But I’m not sure how to help myself. Am late 40s so perimenopausal, which really isn’t helping, but I’ve been this way my whole life. I don’t cope well with situations where there are lots of people/noise, especially if I haven’t slept well or haven’t had time alone to decompress for a while, and end up either snapping or just retreating into myself and not speaking. Eg we’ve just had a nice holiday (although the kids have bickered the whole time which hasn’t helped) but I found myself getting more and more wound up as we went through the airport. Too hot, busy, worried we were going to be late even though I’d planned ahead so we had loads of time, annoyed that no one seemed to be taking any responsibility for anything except me (eg what we were going to do about lunch, whether we needed extra water etc). I KNOW I need to lighten up and not be such a miserable cow, but just can’t seem to do it in the midst of the situation.
I also don’t realise how anxious I am a lot of the time unless something happens that sets me off. (I don’t shout, scream or anything like that, but I just feel myself getting more and more annoyed by a situation and as much as I try to hide it, I can’t always manage to). Silly things like a wasp was bothering us at lunch, and I just felt myself getting more and more panicky and trying to flick it away - ended up standing away from the table while everyone else ate which I know was stupid and immature, and embarrassing, but I just couldn’t seem to do anything differently in the moment.
My extended family don’t seem to particularly like me either - they seem to be permanently cross with me for moving away and not being around to help with elderly parents, and it feels as if they are starting to blame me for my parents getting older. I live hundreds of miles away and have young kids - I do what I can but obviously can’t do a lot on a day to day basis. Every message from them feels like a dig at me - I feel so guilty that I can’t be there but am having to put my phone down and walk away so I don’t write a snarky message back.
I’m not really sure what I want to get from this post. I don’t know how I can change myself so that I’m nicer. Are some people just not very nice and is it ever possible to change that? What can I do to help myself be nicer to be around?