Stopping the pursuit of thinness

[hellowembley]

I wasn’t sure whether to post this in eating disorders as I haven’t got one in the sense that I have never been over or under weight, just pinging up and down about 1.5 stone within my healthy weight range (so maybe size 8-12). But i think that’s just been sheer luck because I have sometimes been seriously and compulsively binging (especially recently) and other times really over restricting.

I am now reckoning with myself to find peace and would love comments from people who may have been through similar and then broken through to the other side. For a bit of context, I have been absolutely obsessed with being thin since I was about 14 years old and had a thin and attractive best friend who i was unfavourably compared to. I was a bit chubby as a teen with big boobs which made me feel massive. I slimmed down in late teens but i think the psychological damage was done and i started ridiculous diets from time to time from my early 20s to get ‘properly thin’ but started getting really messed up with food after having my kids, putting on loads of weight in pregnancy then trying to crash diet it off. I’m now in my 40s and miserable because eating and my weight seem to totally preoccupy me and I find it limiting and shameful. The diets aren’t working now because I can’t for the life of me stick to them and every day is a fight with myself. I am constantly overeating then ‘starting again’ (like many others, i know).

I have made a decision now: I am going to stop dieting and I will accept my body where it ends up. This stupid obsession is ruining me, making me a miserable bore (although I never talk about this with anyone). Diets lead to binges. Binges lead to diets. The last few years have been a mess for me mentally . I am not happy anymore and i think some of that can be attributed to messed up hormones ( likely through binge eating and restricting) and feeling i am failing at my life goal of thinness. So that’s got to go as a goal to be replaced by being happy and at peace. And i don’t accept anymore that I can only be happy if I am thin. If eating normally means i can’t be a size 8 (thin) or even 10 (slim) (by my own likely warped standards ) i am ready to accept that in exchange for the peace of mind it will hopefully bring and knock on positive effect on my work and relationships. I honestly think my being more relaxed and happier will be better for my family and my career than being attractive is. I haven’t been able to convince myself of that until now. I am trying to fully accept I may not be the skinny ideal i have always idolised and that’s not a moral failing and it doesn’t mean i am repulsive.

if you have been through this struggle and somehow normalised now, does this set of guidelines for eating sound ok to you and likely to improve my relationship with food? or is it too lax / too strict/ rigid? Any other advice?

-Eating meals at a table, ideally with others and not on my phone or watching tv and eating them slowly
-Three meals a day, with dessert if i want it. I dont think two sugary desserts a day would be normal and stuff like fruit and greek yoghurt will generally make me feel better but if there’s something sugary on offer i genuinely want, that’s fine
-Think carefully about what i genuinely want to eat before deciding. Go with my instinct rather than trying to pick the lowest calorie thing
-Only have a snack between meals or second helping if genuinely hungry (check in with self) not to try and make relaxing more relaxing or mask bad feelings (self soothe)
-Choosing generally healthy snacks and meals almost all of the time , not too processed, but to a normal not obsessive degree. For example, it’s ok to eat pasta, bread etc. That’s normal food. And not making life difficult over it. Like it’s ok to eat what’s available when i am not at home or have an oven pizza or takeaway if i am too busy or too tired- it doesn’t happen that often and if it starts too, i need to adjust my lifestyle not my eating
-Typically having fun foods in social situations where everyone is enjoying it like an icecream at the beach, a sweet dessert in a restaurant, popcorn at the cinema, cake at a birthday party
-Only clearing my plate if i am not feeling stuffed

thank you

Eating disorders are not just about weight or size.

Rid your house of any scales if you have them.

Don't count calories.

Be comfortable in your own skin and clothes, for you, & not for the sake of others.

Enjoy nutritious meals.

Eat unhealthily, but "try" and also balance this out by eating healthily.

Throw away that big stick that you use to bash yourself with.

The you that is comfortable with you regardless of shape or size will always be the most attractive you.

Always wear sunscreen! 🎶

You are already making rules for yourself though, which feels counterintuitive to what you wish to achieve, ie a normal relationship with food. I really empathise as I am a similar age and grew up with all that Kate Moss shit. I don’t know what the answer is but I read the first part of your post nodding and the second part shaking my head.

