I don’t like who I am

[Hatewhoiam]

But I’m not sure how to help myself. Am late 40s so perimenopausal, which really isn’t helping, but I’ve been this way my whole life. I don’t cope well with situations where there are lots of people/noise, especially if I haven’t slept well or haven’t had time alone to decompress for a while, and end up either snapping or just retreating into myself and not speaking. Eg we’ve just had a nice holiday (although the kids have bickered the whole time which hasn’t helped) but I found myself getting more and more wound up as we went through the airport. Too hot, busy, worried we were going to be late even though I’d planned ahead so we had loads of time, annoyed that no one seemed to be taking any responsibility for anything except me (eg what we were going to do about lunch, whether we needed extra water etc). I KNOW I need to lighten up and not be such a miserable cow, but just can’t seem to do it in the midst of the situation.

I also don’t realise how anxious I am a lot of the time unless something happens that sets me off. (I don’t shout, scream or anything like that, but I just feel myself getting more and more annoyed by a situation and as much as I try to hide it, I can’t always manage to). Silly things like a wasp was bothering us at lunch, and I just felt myself getting more and more panicky and trying to flick it away - ended up standing away from the table while everyone else ate which I know was stupid and immature, and embarrassing, but I just couldn’t seem to do anything differently in the moment.

My extended family don’t seem to particularly like me either - they seem to be permanently cross with me for moving away and not being around to help with elderly parents, and it feels as if they are starting to blame me for my parents getting older. I live hundreds of miles away and have young kids - I do what I can but obviously can’t do a lot on a day to day basis. Every message from them feels like a dig at me - I feel so guilty that I can’t be there but am having to put my phone down and walk away so I don’t write a snarky message back.

I’m not really sure what I want to get from this post. I don’t know how I can change myself so that I’m nicer. Are some people just not very nice and is it ever possible to change that? What can I do to help myself be nicer to be around?

You sound like an introvert. Join us. It's nice here.

Im just hearing in your message that you're having to worry about two different generations and you're sandwiched in the middle. I think you should acknowledge this and not beat yourself up. I've felt similar to you and anti anxiety meds have helped me beyond measure. Do you have any time for yourself? If not, can you create any space for this?

Im just hearing in your message that you're having to worry about two different generations and you're sandwiched in the middle. I think you should acknowledge this and not beat yourself up. I've felt similar to you and anti anxiety meds have helped me beyond measure. Do you have any time for yourself? If not, can you create any space for this?

You are being very hard on yourself! None of the things you mention here indicate that you are not nice. Even when your family are making digs at you, you're restraining yourself so that you don't react.

Beating yourself up about your anxiety is only going to make it worse and make you more annoyed with yourself. Being kind to yourself and accepting that you are anxious about things isn't going to magically cure the anxiety, but it might make you feel a bit better.

Have you been to the gp about your anxiety or tried any self-help methods?

I came across a quote the other day that resonated with me:

"You think you're an introvert because you like being alone. But in reality you just love being at peace. And you're actually extroverted around people who bring you peace."

I like that quote- it’s very true that I feel I can only be my real self when I feel at peace with the people I’m with. I feel like I’m no fun to be around, I don’t find silliness particularly funny so when the kids are messing around, it just annoys me even if they are just having fun. I wouldn’t want to spend time with me so I can see why others don’t want to either. I feel like I was a better parent when they were younger and the kids appreciated me then, and wanted to be around me, but now the kids just give each other side eye when I speak. I call them out for being rude every time I catch them but I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m the funsucker and that they just don’t like me. It’s like they are in a little gang that I’m not part of, and it’s taking me back to the struggles I had fitting in with my sisters and with friendship groups all my life. Weirdly I’m actually quite ok with who I am when it’s just me, or for a work situation, but I can’t seem to cope
with social stuff. Just wish I could be a fun person to be around, even tempered and not a stresshead. Haven’t tried anxiety medicine as I’m fine at home in my own environment so not sure it’s something I need?

Thank you for kind words too, they are appreciated (see, I forgot to say thank you and just wanged on about myself again ). Just doesn’t seem to come naturally to put others first.

How much time do you have just for you to do little things for yourself even if it's just read a book or go and get a coffee? I think life can be overwhelming generally. There's so much to try and keep on top of and sometimes things like the weather and being overly hot /wasps can be what tips you over the edge even if you now your response know is disproportionate .
how old are your kids? I think we all go through that stage where we used t centre of their universe and could do no wrong to being the fun police -that stage doesn't last forever either.
/ Are you also making sure or trying to make sure that you get enough sleep, eating well ,staying hydrated etcetera because these really can have a knock on effect.

