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Original poster

To go home or stay put? Teenagers!

36 replies

Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 10:47

I have a dilemma.

We have lived in the country for 15 years, raised our children in the village and have a lovely set of friends here. It is quiet, but enjoyable with a good quality of life. I always thought we would stay.

Dh and my family come from SE. We still have friends there, although not as many as here. One of my parents is now really unwell.
DC1 is now in third year of uni and says she ‘hates’ coming home, it is soulless and boring, and she has no chance of finding a job. She is actively grumpy and miserable.

DC2 is finishing her A levels this year, she has a wide circle of friends and is settled here. She will be going to uni in September.

Dh would have more job opportunities if we lived closer to the city. He works remotely 3 days a week.

Is it best to move next year to a location closer to London? That way I can offer support to family members, offer dc a home with a reasonable commute and I guess there is longevity in that choice.

It would mean giving up a lovely set of friends I have here, that have been so good to me. I do have friends in home town, but I feel like I have ‘grown up’ with the friends here. There is a possibility of buying two very small houses in each place, but I am not sure if that’s a good idea. We would have one maybe as a weekend home for dh and I. They would be very modest. Or do we just buy a larger family house in our home town or stay here?

If you have experiences of young adults and their needs, what to expect from this next stage I would be really grateful!

OP posts:
Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 27/07/2025 10:50

It's a privilege to be able to have a say in where you think your parents should live when you are post 20 years old!

Octavia64 · 27/07/2025 10:51

Your DC will almost certainly not want to live with you anyway.

we lived in a village while my kids were teens. They hated it then and I did a lot of driving. They still whinge about how boring it is/was.

one kid now lives in central London the other in Newcastle. Late teens early twenties young adults want people their own age and the buzz of big cities.

i now live in a small town. It is also boring, apparently, as is the bigger city that I’m close to.

IZK · 27/07/2025 10:55

Your kids won't be with you for much longer so at this stage, I really wouldn't factor them into your decision.

But I wouldn't factor your friends in too much either as there's no guarantee they won't move.

I'd think about your husband's work opportunities and let that be the basis of any decision making.

Meanwhile no matter where you live, if your kids ever need a roof over their heads they'll know they have one with you and if they choose to live there, that's their own decision and not one they should be moaning about.

SugarMarshmallow · 27/07/2025 10:57

I think you’re be mad to consider moving for your adult children who could possibly move out and have their own lives soon.

SugarMarshmallow · 27/07/2025 10:58

Also your DC1 is immature for their age if they describe their home time as boring, soulless and are grumpy when they come home. It’s just to come and see their parents whilst they are on a break at uni.

mamagogo1 · 27/07/2025 10:59

i moved once dc were at university, one came with me, one went to her dads, you need to be able to make choices for you!

titchy · 27/07/2025 11:03

Why on earth is your dc1 assuming they’ll have to come back at the end of uni? Surely they’ll move to wherever their job is?

Does your dh actively want more work opportunities? Why now, when he’s presumably been happy with his current position?

The elderly parent things is understandably difficult, but again, moving seems like a sledgehammer response to what is realistically likely to be a fairly short term situation.

Mauro711 · 27/07/2025 11:22

I would not base a decision on where to live on what my adult children think is fun. If you and DH are happy where you are, why would you move? In a few years your kids might appreciate coming to the country to visit anyway. My parents live in the country and I left home as a teenager to live in the big city, have since moved around and always lived in big cities, but I still do appreciate coming home to where I grew up for a few weeks per year. It's nice to get to experience both.

moose62 · 27/07/2025 11:22

Don't move for anyone apart from yourself children grow up and leave, as they should.
Unfortunately ill parents pass on. In a few years it will just be you and DH ...that is when your happiness matters most. You have good friends - visiting on a weekend will not be the same. Stay put...unless moving is what you want to do for yourself.

Original poster
Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 11:27

thank you for your replies.

To explain both sides of our family have been able to offer a family home to their dc as they started their carers, and they have saved a fortune. Some of them have been able to get on the property ladder.

My dc may never have that chance unless we support them.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 27/07/2025 11:32

Is the move being driven by dd1? What's dd2s thoughts?

