I'm very happy in my relationship, but..

[Platesoin]

I am concerned about the way it's changing me and my friendships, and about becoming dependent.

I'll try to explain.

I was happily single for a long time. I had friends, but not really a "best" friend or anyone I shared life plans etc with. I was (am) happy in my own company and enjoyed the challenge of planning and setting off on adventures by myself. Anything from going to the theatre and dinner or an overseas trip. I'd go with friends when the opportunity arose, but also often on my own.

I've been seeing this man for a year. He's fab and I'm loving life, still having adventures but there's rarely any time to do them solo because we have so many plans together.

He wants to see me a lot and has loads of ideas for fun things to do (and plans them, which is nice), but he'd be fine if I said I wanted to e.g. go away on my own. I just don't. When it comes to it, although I always thought I enjoyed going alone, I'd rather do things with him.

I'm also seeing less and less of my old friends because I have less time. I don't turn anything down, but I was often the organiser and as my focus has changed, much less is happening with them. Tbh I'm a bit fed up with them, and have realised if I don't contact them I don't hear from them. Possibly they're not contacting me because things have changed too.

So whilst life is good atm, I am worried that I have all my eggs in one basket and my life now completely revolves around this man.

Otoh, my old friends don't feel like too much of a loss (we haven't fallen out, it's just not what it was) and I could always go back to doing things alone.

Also, my main hobby is the thing that brought us together, so whilst I used to do that alone or with other friends/aquaintances, now he's always there too!

Is this a normal consequence of being in a realtionship or do I need to make a change?

How old are you?

I think it's a normal consequence of being in a relationship

Some say that or isn't but they are almost always single or poly. I've only met one couple who successfully lived their own schedules for the most part while sharing a home and being in a functioning lifelong relationship

Not that you shouldn't keep any time aside for yourself, friends and interests but the reality is that once you deduct work and then a relationship you're talking one maybe two things a week for most people

Too old to be worrying over this stuff! 50s. I've been there done that I terms of a relationship being a life goal. Have no plans to "settled down" and am enjoying my adventures.

I think prioritising your partner is one thing, having no life outside them is very unhealthy.
I've been with DH for 20+ years and we spend plenty of time together but both have interests, friends and hobbies that we spend time apart doing.

I'd never give up on my friends for a relationship. Maybe see them less often, but I wouldn't let them go. Even if the relationship turns out to be long term, it's not a good idea to shun everyone else.

I'm not shunning anyone. I've just realised that now I don't plan every weekend with friends, no one is contacting me to suggest plans.

Yes, I tend to agree. It's all "just happened".

The thing I always took myself off to do without DH is now a shared hobby.

So he's gone from 'man you're seeing' to DH in half an hour? You are a fast mover...

But bluntly, so what? You were always the instigator, so that's the basis on which those friendships happened for a long time. You were presumably happy with that for a long time. If you vanish into a relationship and stop instigating, why then get cross that your friends haven't suddenly turned into instigators? You're the one who's changed the status quo of the friendships, not them, If you'd like to see them more, instigate seeing them.

I think you'd be crazy to ditch everyone else in your life out of pique, and have your entire life revolve around a relationship of a year that may not last.

My friends don't necessarily often contact me either (been partnered a long time and so have most of them), but they're still important to me. If I want to see them I make contact as I realise we all have things going on and time flies. As I get older, I realise more people can leave your life rather than enter it, so I like to cultivate those who are around.

I'm not piqued, but things change,.my energy is more.spread. I was happy to do it when I had no one else to think of, but it's made me realise just how one sided it was.

I have actually sent two messaged suggesting things this week, and the response has been lukewarm. Maybe becuase they sense things have changed too, but also because one of them has a new relationship.

What I have done is join two new groups to go to on my own and made contact with an old friend from way back to offer some support with something she's dealing with currently.

Oh good grief op

yes, surely all of you have jobs, families, parents in need, a shed load of responsibilities

and you’re navel gazing about something if think a year 10 might do

I have actually sent two messaged suggesting things this week, and the response has been lukewarm. Maybe becuase they sense things have changed too, but also because one of them has a new relationship.

maybe because they’re busy with work, families, life

You always instigated
but now you’re not, you expect them to

Not. Going. To. Happen.

Then you're even more unreasonable, surely, to resent a friend for a 'lukewarm' response when it's possibly lukewarm for the same reason you no longer instigate meetings -- you're both prioritising new relationships over existing friendships?

Or both responses were lukewarm because you essentially vanished for a year, because you think your friends are less important than your new man and have allowed him to occupy all the space in your life that they used to, but still expect them to leap at the chance of seeing you now you've decided you should fit them in in case you're putting all your eggs in one basket, even though you don't actually appear to miss them or place any particular value on those friendships.

I mean, presumably while you've been gone, they've prioritised other friendships as well?

So if you stop planning it Op, then looks like they won’t be fussed but you’ll miss out.

cutting your nose off to spite your face springs to mind

I think you're taking this.more seriously than I'm feeling it.

I was just pondering the way my life has changed and wondering if I need to do something.

Maybe re read your own Op, OP 😆

And yet you started a thread on the internet inviting advice on whether you should mend relationships with old friends because you're worried that, given that a newish boyfriend now takes up all of your life, you might be putting all your eggs in one basket.

I would have said, yes, you should definitely maintain all valued friendships, and that over-reliance on a single relationship, romantic or otherwise, is unwise, but you actually don't sound as if your friends are at all important to you, and it sounds as if you only saw them because you didn't have a partner. Now you do, and you don't need them, and you'd be happy to go back to doing things alone if your relationship ends.

Maybe you could aim to do something with friends or by yourself once a month so you’ve still got a sense of your independence outside of your relationship, whilst recognising you’re basically happy to spend most of your time with your new partner

At your age you are old enough to know not to drop your friends for a boyfriend of one year.

I think for most people making new friends gets progressively harder as you get older. I’d be cautious about creating too much distance with friends.

I actually think the partner is secondary here.

The primary issue is that your friends aren’t instigating plans with you. It took meeting your partner to realise that, but he isn’t actually the cause of the problem here - your friends are.

You aren’t unreasonable for not wanting to make an effort with people you’ve realised aren’t making an effort with you. If you’re happy doing things alone and/or with your partner, crack on. Prioritise and cherish any friends who do make time for you.

I think I may be the only one to see this as a normal part of the early stages of a relationship? Sure, don't cut off your friendships, but that's not what OP is doing anyway. Roles have changed, it takes time to adjust to a new reality (from being single to being coupled is a big change). No need for such dramatic takes!

I think that's nonsense. People fall into patterns in relationships. Some people instigate, others tend not to. Given that 'instigating plans' usually means something as minor as sending a text saying 'Fancy going for a drink next weekend?' I don't think it could reasonably be viewed as some enormous drain on time and energy.