Ok, this post has totally confirmed that you're being consistently and unnecessarily hard on yourself. The thread is about your issues, so the whole point is to 'wang on about yourself' . You're not going to get much help out of a thread if you're putting other posters first! And you did say thank you.

Honestly, I have such a privileged life, I really can’t say that there’s any reason for me to find things so difficult. I have time when they are school to do my own things, although I’m really shit at managing the house and can’t seem to keep it tidy however hard I try. I have time to do all the things, but I just don’t seem to be able to organise myself to do them. I get overwhelmed and end up getting nothing done. Not sleeping brilliantly, but go to bed around 10 so even if I’m awake I. The night I generally think I have enough sleep. Try to exercise as often as I can, take my vitamins, eat reasonably well. We have enough money to live well, keep roof over our head, not worry about bills etc. Why oh why can I not seem to function like a decent human being when I have all these advantages that most people would absolutely kill for? I am so lucky with everything I have, why can’t I just achieve stuff like everyone else seems to be able to do? Be a nice person, keep a tidy house, have fun with my (mostly) lovely kids, be a good daughter and sister? I have everything going for me but I just don’t seem to function properly.

All the things you say you want to be are in relation to other people. And kind of in the service of other people. You sound overwhelmed and resentful (which you are fully entitled to be I’m not having a dig) and so the little things, the wasp etc you can’t cope with. It’s the straw that broke the camels back.

what do you want to be for you, not in relation to how other people Perceive you or what they get out of you?

just because people make comments doesn’t mean they are true, you are entitled to move away from parents, not your job to look after them.

I always try and repeat the quote “what other people think of me is none of my business”.

Actually that’s an interesting point. I do feel resentful, but I have no reason to be as I do have time to do things for myself and enjoy them. I gave up my career when the kids were little (don’t need to work as made good investments when I was earning and need to be available as a taxi due to where we live, so would be more hassle/expense all round if I went back to work) but I do feel like now they are getting older, they don’t need me and I don’t know who I am anymore.

I guess with the holiday I put so much effort into finding a place that would work for teenagers, enough bedrooms to keep everyone happy, lots of activities on site for them to do - and then it felt like everyone just argued the whole time and were only happy back at the apartment on their phones. I see other families and they all seem to get on well, have fun together, and my kids are just so snippy the whole time. They used to be lovely but are just not nice company at the moment. (Age 12 and 15).

You are being very hard on yourself. I bet you wouldn’t say to a friend the things you’ve said about yourself. I think you need to see your gp about some anxiety medication and also begin to look into techniques for self care. Have you tried yoga, meditation, just walking in the fresh air? Maybe try a gratitude journal, positive affirmations. I’m beginning to sound a bit woowoo, but it doesn’t need to be anything heavy. Just allowing yourself to appreciate the moment. Take just one moment for just you. Then take another. You have a lot to offer, but you need to reconnect with yourself.

Every year on our family holiday, I used to end up snapping at someone, and I always felt so terrible about it for days afterwards, and wondered what exactly was wrong with me. I honestly felt like such a horrible person!

I know now it was due to my ADHD which I was diagnosed with two years ago. I found it too overwhelming for me, too many people, too much noise, too long being with that many people. I had a meltdown every time, but didn't realise what it was.

I am not saying you definitely have ADHD OP, but a lot of things you have written make me think that it may be a possibility. My ADHD is the Inattentive type. I struggle with organising the house, my short term memory is atrocious, on bad days I cannot bring myself to move from the sofa as all the things that I need to do are going around in my head and it is too much! I have some sensory issues, mainly noise related and many other things that affect me daily.

Many women get diagnosed later in life as it wasn't picked up when they were at school, I certainly didn't know when I was at school that girls could even have ADHD.

You aren't a bad person OP, sometimes things just get too much and our brains can't cope with them x

I’ve done so many online tests for autism and adhd (AQ, Cat-Q, RAADS-R) and consistently score highly - but then I’m so wary of self diagnosis/Dr Google and it’s so easy to answer the questions in a way so you get the results you are looking for. I was very academic at school, had high flying job etc, and as part of my job did all the personality assessments (myers-briggs etc) Did always think the results were meaningless as they just reflected how you were feeling in that particular moment, and if you’d answered in a different frame of mind you’d get different results? So I’m wary of online ‘self-assessments’ and I wouldn’t want to waste NHS resources when generally I’m coping ok with life. I could pay for private assessment I suppose but would that actually make any difference? Having a diagnosis wouldn’t make me into a nicer more tolerant person…

Definitely food for thought if you are seeing signs based on your own experience though. Have you found things better since your diagnosis? How has it helped (beyond knowing that your brain is wired differently)?

