He hates conflict - I think he might be right

[Waterbortle]

I'm not a confrontational person, but when something's wrong I like to say it, have it out and move on. I don't think I'm aggressive, but I will raise my voice when frustrated.

DP (of only a year) really hates any sort of confrontation and his instinct is to walk away as soon as someone's upset with him. In his head it's not "it's all over", it's removing himself from a situation he finds uncomfortable, fully intending to resolve it when things are less fraught (or maybe hoping it will blow over)

I hate that. I want it dealt with "now" and him walking away frightens me. I'm scared he won't come back and worried that he doesn't want to resolve things. I'm also possibly scarred by something in my upbringing (which until recently I always saw as perfectly sensible) whereby my mother was always very hot that you must "make up" before leaving, in case "something" happened and that's the last time you see someone. So, never ever go to sleep on an argument or walk out in a huff.

Is DP right, it's best to walk away and deal with it later, or is he really thinking by walking away he can get away without dealing with it at all, in which case the "issue" will keep coming up?

That would annoy me

I don't argue with anyone because it doesn't serve me and I don't spend time around people that I fundamentally disagree on things with. (Married 20 years)
So I don't like either approach-you shouting or the boyfriend flouncing off.

Why are things fraught after just a year of dating?

I can't imagine a life where you only ever spend time with peole you agree with. Some challenge is what makes life fun.

I agree with this. What are you arguing about?

There’s some really good https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ research]] about how couples communicate and argue. What he’s doing is called stonewalling and it can be very destructive, even if it’s not malicious. Good communication, including how to resolve disagreements can be learned. But it sounds like you have something to learn too - criticism is another of the 4 horsemen.

But if this is happening so often, that you’re seeing a clear pattern after only a year, is this really a healthy relationship?

Well does he come back and deal with it?

At what point does he walk away? Is it when you start raising your voice or the minute you try and discuss any issues with him?

I’m more like your BF. I would rather take time out if things are getting fraught, even if that means going home and sleeping on it before resolving the issue.

In the heat of the moment things get said and people escalate further than they want to. Taking a breather to calm down can be helpful. I can understand not wanting to leave on bad terms in case that was the last thing you ever said to each other.

Could you compromise and ask him that if he needs space, you can park the argument. Assure each other that you love each other and are on the same team, that you want some space and you’ll talk about it again tomorrow evening.

In the meantime you can send a short message to say you’re thinking of each other and want to resolve things etc.

That way you get reassurance that he’s not abandoning you but he gets the physical and emotional space he needs to process things. This would work for me.

My DP spirals if I leave during an argument but as someone who has suffered DV I need to be able to escape when I feel uncomfortable.

I’m not sure either of you is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in how you want to handle disagreements, but at the moment your approaches aren’t compatible. Have you talked about it with him - obviously at a time when things aren’t ‘fraught’? You probably both need to both make adjustments if you want to stay together.

What sort of issues and what sort of level of disagreement dies this involve? Can you give some examples?

You do sound quite full on / insistent, and he sounds quite ‘wet’.

Could you try asking questions rather than pressing a point? Do you discuss, or insist? Do you think it is ever possible or acceptable to agree to disagree?

If you keep demanding/trapping somebody because they must make up (ie say you're right, apologise and agree with you), there will come a day when they do keep walking or say 'actually, no, I can't do this any more. I'm done'.

I love the Gottman Institute - they have some great resources for couples.

FWIW the way they advise dealing with ‘stonewalling’ is to take a break, so it’s important to distinguish between the physiological overstimulation that causes someone to shut down, and just ignoring someone point blank.

Taking a break when an argument becomes too much is actually advised too, so they’re not saying you have to stay in the argument until its resolved.

You don't think you're aggressive and you 'raise your voice'. To someone else, this could actually be perceived as shouting and aggression and be really unpleasant and threatening.
It sounds like an anxious - avoidant dynamic between you. Neither of you is right or wrong but you both need to address this for things to work well in the longer term.

Yeah, I don't enjoy being around people I disagree with. I don't find challenges fun in the slightest.
Seems like your boyfriend doesn't either?

Oh he does. He loves a good debate. It's when the "debate" is about something he has (or hasn't) done that he struggles.

If you aren’t able to communicate without raising your voice OP then you are the problem and you need to work on that.

I would be the same as your partner and walk away, if you’re shouting I’m not listening. My husband & I have been together a long time, 1 child with another on the way, we certainly don’t agree on everything all of the time but we have never in all that time raised voices at each other because we’re both adults who know how to communicate.

Well, you clearly aren't finding him walking away 'fun'. Just as he's presumably not finding you being confrontational and raising your voice 'fun'. You both sound poor at communication, or at least have totally incompatible styles. You either resolve it (which is going to involve you also making compromises), or you split.

I don’t think it’s at all normal in a healthy relationship to be regularly arguing, let alone just a year in without the stresses (presumably) of living together / shares kids / shared finances etc.

What are you arguing about so regularly and why are you comfortable continuing a relationship that has so much arguing, on top of a mismatched conflict management style?

Sometimes safest to walk away in the moment, things can be said that can never be unsaid (or forgiven sometimes) in a moment of anger and frustration. Come back to it with cool heads.

Is that a debate?

So does he do this only when you raise an issue with his behaviour? Because THAT would worry me. Someone not facing up to having done or not done something that upsets you isn't calmly walking away from a disagreement, it's someone trying to avoid being in the wrong. And that can escalate pretty fast.

Yes, that's a fair point. 'Did you leave the toilet seat up/put out the bins?' is not a 'debate'.

Looks like DP doesn’t agree with you on that.

When he walks away does he tell you hes taking a break to calm down and that he'll come back to it later, or just he just walk off in silence? That's important context.

Tbh your way doesn't sound great. Demanding it's solved "now" and raising your voice will only ever make people feel attacked.

I can see both sides. I too would prefer to settle it there and now; but sometimes if things are too heated, words can make no sense / go round in circles..

Maybe next time he walks away, ask him to set a time/date for when you can discuss? The most maddening for me would be a partner walking away, forgetting it, going about our days normally for a period, and then another argument comes up and they bring up old, unresolved issues...and it's like "why didn't you want to talk about it last time? And now adding on to the list of arguments!"

Basically in times of stress you argue and get angry and he withdraws and disappears. These are at odds with each other as ways of dealing with conflict. I don’t think one or the other of them are better or worse but both of them have issues. You need to meet in the middle somewhere. Give some time to calm down and then agree a time to take it back up again listening carefully to each others perspectives and trying to incorporate each others point of view.

The only examples I’ve ever seen of people who absolutely never fight, there is a clear dominant submissive relationship where one person prides themselves on submitting when something arises or one other situation where the couple are very enmeshed with each other - they finish and start sentences for one another it is very unusual. Two people with exactly the same desired outcome on absolutely everything is pretty rare.