I think my niece is showing some developmental red flags. Say something or mind my own business?

[WellyMcLonglegs]

DN is only 18 mo and I know all developmental stages are a benchmark and she could just be a little behind. However I'm not without experience in this (professionally) and I am genuinely a little bit worried.

From my observations she's not hitting any age related 'expectations' - no eye contact, mimicking, babbling, walking, cruising, words, pointing, responding to name etc.she's a gorgeous little thing and I love her to bits but for context I don't see her on a week to week basis and am not sure I have enough 'info' or the right to say anything. For context my dsis and I have a slightly fractious relationship and I don't want to overstep.

I have 2 older dc and would have wanted someone to tell me if they thought I needed to check anything out (DN is an only child so nothing to compare to) but I'm a control freak so recognise this isn't what everyone would want. I keep thinking perhaps she needs a hearing or sight test and it could be easily rectified.
Say something or button it?

If you don’t see her regularly and are concerned you don’t have the right info or know what to say then don’t say anything, unless of course your sister asks. 18 months is still very young and even if your sister raises concerns it’s likely to be a ‘wait and see’ approach, as it is it sounds like your sister may not have noticed anything herself and so may not be in a place to consider anything anyway so all you’ll be doing is fracturing your relationship. I wouldn’t raise anything unless you are sure, don’t raise it on a vague concern if you don’t even feel sure yourself about it.

Thankyou for your sensitive and kind reply. You are right.

In the situation as you describe it I would stay out of it. If she ever asked my opinion or shared similar concerns then yes feel free to share your thoughts.

Dc develop differently. I had a parent worry me because dtds didn’t sit up until 8mo a they didn’t talk until 2 years and 3 months. Now, about to go into year 10 and start GCSEs, they’re both in top set science and English, and second set maths. I think you need to be very cautious damaging your relationship if it’s nothing. Encourage her to chase up the 2 year check so dc gets that.

I was expecting to open this and say absolutely none of your business but no eye contact at 18 months, no babbling, little movement is really not sounding good.

I agree that she does seem notably behind where she should be. However given that you do not have a good relationship with your sister, I would probably not say anything.
Reality is, your sis has probably noticed herself and maybe has already sought advice, if she wanted to talk to you about it she would.
Even if she hadn’t noticed, DN will be due her 2 year check in a few months so a professional can assess and lay it out for her.

I agree, I have a son with asd who was diagnosed at 3. I realised milestones weren’t being mey so contacted hv . I would have been ok with a family member speaking up but it was pretty obvious it would have been like validation.I might have felt more defensive if taken by surprise and especially if family member wasn’t sure either.
she will have her two year check soon which will identify if milestones are being met.

Just leave it, if there is something it will get picked up in due course,

I doubt they'll thank you for raising your concerns with them or pointing things out.

Does it have to be a chat with your sis, could you have a quiet word with child's father instead?

You can approx test things like hearing yourself, can't you, I mean things like make silly noises quietly behind her back & see if she turns to look.

You pointing out the issues won't fix the developmental delays but will likely hurt your 'fractious' relationship with your sister.

The HV or later, nursery/childminder, will bring it up.

lol I thought the same, but I think possibly the HV already know and perhaps the patents don't want anyone to know? So many milestones not reached will be under surveillance by the professionals I'm sure

I would question something softly to give your sister a chance to open a conversation but won’t press too much.
However I would only go into it if you have genuine practical advice. I loathe conversations along the lines: Haven’t you noticed that DD is not toilet trained yet and are you going to do something about it? (told in a loud judgy voice with relevant facial expression).
I also hate : Oh don’t you worry she is so gorgeous, it will come …

Can you tell that my child has additional needs that I never had much advice or practical support from my older sister or my mum ?

She'll have her 2 year check up soon to spot any early warning signs, let the health visitor do their job and you should remain quiet. It will no doubt make things awkward if you raised it

What’s the relationship like between your sister and your mum? Would your sister listen to your mum? Has she noticed or mentioned anything?

Stay out of it OP. I spoke up to my sister and it ruined our relationship. She was in denial and refused to see the problems.

Her DC has a host of diagnosed developmental issues now (10 years later) but she's never forgiven me for gently suggesting that her toddler might need some additional assessments and support. It's almost as if she believes I caused the issues by mentioning them and if she could've just kept ignoring them, they'd have gone away.

Shooting the messenger is a real phenomenon unfortunately.

that definitely sounds like she’s struggling I’d definitely ask. I’d be astounded if this hadn’t been picked up at her 10 month check and then followed up. I’d ask how’s she’s found the health checks how is DN doing etc?

I'm in complete agreement with everything you say. I work with children with sen so am not coming at this with no knowledge but I also know its way too young to start throwing around unhelpful comments.
If her or dp ask I will suggest it might be worth looking into worries but you're right.
My relationship with dsis isn't a big drama, it can be tense and she has some mental health issues which I don't want to exacerbate by planting unneccesary worries. I do model all the nursery rhymes, games etc when I'm with her (and she watched this with my 2 when they were younger) but we all parent differently and it not my job or right to tell her how to do it
I will encourage them to attend the 2 year year check.
My worries are still there but it's clarified what I shouldbt do! Thanks all

So sorry to hear this.

Sorry that was to @PuppiesProzacProsecco

I actually think it could be helpful to say something (even if your DSis might not appreciate it in the very moment you say it). You sound like a sensitive person who would be able to find the right way to hint just enough that she could pick up on it - if she wanted - or to pretend that you had said nothing - if she didn't.

I still haven’t heard from HVs about my DC’s two year check - they said they’d be in touch when I’ve called them twice now. Just an FYI in case DSIS isn’t aware perhaps and doesn’t chase it up?

I find it hard to believe she hasn’t flagged this though and doesn’t suspect anything. DN sounds quite behind bless her. I was clueless as a FTM but comparison between the babies was inevitable in baby groups. I was constantly Googling to check when milestones should be met roughly and this sounded pretty common among the mum friends I made.

I would say nothing unless your dsis raises any worries with you and then I would encourage her to speak to her hv. If the little one is behind in her development, it will likely be picked up at her 2 yr check. My son was diagnosed with asd at 3 1/2 after a lengthy assessment process but we were fairly sure he was autistic long before that. But I've also known parents whose child was completely non-verbal at age 5 and showing very obvious autistic behaviours and the parents still wouldn't accept a diagnosis. It's very tricky and you have to gauge if parents are ready to consider that there may be additional needs.

Yes I would hope so.

How often do you see her?

I’ve had similar, concerns over my little nephew and with my background I felt I could see things weren’t quite right. I chose to sit back and watch, I’d of course intervene if I felt his needs weren’t being met or he was being put at risk. Soon enough he had his 2 year check.