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Original poster

How to stop being envious

28 replies

SomeLikeitSnot · 09/08/2025 21:48

My sister is marrying a lovely man who earns a fortune and has a wealthy family with lots of property and invested wealth. Obviously I am thrilled for her and so glad but I’m also burning with envy at her future with no money worries, lots of lovely holidays and comfortable living with a lovely house etc. We have other friends who earn more and have more but somehow it being my sister and her being so close I’m really struggling and I hate it and feel awful and stupid.

We work hard, DH is lovely and we have a decent life but money is tight and I worry a lot already about pensions and how much we will have when we are older, how we will afford to help the kids with money etc.

Is there a magic way to just not be envious?

OP posts:
reversegear · 09/08/2025 21:56

Hi OP this is so hard and I have no advice really as I think it’s just something we all have to learn to live with, maybe there are some online courses or ways to look at your life and passions and feel fulfilled in your own life.

Could you talk to your sister? Are you close? Will she be happy to include you all in this lifestyle, not finance wise just will you be able to relax and enjoy your relationship with her or will this change her do you think?

TammyJones · 09/08/2025 21:57

In this scenario I play the part of your sister.
She hasn’t spoke to me for over 3 years…… don’t be that person.

Original poster
SomeLikeitSnot · 09/08/2025 22:01

@TammyJones i absolutely will not be stopping contact I love her!

@reversegear yeah I just feel I sound pathetic saying I’m happy for you but so jealous of your financial security. What can she say to that? I don’t want them to feel they have to offer to pay for things for us or anything at all we wouldn’t accept that anyway but they in no way owe us anything like that!

OP posts:
Thaawtsom · 09/08/2025 22:04

My DSis significantly wealthier than we are. Honestly it doesn’t bother me. Our gift giving is sometimes awkward and uneven but she understands the situation and does not expect equal contributions to stuff etc. we are still sisters.

Myfansbroken · 09/08/2025 22:07

Maybe have a listen to the Michael Mosley podcast with Dr Chatterjee on how to be happy. It's on BBC Sounds. It's about how true happiness comes from striving and working hard towards things.

Amby99 · 09/08/2025 22:14

SomeLikeitSnot · 09/08/2025 21:48

My sister is marrying a lovely man who earns a fortune and has a wealthy family with lots of property and invested wealth. Obviously I am thrilled for her and so glad but I’m also burning with envy at her future with no money worries, lots of lovely holidays and comfortable living with a lovely house etc. We have other friends who earn more and have more but somehow it being my sister and her being so close I’m really struggling and I hate it and feel awful and stupid.

We work hard, DH is lovely and we have a decent life but money is tight and I worry a lot already about pensions and how much we will have when we are older, how we will afford to help the kids with money etc.

Is there a magic way to just not be envious?

I don’t think there’s a magical way but sometimes grounding yourself and being grateful for what you have helps….you just have to think that there are always people much worse off than you and always people better off… it’s just life! As long as you are comfortable and have a roof over your head and can feed your family. Before I met my other half I was actually one of those women that was very attracted to wealthy’ men in the hopes of an extravagant lifestyle. And 9 times out of 10 they had some sort of issue / wasn’t very nice. Of course not all wealthy people are awful, I know so many lovely people but what I’m saying is, money doesn’t buy happiness. There could be some things about him that really annoys or upsets your sister.

My therapist actually told me not to compare people who are lesser off because it can invalidate how you’re feeling BUT sometimes it does help to know you’re in a home and you’re not in a war zone or experiencing any drought or famine

Celeryedition · 09/08/2025 22:22

‘Other people’s wealth doesn’t make you any poorer’ - I repeat that to myself when I need to.

reversegear · 09/08/2025 22:28

Myfansbroken · 09/08/2025 22:07

Maybe have a listen to the Michael Mosley podcast with Dr Chatterjee on how to be happy. It's on BBC Sounds. It's about how true happiness comes from striving and working hard towards things.

oh fab recommendation I only just discovered this.

SpottyAardvark · 09/08/2025 22:45

Cheer up, OP. It could be worse. You could be one of those poor sods in Gaza.

That sounds glib at best and like a cheap shot at worst. But the point is that you and your family ARE privileged, well off, financially secure and above all physically safe compared to the majority of people on this planet. They would envy you. Please try to remember that when you’re envying your sister.

MiddleLifeCrisisorWhat · 09/08/2025 22:53

I think this can be very hard. It's always nice to have more money. Nobody can ever deny that, however it's harder when you spend more time thinking about what you don't have, rather than what you have.

I often find the people who live within their own little 'bubbles', ie, they don't think too heavily about others and are just content enjoying their own company, their families, their houses/gardens and enjoy the little things, are the ones who don't tend to compare as much.

RedTreeLeaf · 09/08/2025 23:09

That’s a tough one. My sister in law and her DH are much richer than DH and I and I find that tough and she’s not my actual sister! I wish I could find a way to put my envy to one side.

businessflop25 · 10/08/2025 00:01

This is me too. Sister has always been smarter, wealthier and just all round ‘ahead’ of me. She and her husband earn more money than me multiple times over. They are also planning to start a family soon.

