Addressing Overweight DC (who are old enough to know better)

[EveryonDanceNow]

For example if they are overweight due to bad eating habits and lack of exercise how often do you point out that they are overweight?

For example how often would you say "you have a pot belly", "you'll get health issues" , "you look pregnant"?

Or do you address it more tactfully or not at all?

Can I also suggest, in a crowded shop changing room for maximum impact, the corker "you'd be really pretty if you weren't fat" for a mother-daughter bonding session

Is the young adult child bothered?

One of my kids put himself on a diet when he was 16ish. He knew why he’d gained weight and stopped the stuff that made him gain weight like energy drinks and packets of biscuits. (there was a supermarket on the way to school which he’d visit) He now wears a men’s size S and has kept the weight off for 3ish years now.

I get why you're worried about their health but you do need to be so careful about how you say it and how focused you are on it. Honestly, my family used to say I was chubby, had puppy fat, looked like a sack of potatoes, was a bottomless pit, mocked for my size and shape. I was put on ridiculous diets from a young age. I internalised this and when I got to ten and got some freedom I started eating and eating because I thought I was fat anyway so why not? The sad thing is that actually looking back at photos of me I really wasn't that big until I got to 10 then I got really big. My family are still pretty obsessed with weight, body image and there's this strange competitiveness over how little they can eat. I have a fine relationship with my family but it's quite alienating.

I lost all the weight when I got to my late teens but had pretty disordered eating for years because I was never really taught how to eat healthily and sensibly. Only in the last few years, with constant effort, do I now eat sensibly. I'm only slightly over 8 stone and I'm still convinced I'm fat because it's so internalised.

You could focus more on healthy living, the benefits of an exercise routine and finding exercise/healthy food etc that they enjoy. But basically you say they're adults, they can do what they like and you might just alienate them by talking like this. Sometimes I'd rather my family focused on all the positive things about my life, like having a good job, having hobbies, going out with friends etc

I provide healthy meals at home. But they do enjoy on occasion going out and eating. They do this quite often and I'm worried about all the processed meat.

This would be okay if they exercised or went to gym but they don't. I have to be the one to tell them to go for a walk at the weekends or after work.

In our family we have history of diabetes and coronary artery calcification. This hasn't happened to me because I eat healthy exercise. I'm worried about what will happen to them.

I’m worried about what will happen to them
I’d be worried about their mental health as their own mother thinks making jibes like you look pregnant is acceptable.

they will know they’re overweight. They will know your family history, back off at this point, constantly making jibes and nagging about go for a walk won’t help anyone, probably just makes them want to comfort eat, my mother was like this it made me feel miserable, comfort eat etc

Frame it as the whole family are going to work on their health and fitness if you must say anything at all. Shaming overweight people and constantly pointing out that they’re fat rarely works. My mam did this to me growing up. I was overweight since I was a young child. It was awful and if anything it stressed me out and made me comfort eat even more. You can’t force people to be healthier. You need to approach it from a place of concern, mention the family history of diabetes and heart issues. Then don’t keep mentioning it again. You need to back way off, you shouldn’t know your child’s BMI if they are a young adult. You will risk ruining your relationship with them if you keep going on about their weight

Ah my MIL does this to me - it’s a joy 🙄

Worry away, but they are only going to be able to make changes if and when they want to.

Having a supportive, non judgemental, parent is far more likely to help people make healthy choices.
Being judged and criticised is more likely to result in comfort eating and binge eating

Go for it, at least once a day. Preferably as they make the “bad choice”
it’s totally fine
it will definitely deepen and strengthen your relationship with them.

of get them to move out and go no contact
or set them up for a lifetime of insecurity and body issues.

ffs
its no longer 1985.

my mother did this to me, I was not fat, but even now at a healthy weight I have ongoing issues with my self esteem

I literally choked the other day when my mother earnestly told me that my sister developed an eating disorder due to my father's focus on HIS weight, which was necessary because he was pre-diabetic.

My sister quite clearly remembers when and why she developed an eating disorder. It was when my mother, who was extremely competitive with her daughters when it came to weight and looks, and my sister had the misfortune to be designated 'the pretty one', grabbed my perfectly normal to slender teenaged sisters tummy when she was sitting down, jiggled it up and down, and gleefully stated, 'you're getting a pot'!

Don't be like Mum.

My daughter is at the same stage in life as yours. I think the first year at uni is a pretty seminal one, and the first one where they have had the freedom and responsibility to feed themselves. They can live on take out if they want and can afford it. They often try so hard and so earnestly to make good food choices, but there's a lot going on, and often food is a very accessible and easy comfort.

They definitely know if the weight has crept on, and obsess about it, just as we do about ours. They're not stupid.

Obviously we care and are concerned. But I think our role here is support, and access to and assistance with making good food and lifestyle choices. And biting our tongue until it bloody well bleeds, if necessary!

My DD increased by 3 clothing sizes at uni - pretty much a size a year - and is 'well covered'. She is well aware and wants to lose the excess weight. I praise her every time she makes a good choice (like not drinking or goes to the gym). i would suggest your DC needs encouragement and motivation to say no to high calorie foods/drinks and increase exercise, not criticism.

You don’t need to mention their weight though I understand your concern.

instead research the best food choices for the types of conditions you mention - essentially the answer will be not UPF and not sugar though there may be something more tailored. Demonstrate making good choices routinely. Ditto excercise. Mention you do these things to improve health chances and recommend they do the same to allow them to have treats sometimes at less impact. Then you’ll have to accept that more than that is going to risk that you taint your relationship and that is also a bad outcome. Love and accept them regardless, it’s a tough food world out there.

Just always have low fat, mimimal meat protein, healthy vegetable rich and whole grain food.
Have bowl of fruit and no biscuit tin.
Buy only healthy breakfast cereal options.

I would also ask DC to go for a walk with you every evening -just for the company (and safety) and your fitness.
Never mention their weight or fitness unless it is true and positive...
You are a much stronger walker up hill than me.
Thanks for joining me; I love your company and you make walking more enjoyable.

having this issue with my 16yo atm, she's not doing anything and eating rubbish.

We've always allowed treats, but she's over eating.

I would never call her fat, or make fun of her appearance, what i have done is sit her down, discuss how weight/calories/exercise are related to the food she is eating.

Any parent insulting their DC's rather than having an adult conversation is a shitty sort of parent.

For example how often would you say "you have a pot belly", "you'll get health issues" , "you look pregnant"?

Never. I would never say any of those things.

Do you think they are unaware they are overweight? Have they talked about it with you before?

The trouble with sitting them down for a talk about calories, weight, exercise, and food, is that (I've found) they, (usually accurately) interpret that as a negative reflection on their current weight and figure.

If someone suddenly starts extolling the virtues of cottage cheese and grapefruit, and expresses a burning desire for my company on a brisk walk or trip to the gym, I'm possibly going to think about what I think they may be saying without saying. . .

I was also going to comment 'mother is that you?'.
there's a reason I live 900 miles away now!

I've had a pot belly my whole adult life. At my lightest I was slightly underweight and still had some pudge around my middle. At my heaviest proper pot belly. My abs are also shit, so the way my belly rests when I'm sat down makes me look overweight. But I've never actually been overweight.

I would back off.

The constant nagging and criticism is likely having, and has had, a negative effect on OP's adult dc. While OP might be right, dc is an adult and OP is quite over-bearing.

Insulting them doesn’t address anything. You can say occasionally that you’re concerned about diabetes etc. Then leave it. Going on at them is likely to make them cross or upset and comfort eat and get fatter.