Twoshoesnewshoes · 27/07/2025 11:39

Hi OP
similar dilemmas here, we will ultimately move to a small town from a village but we’re considering bringing it forwards a couple of years for DS2
he will finish uni next year and will need to live at home to get a job and save money- but it’s hard to find work here.
my DD is only just moving in to her own flat after moving back in with us for two years to save towards a deposit.
i wonder if those posters on here saying that your DD should get a job and live where the job is have young adults? It’s really hard for them.
personally I would move in your situation.
for me, I will look for somewhere with the things I love from rural life, so quiet area, open view, hopefully a garden backing woodland etc.

Mauro711 · 27/07/2025 11:42

Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 11:27

thank you for your replies.

To explain both sides of our family have been able to offer a family home to their dc as they started their carers, and they have saved a fortune. Some of them have been able to get on the property ladder.

My dc may never have that chance unless we support them.

Edited

Still, don't move in order to do this. It's good for adults to be independent and they may well be able to buy a place at some point regardless. I know things are a bit tougher now than it was years ago, but none of my friends returned home to live with parents post uni and we all managed to save and buy a place eventually, but none of us went from living at home to buying straight away.

We have an expression in Scandinavia where we say we are curling our children too much. Ie, we sweep the ice before them so that they will experence a minimum amount of obstacles and discomfort in their lives. It's not good. It hinders resilience development and drive.

reluctantbrit · 27/07/2025 12:01

My DD will be off to uni and I don't expect her to move back home permanently. And I actually think she would have more options here but it's not the right place to live for her.

Unless you and your DH want to change jobs then I personally would stay put. Let your children find their way. How would you know that if you move they would automatically find a job there?

Parents - our parents each live a day journey away from us, it's not easy but we can't move towards them (they don't even live in the same area). We travel more often now but luckily they realised that they have to make provisions themselves and we are there for anything else.

herbalteabag · 27/07/2025 12:14

Do what is right for you and DH as your children may not come back from uni. Even if you move back to the city they may not choose to live anywhere nearby. I think it's natural they find the country boring, but I live in a small, nice city and even though my son has many friends here, he rarely visits. He graduated 2 years ago but even before that, during the last two years of his 4 year course he didn't even come home for most of the holidays, just a few days here and there. It's nice to have spare rooms though, as you'll probably appreciate them at Christmas etc for quite a long time to come.

Snorlaxo · 27/07/2025 12:17

What kind of work is dd1 looking for? Being “near London” is going to have her moaning too if she’s aiming for a 60 hour a week job in Central London. I would not factor in her moaning too much - she could move in with a friend or partner after uni and live somewhere else in the country for all you know.

I wouldn’t factor in the friends much either. They could also move because of life stuff like poorly parents.

Dh having better job opportunities is obviously a good reason to move (what about your job?)

What’s dd2’s thoughts?

I can’t comment on the country vs city debate as I live in the suburbs of a city but my dd at uni moans that it’s boring here too but housing budget means that where I live is the perfect balance of good house, schools and amenities which is what I want. She has a driving license and car (which she enjoys driving) so from my pov, the world is her oyster.

Original poster
Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 12:19

Twoshoesnewshoes · 27/07/2025 11:39

Hi OP
similar dilemmas here, we will ultimately move to a small town from a village but we’re considering bringing it forwards a couple of years for DS2
he will finish uni next year and will need to live at home to get a job and save money- but it’s hard to find work here.
my DD is only just moving in to her own flat after moving back in with us for two years to save towards a deposit.
i wonder if those posters on here saying that your DD should get a job and live where the job is have young adults? It’s really hard for them.
personally I would move in your situation.
for me, I will look for somewhere with the things I love from rural life, so quiet area, open view, hopefully a garden backing woodland etc.

Exactly! Thank you. The young stand no chance. The cost of renting and the general cost of living is absolutely sky high. I am not so much as parting the seas as just trying to give them a fighting chance.

My experience of adult children living at home for a decade or more after university is being replicated everywhere I look, and now not unusual. I see some very real difficulties that are only growing.

I would expect dc to make their own decisions and choices, to work hard and contribute but not perform miracles and afford a nice flat in central London in a safe area from the beginning.

DC2 also expects to do the same post uni. I also like my home town and might be relieved to be closer to restaurants and culture as I age. I am worried about growing old rurally.

