I wasn’t sure whether to post this in eating disorders as I haven’t got one in the sense that I have never been over or under weight, just pinging up and down about 1.5 stone within my healthy weight range (so maybe size 8-12). But i think that’s just been sheer luck because I have sometimes been seriously and compulsively binging (especially recently) and other times really over restricting.
I am now reckoning with myself to find peace and would love comments from people who may have been through similar and then broken through to the other side. For a bit of context, I have been absolutely obsessed with being thin since I was about 14 years old and had a thin and attractive best friend who i was unfavourably compared to. I was a bit chubby as a teen with big boobs which made me feel massive. I slimmed down in late teens but i think the psychological damage was done and i started ridiculous diets from time to time from my early 20s to get ‘properly thin’ but started getting really messed up with food after having my kids, putting on loads of weight in pregnancy then trying to crash diet it off. I’m now in my 40s and miserable because eating and my weight seem to totally preoccupy me and I find it limiting and shameful. The diets aren’t working now because I can’t for the life of me stick to them and every day is a fight with myself. I am constantly overeating then ‘starting again’ (like many others, i know).
I have made a decision now: I am going to stop dieting and I will accept my body where it ends up. This stupid obsession is ruining me, making me a miserable bore (although I never talk about this with anyone). Diets lead to binges. Binges lead to diets. The last few years have been a mess for me mentally . I am not happy anymore and i think some of that can be attributed to messed up hormones ( likely through binge eating and restricting) and feeling i am failing at my life goal of thinness. So that’s got to go as a goal to be replaced by being happy and at peace. And i don’t accept anymore that I can only be happy if I am thin. If eating normally means i can’t be a size 8 (thin) or even 10 (slim) (by my own likely warped standards ) i am ready to accept that in exchange for the peace of mind it will hopefully bring and knock on positive effect on my work and relationships. I honestly think my being more relaxed and happier will be better for my family and my career than being attractive is. I haven’t been able to convince myself of that until now. I am trying to fully accept I may not be the skinny ideal i have always idolised and that’s not a moral failing and it doesn’t mean i am repulsive.
if you have been through this struggle and somehow normalised now, does this set of guidelines for eating sound ok to you and likely to improve my relationship with food? or is it too lax / too strict/ rigid? Any other advice?
-Eating meals at a table, ideally with others and not on my phone or watching tv and eating them slowly
-Three meals a day, with dessert if i want it. I dont think two sugary desserts a day would be normal and stuff like fruit and greek yoghurt will generally make me feel better but if there’s something sugary on offer i genuinely want, that’s fine
-Think carefully about what i genuinely want to eat before deciding. Go with my instinct rather than trying to pick the lowest calorie thing
-Only have a snack between meals or second helping if genuinely hungry (check in with self) not to try and make relaxing more relaxing or mask bad feelings (self soothe)
-Choosing generally healthy snacks and meals almost all of the time , not too processed, but to a normal not obsessive degree. For example, it’s ok to eat pasta, bread etc. That’s normal food. And not making life difficult over it. Like it’s ok to eat what’s available when i am not at home or have an oven pizza or takeaway if i am too busy or too tired- it doesn’t happen that often and if it starts too, i need to adjust my lifestyle not my eating
-Typically having fun foods in social situations where everyone is enjoying it like an icecream at the beach, a sweet dessert in a restaurant, popcorn at the cinema, cake at a birthday party
-Only clearing my plate if i am not feeling stuffed
thank you