Addressing Overweight DC (who are old enough to know better)

[EveryonDanceNow]

For example if they are overweight due to bad eating habits and lack of exercise how often do you point out that they are overweight?

For example how often would you say "you have a pot belly", "you'll get health issues" , "you look pregnant"?

Or do you address it more tactfully or not at all?

I wouldn't say any of those things in your OP. They are unkind.

How about starting a conversation about healthy eating and what changes you can make as a family. It doesn't have to be focused on weight. In the end, if your DC ups their veg and pulses, decreases carbs, eats mainly lean protein, adds healthy fats such as nuts and olive oil, their gut health, heart health, brain health etc all stand to improve ...... and hopefully weight health as well.

For example how often would you say "you have a pot belly", "you'll get health issues" , "you look pregnant"?

Mother? Is that you?

I would never say it to any of my children. No one is oblivious to the fact that they've put weight on. They don't need their mother pointing it out, and certainly not in the words you've suggested. How awful.

Umm you would never say unkind, horrible things to your children at any age…

You sound like a real piece of work op.

It's rude and nasty to make cruel remarks about weight. People have eyes. It's their own body FFS. They know they're bigger.

Serve healthy meals and maybe offer to do hobbies with them that might be exercise based. Do you fancy a walk? Wanna go to the outdoor gym? Shall we go swimming?

But not body shaming or ridiculing. Thats bang out of order.

Ah so you’re trying to persuade her to move out?

You don't. They know.

28?

I wish...

Blimey, you're rude tho if you say those things. Their life, their problem. Model good behaviour but judgemental tut comments aren't likely to work. They've lived with you all their life, probably just tune you out when you're being rude.

My mother used to tell me i was overweight and she was worried (BUT ALSO THE ONE FEEDING ME). She would say things like hold your tiny in when you stand up so you can't see your belly as much. At school I was bullied for being fat, and xame home to that.
roll on years and years of hating my body and having no respect for myself!

BMI of 28! That’s hardly enormous is it FFS!

how often would you say “you have a pot belly”?

Jesus. Why not just call them a disgusting fatty fatty every time you see them.

You cannot think that is a reasonable or even slightly productive way to speak to someone.

28?!

Not that saying those things is acceptable at any size.

I think this must be a reverse.

How do you even know your DC's BMI?

Making healthy food for them or encouraging healthy activities is one thing but actually insulting them is horrific. Those words will haunt them. If their own mother see them like this, their self-esteem will be in the bin.

That is significantly overweight.

My BMI is 23 and I’m classed as overweight due to my ethnicity. I need to lose a stone in order to be in the ‘medium’ range and ideally should have a BMI of 21. I can’t image having a BMI of 28 and I’m sure that’s very very overweight for most people.

Mine is higher than that, and I definitely do not look “very very overweight.”

I do look overweight, but not “very very.”

Not that I’d be particularly bothered if I did. Everyone’s bodies are different. What looks huge on one person won’t on another.

We don’t know how tall this person is, what their shape is, anything about them, and assigning arbitrary numbers, with no other context, so we can tell people off is a fairly horrendous way to live.

Yeah it’s not too bad. They probably look fairly normal. Did you know that originally the healthy BMI was considered to be in the 27 range and then it was arbitrarily changed to 25 in 1998. Being overweight and not obese is linked to living longer (slightly longer than those of normal BMI). So no, this person is not likely to be some enormous whale like specimen.

I have struggled with my weight. I’ve recently spent time with my MIL. God it’s relentless. Every other thing that comes out of her mouth is about food and weight and how so and so is fat and shouldn’t eat so much. It’s so exhausting and destructive. Like okay if your child is morbidly obese and struggles to walk I can get some concern but otherwise, why does it matter? Why does it matter that Judy from the tennis club has fat legs and ate four biscuits in one go last time you saw her? Why do you expect some sort of medal or congratulations if you only eat one slice of toast for breakfast and why do you feel the need to comment on how most people would eat more and that that’s why they are fat? Why is it necessary to preface eating any high calorie food with a comment that you wouldn’t normally eat this but it’s a treat and you did walk four miles today?

Young adult working

At what point would you envisage their body being their business rather than yours?

What's your BMI, and would you welcome your DC shouting Good Morning Saggy Arse! as you come into the kitchen?

So they've done uni and are now working so are at least 22/23 years old?!

And how the hell do you know their BMI??

This is none of your business.
You do not say anything to them at all.
Not even with passive/aggressive salads for dinner every night.

Have they ever been active OP? Do they have anyone they could go to the gym with?
What do they think about it?

It's really hard, OP. If you love your child, you want them to be healthy. Despite all the comments snarking at you, we have an obesity epidemic and oodles of people paying for a drug to help them lose weight. It's not OK to have a BMI of 28 as a child.

However I think that expressions of disgust related to appearance help no one. You may have to accept this is their choice. Nowadays they will get plenty of validation in anti fat shaming memes etc. their friends will be overwight (some).

I'd step back as much as you can. Try not to give them an eating disorder. Provide tasty healthy food.

They have free will

I had that too. Even at an old size 12 or 14 I was told I was fat.
Yesterday I found a pair of St Micheal (M&S) size 14 pants in the drawer I measured them against my current 16s they must be two sizes smaller.
Yet my Mum was was always telling me I was fat.

Ok vanity sizing and elastic waists just don't always help people gauge how big they are but someone telling you your fat when really you aren't is just soul destroying.

I'd love to be able to get my ass into those old size 14s again!

Edit M&S stopped using St Michael in 2000

For example how often would you say "you have a pot belly", "you'll get health issues" , "you look pregnant"?

Never, because this is absolutely none of your business. They are adults.

I fully appreciate that parents don't stop worrying about their kids when the kids become grown-ups, but worrying about them doesn't entitle you to have a say in what they look like, whether they exercise or what they eat. Yes, they might be damaging their health (although I think you're probably significantly over-anxious about the degree to which that's likely to happen at their age - you're massively projecting based on what happened to your brother) but again - not your business, because they are adults and can make their own choices.

I guarantee you that your adult son/daughter is fully aware that they are overweight and you nagging them and making them feel bad isn't going to help. At all.

I don't think I know anyone - not one person - who has responded well to their parents telling them they're fat/unhealthy/need to lose weight. I know quite a few who have awful self-esteem and disordered eating habits directly caused by their parents going on about their weight they were younger, though.

If you're genuinely motivated by their well-being, shut up about their weight.

If what you want is to alienate your child and worsen their self-esteem, crack on and make your unkind remarks.

Your child knows they are overweight. You commenting on it will not help in any way.

Pointing it out is pointless.

We know we're overweight, we have eyes, we have mirrors, we can see it ourselves.

The only thing my mother pointing it out to me ever did was make me want to spend less time with her.

Stop bringing it up, all you're doing is damaging your relationship with your kids.

I always read those threads were people have decided to be no-contact with their parents and think 'surely they aren't that bad.' I'll try and keep this thread in mind next time.

All you should do OP is keep up the healthy cooking and eating, and lead by example.