I think my niece is showing some developmental red flags. Say something or mind my own business?

[WellyMcLonglegs]

DN is only 18 mo and I know all developmental stages are a benchmark and she could just be a little behind. However I'm not without experience in this (professionally) and I am genuinely a little bit worried.

From my observations she's not hitting any age related 'expectations' - no eye contact, mimicking, babbling, walking, cruising, words, pointing, responding to name etc.she's a gorgeous little thing and I love her to bits but for context I don't see her on a week to week basis and am not sure I have enough 'info' or the right to say anything. For context my dsis and I have a slightly fractious relationship and I don't want to overstep.

I have 2 older dc and would have wanted someone to tell me if they thought I needed to check anything out (DN is an only child so nothing to compare to) but I'm a control freak so recognise this isn't what everyone would want. I keep thinking perhaps she needs a hearing or sight test and it could be easily rectified.
Say something or button it?

Thank you to you all for replying. In answer to some of the questions. I see her monthly, sometimes more, sometimes less. Bizarrely my mum bought this up with me recently as she has the same fears but she lives abroad so feels in even less of a position to comment.

Re the health visitor/toddler group suggestions - I think this is probably one of my concerns. Afaik she hasn't seen a HV, they live on a border and their care seems pretty hit and miss. She's never been to a toddler group, my sister is an older mum and feels this keenly. I suspect she avoids them. Because of this they literally see no other children of her age for comparison (I realise this could be part of the 'delay' - not having that exposure).

What makes you think your sister doesn't know ?
My son is severely autistic and has severe learning disabilities he's 15 now the early years were very hard and of course I knew he wasn't meeting his milestones but I was in denial at first and I didn't need things pointing out to me by well meaning relatives , I'm not having a Dig Op,I have no.doubt you care about your niece and sister but that's how I felt
He was diagnosed at three

A very dear friend had a son who is autistic (and now in his 20s going great guns, doing courses in his profession and making progress, though his life path I don’t think will ever be ‘typical’ as such). I didn’t say anything when he was little, though it was difficult as she would say things like ‘I used to think he might be autistic but now I definitely don’t’ ie both raising and not wanting to discuss it. I did finally say something only when a health visitor had dismissed the idea of her son seeing a speech therapist because he could say very long words- and as I’m a speech therapist I just said that there was a bit more to that to speech therapy and she might want to think about it just to see what they said. So only when there was something specific that I had solid knowledge of, that might be taking them away from something helpful.

It’s very hard. Tbh I think if you do say something, you have to be prepared to lose the relationship. And at 18 months I think the benefit of an assessment is much less than the benefit of a loving and present aunt in his life.

I wouldn't say anything at this point. If there are any concerns they will be picked up at routine checks and definitely at school. Some children do develop at different rates but your DSIS will be bound to notice at some point if she is behaving differently from her peers.

Gosh given she's not seeing a hv, I think I'd maybe try and say something gently but only because I know how important early intervention can be with some issues. It's likely she won't thank you though, if she is clueless it's really hard not to kill the messenger.

It’s nothing to do with you. Don’t say anything.

Even if the parents dont wish to have an assessment, it's worth OP raising concerns with them ASAP. I've known people who were flagged as early as 8 months old (in the 90s and early 2000s) and as adults the extra support has helped rather than hindered.

The parents treating her as if she might be ND, and working on interventions and supports now will only benefit her communication and coping skills further down the road, even if she is neurotypical and catches up later. The earlier the better. There is so much material that parents can access now compared to 25 years ago.

Girls are often left too long due to families diamissing their issues... usually one parent railroads the other into ignoring it. Everything is dismissed as shyness or rudeness or laziness, until it finally becomes apparent it isn't. And by the time the child does get a diagnosis the damage is done. the years between 5-8 are fundamental and girls will suffer harshly from being ostracised by their peers. Or they may experience chronic burnout and even regression/catatonia later on in life if they can mask to some degree, but are unaware of their diagnosis and aren't realising what it is they're doing, or why life seems so difficult and upsetting despite them giving 200%.

I am ND and it was flagged up when I was 4 or 5, but my parents didn't want the shame of the diagnosis and dropped out of appointments with the developmental pediatrician team after a few speech and language therapy lessons. All those wasted years and a catatonic breakdown later and i was dx at 19. And while I love them dearly, it's been the equivalent of ignoring a broken leg. I've spent my entire life catching up. Parents should never bury their heads in the sand.

I would agree with this.
Do you have anyone who could be an intermediary? Other family she might listen to better?
Of course all babies are different but to be doing none of these things at 1 and a half would be very concerning to me.

But having severe developmental delays only being addressed when they start school is NOT good. Way too late.
I don’t know if the OP can make a positive difference here but just ignoring this is unlikely to make it magically better.

OP, I was chatting to a dad in a playgroup recently who said they suspected special needs from 8 months old. He said they’ve had loads of support already. Little one is now 2. If my sister was a bit too laidback about this and I somehow knew she hadn’t sought help already (this might be difficult to know), I’d perhaps consider mentioning to my mum or dad - whoever I had the best relationship with and could trust to approach it with tact somehow. Not sure how though…

The gifs intended to be lighthearted 😬

As hard as it is...say nothing. HV will pick it up.

99 people in 100, while they may claim otherwise, will in reality shoot the messenger dont get caught up in it.
Just be there for your Dsis

This. My eldest didn’t walk until they were 3 1/2 (years!) was told they were disabled and not normal etc by my own mother and ‘no Einstein either’ and it was awful snide comments. That child is now 18 off to Oxbridge in a few weeks and predicted 4 A* they regularly swim a mile each weekend - completed Gold D of E etc and so (middle) finger to my mother. So sensitively stay out of it and praise everything she as a mum or the child does !