That’s a good point. Genuine question- do people with a normal relationship with food not have any guidelines in place for themselves? Conscious or unconscious? Just genuinely trusting their appetites?

I don't know. I am slim, have pretty much always been. I never binge nor restrict. I never miss a meal and I do snack.

But I eat very little processed food, don't have any carbs before lunch, limit myself to one sugary thing a day. I drink little alcohol, no fizzy drinks, no milk in hot drinks and I weigh myself every morning. I run twice a week (not very far and not very fast).

So I guess those are my rules. I'm 55 and I think they work fine for me.

I’ve had a minor binge eating disorder for 30 years so I’m not a great person to ask 😂 there have been odd days where I have been too busy or preoccupied to think much about food (such as running an event at work or travelling to a holiday destination) and I imagine that’s what a normal relationship with food must feel like, it’s just incidental and you eat when you have time and feel hungry, then stop when you don’t and that’s that 🤷🏻‍♀️

maybe look at some intuitive eating advice/blogs etc - I’ve always been too scared to try it in case I just can’t stop eating, but you sound like you might be fed up enough of this toxic diet culture shit to try some new things!

You never restrict yet “limit” yourself to one sweet thing a day. Seems contradictory to me.

I think I have a normal relationship with food😃
I've never bought scales and apart from a couple of landmark memories of weight have no idea what I weigh/ weighed. I know I was under 8 stone 30 years ago when I got married, nearly 10 when pregnant and over the years at the GP I've been about 55kg (which I've just looked up- just over 8.5 stone)
I certainly don't have guidelines. I have patterns though. And I like food and cooking so I'm more likely to reach from something tasty and wholesome that anything UPF- it's what's in.
I don't eat breakfast- I'm not hungry. It's not a rule and I often break it though- I was cooking for others this morning and had half a glass of smoothie and some tortilla.
Rushing through work this morning I felt hungry and remembered I had half a bar of posh chocolate in my drawer. Worked though lunch to get home early and I've just had three slices of sourdough with butter and marmite/ blackcurrant jam.
I'll eat late- DS not back til 8/9 and I'll have halloumi, marinated chicken and couscous and salad.
The only diety thing I do is to drink diet drinks- my teeth aren't great, I hate the fuzzy feeling from sugar on my teeth.

Thank you, all these responses are helpful. I am reading about intuitive eating (trying not to get all evangelical about it and ‘one true way’ as I do with every other diet/ ‘anti diet’ ). I do find it confusing as my intuition leads me to eat really a lot…. Maybe that will fix itself over time? Or maybe the intuition comes within guidelines? As in you still having an eating pattern of eating at mealtimes only but within those meal times you choosing instinctively rather than according to rules. Or is it a free for all and to heal you relationship with food you eat whatever is available whenever you have a thought of food or urge? Ie no restriction whatsoever ?

You’re coming from it from such an engrained “diety” mind frame. The idea of “healing a relationship with food” blows my mind. Food literally gives us life. It’s like love or oxygen!
I do wonder whether I’m thin and enjoy food rather than having a constantly negative ear worm about it is because I don’t have breakfast and so effectively do intermittent fasting. Is that something you could try?

Read the book how to have your cake and eat it too by Josie Spinardi.

I highly recommend reading:
You Are Not A Before Picture by Alex Light
and
Just Eat It by Laura Thomas

You are just making more rules and if you don't follow them you'll feel like a failure again.

I would recommend getting therapy with someone experienced in eating disorders.

