Was my upbringing/life unusual?

[2024i]

Growing up, my mum was a medical professional and a high earner/the breadwinner, my dad was kind of a SAHD although he was self-employed, owned various businesses of differing success.

She generally worked 9-5. I probably spent more time with dad growing up, he did a balanced amount of household tasks like cooking. My mum definitely had a voice in the family ie she was a decision maker, there wasn’t a “man of the house” attitude.

Growing up, I didn’t have chores aside from keeping my room tidy. I was never expected to cook/clean for the men in the house or anything gender-based like that. I was taught to focus on my education, get a good career, be able to stand on my own two feet, have independence, self-confidence etc.

Anyway I guess I have grown up to believe the above is normal? Or is it not? As an adult (female) I went to university, now earn £40k+ at mid-20s, have my own place. I seem to work in a place where more traditional gender roles are prominent and I am seen as an outlier. My manager for example makes a big deal of his wife being the full time childcare/cook/maid, him being the decision maker, the men at work often take the piss out of their wives in team meetings and I never quite know how to respond to this “banter”. Whilst none of their wives work for the company, generally speaking female colleagues tend to be junior, work part time & are very clear on not wanting to progress their career due to family. So I’m
a bit of an anomaly it seems?

Your upbringing sounds lovely, & to me, normal within the range of normal.

Your place of work sounds misogynistic and toxic. I’m sorry you have to listen to that.

Yeah, sounds relatively unusual. I still don't know many families where the mum is the breadwinner or dad is SAH.

Unfortunately, men who take an equal share of the childcare and housework are a minority, so yes in that regard your upbringing was unusual.

I don't think you're an anomaly in terms of being a woman who has a career/is career focussed though. There are loads of those out there (although I think it's likely location dependent).

My mum and dad always worked, as did all my grandparents, and they were all fairly hands on with housework, childcare etc (I have some lovely memories of my grandfathers providing childcare for my younger brother and I, and that was in the 1950s). So I think your family is within a normal range.

Your workplace sounds shit, and in your shoes, I’d be job-hunting.

I always worked and my husband had part time businesses that worked around the children, did the lion’s share of housework and cooking. I don’t see your upbringing as particularly unusual, but your employer sounds like a bad sitcom from the 1970s Are You Being/Whoopsydaisy I’m a Friend of Dorothy!

Ah thanks! Yeah I’m not sure whether this is standard corporate banter or a sign for me to leave. Never had I had a job where I have had to justify my existence so much!

Sounds like a great childhood!
I agree with @Superstar22 , it sounds normal within the range of normal.

My father was the main breadwinner when I grew up, he worked away, so he was away for 8 weeks, and home for 8 weeks, and so on, my whole childhood.
But when he was home he was completely "off work", and could spend all his time with us. He cooked, he cleaned, he did laundry, he helped us with homework, and drove us to activities.
My parents had (and have) a lovely relationship, but my mother was definitely "the boss" and the decision maker. She planned everything, took care of the economy of the household, etc.
I had a great childhood, too! I missed my father when he was away at work, but he was fully family focused when he was home.

Same as my upbringing, my mum was a teacher, my dad was self employed and was really a SAHD. The SE jobs were actually down to his varying stages of his mental health. My core memories are of my Dad, my mum my first memories are from aged 5/6 , my dad did all the cooking, cleaning …. I actually can’t remember a single meal my mum ever cooked as a child.

I wouldn’t say my dad was completely stay at home. He owned various physical businesses and had staff to take care of everything so he didn’t need to be physically there all the time if that makes sense. I had older brothers too, so my dad wouldn’t necessarily be home all the time. I was left in the care of my brothers whilst both my parents worked and by the time I was in secondary school, was left home alone if brothers went out after school kind
of thing (I was the youngest child).

My mother did her PhD when we were little. She was never around. Our father was a lecturer and did all of the childcare, but my mother did the cooking. Nobody did housework because they were hippies and didn't care...I didn't used to think it was unusual, but now I do seem to be almost the only senior woman in my job level. I have three kids and have a stay at home husband.

The men you work with sound awful. Is the field you work in male dominated generally?

I would say your upbringing was unusual but being a twenty-something female with their life together isn’t particularly unusual and is not necessarily a result of your upbringing. Others with a more “traditional” upbringing will still be in a similar position to you.

It sounds quite normal to me though even where women are the main breadwinner it's not always a given that the man will take the lion's share of the household stuff. The way you were raised sounds like my childhood though my parents took turns being the main breadwinner.
Your workplace sounds toxic. Banter like this wouldn't be acceptable in my workplace and we also have many senior women.

My parents both worked, although my dad earned more. My mum would never have tolerated being seen as the ‘housekeeper’ though. My dad did most of the cooking, my mum probably did more cleaning. Both decision makers. I thought/think that we were an entirely normal family (I was born mid 80s).

I am a sixties child and my Father was the main earner and worked shifts as a BBC news journalist . He definitely did a lot of cooking,cleaning etc whilst my lovely Mum worked as a nurse. Completely normal even in those days.
We had a lovely bohemian childhood.

I'm older than you. My mum didn't work for a long time but was in charge. We were supposed to keep bedrooms tidy and tidy up after ourselves but no cooking really. Education very important.
Generally worked in industries with lots of women particularly at senior level. All very normal to me.

DHs dad was a SAHD which was unusual but it also means he has no gender stereotypes.

Your upbringing is relatively unusual - more the SAHD than the high-flying / working mum.

But - your workplace sounds unusual too. I don’t hear the men I work with making comments like this about their partners - and the women m I know typically have pretty equal jobs to their partners.

This.

Agree, your workplace seems odd.

Your upbringing was well within the range of normal. Your workplace, however, appears to have teleported from the 1950s

Im a couple of decades older than you and I grew up with a mother who worked full time. My father worked but not as long hours and he did more cooking and housework than my mother. Siblings and I didn’t have any chores on school nights (or if we had school work weekends) as our homework was a priority and my parents didn’t bring work home with them - they did everything.

your workplace sounds very unusual to me but then I have only ever worked as a solicitor in a couple of big law firms so I’ve had a fairly sheltered work life!

Oh and in my mid 20s I was flying high career wise in banking, alongside many other ambitious women! Your workplace sounds really unusual.

I work in the civil service so generally lots of women, but I would say it’s generally older men with my job/seniority

Dad earned more but both parents worked full time and there was a very clear division of labour - mum did all the jobs inside the house and the majority of the admin (including financial, everything got paid into the joint account and then they both took their ‘pocket money) dad did all the outside jobs, house maintenance and car related tasks and admin (mum drove for 40 years and has never put petrol in a car!)
It certainly didn’t enforce gender stereotypes for me but did teach me to expect a partner who took on their share of the overall load

Haha you don’t work in employment law I guess? My workplace isn’t a stranger to employment tribunals…not surprised tbh given the culture