How do you women do it?

[Magana]

Seriously?! I'm either really pathetic or every woman that goes through this a superwoman. I've got a 4 year old and 4 month old. Had a c section, mastitis, just been knocked down with suspected horrific COVID that lasted two weeks, and now that I'm finally recovering had a surprise appearance of the worse bleed of my life. I'm talking bleeding through underwear, trousers, sheets. Meanwhile ebf and up all night with little to no sleep.

My body is literally screaming at me that it can't take anymore. Felt like I was going to pass out yesterday from the blood loss (I'm only 5ft) horrendous cramps as well. I have no support. Partner is at full time work. This morning despite being kept up from all the bleeding which was really distressing and constant need to change my pad, I've had to get up and take care of the baby and child. I can barely stand. I want to cry. I want to scream. I just can't cope with this! I don't want to. I find it all so unfair. Why are us women (mums mostly) expected to just get on with things when if it were anyone else they wouldn't have to.

I thought about how if this was my partner in my shoes right now, and he genuinely can't even deal with a cold. He can't function from any lack of sleep. Yet I'm having to. It's making me so resentful, is this what motherhood is? Is this really what I signed myself up for. I want someone to care for me but I just feel like there is no space, resources or time for me to be cared for whether it's by me or someone else.

Rant over

Nothing to offer about how I do it because I don’t - I’ve got my 3.5-week old next to me and was blessed with a good pregnancy and birth but have struggled A LOT since bringing her home from hospital. She’s my first. I have no idea how YOU are doing it. I’ve found myself wondering constantly how I’d manage if I’d had a c-section/traumatic birth. If I’d been sick yet. If I’d developed mastitis. If I’d had twins. If I had a toddler or other child around too. If my husband wasn’t doing some formula feeds overnight to let me get some proper chunks of sleep. I’ve really found myself awestruck at how women have been pulling this off since the dawn of humans!

I would hope my dh would take some time off work to help or I would ask my mum to come and stay to help. I’d struggle on like this for a few days but eventually I’d have to ask for help.

@moondip I'm doing it because I have to I guess, I have no other choice! It comes at the cost of my mental wellbeing and physical wellbeing. It's making me begrudge motherhood and really tainting my experience of postpartum. I hate how little support I have and that I have to suffer just because I do. It's all so expected and glazed over. No one bats an eye to it or thanks you or appreciates you for it.

I'm glad to hear you are having a smooth transition into motherhood. I hope it remains that way for you! Congratulations on your newborn

Oh that sounds rough, you’re not pathetic
other people are struggling too, or they’re dealing with less or they have more support.
do you know why you’re bleeding so much? If that’s not normal for you and you’re feeling weak it’s worth calling a dr.
can anyone help you or can dh take a day off work whilst things are so bad? Most places do dependants leave or something like that?
is there anything you can take off your plate? Eg, Can you order in food, can someone come over and watch the kids, can the oldest watch more tv, and could you combi feed to give yourself a change at sleep if things are too much? It’s so hard and you’re really in the trenches of newbornness, with the Covid and the bleeding and mastitis on top! Unfortunately it does seem like women are the ones left to sacrifice a lot though

One thing at a time. How much are you bleeding? Sounds like you may need some medical help.

Covid is known to affect cycle. Tranaxamic acid (sp?) is really good at helping lighten bleeding. Google tells me it’s safe to take whilst breastfeeding so worthwhile contacting your GP. As a new mum you should be on the “be seen as urgent” triage list.

Other than that can you, 3yo and baby snuggle up if sofa watching tv for the afternoon and when DH gets home you do and have a long hot bath and climb into bed with baby beside you and he deals with 4yo and dinner?

I absolutely agree with you that woman are expected to carry a much heavier load so you need to put in those boundaries of saying “stop” when it’s enough - to yourself and DH.

Men could never

Bet he moaned he was uncomfortable on the hospital chair

Sounds like this is a useless DH problem, he can take some emergency parental leave so you can go and get checked because that amount of bleeding is not normal.
He can also either get up during the night and help or take the kids so you can rest when he gets home.

“I want someone to care for me but I just feel like there is no space, resources or time for me to be cared for whether it's by me or someone else” THIS. But if I say it out loud, or secretly to myself, I feel selfish, weak, pathetic, moany. Thank you for saying it for me.

@Haggisfish3 he genuinely can't stay off work. He is self employed. Anytime off means no money for us. So it puts me in a tough predicament where I can't really do anything. If I ask him to stay home it's selfish of me for him and our family

I'm sorry you're having such a horrendous time atm OP. Please speak to your GP about the bleeding - you may be able to take something for it and you may need iron supplements too. Up your protein intake, if you can, and make sure you're drinking plenty of fluids to help your body replace the lost blood volume.

