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Original poster

What is going on with DP and his friend?

37 replies

Lollysoup · 28/07/2025 09:23

DP has friendships from way back, which are important to him and which he devotes quite a lot of energy into maintaining. This, I think, is a good thing?

His best friend is clearly feeling neglected since we got together. Best friend is a married man with DC and a busy job. DP had been single for a long time before we met, so their normal had been that DP was available when friend could fit him in. Everyone was happy with that.

I am firmly of the view that this friend is, and should continue to be important to DP, but they speak (as in actual conversations, not text) around 3 times a day. And that's when I'm with DP, it could be more when I'm not. When we're together, even when out with other friends, DP cannot let these calls drop. He will take the calls regardless of where we are or what we're doing, like they're the most important thing in the world. E.g at dinner with friends.

We all have a shared hobby that we sometimes do locally or sometimes travel for. There are venues all over the country. Friend is very rigid about which ones he wants to do, often travelling long distances. He complains DP doesn't go with him anymore , but won't be flexible to go to ones either nearer to home so DP isn't away all day, or to come to ones we are going to with other friends. I'm more than happy for DP to go alone and be out all day, all day, but DP prefers to get it done early and be back to have some of the day to do other things (with or without me).

Sometimes it feels like friend is a jealous "wife" who then finds fault with everything DP tries to do to solve things.

DP says he's used to being at this man's beck and call because their different circumstances meant that for years he was the one with more time and it's a hard habit to break, but something feels off.

Or is it genuinely just everyone (including me) getting used to each other and the change.

Fwiw I like the man and we've got along fine on the odd occasion he has joined us.

OP posts:

Blottum · 28/07/2025 09:33

How long have you been with him?
how old are you all?

Original poster

Lollysoup · 28/07/2025 09:43

Blottum · 28/07/2025 09:33

How long have you been with him?
how old are you all?

DP and I are coming up for a year.

Late 40s. DP has known him 30 years.

I should have said there's nothing particularly private or secretive about these calls. I'm usually in the room while he takes them. They'll be about sport, the hobby, politics or the antics of mutual friends. Plus some complaining about how DP doesn't do so many of these trips and more.

Examples of friend being "difficult" are last weekend we went to one near where friend loves, he wants to do something different and went to the other end of the country. This weekend we travelled to one he's generally a fan of, and he did one near where we live.

DP has offered several times to go out to lunch near where friend works, which is a hour's journey each way for DP. Friend "needs" to use that time for the gym, every day.

OP posts:

Blottum · 28/07/2025 09:49

They’ve been friends for… many years? Decades?

leave them to it op

Original poster

Lollysoup · 28/07/2025 09:57

Oh I do, but something feels "off" with the priority DP gives it (and sometimes it is downright rude, depending on the circumstances when he takes the calls).

OP posts:

Notmyluck · 28/07/2025 10:00

It's unusual especially given the man has a family. I don't know how he has time for daily calls. It's a bit much but no idea how to mention it without sounding offensive.

DiscoBob · 28/07/2025 10:01

I would tell your partner this guy seems ridiculously clingy and needy.

Who needs actual calls three plus times a day with their friend in their late 40s, when they've a wife and kids? And the fact he's so awkward about everything.

I think you should say you'll be giving this fella a wide berth and he really should try and stop this unhealthy dependency.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 28/07/2025 10:08

It all sounds a bit enmeshed and unhealthy. Talking a lot is one thing, but dropping what you’re doing to answer every single call, even at the expense of your partner or family, is way too much.

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2025 10:10

It’s extremely rude of your dp to take calls during dinner when you’re out. Why is he trying so hard to please this friend? It’s a poor dynamic.

Endofyear · 28/07/2025 10:13

Of course it's a good thing to maintain friendships but it sounds like your partner has been a bit too accommodating in the past and now his friends has expectations which your partner no longer wants to fulfill. Your partner needs to have a frank conversation with him and make it clear that his priorities have changed. The constant phone calls are ridiculous - I have very close friends but we all have busy lives and wouldn't call each other that often.

Original poster

Lollysoup · 28/07/2025 10:14

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2025 10:10

It’s extremely rude of your dp to take calls during dinner when you’re out. Why is he trying so hard to please this friend? It’s a poor dynamic.

Well exactly, this the reason for my unease. DP can't/won't explain it except to say yes his friend is odd, this is how it's always been and they've been "best" friends for a long time

OP posts:

senua · 28/07/2025 10:17

What does Friend's wife make of all this? Can you recruit her to help you refocus Friend on his family rather than your DP.

DoneitagainhaventI · 28/07/2025 10:19

At the bare minimum your DP should stop taking calls from his friend when you are out with friends or doing stuff together.
It's realky rude and dismissive of other people to prioritise a phonecall over people you are actually in the company of, unless it's a real emergency.

If your DP is serious about your relationship at all then he must take steps to alter the dynamics of his friendship. Otherwise I don't see why you should be expected to put up with the friendship continually intruding and impacting on your time with your partner.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 28/07/2025 10:23

senua · 28/07/2025 10:17

What does Friend's wife make of all this? Can you recruit her to help you refocus Friend on his family rather than your DP.

This. Have you asked friend's wife what she thinks of this? Presumably she's been putting up with it during her entire marriage - but she might be able to give you the other side of it. Friend seems very rigid in his behaviour, perhaps this is behind it - he rings your DP three times a day, so he MUST ring your DP three times a day, because he always has done. He may have a form of OCD or similar. But why not ask his wife?