For me: really focus on health and strength and not size / thin-ness. I also had a scare with my cholesterol which made me focus on my diet and it was really freeing to be thinking about what I was eating in a way that disregarded the impact it had on my waistline but instead on my cholesterol levels. I do not have scales in my house any more. I do get my bloods done every 6 months or so, and I wear a tracker and I keep an eye on my heart rate. I feel those are better metrics to keep an eye on my health without obsessing over "thin-ness". I am a size 12, have previously been up to an 18 and down to a 10. I try to think about nutrition: really feeding my body what it needs and listening to my hunger. I have had a few days of eating really thoughtfully to compensate for a week of eating more carbs than anything else while on holiday recently; and then tonight I had crisps after dinner because I really wanted them. I do not feel bad about it. It's been a really long journey, though, and it's really hard in our current culture. Good luck, OP. Also -- exercise regulates my appetite, so i try to run or get a walk in every day.

Thanks all useful suggestions. Definitely on the running- I enjoy that. I am
embarking on a day with no restrictions at all and will see how it goes!

Intuitive appetite is good but please read Ultra-processed People and it explains how our appetites have been 'hacked' by food manufacturers. You need to get off the UPF and allow your appetite to return to normal without the cravings.

I've been thin forever and I've never set restrictions on the food I eat and never dieted. However I've been vegetarian and virtually UPF free since I was 20, so for two decades now. I don't drink alcohol and never drink sugary drinks, cola etc. I have a few squares of 75-80% dark chocolate each day. I drink caffeine rarely. These aren't rules I follow, they're just what I do. I also eat three square meals a day and I follow my appetite. I've already had two breakfasts this morning! UPF free is the way forward, I'm entirely convinced of it from experience.

I think even the "healthiest" people have rules? I dont diet, never have, don't own scales. Weight stays relatively constant.
But I dont eat what I consider to be junk and try not to snack too much.
Maybe re-frame them as standards rather than rules?

One thing I've gathered about disordered eating, be that anorexia, binge eating or excess eating is the preoccupation with food. That might be dietts, withholding, over-eating etc. Healthy eaters are much less food-focused IME.

I enjoy food and think about meals but not much apart from that. Having a predictable eating pattern might overcome this a bit, I'm guessing.

The concept of listening to your body seems really alien to people with BED (which I have) as they think they’ll just want to eat aaallllllll the junk food. But actually if you dial into your body’s innate intuition, you’ll find you rarely actually want the crap.

the trick to this is going UPF free for a while beforehand, maybe a week, to get the crap out of your system if I’m honest. But that’s not to say you can’t eat cake if you want it. Just make it yourself so it isn’t full of chemicals.

have healthy meals you genuinely enjoy on hand. For example I have been eating egg on toast for breakfast for about 10 years and rarely have anything different. It’s just my go to. It doesn’t require willpower to have it. I like it, it’s healthy, it has protein, it keeps my blood sugars balanced (if I start the day with high sugar and nothing to balance it out like protein then I can’t control my sugars all day long).

I have several lunches I like, I’m a creature of habit and like the convenience of having much the same thing every day. So either a jacket potato with beans and coleslaw / cheese and broccoli / tuna and salad or pasta with tuna, pasta with chorizo, cheese and broccoli, that’s pretty much it. I don’t like sandwiches and only have them if I’m taking a packed lunch out (I work from home which makes all this cooking easier!)

dinner I have staple meals again much like everyone else. Bolognese, chilli, fajitas etc.

if I’m eating these 3, good, balanced meals then my body is happy, I don’t feel unwell, no headaches, bloating, blood sugars a mess etc. sometimes I like some dark chocolate after a meal, I’ll have cake at a birthday party or a cookie when I’m out with friends at a coffee shop, an ice cream at the beach. That’s normal to me. But I listen to what my body is asking for at all times.

I'm 41 and have never dieted in my life.

I'm massively active (running, hiking, strength training, cross fit, cycling, dog walks) and mainly eat to fuel my body so that I have the energy to do what I enjoy.

I've always eaten "clean" - so, whole foods and lots of home cooking - in portion sizes that seem appropriate for my frame.

I'm a size 8 and HATE the word "skinny" to describe someone of my size. I'm not "skinny". I'm petite, but very strong and incredibly fit. I have a curvy hourglass shape and a chubby bum, which I love. I cant for the life of me imagine wanting to actually be "skinny", which to me means "scrawny", with bones showing. I like a strong but soft look, with curves. Most of the people I know are into fitness and the outdoors and "skinny" would mean "weak" and not something to be desired.

