Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Breathtakingly selfish 18 yo

51 replies

shizgigz · 23/07/2025 01:05

I am a single parent working 40 + hours pw and moving house in 2 days.

DD 17 has done nothing to help, not
even pack her own things, save for piles of clothes in her room.
Tomorrow she takes off for a festival and won’t be back til Sunday, tonight I got in from work at 9 to a shit tip of a kitchen, lights and tv on and a text telling me she’d gone out, no other details.

i am beyond exhausted but can’t sleep as I am so upset. The selfishness is staggering, she literally has ignored everything I’ve asked.

OP posts:
Gowlett · 23/07/2025 01:15

Teenage me was a bit like this… The night before I moved to Paris I stayed out until 3am, snogging the boy I fancied. Drank loads of vodka. Packed my bags the next morning. Rolled out of bed, into my dad’s car & vomited on the ferry.

Your daughter is not concerned with home-life. It’s not her world.

deckbelow · 23/07/2025 01:20

This can’t be out of the blue.. I mean, does she have form for such behaviour and if so what do you normally do about it?

But yeah that is shit..

Original poster
shizgigz · 23/07/2025 01:22

Maybe but pretty sure if I “accidentally” forgot to pack all her things up and left them by the skip she would soon become concerned with home life. Not like she hasn’t had loads of warning we were moving

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
GCAcademic · 23/07/2025 01:24

shizgigz · 23/07/2025 01:22

Maybe but pretty sure if I “accidentally” forgot to pack all her things up and left them by the skip she would soon become concerned with home life. Not like she hasn’t had loads of warning we were moving

You're moving in two days and the house needs to be emptied of its contents. If she's not packing it up, in the skip it goes.

ButteredRadish · 23/07/2025 01:28

Tell her she’s not going to the festival until she’s done her bit or she can find somewhere else to live!

Original poster
shizgigz · 23/07/2025 01:31

ButteredRadish · 23/07/2025 01:28

Tell her she’s not going to the festival until she’s done her bit or she can find somewhere else to live!

That won’t stop her going

OP posts:
Londonfoodie14 · 23/07/2025 01:51

Have you actually told her ‘your things need to be packed by x time/day?’

NuffSaidSam · 23/07/2025 01:52

I wouldn't pack her things for her.

Send her a message reminding her that they need to be packed and anything that isn't clear out.

It's so important that they learn from their own mistakes.

Original poster
shizgigz · 23/07/2025 01:57

I will give her til midday tomorrow and then it’s being thrown. Plenty of room in skip and it’s also bin day tomorrow.
still doesn’t excuse turning a blind eye to all the other jobs I could do with
help with

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 23/07/2025 02:27

still doesn’t excuse turning a blind eye to all the other jobs I could do with
help with

Tell her what chores she has to do each week to contribute, and what the consequences are if she doesn't do them. Don't pay her phone contract; switch the WiFi to a password she doesn't have access to; same with any TV subs; don't give her lifts. Don't do the things for her that an adult has to do for themselves such as her laundry or shopping for her, (if you do those things still.)

Billybagpuss · 23/07/2025 02:30

So when she gets back it’ll be to the new house?

yep be very clear you are not packing for her. Anything neatly in boxes and suitcases goes to the new house everything else goes to the skip

and don’t be unpacking for her at the other end either.

SecretChipmunk · 23/07/2025 04:31

Going against the grain here … I would have been quite upset to move at 17. It’s a difficult age. She may be in denial. I would help my kid pack. They probably don’t want to move, and festivals at this age are very important - they don’t see things in the same way adults do despite nearly being 18.

Wallywobbles · 23/07/2025 05:42

Breathtakingly stupidity too.

autienotnaughty · 23/07/2025 05:43

Sounds fairly normal teen. Did you task her anything? I found my teens never saw mess but if I asked them to do x job they would do it (not always in the time frame I envisioned ) They had set chores thet had to do for pocket money and phone.
In this instance I would have said in advance of time “room packed by x date, anything not done will be thrown out.

Tourmalines · 23/07/2025 06:03

The shit tip of the kitchen , lights on and tv on is totally thoughtless and irresponsible. She needs telling . This really should be instilled in them growing up . Being a teenager is no excuse . She is being disrespectful . Stop doing things for her .

ZenNudist · 23/07/2025 06:10

ButteredRadish · 23/07/2025 01:28

Tell her she’s not going to the festival until she’s done her bit or she can find somewhere else to live!

This. Tough love time.

MrBallenIsaFittie · 23/07/2025 06:11

My 18 year old son promised me his room was fully packed up, to he fair he had brought loads of boxes downstairs. On the morning of moving day I went up into his room to get some more boxes to discover loads of stuff still in his room 🤦‍♀️
It took me an hour with him to finish packing and I was fuming at the time! The more I thought about it though the more I realised it was my fault. My son is not inherently selfish (are you sure your daughter is?) he had simply never moved home before and wasn't really sure what was expected until I stood there with him and pointed it out! It also seemed like a monumental task for him to do on his own so I really should have offered to 'direct' him earlier in the process.
I think the part of the problem stems from babying our children (must be in education until they are 18, we used to send kids out for full time work at 14!) but then we expect them to be fully functional adults on the day of their 18th birthday!
I wouldn't skip her stuff, can you afford to replace it? Can you afford a packing company to come in and do the lot of it for you so you can stop worrying about it?

