Breathtakingly selfish 18 yo

[shizgigz]

I am a single parent working 40 + hours pw and moving house in 2 days.

DD 17 has done nothing to help, not
even pack her own things, save for piles of clothes in her room.
Tomorrow she takes off for a festival and won’t be back til Sunday, tonight I got in from work at 9 to a shit tip of a kitchen, lights and tv on and a text telling me she’d gone out, no other details.

i am beyond exhausted but can’t sleep as I am so upset. The selfishness is staggering, she literally has ignored everything I’ve asked.

Those saying she might not know what to do - what the actual fuck? Any idiot knows if you’re moving house then your stuff can’t stay where it is, it needs to go in a box. She just doesn’t want to do it because she’s lazy and entitled. If she didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to ask she could google it.

Agree . Too much babying .

If she’s going to the festival tomorrow and getting back Sunday presumably she is away whilst you are actuallly moving ? So on Sunday she is coming home to the new house ?
I would be waking her up early this morning and giving her a list of exactly what needs to be done before she leaves for the festival. Spell it out. Also spell out the consequences of this not being done & how this affects you. Not yelling, just calmly explain why you are so upset.

Is there any access to your “old” house once you move or is it a sale and you need to be completed in one day ? If it’s a sale and everything has got to be gone on that day, then after she’s gone to the festival whatever is left I’d take a deep breath and just power on through chucking all her stuff in boxes whilst she’s away. And I mean all her stuff… don’t tidy or edit it - literally throw everything including rubbish, dirty clothes whatever into any old mixed boxes, seal them and put them in her room at the new house for her to sort when she’s back.
If you have a few days of grace with the old house being yours still after you’ve moved into the new one then I would leave the majority of her stuff there exactly as it is, and just take with you the large stuff that needs a van on moving day. E.g large furniture etc. then she can go back and sort her packing, tidying and clean the room when she’s back from the festival.
Time to stop doing stuff for her. She needs to realise her shit is her own responsibility and no one is coming in to (literally) sweep up after her. Sometimes actions speak louder that words.

I’m sorry, OP. Moving is hard enough without resistance! Personally, I’d be very tempted to go into her room this morning and just start dumping it all into boxes as quickly as possible (including stuff she’s set aside for her festival if it’s in your path) and say she’s left you no choice and it’s either this or it doesn’t come to the new place. She’ll be mad but just keep dumping it all in. Then, at the new house, don’t help her find her boxes. Pop them at the bottom of a pile and tell her that they’re in the house somewhere. Get on with the rest of the job and she’ll figure out what she needs to do. Good luck!

Is she upset about the move? Is she ‘in denial’ or trying to sabotage? Have you given her boxes?

DO NOT throw her stuff away! There is no coming back from that and it will permanently damage your relationship. People on mn always spout dramatic stuff like that - it’s easy to say but it doesn’t mean they’d actually do something so unkind when it came to it.

Wake her up now and say ‘we need to get your room packed before you go because I don’t know what you want to keep, anything you don’t want needs to go in the skip’ and together do it.’ Yes it’s very annoying that she won’t do it on her own- but fundamentally it just needs to be done and although this feels like backing down it’s probably less stressful than the alternative! If she is sad about leaving acknowledge that, allow her to be sad if she needs to. She is only 17 and festivals and friends are very important at that age.

You would throw stuff away that’d cost hundreds/thousands to re buy? If you can afford to do that, you could have afforded to pay packers to pack your and her stuff up.

I won’t be throwing her stuff away, I am just exhausted and cross.

And she stayed out so no waking her up early

Black bag everything in her room. Just sweep it into boxes and bags. Tip drawers of clothes into bags or boxes. You’d have to do that anyway to skip it… I’d miss the skip stage as world war 356893732 wouldn’t be worth it.

if the rooms already a mess - I also might just dump on bed and use the sheets to tie it up in.

Just dump it in new house in the mess it was packed in. Her problem to sort it out. Can’t find something when she moves. Not your problem.

good luck with the move @shizgigz

Is she back now? Wake her up, start shoving stuff in boxes around her!

