no one has snapped me up yet 😂. We do exist. I think as long as there's no hint of binge drinking or drugs then go for it.

Laura95167 · 13/08/2025 18:12

You BF has seen you worry about your boy and offered to do something to help you both. I think its lovely.

Chinsupmeloves · 13/08/2025 18:33

Not at all odd, very kind of your BF to want to get to know him better and take him out from his routine. Hope they have a lovely time. Xxx

Spinmerightroundbaby · 13/08/2025 19:22

Clockforce · 12/08/2025 12:03

I've been seeing a man, 5 years younger than me for 9m. He's never married and has no DC. He's presents quite young , in that he has no real responsibilities and enjoys an active life. That's all good for me, at my stage of life, I'm just looking for someone to have fun with and he does that well. He's very sociable and gets on well with people of all ages.

I have a 22yo son who is really struggling with life, following a major trauma. His spark has gone completely, he lost his apprenticeship and whilst he does go to his minimum wage job regularly, he spends the rest of his time on computer games. I'm proud of him for the job BTW, it's not what we (he or I) hoped for him, but he picked himself up and got a job, is reliable at it, despite his struggles.

He was never particularly sociable, lockdown broke most of his friendships and those that remained have drifted away since he's been unwell.

Anyway, BF has offered to take him out to play pool. I doubt he'll take up the offer, but it's nice that BF wants to help. Or it's odd that he thinks this struggling young man, would want to spend time with his mother's BF and that that might help?

FWIW DS won't engage with any counselling and he's been living like this for 3 years now.

i think it’s a nice gesture. He cares about you and knows you are concerned. It shows he is serious about you if he wants to get to know and support your son.

cheziebabe · 13/08/2025 20:23

your bf is wonderful and showing you he cares. I hope your son accepts. it is baby steps to him gaining confidence around people.

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