To not pay for private 6th form

[Spoiltbrathelpplease]

I love her but I’ve somehow raised a spoilt, entitled brat - dd16. Can’t be solely my parenting as other 2 kids are really decent people (one older, one younger). She just screamed at me over & over to Fxxx off because I dared ask her to do something useful rather than lie in bed all day. There is plenty to do if she wanted and she has already been away twice this holidays. She will only do stuff if it involves money being spent (on her). I’ve just hit a wall (metaphorically!!)…. We’re meant to going away again next week on our family holiday, dh has now agreed he will stay home with her and I will take other kids (& they can take a friend each instead). Think I need a bit more backbone to follow through if anyone can impart wisdom & strength i’d be really grateful😞. We regularly try to have sensible chats, she says she’ll make an effort but it lasts a couple of days. I know teenagers are meant to be twats but there’s just no accountability there at all. Her siblings really try to be kind and tolerant but she’s mostly vile to them. Ahhhh😭

Sorry posted too soon - also considering not sending her to the private sixth form. She has a place at the local college. I just don’t want to fork out for the to do even less and become more entitled!

Your job as a parent is to facilitate the best education possible.

acting like a teenager and wanting to lounge around does not mean she should lose out on her entire future. If you want her to engage in particular tasks, then lay out the rules in advance and use parental controls on her devices to limit access unless those tasks are completed.

Well if she’s telling you to fuck off then she needs to loose privileges, similarly if she is rude to her siblings, so start doing that. She needs a list of chores, and if she doesn’t do them, she looses privileges/allowance.

I wouldn’t worry about lying in bed or force a family holiday on her, but does your DH really need to stay home with her? Can she not stay at home in touch by phone? She is 16.

As for the school, presumably you’ve done it for educational reasons, not a nice treat? In which case if you can afford it and she’ll benefit do it, if not, don’t.

She’ll probably be delightful at 25. Some teens are terrible.

Get real!!!! Her "entire future" does not depend on her attending a private 6th Form.

No, you’re still her parent. It doesn’t work like that, you still need to make the best decisions for her education based on your resources and judgement. Not as a punishment or reward. Her behaviour is unacceptable, but that’s not a reason to not send her to the private sixth form. You don’t want to compound the issues in your relationship with her with this. It’ll make it worse, and might be too much change for her if she’s already struggling with behaviour and emotional regulation. Unfortunately you’ve still got to be the adult and do your beat and rise above it!

I’ve assumed she’s going to sixth form with her friends and that that is this coming September. If you’re saying it’s too much of a stretch money wise I’d say something different, but you can’t make the parenting and resources you give her contingent on her behaviour during the most challlenging years parents often have with their children.

I can’t see the link between her wanting to lay in bed all day (normal teenage behaviour) and where she goes for sixth form.

I think the PP’s slightly dramatic turn of phrase is a response to OP’s rather dramatic suggestion she reduce her daughter’s educational opportunities because she’s an annoying teenager.

As her parents if you think this is the best choice for her then do it. You don't have to pander to her, it's up to you to decide. BTW it's perfectly reasonable to expect her to get good grades wherever she goes.

Not sure I would be punishing her by withdrawing education, if I’m honest with you.

Do they need private school in the 6th form? Lots transfer to state at that stage here. The classes are smaller anyway and the ahem “less engaged” students have left.

Don’t make this sort of decision in anger.

if you genuinely want to review options, wait until you are both able to talk it through.

OP it so it sounds very stressful I'm battling the same here but younger.

However I'm also researching ADHD , ASD and so on . There are different ways of asking and encouraging things .
Does she do well at school ?
Usual issues boy friends friends upsetting her are you a blended family ,is she your daughter...

And why is it so wrong for her to be in her room teens do a lot maybe she needs to decompress

@MeetTheGrahams .
Yes but movingnher out of spite and leaving her with no support network or friends...may

Ops DD if she's in private school never asked for this .didn't ask to be sent
.

Her behaviour at home and her academic abilities etc are separate things though surely?

If she studied hard to get a place at the private one and it will genuinely make her more likely to get good grades, get into a good uni etc, then I think she should still go. If you can actually afford it.

You should tell her you'll pay for the college but not fund her endlessly for hobbies, phone, drink, drugs, deliveroo whatever teens waste their money on these days.

Give her a limited allowance and tell her to get a part time job if she wants more stuff. I'd say education spending is different from the other blase ways she seems to treat your money.