Hello op. I really hear you in your opening post. I too have gone up and down all my adult life and wgile I’ve never been morbidly obese or very skinny I’ve certainly had fat / slim cycles.

finally, in my 50s, something has clicked in my head and I have stopped worrying about being thin, and started to think about being healthy. It’s been a real mind shift for me. I’d love to tell you how / why (though it did coincide with upping my exercise a lot, ironically as part of a diet) and I really do feel I look at my body differently now and relate to food differently. I want to have a long, active, healthy retirement and that’s what’s motivating me now - not an obsession with being thin.

I think there's really good advice on this thread.

Think about standards and healthy habits, rather than rules

Don't eat crap

And I agree with some element of time restriction as well. I eat between 9am and 7pm (unless I'm out for dinner). I don't think about it, it's just what I do. And my weight stays stable

Time restriction for someone who already has disordered thinking is literally the worst advice. It’s just fuelling an obsession with food and rules and dives deeper into eating disorder territory for people are already struggling.
Op, I hear you and I understand. Please be careful with what you are reading from others though, especially those that don’t have any experience of feeling how you do.

I completely hear you, and understand how you feel. I’m not ready to make a similar change - I know if I eat “normallly” (ie: healthily but not restricting certain foods like carbs), I will end up overweight, and the thought of that genuinely terrifies me.

I hate being a bore about it though, and don’t want my kids to know how much I obsess about it, so I try to hide it from them and people around me. I’ve just had a few days at the seaside with the kids, and whilst away had fish and chips, pasta, and an ice cream at the beach, so that I could eat with them. But I feel horrifically guilty about it, don’t want to weigh myself because I know I’ll have gained a few pounds, and will be trying to restrict what I eat over the next few weeks to compensate.

I’m not underweight, and never have been, and I really struggle with hunger, so no risk of anorexia here. I just obsess over what and how much and when I eat, to what I know is an unhealthy degree. I hate how much space it takes up in my head. But I’d rather obsess about it than be fat.

I am a similar age OP. Grew up with two overweight parents and was a chubby kid, in my teens I dieted and became pretty slim. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I had an eating disorder, but I definitely restricted what I ate, a lot of the time.

I fluctuated a bit in my 20s - stayed on the slim side of things and got what I would call ‘thin’ for a year or two - combination of illness, bereavement, and a pre-wedding diet! Let rip with eating in my first pregnancy 😂 - put on a lot of weight but lost it all again, and did the same thing to a lesser extent for two more kids.

Somewhere I stopped caring about it all and now pretty much eat what I like (though I’ve never been someone who will eat junk food or packets of biscuits in one sitting or whatever!) I eat healthily and intuitively…I don’t weigh myself, but I think I’m about a stone heavier than I was at my thinnest…and it’s fine! My body is far from perfect but having now had friends who have battled serious illness or infertility (and died, sadly), I’m just so grateful to be here and healthy.

Looking back, I can’t really believe how much time I spent worrying about being thin. It’s such a waste of time…there’s way more to life than starving yourself and trying to stay 8 stone or whatever. Good luck, OP xx

OP , I think I have a normal-ish relationship with food and I would say that your ‘rules’ are generally my habits.

I think adjusting to healthy habits is different to being on a diet.

I was 3 stone overweight with unhealthy habits, and during the early scary days of Covid decided that what I could do to protect myself was keep health and lose weight.

I took the view that my body is mine to nurture and treat well so that it supports me in turn, and I am worth it!

I just upped my veg, kept portion sizes of carbs (and cheese) modest, stopped snacking on junk. All but by bit. And with an outlook of healthy, enjoyable eating.

And felt better and chuffed with myself as I felt better and fitter, let feeling better motivate me rather than beating myself up over fish and chips at the beach or cake with a friend.

I did lose 3 stone slowly but surely, but that was almost like a side effect. Mostly I felt happier just because I was enjoying my food, knowing it was a healthy diet, and doing myself the (deserved) favour of looking after myself.