Very early intervention isn't going to make them magically "better". In my personal experience of things like this it is best to see how the child develops. Of course if you have concerns these can be addressed by a professional and should be flagged up by them anyway during routine early years checks. They may be able to suggest things that carers can do at home to help, especially for any challenging behaviour. There is plenty that can be done when the child is more able to focus and learn. But whatever one's view I don't think the OP saying something likely to receive a hostile response at this point is going to help at all.

I'd find it hard to believe that your sister doesn't already realise, as parents are usually quite aware of keeping an eye on milestones. But strange if she hasn't acted upon it (in denial maybe?).
I think it would be doing a disservice to the child to do nothing, especially if her parents aren't doing anything either. She needs early intervention and all the supports she can get. Delaying it further is so unfair to the poor child - I know I don't need to tell you this as it's your area of expertise, but just to hammer home that you're right to want to intervene.

I guess you'll have to be prepared for a not so nice reception from your sister if she maybe doesn't want to hear it. It's usually a touchy subject to begin with. But I couldn't sit by and do nothing. Come at it with as much compassion and support as you can. Good luck.

The trouble is that she may well already know this. Baby would have had their 10-13m review and this would likely have been addressed. Unless of course she declined. You say you don’t have a solid relationship with her so you may not know she’s aware.

I have a wonderful relationship with my SILs and whilst I see things too, I only ever discuss when they bring it up and mostly just work through the problem they present me. I’ve seen more things through observation, but I’ve never brought them up.

My child is now 4 and is non verbal globally delayed in all areas and autistic. I first noticed at 6 months that he was delayed, his nursery noticed and mentioned it. For us the first time we discussed his delays was at the health visitor check at 2 years. This helped us massively, Portage became involved who assessed his development through play, SALT involvement too.

your niece might not be as developmentally delayed as my son, but my advice would be to note any concerns and discuss at the two year review. If anything seems amiss they can signpost your niece to a range of professionals.

I reckon you Dsis is aware, or suspects but isn’t letting on. I think even if you said something she probably wouldn’t open up to you, as your relationship isn’t always great.

perhaps lots of reassurance that she’s doing a great job, and reiterating that your niece is very much loved might lead to her opening up.

Next time she asks I would direct her to the the online HV checks.

Please, please do say something. My HVs were utterly useless and it was only cos I had older dc who were fine with milestones that I knew something was not right with younger ds. What you are saying sounds like a child already delayed. I got a diagnosis for my ds at 14 months from a paedatrician and he was smiley and making eye contact but wasn't babbling as such or mobile at all. Also other milestones were not being reached.
I'm sure you will say it a gentle way.

No don't say anything. They must have noticed or have had someone suggest if there are concerns. It can take a while to accept there can be something wrong as well, they will need to figure this part out for themselves.
If you were super close with your sister then I think you could talk to her about it. But as tou are not then you could cause a major rift.

Don’t say anything. The parents probably already know, may be in denial, because who can blame them?? and it could cause a fall out.

I have a friend who I see maybe a couple of times every few months and when she had her son, it was completely obvious something wasn’t right- I could tell when he was about three months old.

Fast forward to now and he’s in an Sen school and has a very rare genetic condition. The parents just needed to get there in their own time- me voicing my concerns would’ve done absolutely nothing but worry them.

Believe me, they will have their suspicions and know something isn’t right. Just be there to support them in the future

This must be a very difficult situation for you OP. It’s clear that you love your niece very much and want the best for her. You have experience of supporting children with additional needs so have a professional judgment alongside an emotional drive to ensure that any potential support required is met in a timely way.
Of course there are outliers where children have ‘caught up’, with examples of young people who are exceeding academically, but this is more the exception than the rule.
From what you have said it appears that your observations would raise concerns over what are considered typical developmental milestones. Could you share universally available resources with your sister? For example Tiny Happy People or the Speech and Language UK progress checker? With reference to speech and language uk checker: this is an interactive tool with the option for families to book a free 30
minute call with a ‘talk to a therapist’ offer who can offer strategies to support the home learning environment, should there be some cause for concern over development
https://speechandlanguage.org.uk/help-for-families/talk-to-a-speech-and-language-advisor/

As you know early intervention is key but approaching the subject requires a sensitive approach which I appreciate is so difficult.

Hard to know. My DD seemed to change into a quiet little toddler when visiting family. I would give updates on my end, DD is doing this and that with developments and then on the family visits, DD would hide behind my legs if anything and barely look or interact with anyone. They probably thought all she did was cry and cling and not talk.

She’s close to three now very different. Wherever she is, she is full of energy and talking all the time. She smiles and laughs openly. Eye contact is fine. She really changed at 2.5 years I found. It was as though she was loading up all this and then it all came out.

It was only recently my mum said, oh she is doing this and that with her on visits, and how she’s so engaging and fun. But take back those few months and she was very different and DH and I were unsure if developmentally things were on track.

It’s better to say nothing, because this will be picked up in time at her developmental checks/nursery. There is very little point in you pointing this out as it is unlikely to be an emergency that cannot wait until her next developmental check.

My daughter didn’t babble. At 18 months she could say/sign about 10/12 words. Now she is 2 years 9 months and doesn’t stop talking. Although she hit other mile stones a little earlier. She was/is a very physical baby. She crawled, sat up and walked with furniture in the same week at 6 months old.

If it’s talked about then I’d maybe bring it up. I wouldn’t mention ND just try and discuss how maybe it would be worth talking to HV about her development.