As for the other stuff, you're right, women are expected to just plaster a smile on their faces and carry on when they're exhausted or feeling unwell and still care for their DC, whereas men get loads of praise if they do the same. Those times though when you're really under the weather and have to keep calm and carry on are not that common, mercifully (mum of teens here looking back). They're awful to deal with when they happen (everyone having D&V at once, newborn baby + older DC with chicken pox and DH away, etc). We've all had them at times and yes, you want to cry and scream and for someone, anyone, to just give you a bit of help! Can your DH take a day or two off work to support you? Most work contracts allow for family emergencies of this kind

I see your DP is self-employed, so what about your DPs or ILs? Can any of them possibly come and give you a bit help and support?

@Jewelbeetle sorry to hear you are feeling that way too. Virtual hug 🫂

You’ll get through it because you have to. But it won’t be pleasant. I hit rock bottom with an 18 month old and newborn twins and a horrific flu that had me in night sweats. Could I have survived on my own? Yes. Luckily my mum did a mercy dash and stayed for a few days. Do you have that option?

@cheezncrackers in laws know I'm not feeling good but have said ; "sorry to hear that we are off to London!"

I only have my dmum but she has her own health problems that meant she couldn't even be there for the birth of make it to the hospital. I am well and truly alone.

I just want to be allowed to be not okay! At this point it feels like a luxury

@W0tnow no. It's not just the COVID/virus I had. It's the fact that I'm still recovering with that and now been hit with this bleed. It's one thing ontop of another and my body can't cope.

Maybe if I was getting sleep and rest I could rally and get on with it. This just feels like torture

You are really in the trenches right now, that sounds so tough.
Regardless of his work you do need to be honest with him about how you are feeling physically (your life and health matters more than anything to your family) and mentally (your mental health is what is going to keep this show on the road in the long term so you should both prioritize it now) and emotionally (otherwise resentment will erode everything) and make decisions as a team.

• Tell him everything in one ball of messy not coping right now, have crisis talks
• You need to phone the doc and the midwife/health visitor asap. Tell them everything.
• consider temporary agency home help in addition to partner postponing some jobs and call in every favour anyone has ever offered or owes you, let people know what you need

You matter

@cheezncrackers it's so true! My DH constantly gets praised by his mum for how amazing of a dad he is because he is seen to be "out providing for the family". Meanwhile my sacrifices and hardships feel completely unseen and invisible. It's much harder for me. I would rather be at work than dealing with this!

It will get easier - call the GP about the bleed, you should not be feeling faint.

Your 4 year old, are they due to start school in September? This will be a massive difference. Can you not get them in with a childminder for a few hours a day, try and catch up on sleep, or pay someone to come over and babysit so you can sleep?

Have you spoken to DH about how you are feeling and coping?

@GreyAreas it really doesn't feel like it. But thank you for telling me that when no one else has

@theressomanytinafeysicouldbe yes I've had a conversation about how I feel like my body can't physically cope anymore, and I'm sure the lack of sleep isnt helping. I recently said how I feel I need more support from him but I guess DH also feels stretched and maxed out because he replied with he works, cooks, and when he gets back if I need 20 mins he will help facilitate it. He also has to do admin when he gets back and invoices so work never really stops for him.

He always says well it's not like I'm out partying or drinking or doing x y and z. I'm here and doing everything that I'm doing for our family, and it is true. I know he is also feeling the lack of time to himself and is struggling with it. So what more can I say to that.

I do blame social media because I see so many videos online of men doing all that and then more for their pp partners. It's giving me unhealthy unrealistic expectations that isn't helping with my resentfulness. He isn't them and it isn't fair to compare. I do just wish he could help more.

OP that sounds tough!

Some days are so shit, and others are amazing. It will get easier but I remember those tough days.

A maternal nurse told me with dc1 that you sleep less but more effectively once you have dc. Not sure i believe that but she was convinced.

Do whatever you can to get rest. My dc are 14 and 9 and I still take a nap a few times a week mostly to get some peace and quiet. When dc2 was a baby I'd set dc1 (5 yo) up with tablet and headphones, a small snack plate on my bed, put dc2 down in cot in my room for their nap and nap myself next to both of them.

@Shitstix I wish I could but new dc is a velcro baby who doesn't nap during the day!!!! It makes doing anything near enough impossible. On days I'm lucky if I get to have a shower.

Just starting to realise, I was speaking to someone the other day who applauded me for being out and about so soon and said she stayed in the house for the first 3 months after birth. It's made me think maybe not everyone has to be this tough? Some people genuinely do have a village and time to attend to their needs.

Is it really so much to just ask for some more help?

It's really hard because it feels like everyone has their own problems and issues at the moment so no one has a free hand to spare. I know it's no one's fault in particular and it is just the way the world is but my god does it make motherhood feel so isolating!