You don't mention a DH? Are you single? That is crucial information in this situation.

now the kids just give each other side eye when I speak. I call them out for being rude every time I catch them but I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m the funsucker and that they just don’t like me. It’s like they are in a little gang that I’m not part of

At age 12 and 15 you don't need to keep telling them off, even if they are being a bit rude. Trust that you brought them up well, that they do in fact know how to behave, and are generally kind people.
Detach. No need to jump on them for giving each other conspiratorial looks about you.
As teenagers (12 is nearly a teen), it is practically in their job description that they don't "like" you, leave you out of their gang, and generally act like arseholes. Rest assured, they do still love you, and will no doubt be absolutely wonderful when they get into their twenties.

If you really feel hurt by them, just say in a matter of fact tone "that was rude" or "you are being rude", but say it with no emotion, as if you were saying "your shoelace is undone". Then change the subject, or look away and say no more.

Thank you, that’s really helpful for me to think about. I’m so conscious that I want them to grow up as decent human beings, maybe I do just need to let some things go rather than picking them up on every thing. It definitely doesn’t make for happy times if I do! Am married, DH is a good husband and generally a good egg- he’s hands on when not at work and will also tell them off when they are being challenging! I am hopeful that this is just a normal teenage phase and they aren’t going to grow up as shitbags. I do worry that my behaviour is making things worse and everyone just ends up upset.

I struggled to ,hard to fit in ,hard to not be anxious about things that didn't seem to bother others
I was fine with my kids ,then I wasn't when they were young adults ,just the same as with everyone else
I was diagnosed autistic age 50
And I getting assessed for ADHD soon

I agree with PP, anxiety meds will help a lot. But you also have to think about what you enjoy. I’ve started playing tennis with one of the kids

So, when it comes to things like this:

I’d planned ahead so we had loads of time, annoyed that no one seemed to be taking any responsibility for anything except me (eg what we were going to do about lunch, whether we needed extra water etc)

...what is DH doing? Is he leaving it all to you to decide? Is he basically a passenger in family life?

why can’t I just achieve stuff like everyone else seems to be able to do? Be a nice person, keep a tidy house, have fun with my (mostly) lovely kids, be a good daughter and sister? I have everything going for me but I just don’t seem to function properly

Who is putting these expectations on you? Do you really believe that every other mother has a tidy house, is a "nice" person all the time, having fun, being a "good" daughter and sister?
I'll let you into a secret - that is not true! Our houses are messy (unless we have cleaners). We are nice at times and miserable bitches at times. We can have fun, but we can also get angry and tired and need time alone. We are for the most part not "good" but just "good enough" as daughters and sisters.

This is not a rhetorical question. Who put these expectations on you?
Your parents? Your DH? Social media?

It sounds as if you have a life that ultimately doesn't suit you, however fine it might objectively be.

I’m really appreciating all these thoughtful replies, thank you.

DH can be a bit of a passenger at times, especially when it comes to organising family stuff, but he does step up in lots of other ways, so I don’t think he’s the root of the problem. It is annoying when I’m getting anxious and/or stressy, and he’s just drifting along not bothered, but I don’t think it’s the main reason if that makes sense!

As to who is putting the expectations on me - I guess it’s me. I see other people who seem to keep tidy houses, have nice polite sociable kids, have fun together, don’t overreact to silly things and wish that I had that. I guess we do in many ways, but I just feel ‘not enough’. It’s like I’m on the outside, trying so hard to do the right thing but never quite getting it right. Maybe this is just how most people are but I just don’t see it?

If money is not an issue, I suggest getting a good therapist to explore your feelings over these issues, and as others have suggested get private ADHD and Autism testing, if only to put your mind at rest and rule those out.

I think you are being very hard on yourself.

If it helps, I have just returned from a week’s holiday in the sun with my 13 year old DD, she is lovely but at times it was like being away with the teenage character that Harry Enfield created (can’t remember the name), mood swings, didn’t want to go in the pool and spent longer than I’d liked in our room!!

I also get stressy at the airport but I am a lone parent and so I do feel a big weight of responsibility on me (I used to be the opposite when I was younger). I am mentioning that as even though you are married it sounds like you are doing a lot of the sorting out and making sure everything is running smoothly. Even if you don’t work, everything shouldn’t be left to you and I’m wondering if this is happening - maybe not your DH dictating this but you thinking that it should be your role as your DH goes out to work which shouldn’t be the case.

Also, as a final point - don’t underestimate the anxiety that comes with perimenopause. I am older than you at just turned 54 and I started to become more anxious as I hit my late 40s!

Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words. I definitely feel better now we are back at home and everyone has their own space, so it’s all a lot calmer. Still haven’t achieved much but I was so tired after yesterday I’m not beating myself up (too much). Agree that perimenopause isn’t helping 😕