To not pay for private 6th form

[Spoiltbrathelpplease]

I love her but I’ve somehow raised a spoilt, entitled brat - dd16. Can’t be solely my parenting as other 2 kids are really decent people (one older, one younger). She just screamed at me over & over to Fxxx off because I dared ask her to do something useful rather than lie in bed all day. There is plenty to do if she wanted and she has already been away twice this holidays. She will only do stuff if it involves money being spent (on her). I’ve just hit a wall (metaphorically!!)…. We’re meant to going away again next week on our family holiday, dh has now agreed he will stay home with her and I will take other kids (& they can take a friend each instead). Think I need a bit more backbone to follow through if anyone can impart wisdom & strength i’d be really grateful😞. We regularly try to have sensible chats, she says she’ll make an effort but it lasts a couple of days. I know teenagers are meant to be twats but there’s just no accountability there at all. Her siblings really try to be kind and tolerant but she’s mostly vile to them. Ahhhh😭

The college has a really good reputation educationally, pastorally it’s not so good ..and I do have a couple of friends whose kids have really struggled to settle there (though equally a few who’ve had a great time). It’s the one, & pretty much only, really good state option round here.

has she been in private school up until now? Are her siblings in private school? Will the other two be offered private sixth form?

Stability is a great word @CrispieCake . The school they go to is also the main place they socialise, it provides social stability too. I flicked through the book @Spoiltbrathelpplease , it’s more for kids the age you have when they are keen to pull away from you, my kids aren’t school age yet. One of the things it says is family holidays are really important. You’ve mentioned how much you’ve spent on her, your first thought in anger is to take away the spend on private education - I knew a lot of people at school whose parents provided tons of money but their parents just did not know them, their deepest fears and secrets and worries and I can imagine their parents would type what you have. A family holiday is a great time to do 121 with her, with both you and DH. I think your DH being with his other two kids is important too. I wouldn’t take two friends on the holiday instead. Giving my opinion as the core question has changed. Your parenting style and approach will differ of course, I hope it helps. The behaviour you describe from your daughter is really acting out and attention grabbing, running away, taking her siblings phones. Being punitive isn’t working. I don’t think any - more, sounds like as a family you are processing a lot - sudden big changes, to holiday, family dynamics, schooling will help.

I can tell you’re a concerned and a caring mum at the end of your tether. Wishing you all the best to re-bond with your DD.

Thanks everyone! Ok, so I’m unreasonable force changes to her preferred sixth form plan. I know you’re right, I’m just so very riled by her right now and to spend such a colossal amount of money on someone so ungrateful & entitled feels like a real punch in the gut! It’s not a proper posh school but is still in the region of 20k a year. I need a crystal ball to let me know when she’s going to become a more reasonable human being. I was a pretty decent parent with young kids, I’m really crap at teenagers!

From my experience teens and above all go through a dreadful stage or stages.

If she wants to move schools that’s great but I personally wouldn’t use it as a punishment for bad behaviour.

Perhaps suggest arranging a tour together to the local 6th form college ? If she questions it try to calmly suggest that you think it may work better for everyone because she doesn’t seem happy and you’d like to make it better.

A great tip I was given was to tackle these difficult discussions side by side rather than face to face.

I was told to mention it on a walk, drive or anything where it wasn’t face to face and leave lots of silence so they contribute.

The teenage years are never easy. I had an awful 14 year old who is absolutely lovely now and a golden child who went to University and was absolutely awful age 19.

Good luck and you are absolutely not alone.

Why has dh backed out of the holiday to be with her? It sounds as if he has opted for an easy life to avoid conflict and putting more responsibility on you, although he may have sound reason unrelated to dd.

I can imagine @Spoiltbrathelpplease ! It must be frustrating that you're making all these sacrifices and she's apparently throwing them back in your faces and not making the most of her opportunities.

But you need to be clear about what counts as a privilege (and can therefore justifiably be withdrawn for poor behaviour) and what is a basic that good parents provide. Providing a stable home and enabling stable schooling are just basics. And yes, private school is not a right but imo it doesn't come into the privilege category either, once children are actually there. Changing schools unnecessarily is harmful for children, especially at secondary level and especially if the children themselves have no agency in the decision, i.e. it's not a choice that they themselves made.

Personally, I'm not sure I'd put family holidays into the 'privilege' category either since I think they're just part of family life (and children shouldn't be excluded from family life as a punishment).

You seem a lovely parent who is at the end of their tether during a difficult age.

Neither my husband or myself went to private school and at times we certainly raised our eyes about how our children took things for advantage in comparison to our own childhood.

From experience it will pass and she’ll become a lovely young lady.

I don't know why you're forcing her to get out of bed tbh, why are you picking fights? Let her have a day in bed if she wants it, she's a teen and it's the summer hols.

It's far too late to suddenly start punishing her now by taking away holidays and private school - what are you looking to get out of it? If you just want to prove a point then fill your boots - but don't expect it to change her behaviour in any way, it'll just make her resent and hate you more.

Or would she prefer to stay home? Maybe that's why she played up last time because she's grown out of family holidays. I think you need to stop thinking in terms of childish punishments and start moving her towards being more independent and having more responsibility.

She needs more listening to, more communicating with, more time, more responsibility given (in a positive way), more encouragement, more understanding and more thinking about her future and what she needs to get where she wants to be. You need to be building alliances with her, not trying to punish her into being a good girl.

I'm sorry, what? Describing private school as a 'basic that good parents provide'? Loads of children move schools for sixth form. It's hardly like she'd be pulled out partway through her GCSEs. Some parents choose private for years 7-11 to avoid poor behaviour and then a good local sixth form college when that isn't so much of an issue. I don't have a strong opinion either way but to imply the OP wouldn't be a good parent if she did this option is ridiculous. You're talking about another £40k of schooling, it's hardly a 'basic'.

If you had read my posts properly, I do not say anywhere that private school is a parenting "basic" 🙄.

Educational stability is. There are children who come from very modest backgrounds who have the benefit of continuing at their schools (and with their established friendship groups) uninterrupted until the end of sixth form.

It would be a shame if the OP, who I'm assuming is reasonably affluent if private education is currently being funded for 3 children, doesn't provide something for her DD which many other parents with much less money are able to. Her child may have been better off at a state school all along, than having her education and friendship groups interrupted now.

I wouldn't change the education situation but I would definitely be spending less on extras... Why is she getting so much more than her siblings?
At her age an allowance and that's it..
She needs to start seeing actions + consequences..
You and DH need to be very clear on what your boundaries are... Especially as you have 2 younger dc who will be taking this all in...

I would leave her behind and have an enjoyable holiday with the others why should they have to put up with her!

But maybe position it as a choice you have all come to so that they will equally have that choice when they are that age...

Calmness and joint considered boundaries were my way of coping with the teen years!

My dc did move state for 6th form but it was their preference although if there hadn't have been a state option i was happy with they wouldn't have had a choice..

OP it sounds like something more going on here is she the poor in comparison to her friends does she have ADHD or ASD ?

Behaviour is communication