I'm very happy in my relationship, but..

[Platesoin]

I am concerned about the way it's changing me and my friendships, and about becoming dependent.

I'll try to explain.

I was happily single for a long time. I had friends, but not really a "best" friend or anyone I shared life plans etc with. I was (am) happy in my own company and enjoyed the challenge of planning and setting off on adventures by myself. Anything from going to the theatre and dinner or an overseas trip. I'd go with friends when the opportunity arose, but also often on my own.

I've been seeing this man for a year. He's fab and I'm loving life, still having adventures but there's rarely any time to do them solo because we have so many plans together.

He wants to see me a lot and has loads of ideas for fun things to do (and plans them, which is nice), but he'd be fine if I said I wanted to e.g. go away on my own. I just don't. When it comes to it, although I always thought I enjoyed going alone, I'd rather do things with him.

I'm also seeing less and less of my old friends because I have less time. I don't turn anything down, but I was often the organiser and as my focus has changed, much less is happening with them. Tbh I'm a bit fed up with them, and have realised if I don't contact them I don't hear from them. Possibly they're not contacting me because things have changed too.

So whilst life is good atm, I am worried that I have all my eggs in one basket and my life now completely revolves around this man.

Otoh, my old friends don't feel like too much of a loss (we haven't fallen out, it's just not what it was) and I could always go back to doing things alone.

Also, my main hobby is the thing that brought us together, so whilst I used to do that alone or with other friends/aquaintances, now he's always there too!

Is this a normal consequence of being in a realtionship or do I need to make a change?

At 15, absolutely. At 50something? No.

I agree to a point, but it's not nice to realise that if you don't make the effort with friends no-one will.

But what is the 'effort', though? I don't mean that unpleasantly, but if it's a matter of sending a group text saying 'Fancy going for a drink?' or 'Does anyone else want to see X in the cinema next week?', it's not exactly heavy lifting.

Effort, thought? You'd be happy to realise that all your friendships were such that you had to make the first contact everytime?

Maybe you are right, I don't know. I don't see any red flags here. I agree with what a pp has said: the issue here seems to be about the friendships, with the new relationship only being the catalyst.

They never gave you any impression that they actively wanted to get together by instigating

you instigated
now you don’t
and they carry on doing what they’ve always done

You shouldn’t be too afraid to tell your partner that you want to spend some time alone.

“Sorry DP, I’m not free Friday I’ve put aside the day to have some quality me time however I am free Saturday. Those plans sound lovely let’s do them then instead.”

I'm not afraid at all. He'd be fine. I just find I prefer not to, when he suggests something I want to go.

I think I'd assume nothing other than that my friends were people who needed or wanted contact at shorter intervals than I did, if they routinely got in touch rather than the other way round. I'm not an instigator in my friendships, but I am delighted to hear from people. I assume they get in touch because they want to.

Does your boyfriend have many of his own friends and things he likes to do? It would concern me a bit to be dating a man who wanted to spend all his free time with me and make all our hobbies joint hobbies, however much I enjoyed his company. In the honeymoon period it probably feels lovely; but long term, a man with no friends of his own can become a cumbersome burden.

It’s fine to be a bit upset that your friends seem to have faded a bit now that you aren’t the one doing the organising. If you enjoy their company and you all have a good time when you do spend time together, I’d try to get over that feeling a bit and just accept that somebody has to send out the invitation, and it may as well be you. Don’t bin off good and long-standing friends over something like this, because relationships are happy until they aren’t. It’s natural that when people are in relationships they may have to spread themselves more thinly socially - in which case, it’s not a lot of legwork to do with friends.

Agreed, @ComtesseDeSpair -- no one wants a friendless man whose only conduit to the rest of the world is you.

He does have friends and interests but we were friends, through one of the interests beforw we got together, so there's a lot of overlap. It's not so much that he wants to spend all our time together, but that our friends and interests overlap, so we're often at the same things. We always were, even before we were a couple.

So although we see each other most days, we're only alone together for part of it.

I don’t think you would have written this post if all was really hunky dory. Take a week, go places by yourself don’t lose yourself in him.

Well yes, obviously something's got me thinking.

I could easily take a week, if I wanted to, but it would mean cancelling or moving things I'd rather do. In fact that's probably what got me thinking about how different things are. I've been having a solo trip in early summer every year and realised I haven't done it this year. Looked at my diary to plan it and realised there's nothing I want to cancel to be able to go.

Then I realised that there's not a lot in there with friends, where we (I) would previously have had the summer planned out, and that none of them appear to have noticed or care.

I have declined a trip next weekend with some mutual friends so I can go to a workshop on my own.

This is exactly how I read it and agree.

It sounds brilliant, go with the flow and enjoy how it unfurls. You say you were the 'organiser friend' and that's died off so you aren't seeing friends as much. That would happen if you were seeing someone or not, stop organising , things stop happening. Honestly, enjoy it, don't overthink, you sound far from dependant, you've just met someone great you want to do things with.

But the thread is about the OP’s lack of proper friends

Same here.