He hates conflict - I think he might be right

[Waterbortle]

I'm not a confrontational person, but when something's wrong I like to say it, have it out and move on. I don't think I'm aggressive, but I will raise my voice when frustrated.

DP (of only a year) really hates any sort of confrontation and his instinct is to walk away as soon as someone's upset with him. In his head it's not "it's all over", it's removing himself from a situation he finds uncomfortable, fully intending to resolve it when things are less fraught (or maybe hoping it will blow over)

I hate that. I want it dealt with "now" and him walking away frightens me. I'm scared he won't come back and worried that he doesn't want to resolve things. I'm also possibly scarred by something in my upbringing (which until recently I always saw as perfectly sensible) whereby my mother was always very hot that you must "make up" before leaving, in case "something" happened and that's the last time you see someone. So, never ever go to sleep on an argument or walk out in a huff.

Is DP right, it's best to walk away and deal with it later, or is he really thinking by walking away he can get away without dealing with it at all, in which case the "issue" will keep coming up?

I don’t think either way sounds particularly useful and could lead to both parties feeling unhappy. I am surprised that you have issues that would lead to raised voices though as you’re at the beginning of this relationship. I can’t bear confrontation and although I’ve been with my dh for over 15 years we have never had a situation that has led to an argument/raised voice/storm off/silent treatment . We just talk about everything from a place of love and respect and with a want to never ever hurt the other person and it works for us.

How often are you having a go at him about his behaviour? Because it sounds like you must do quite a lot for this pattern to be noticeable.

neither of you are behaving well.

It's not as bad as it sounds. It's only really one thing that's important to me and difficult for him to talk about. So it keeps coming up.

I think it's actually healthy to have discussions about things you disagree on, it doesn't have to be heated or loud.

I know a man that sounds the same.
Its like there's no drive no fight in him.
The silent type.
His girl friend of 4 years split from him all he had to say was well it is what it is no need to make a big scene.
Second girlfriend cheated on him he just got his things and changed his number no words no nothing he said he didn't want to talk about it as there is no point in all the details it wont change a thing.
I dont know what to make of him.
I admire his strength.

I walk away from drama myself because i hate it.
If someone raises there's voice they have already lost the argument id rather walk away.
But there are times you have to have your say there and then.

Well then you have to accept he isn’t going to change his behaviour (in relation to what he does that upsets you, and also the walking away) and then work out whether he’s the one for you.

After only a year you shouldn't be arguing enough to have any sort of pattern of it.

In general you have to accept that the other person's style of conflict resolution is who they are, and it's not going to change. Whether you can deal with it or not is up to you. And there are potential compromises - I'm conflict-avoidant, and so is DP, but we'd never go to sleep on an argument.

But the bigger issue is that there shouldn't be so many arguments that this becomes such a recurring issue. It's not about agreeing or disagreeing with each other - DP and I don't agree on everything and frequently have good-natured debates. Escalating those to actual arguments where one or both of you is upset or angry is a choice, and one that in a healthy relationship is rarely made.

So it's actually just whatever this one thing is that's the problem?

If he doesn't want to talk about it then he doesn't want to talk about it. I hate the feeling of being made to discuss a topic that I don't want to get into. If you can't tolerate the relationship unless this topic is hashed out against his will you should end it.

I'm the one that walks away in an argument. DH will rant on and on about something until I agree that he is right. A person can become so fixated on "winning" the argument that they don't stop to consider whether they might actually be wrong and if we stay in the argument then we end up saying hurtful things and doing more damage.
I'd rather we both step away, calm down, reflect on the issue then come back and discuss it properly. The disagreement is still there but we've both had time to consider each other's point of view.

My money's on:

He's either not wanting to get married or have a baby and doesn't want to talk about it again because he hasn't changed his mind.

I think he's right to pause things if either of you are not 'calm' eg frustrated, angry, upset. When emotions are running high, rarely does it lead to effective communication. You're going to be able to communication best, when both of you are feeling fairly calm and regulated. This is why pausing things and coming back to them can be helpful.

I think it's just important that when things are paused, that you both communicate that this is something you intend to come back to, with the goal of resolving things calmly. It's helpful to try and put a time on it, eg 'let's come back to this tonight' type thing. That way it reassures the one raising the issue that it's not going to get swept under the rug and it will be addressed.

So yes, pause things if emotions are running high, but don't just walk away, communicate that this is just a pause and you'll both revisit when feeling calmer.

The goal is resolution and repair and that's best achieved when everyone is calm. Sometimes it takes time to regulate ourselves enough to get to that calm place, so allow yourselves that time.