What is going on with DP and his friend?

[Lollysoup]

DP has friendships from way back, which are important to him and which he devotes quite a lot of energy into maintaining. This, I think, is a good thing?

His best friend is clearly feeling neglected since we got together. Best friend is a married man with DC and a busy job. DP had been single for a long time before we met, so their normal had been that DP was available when friend could fit him in. Everyone was happy with that.

I am firmly of the view that this friend is, and should continue to be important to DP, but they speak (as in actual conversations, not text) around 3 times a day. And that's when I'm with DP, it could be more when I'm not. When we're together, even when out with other friends, DP cannot let these calls drop. He will take the calls regardless of where we are or what we're doing, like they're the most important thing in the world. E.g at dinner with friends.

We all have a shared hobby that we sometimes do locally or sometimes travel for. There are venues all over the country. Friend is very rigid about which ones he wants to do, often travelling long distances. He complains DP doesn't go with him anymore , but won't be flexible to go to ones either nearer to home so DP isn't away all day, or to come to ones we are going to with other friends. I'm more than happy for DP to go alone and be out all day, all day, but DP prefers to get it done early and be back to have some of the day to do other things (with or without me).

Sometimes it feels like friend is a jealous "wife" who then finds fault with everything DP tries to do to solve things.

DP says he's used to being at this man's beck and call because their different circumstances meant that for years he was the one with more time and it's a hard habit to break, but something feels off.

Or is it genuinely just everyone (including me) getting used to each other and the change.

Fwiw I like the man and we've got along fine on the odd occasion he has joined us.

Are they in a relationship?

I haven't seen them together. DP is of the view that she's controlling and her mother is horrible to friend, and certainly some of the conversations he's relayed do sound that way.

Interestingly when I first met friend (well before DP and I were an item) within a few minutes of meeting, he was telling me about how he hadn't been very successful with women until he met DW in his 30s and how lucky he was to have her and DD.

I don't know. It has occurred to me. If it is something like that underlying things, I don't think it's actually "happened". When they've been away together over the years, friend insists on his own room, which frustrates DP because he'd prefer to share the cost.

Are they hiding in plain sight?

You are tiptoeing around it Op

but basically you suspect your DP and his BFF are getting it on

irrespective of whether they are or are not…. Your relationship with him is surely dead in the water

I think the friend's marriage isn't all he pretends and he's deliberately trying to muscle in on your relationship.

Tbh any dp who spoke to a friend 3 or more times a day wouldnt be my dp for long.
And if it was his dm your dp would be getting flamed on here for answering his phone to her so much.

If there isn’t some secret relationship going on then it sounds like the friend is very put out about the fact that his emotional crutch AKA you partner, isn’t available 24/7 anymore and he’s making him suffer for it. Very immature!

Assuming he is actually a good friend to your partner, and not a controlling AH, maybe he needs some help/therapy to deal with whatever the underlying reason for his issues are.

Seems to me that this friendship is a bit lop-sided.

Friend appears to enjoy having a sidekick at his beck and call who tags along with him all the time, and until now, your DP has enjoyed being that sidekick.

Friend is is used to the game being played according to his rules and is now dischuffed that the goalposts have been moved. So he's being difficult and manipulative in a way that in children would get him called a spoilt brat.

You have a gut instinct which needs listening to. It’s strange that he should tell you they don’t share a room when they are away. It’s almost like he is anticipating your suspicions and trying to lay a false trail and, of course, they can still have a physical relationship if they are not sharing a room. Do they go away often.
It sounds a deeply unhealthy relationship and I wouldn’t be happy to play second fiddle to it, physical relationship or no physical relationship. You DP is behaving in a subservient and obligatory manner to somebody who is punishing him for something (hooking up with you?). What is your sex life like? Tread carefully, OP. Listen to what he does, not what he says.

They are totally having a gay affair by the sounds of this, trust your instincts OP.

Friend is unhappy in his relationship and talks to your dp as a way to distract him self . He’s use to dp having flexibility being single and doesn’t want things to change.
my friend was in a unhappy marriage she would get in from work around 5 sort tea and her dh would get in at 6. She would ring me for up to two hours a night, I discovered she would slso ring her mum, sister and another friend after me! All to avoid talking with her husband

Fuck. What a truly messed up dynamic.