Er what? I would definitely be waking up early, with a tick list of tasks to do!

This is your problem - you are kowtowing to her self-induced "tired" schedule.

Grow a back bone fgs

Get in her room, curtain open, windows open and giver her a list of what to do by a certain time.

This type of person wasn’t created overnight. This’ll have been on the cards for years - as she was growing up she probably refused to bring washing down, to help with cooking, to keep her room tidy, argued a lot with you etc.

What did you do to curb that when it first started? Because the selfish, lazy, entitled, blasé 18 year old sounds like she knows that you’ll do whatever she needs anyway.

I don’t buy that this is normal behaviour. She’s an adult. Nobody’s convincing me that an 18 year old can’t turn the lights off and tidy up before they go out. What it is, is behaviour that’s been allowed for years, I bet.

I’d leave her stuff where it is.

No waking up early! Up blankets off curtains open! Three hours to get packed. What’s not packed is thrown. She is old enough to know better.

I think OP means her DD isn't at home.

OP - irritating though it is (I have an 18yo too), I think I'd do as @TheMimsy says and just pour her clothes into black bags and haul them to the new house. Or packing boxes even better if you have them. The natural consequences of her inaction is that she will have to unpack in chaos in the new house and it will probably take her weeks to find all her stuff.

I was similiar at 17 but I had no idea how much work goes into packing. She hasn’t packed up a house before so unless you have told her how much work it is, asked her for help and told her what she needs to have done by when they she just won’t be aware.

Bugger that! Get her up pronto.

If she's left already I'd shove it all in those massive IKEA bags if you have some. I wouldn't throw it out.

If she's not left I'd get her to shove the whole lot in bags. She can sort it all at the new place.

If you throw out a load of stuff that she needs you might find yourself having to replace it, so it's a false economy.

The sensible choice, don't escalate this problem.

You've every right to be cross, you clearly work a lot of hours and moving is awful.

But just get it all packed and moved with as little drama as possible and deal with her after you've landed in the new house.

Good luck!

I don’t think it would be helpful to escalate the problem by binning all her stuff. That will just give you even more drama and cost to resolve at a particularly stressful time.

Is everything else in the house already packed, with your daughter’s room the last thing to do? If not, I would prioritise having all your things packed in a careful and orderly fashion. Leave daughter’s stuff until last.

Is daughter away at the festival until moving day?

If so, I’d just go in and sweep everything into big boxes/ bags for her to sort out at the new house.

If not, I would go in and direct/ help. Be assertive and calm, be clear that it’s not to be put off, be clear that the consequence of you doing it will be a hell of a lot more work for her in the long run, but don’t create more stress for yourself.

I think OP means she stayed out as in she's still out - she hasn't come home

the statement of go pack your room would be too wide and too big of a job (they are on the spectrum though). I’d definitely have to break it down. Here’s a couple of boxes for all your clothes, please go pack them and leave out an outfit for moving day. Can you pack up your dressing table into this box etc.

Omg she is 17! She shouldn't need instructing on packing her stuff.

Are you actively asking her to do things and she’s saying no or ignoring you.

or is she just not doing things of her own accord?

They are two very different things.

Teenagers are selfish but they learnt to act as they’re taught.

You need to be asking her to do things.
Leaving lists to be completed each day.
Hold her accountable.
Message her when you walk into the house and find the kitchen a mess and the lights and TV on and tell her this isn’t an acceptable way to leave the house.

Course she doesn’t need it. She can do anything that’s required of her when she wants to (bet she had no issue sorting festival tickets/transport/packing and has no problem remembering to keep her phone charged, see friends etc). It’s a choice, definitely. Can’t stand the “their brain isn’t fully formed yet” mob who make excuses for people who can’t do the basics.

I do see that the person you’ve quoted is speaking about someone on a spectrum, but there’s nothing to suggest that the OPs daughter is. Just lazy, entitled, babied.

I agree with you not dumping her stuff. If nothing else I guess it would probably be down to you to replace whatever was needed. What I would do is just tip it all into the packing boxes drawer by drawer and then let her deal with that mess when she wants to unpack