SoScarletItWas · 23/07/2025 06:17

Planesmistakenforstars · 23/07/2025 02:27

still doesn’t excuse turning a blind eye to all the other jobs I could do with
help with

Tell her what chores she has to do each week to contribute, and what the consequences are if she doesn't do them. Don't pay her phone contract; switch the WiFi to a password she doesn't have access to; same with any TV subs; don't give her lifts. Don't do the things for her that an adult has to do for themselves such as her laundry or shopping for her, (if you do those things still.)

Agree with this. New house; new ground rules. She’s not a child, there are two adults living in this new house, and this is how we will work together to keep it looking nice and running well.

If she’s working, time for her to contribute too.

verycloakanddaggers · 23/07/2025 06:25

Don't throw her possessions away without warning, and don't throw away anything irreplaceable or sentimental. Harsh actions seriously risk your relationship without having any positive behavioural benefit.

If you've got this close to moving without sensible conversation, I don't think an emotionally-driven overreaction will help you right now. Moving is stressful enough - your objective is to move house.

So I say focus on the move, chuck her stuff in boxes and then use the new house as a fresh canvas to lay down some serious expectations and get things on a healthier level between you.

In short, don't turn a (teen) drama into a (family) crisis.

quicklywick · 23/07/2025 06:32

Have you actually told her what needs doing. Teenagers aren't great at using their own initiative you need to be specific and give time frames

WasherWoman25 · 23/07/2025 06:41

Mine are not inherently selfish, but I know the statement of go pack your room would be too wide and too big of a job (they are on the spectrum though). I’d definitely have to break it down. Here’s a couple of boxes for all your clothes, please go pack them and leave out an outfit for moving day. Can you pack up your dressing table into this box etc.

You say in one post, you’ve turned a blind eye to other jobs, this is ultimately the result of that. Expectations build over time not over night. Bring cross isn’t going to change the situation right now. Give individual instructions to get at least some of it done before the festival and set new ground rules as soon as you are in the new house, and stick to them.

SpacedOutOut · 23/07/2025 06:43

shizgigz · 23/07/2025 01:22

Maybe but pretty sure if I “accidentally” forgot to pack all her things up and left them by the skip she would soon become concerned with home life. Not like she hasn’t had loads of warning we were moving

Tell her you’re going to do this. If it’s not packed it goes in the bin.

Zanadoo45 · 23/07/2025 06:47

It may well be normal teenage behaviour but that doesn’t mean you need to put up with it.

When my DC started leaving mess and not clearing up after themselves I just stopped doing their laundry, cooking them food and shopping for them. I didn’t go mental I just explained in a family we all have to take responsibility for the mess we make. Money for food was always available and we have a Lidl 10 minutes walk away so they weren’t denied anything other than my willingness to fulfill a role if they weren’t also willing to fulfill their roles. They soon changed their ways and now they are at Uni they can’t believe how bone idle and unhygienic most of their houseshare friends have been. They are shocked they don’t change their bedding every week and clean up their dishes after every meal like we do 😂.

In your circumstances I would leave her to it and bin what’s not packed up.

Globules · 23/07/2025 06:55

If this had been DS, the non packed stuff would have gone in the tip.

If this had been DD, I'd have worked with her to sort it. What I actually did with DD was ask one of my friends who she liked and respected to come and help her pack up her room.

I get you see this as selfish behaviour. Her perspective is that she's got better things to do than tidy up after herself and pack her room.

I found ways to navigate this sort of behaviour with my DD, and now that she's older, we still have a great relationship. Her room is still a tip mind you, but I know it would have been hard to come back from me binning things which were hers.

Ignore the posts telling you to put her possessions in the skip. It's the ridiculous vocal extreme of MN who can only see black and white. Most of us live in the grey.

EllasNonny · 23/07/2025 07:00

This probably hasn't come out of the blue. She's 17. Have you ever expected much of her in the past? If not, that's a huge task to throw at her.
My 18yo would have meticulously packed everything weeks in advance. My 20yo is much more in the moment. He'd happily let me skip it in order to go to the festival. Then we'd all live with the misery of him having no stuff.
I know my DC and choose my battles. I'd have been setting specific tasks for weeks to make it manageable in bite sized pieces. He does have ADHD. We have found ways to achieve an outcome, a few days before is not the time to start with most teenagers.
In our home that would not mean it would probably all end up on DH and I if I waited until now. Small and slow gets the same results as DD, but would mean more imput from me than a few instructions.