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Original poster

Feeling sick with anxiety since pool incident

33 replies

Alejandra5876 · 04/08/2025 16:30

Hi, I am hoping some Mumsnetters can help me get rid of this horrible feeling I've had since yesterday. I was in a small holiday swimming pool with my two sons and another adult family member. DS1 is 13, autistic and can't swim. DS is 10 and can swim. They were playing about in the middle of the pool....DS 2 was putting his head under the water like he was hiding. Suddenly DS1 went out of his depth and we realised that he was clinging on to DS2 for support and weighing him down so he couldn't get his head back up. We swam over...I am pretty short and was out of my depth too so I wasn't much use, but the other adult was able to prise DS1's fingers off DS2 and we got them both out to safety. DS2 had got quite a fright but was physically OK and seems to have recovered mentally too....they were back in the pool today. The other adult also seems to have brushed it off as just a minor incident (it only lasted about 30 seconds and there were other adults nearby who could have helped if needed). I, on the other hand, am trying to pretend I'm OK for the sake of the kids and other family members but I'm not really....I have a bit of anxiety at the best of times and this has pushed the what-ifs off the scale.....

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 04/08/2025 16:32

Shouldn’t an adult be around your son if he can’t swim

IceyBisBack · 04/08/2025 16:34

I think you've just got to count it as one of those things in the wonderful world of ASD.... our boy is 16 and severe... he swims with a ring and holds his arms over the top! Gives us a bit more reassurance.
Stressing about what could have happened is like thinking about what 8f DS1 didn't have ASD....there is zero point. You can change things so roll with the punches and enjoy you break with your boys x

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2025 16:34

Nothing awful happened and everyone is ok
Try to focus on that and think about how you can prevent something similar happening again

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Families
Maddy70 · 04/08/2025 16:35

You should be with your child in the water if he can't swim

Original poster
Alejandra5876 · 04/08/2025 16:36

Yes, the other adult and I were only a few metres away. They had been in the shallow end with us but then DS1 drifted out of his depth.

OP posts:
Catcatcat111 · 04/08/2025 16:36

As others have said, if your ds can’t swim they need to be closely supervised in a pool.

crumblingschools · 04/08/2025 16:39

Then you need to be closer. And you need someone who can swim strongly. You said you weren’t much help.

Original poster
Alejandra5876 · 04/08/2025 16:44

I should add as well that I can swim, but I suddenly realised that whereas I could probably have plucked DS1 out of the water when he was little, I wouldn't have the strength or lifesaving skills to get a panicking 13 yr old out.

OP posts:
Nuffzed · 04/08/2025 16:48

Make sure DS1 stays in depth of water which is appropriate for him so you can put this behind you and enjoy the rest of the holiday. It’s scared you but is highly unlikely to happen again. Deep breaths, OP.

User9784754 · 04/08/2025 16:48

It should be obvious that anyone who can't swim should never be left in a pool alone? In future he must always wear swim aids or teach him how to swim. There must be courses available for SEN kids or look into a private instructor. Swimming isn't really a luxury, it's essentially life or death. Taking a child who can't swim into a pool where they might "slip out of depth" is borderline negligence. Especially as it's teenager with, presumably, the height and weight of an adult. Very few people are qualified to rescue a distressed adult in water.

Original poster
Alejandra5876 · 04/08/2025 16:54

He wasn't in the pool alone - there were two adults in the pool and another two on the side. We have taken him to swimming lessons but without success.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alejandra5876 · 04/08/2025 17:01

But you're right...on reflection, if someone has a bigger child who can't swim, then it might be worth considering that most adults would not be able to rescue them if they got into difficulty.

OP posts:
DollopOfFun · 04/08/2025 17:02

It's quite easy to 'drift' in a holiday pool, at 5ft 1 I've done it myself; just thinking I'm standing/lightly bobbing in one place and suddenly the water is around my ears!
And I think all three of my children have tried to kill me at some point by doing that pushing you down so they can climb you to safety thing.