Gcsunnyside23 · 28/07/2025 10:28

Lollysoup · 28/07/2025 10:14

Well exactly, this the reason for my unease. DP can't/won't explain it except to say yes his friend is odd, this is how it's always been and they've been "best" friends for a long time

Show quote history

But what has he said when you've asked him to stop taking calls when it's not a good time and being rude? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to drop that or at least answer, tell friend it's not a good time and hang up. His friend may be odd but he has to get used to the changes

Velmy · 28/07/2025 10:41

The friend sounds pathetic and your DP needs to grow some backbone.

Neverthesame · 28/07/2025 10:45

It’s definitely a bit much and not the norm between adult male mates. Your dp needs to back off a bit and say, Can’t take your call right now sorry as I am out. That’s what everybody does!

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2025 10:55

Lollysoup · 28/07/2025 10:14

Well exactly, this the reason for my unease. DP can't/won't explain it except to say yes his friend is odd, this is how it's always been and they've been "best" friends for a long time

Show quote history

Could you start by asking him not to answer the phone if you're doing something? That just blows my mind at how rude your dp is being.

Original poster

Lollysoup · 28/07/2025 11:19

Yes, he's agreed not to answer the phone when we're "busy". I've accepted that if we spend all weekend together there will be times when he does have some contact with the outside world 🤣

My concern is why they have this dynamic.

OP posts:

ThatsCute · 28/07/2025 11:26

Lollysoup · 28/07/2025 11:19

Yes, he's agreed not to answer the phone when we're "busy". I've accepted that if we spend all weekend together there will be times when he does have some contact with the outside world 🤣

My concern is why they have this dynamic.

Yes, definitely a weird co-dependent enmeshment going on here.

Unabletohelp · 28/07/2025 11:45

I think the friend is used to having your DP at his beck & call & is refusing to adapt to the change in your DP being now in a relationship with you (even though friend has a wife & DC of his own). I think his refusal to join you both at this shared hobby & choosing to attend venues at the opposite end of the country rather than close to his home town with you both, is him showing you he’s refusing to welcome you into his & your DP’s dynamic. He’s rigid, rude & unfortunately resistant to changing. I think you’re right to feel weird about it. Then there’s your DP, who at least is wanting to allocate less time to him & these hobbies, but not following through when it comes to his availability for this friend, still taking calls any & every time, regardless of what he’s doing -with you. This needs addressing. You sound entirely reasonable in how much time you expect t to have with your DP & want him to have his own time with friends & doing hobbies. But I don’t think it’s reasonable of your DP to say that’s how it’s always been with his friend & so it’s never going to change. It’s rude to take calls when eating or doing other activities. Just because it’s always been does t make it right. I can get that you don’t want to criticise this too much though as you don’t want to come across as though you want to put a stop to the friendship, or that you’re the jealous one! I think his friend is sabotaging any efforts at joint time spent with your DP. I think he is possessive & controlling. Unfortunately your DP is kind of co-dependent or a bit enmeshed in the friend dynamic. How you negotiate it will require change on both their parts. Are they willing to do so? I think a Frank chat with your DP about how immature his friend is acting when he doesn’t get your DP to himself, undivided, by going to events at polar opposite locations, would be a good starting point. It sounds like this friend can’t have a great relationship with his own DW inasmuch as he doesn’t prioritise her & is using your DP to compensate. Or that he’s a checked out dad that leaves her to carry the load, raise the DC & he gets to focus on hobbies & non stop calls to your DP. He sounds like he hasn’t really grown up & uses the 30yr history as justification to keep getting his needs met. Is it anything more than friendship is the subtext I’m reading into your query. I don’t know. It’s possible on the part of the friend. But more the reasons above imo. But always trust your gut.

SpryCat · 28/07/2025 12:00

It sounds like his friend is punishing your DP, moaning and deliberately going to different venues to the ones that you both go to. Your DP is free to go with his friend but has different priorities now, he’s pacifying his friend because he doesn’t want to be the one who ends the friendship, as he has done nothing wrong.

Original poster

Lollysoup · 28/07/2025 12:10

Yes, I get he might not want to meet up with us both or with other friends for various reasons, but he's also throwing spanners in the works of anything DP suggests so they can meet alone.

OP posts:

Cheesypasta · 28/07/2025 12:12

SpryCat · 28/07/2025 12:00

Edited

Time for a discussion about how many trips are appropriate and where to, so your DP can then say 'right, this year I'll do two longer trips and three local ones. So I can do A and B but not C and D' and work out out holistically with his friend, but without it messing up all your plans.

pikkumyy77 · 28/07/2025 12:20

Lollysoup · 28/07/2025 09:57

Oh I do, but something feels "off" with the priority DP gives it (and sometimes it is downright rude, depending on the circumstances when he takes the calls).

Its off because the friend is dominant and considers himself primary while you want to be in a healthy, romantic, couple in which your relationship is primary. That’s normal. You may not be able to break up this little folie a deux. Your dp has to have the strength to deny his old friend ownership, and he may not be able to . At 40 I wouldn’t piss around. The texting is neither here nor there. But I would be blunt that this old friend is incredibly demanding and childishly needy and its starting to eat away at your couple time. He isn’t a pet your bf is responsible for walking daily. He is a friend and former playmate who has been demoted in priority but doesn’t accept that.

ThatsCute · 28/07/2025 12:23

Have you seen the friend with his DW much? What is their dynamic? Is he controlling/needs to be top priority with her? Is she expected to drop everything to meet his needs?

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