Thanks all - needed a bit of a decompress & calm advice. You’re right re the not changing education plans when they’re at their most challenging behaviour wise - I’ve often told Dh recently that we need to stick with the school plan as putting her in an entirely new massive environment of about 3000 students wouldn’t help the situation. It is going to be a stretch as dh has just been made redundant - but even if it takes him 8 months/a year to find a new job we should be ok🤞🙈. Am I reasonable on the holiday front though? She made the last week we had away really difficult for us and her siblings and, given her behaviour just now, in addition to everything else I think we need to do something to make it clear the behaviour is not acceptable and cannot continue. Sanctions like removing phone do not work - if I ask her to hand it over she will run away (usually comes back but I don’t like the worry) or then subtly nick one of her siblings devices. We used to have parental controls on it but she’s savvy and worked out a way round. We are not a blended family. I can’t tell you how much money we’ve spent trying to help her - she has had at least double spent on her compared her siblings over her teen years but still wants more & more (& always claims to be hard done by).

I agree with @theunbreakablecleopatrajones , your DH doesn’t need to miss out on the holiday. Do you have family or close friends who could keep an eye/be her emergency contact while you’re away? Perhaps it would do her good to have to let ok after herself for a week, she might be more appreciative of everything that you do for her.

Re. Sixth Form. If you think that the private option would be the best fit for her, do it.
She’ll move out of the current difficult phase, you need to consider what’s best for her long term.

🤷‍♀️ Might actually be better in state education. She’ll be treated more fairly by the current government and some universities anyway..

@Spoiltbrathelpplease well done on calming down a bit. I’m not sure about the holiday, I still think this toughest behaviour is when you need to stay closest to her. I totally appreciate you, your DH and your other kids need a break though, especially with the redundancy. She’s probably acting out more with that as well, stress in the parents can be sensed by kids and acted on in indirect ways. My opinion is a family holiday is a family holiday and she is family. You send a message that she’s not if you don’t take her. If you and DH need a rest, have a weekend away, have a friend, relative or trusted babysitter for 48hrs. I know people who left their 16yo behind and the relationship became irreparable and they got in with friends who led them into worse behaviour. Even if you can’t see it, your daughter benefits from you being there as a cultural and moral guide. You might find this book helpful, I read about it on MN “Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers” by Gabor Maté and Gordon Neufeld.

I get what you’re saying @Lucyintheskywithdiamonnds but I reckon UK unis are going to be so desperate for bums on seats in the coming years as long as you’re not keen for the top 6 or so you’ll be fine wherever you’re educated. If she’d done a bit more work she could’ve aimed that high but sadly does the bare minimum to do ok but not more. But that’s another thread😆. My issue re private school is that attitude though - the doing just enough to pass but not her best. Results don’t matter as long as you do your best ….but she just doesn’t care enough. To be fair though, she may do after gcse results come out….. she’s expecting pretty good grades and both mocks and lack of revision suggest otherwise….

Where does she want to go for sixth form? My DN chose a state school six form college instead of her small all girls private school for a change and also unis do look favourably at DC from state sixth schools forms.

Thanks @BakeOffRewatch - yeah, I understand the idea of not wanting to alienate her more….That’s why dh would stay behind with her. If she had to choose one of us to spend time with she’d usually pick him - he’s not a pushover by any means but she prefers his company to mine (I’m a realist and not offended!). He won’t be working so they could do some other stuff together, there’s a hobby they have in common… time away from the rest of us may even be helpful? Or is that wishful thinking?

She wants the private sixth form…. I did try to persuade her to give the college a decent chance but she’s really not keen. The classes at college are 25/30 and at the private they’ll be 10 or so. She much prefers a smaller environment ….but then so do many of us!….

How do you know an expensive 6th form is the best education possible? Are you assuming that more cost equals better fit for every child?

She's old enough to understand the consequences of her behaviour, not unreasonable at all to go to the college she has a place at

Withdraw privileges.

Educational stability is not a privilege. It is a basic. It is something all responsible parents do their utmost to provide.

There will be children who come from much less affluent backgrounds whose parents have still managed to provide them with educational stability (albeit in a state school). This is parenting 101, not something to be withdrawn (or threatened to be withdrawn) at a whim.

You made your decision on your child's school when she started secondary. Yes, there are some parents who for financial or other reasons have to move their children mid-secondary school, but it is generally harmful and should be avoided if at all possible.

This. It's worse than not sending her private at all.