OP posts:
Eastendboysandwestendgirls · 27/07/2025 12:22

I grew up in a village and could not wait to escape it for a city when I went to uni. I never went home for any length of time after that, village life was not for me and I hated it. It would not have crossed my mind to expect my parents to move somewhere that made me happy. I hated growing up in the village but it was their choice. Obviously it was very expensive striking out alone and now is much more so, but moving back to the arse end of nowhere, with no jobs, poor transport links, no life etc was not an option either, so I totally get where your DC is coming from.

Original poster
Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 12:30

Eastendboysandwestendgirls · 27/07/2025 12:22

I grew up in a village and could not wait to escape it for a city when I went to uni. I never went home for any length of time after that, village life was not for me and I hated it. It would not have crossed my mind to expect my parents to move somewhere that made me happy. I hated growing up in the village but it was their choice. Obviously it was very expensive striking out alone and now is much more so, but moving back to the arse end of nowhere, with no jobs, poor transport links, no life etc was not an option either, so I totally get where your DC is coming from.

They have never expected us to do anything for them, but it is sad to see my dc so lonely and miserable

OP posts:
titchy · 27/07/2025 14:18

Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 12:19

Exactly! Thank you. The young stand no chance. The cost of renting and the general cost of living is absolutely sky high. I am not so much as parting the seas as just trying to give them a fighting chance.

My experience of adult children living at home for a decade or more after university is being replicated everywhere I look, and now not unusual. I see some very real difficulties that are only growing.

I would expect dc to make their own decisions and choices, to work hard and contribute but not perform miracles and afford a nice flat in central London in a safe area from the beginning.

DC2 also expects to do the same post uni. I also like my home town and might be relieved to be closer to restaurants and culture as I age. I am worried about growing old rurally.

Show quote history

You expect them to live with you for a decade as adults?!!!! Wow…. Very very few people I know did that. For what it’s worth, mine are both in London based grad jobs - one is house sharing, the other has spent the last year with us but moving into a house share shortly. Neither has much in savings and don’t expect, or want to buy soon.

Id anticipate us downsizing in 5-10 years and releasing equity to give to them as a deposit. Wouldn’t that be more realistic and sensible, upping sticks to pander to adult grads who you anticipate living with you till early 30s does seem incredibly infantilising.

titchy · 27/07/2025 14:22

Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 12:30

They have never expected us to do anything for them, but it is sad to see my dc so lonely and miserable

Show quote history

Why is your answer to be responsible for alleviating their sadness by relocating? Surely they are responsible for their feelings - which would be alleviated by them house sharing in a location where they will be able to find work.

MounjaroMounjaro · 27/07/2025 14:27

I'd move to the SE, OP. I wouldn't buy two small places as I think you'll have all four of you living in a small place in the SE for most of the week. I'd use my daughter-at-uni's room as a spare room and encourage my country friends to visit as often as possible.

Original poster
Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 14:42

titchy · 27/07/2025 14:18

You expect them to live with you for a decade as adults?!!!! Wow…. Very very few people I know did that. For what it’s worth, mine are both in London based grad jobs - one is house sharing, the other has spent the last year with us but moving into a house share shortly. Neither has much in savings and don’t expect, or want to buy soon.

Id anticipate us downsizing in 5-10 years and releasing equity to give to them as a deposit. Wouldn’t that be more realistic and sensible, upping sticks to pander to adult grads who you anticipate living with you till early 30s does seem incredibly infantilising.

Show quote history

So you already have a house within commuting distance, so your dc always had you there! Very different prospect to being based 5 hours away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 14:44

titchy · 27/07/2025 14:22

Why is your answer to be responsible for alleviating their sadness by relocating? Surely they are responsible for their feelings - which would be alleviated by them house sharing in a location where they will be able to find work.

Show quote history

I am not responsible, I just notice that dc looks subdued. I obv care about their feelings and I’m not sure I can grow old here. There is no bus service, rural GP is 20 min away. Local hospital is 50 min now as the closer one was turned in office hours minor injuries. If dc are not here then it feels limited. I am worried for our future.

OP posts:
willowpatternchina · 27/07/2025 15:00

Sounds like you'd prefer to move. Why not suggest that DH start job hunting and see what comes up? If he gets an attractive offer then you could look to buy somewhere in your home town and move. You could stay in touch with old friends by making regular visits to a nice Airbnb in the village.