@Alejandra5876 it must have been a real scare but try not to fixate on it- if you start to think about it, just 'fast forward' to the bit where both kids were back safe.

Ariela · 04/08/2025 17:04

Have you tried teaching your DS to float on his back, calmly? That's a useful skill because it's something he can do whatever the depth if he gets the hang of it.

New2you · 04/08/2025 17:06

Next time grab hold if you are out of your depth push up from the bottom of the pool with your feet to propel you up until you reach the depth you can stand in. You’ll need to be okay going under water to sink briefly

TeenLifeMum · 04/08/2025 17:06

I’d reiterate to both dc where the line is they can’t go beyond, make sure you’re close with a noodle so you can help easily.

autienotnaughty · 04/08/2025 17:06

Look at it as a warning siren. You need your elder son to be where he can stand up. One of you needs to be eyes on him and arms reach at all times and another adult keeping n eye on your younger son.

its an accident these things happen sometimes you don’t know until you know. But now you do.

FlyingPandas · 04/08/2025 17:08

Rather than fixating on what might have happened, can you focus instead on taking future precautions?

In all honesty, if you have a disabled teenaged boy who cannot swim (and from what you've said is unlikely to ever be able to learn to do so) then you need a rule that they do not enter the water without a buoyancy aid on. There are plenty of options on the market to choose from. If he hasn't already gone through puberty he will be doing so in the not too distant future and as you say, you can't pluck a panicking young adult out of the water in the way you could with a struggling 5yo.

So, no buoyancy aid, no swimming - it's too much of a risk even with another adult present.

Bananachimp · 04/08/2025 17:08

I wouldn't have the strength or lifesaving skills to get a panicking 13 yr old out.

Well then he shouldn't be in the pool without someone else much stronger right next to him. Not a few meters away.

TeenLifeMum · 04/08/2025 17:08

Alejandra5876 · 04/08/2025 17:01

But you're right...on reflection, if someone has a bigger child who can't swim, then it might be worth considering that most adults would not be able to rescue them if they got into difficulty.

To rescue the rescuer swims on their back with the adult held laying on their back and head tilted up. You kick with your feet to safety. Maybe watch YouTube and show dc so he knows what to expect if he got into trouble again.

But I think a noodle would help you feel more in control.

user4578 · 04/08/2025 17:14

You want to grab him from behind, lie back in the water so you can both breathe and do some big breastroke kicks towards the side. It might be a good idea to look into a buoyancy aid for him to give you peace of mind

Allthebestaregone · 04/08/2025 17:18

I'm very glad for you that this incident ended safely and that you're two DS's seem to have gotten over it.
However I can't stress enough that if you have a child in a pool who cannot swim you must be no further than an arm's length away.
You cannot rely on, or expect any other adults in the pool to be paying attention to your non-swimmer DS.
It involves sacrifice, and isn't fun supervising someone who cannot swim but you literally cannot turn your head and look the other way for more than a second or two, that's all it takes.
Count yourself fortunate that it worked out okay and do not stress unnecessarily over the incident.
Everything worked out okay and you have learned a valuable lesson which did not involve anything serious.

Original poster
Alejandra5876 · 04/08/2025 17:22

Yes, there were noodles on the side and the adults there could have got them to us if needed but the whole thing was over before we needed them. The emergency was not so much DS1 who was still just about able to keep his face out of the water, but the fact that he was holding DS2 under so we needed to free him. I feel so bad for DS2....he is so good and kind to his "big little brother" and this is what happened. Thanks for all the advice on how to avoid a repeat but I have thought of little else for the last 24 hours and a repeat is very unlikely! The purpose of my post was really to see how I could get out of this tailspin I'm in.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 04/08/2025 17:24

Why is a repeat not going to happen?

myplace · 04/08/2025 17:25

You calculate the danger and position yourself between it and your dc.
So just as you walk on the kerb side, between them and traffic, you stand at the point he’s out of his depth between him and the deep end.

And sadly teaching DS2 about self protection is part of it too.