Meanwhile I’m broke, single, infertile due to cancer, unemployable due to ADHD, and struggling to earn enough to live on self employed.

I don’t know how you stop being envious. Or wishing I could have had a fraction of the luck and support she’s had. We are not and have never been close. She doesn’t make much effort contact wise and I now don’t either.
we lead very different lives and I try as hard as I can not to compare my life with hers. I’d go mad if I did.

toiletpiper · 10/08/2025 00:48

One of my friends has a sibling who married is millionaire (family wealth). They are incredibly generous to my friend though & pay for holidays, renovations, etc.

the5thgoldengirl · 10/08/2025 01:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Morningsleepin · 10/08/2025 01:58

In my religion, you are allowed to want to have the same as someone else but you are not allowed to want them to lose what they have

Rocknrollstar · 10/08/2025 06:08

I think you would find the book Let Them by Mel Robbins useful. She writes about how to let go of jealousy and also how to use those feelings to improve your own life.
Don’t forget that no one knows what will happen in the future and situations can and do change.

Original poster
SomeLikeitSnot · 10/08/2025 08:01

Morningsleepin · 10/08/2025 01:58

In my religion, you are allowed to want to have the same as someone else but you are not allowed to want them to lose what they have

Yeah this is it I suppose I don’t want them to struggle or fail and I’m happy for them and I don’t want to start feeling like that as it’s unfair and selfish. Thanks for the recs will try that podcast and the Mel Robbins books. I’m hoping I’ll just sort of get used to it haha!

OP posts:
Lafufufu · 10/08/2025 08:10

Ah OP its hard. Especially in this financial climate....

Id try and get it all out / have a cry or whatever then stick it in a box

I'd try and lean into it and see the positives.
she'll always be the one who hosts and have the hassle and expense of that for example. You'll get to bring a bottle and an M&S dessert and have a great time.

also you might get to tag along or use some of the family holiday homes in the future and get a fancy holiday for free 😜

Lurkingandlearning · 10/08/2025 09:46

It sounds like you have been close. Do you think a bit of this feeling you have might be that you’re sad that your lives are going to be so different now? You have shared history and I assume your lives have run parallel in most ways. I think I’d be sad all that was going to change. I’d probably be a bit envious of her wealth and the ease and comfort that will bring too. I’d never thought about what @Morningsleepin said. What a lovely way of putting it.
As you have a good relationship I think you’ll probably adjust and the envy will dwindle and won’t bother you as much.

Original poster
SomeLikeitSnot · 10/08/2025 12:01

@Lurkingandlearning i think that’s it before it felt ‘fair’ as we had the same start, we were close and our lives were similar and it almost feels like I’m being left behind and she’s being elevated into this new and better life…? Which I know is mad and unreasonable but I can’t shake it.

OP posts:
Thaawtsom · 10/08/2025 12:03

Thing is, that there are no guarantees in life for anyone; her marriage could go horribly wrong, her DH could be disabled by an accident; she might end up with children with extra needs; you might win the lottery ...

DoRayMeMeMe · 10/08/2025 12:04

SomeLikeitSnot · 09/08/2025 22:01

@TammyJones i absolutely will not be stopping contact I love her!

@reversegear yeah I just feel I sound pathetic saying I’m happy for you but so jealous of your financial security. What can she say to that? I don’t want them to feel they have to offer to pay for things for us or anything at all we wouldn’t accept that anyway but they in no way owe us anything like that!

Look you never know what’s around the corner.

A cousin was in your sisters position- she was widowed with 3 pre-schoolers. The family money was not hers to access. Life has been very tough for her since.

Lurkingandlearning · 10/08/2025 12:07

SomeLikeitSnot · 10/08/2025 12:01

@Lurkingandlearning i think that’s it before it felt ‘fair’ as we had the same start, we were close and our lives were similar and it almost feels like I’m being left behind and she’s being elevated into this new and better life…? Which I know is mad and unreasonable but I can’t shake it.

I think that’s completely understandable, not mad and unreasonable. It’ll take some getting used to just don’t let it get in the way of your relationship with her.

Simplestars · 10/08/2025 12:12

Think of all the things you are thankful for.

Lottapianos · 10/08/2025 12:20

I really feel for you OP. Envy is so tough, and it doesn't do your self esteem any good either. No, you can't magic your feelings away, but I think it's a really positive thing that you can name it as envy, and reflect on what might be at the root of how you're feeling

'My therapist actually told me not to compare people who are lesser off because it can invalidate how you’re feeling'

Completely agree. Trying to jolly myself out of a difficult feeling just leaves me feeling frustrated and stuck. Allow yourself to feel the envy, and any other feelings that you have. Don't shame yourself for having them. Get curious about why you're feeling this way, and then think about any changes you can make in your own life that might help