Bored of DH's DIY approach to the house.

[DIYDave]

We bought a shell of a house 20 years ago and DH is still working on it. I have lost all motivation.
All rare holidays have been capped at 10 days so there's a weekend for DIY.
The last 3 years have mostly been focused on classic cars which are all still unreliable and worth incredibly little.
We're finally getting a proper kitchen and after researching it, compromising for cost over and over again, the whole six units are being delivered in a month's time. And I'm just so unmotivated about it all.
DH is fitting it, I've found a worktop supplier but I just think that's going to be watered down and I've run out of fight.
We need a joist and DH actually said he was thinking about cutting a tree down and making his own out of the garden.
He will do a good job but there just aren't enough hours in the day, it's been 20 years and I want to do something different.

Why are you living like this?

Are you happy but just bored of the DIY?

Why are the cars now more important than your house?

When you look back at the past 20 years for an unfinished house, cut short holidays and now junk cars. Has it all been worth it? Would you have been happier spending your money and the mental load on other things?

If it was me I’d be getting a divorce and not a worktop.

Also, a tree for a joist? Surely that will massively impact your ability to resell the house.
The joists we had fitted were very heavy metal beams.

Just take over and project manage it yourself by getting professionals in to do the work.

Are you usually this passive? Your life seems to revolve around your husband's whims and hobbies. By 'watered down' do you mean bullied into what your husband wants?

Is there no compromise for example, your husband cuts his holiday short to rush back for his clapped out cars and you stay on?

Yep I feel you. We bought a do-er upper around 13 years ago and it’s still not finished. Lack of money and motivation means that the bits we did early on now need updating and yet we haven’t finished the original decorating and we are overdue a new roof! It’s so disheartening. We haven’t got any money so we just have to live with it. I console myself with the odd cushion purchase!

Cushion! I feel that's what my life has been reduced to. I bought two massive bits of art recently and they turned up, got put in the corner and look bloody amazing. They catch my eye every time I move around the house.

A lot of what we did years ago needs updating but DH has become more entrenched that I can't paint/plaster/project manage.

(I should point out that my day to day job involves professional restoration and project management)

I got all the quotes for DeVol, Howdens, DIY kitchens, Christchurch and still it gets nibbled away to six units from a bodge company.
I think I'm broken and there's not enough HRT in the world.

I never thought it would be like this. I was absolutely happy to put in the graft 20 years ago, but I just want to do stuff that doesn't include multitasking for DIY, when professionals with knowledge and tools can just get on with it.

Why is it just his decision?

It sounds very miserable. Why do you stay?

This sounds like my DH even down to the car obsession. He always got multiple projects on the go and then had no energy for anything else. I have put my foot down about spending more time with me and the DC and he is socialising a bit more these days. I suspect he is autistic (our DC both are) and DIY and car projects gives him control and physical evidence of his effort. He always does a good job, eventually.

My DH is very practical and knowledgeable and has a technical job related to the building industry so really hard to argue with. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have someone making our home so nice 🙄

Sorry to make you feel worse than you already do, but this is my idea of hell. We've done big refurbs, but a wreck would have me running for the hills.

My inlaws bought a run down cottage 12 years ago and it still looks a mess, and they'll never finish it before they die. What a burden.

Do you NEED to be so cost conscious? Or could you throw some money at getting it finished?

We're supposed to be having an extension done using an architect & building firm. That's creeping along. Funny enough the only people consistently delivering on time, briefed and problem solving are all women.
The kitchen is just a thing to be doing in the meantime time but it just gets whittled away to 'why buy that when I can make, finish and paint it'
The joist was the funniest. I think DH realised he'd overstepped when I offered to get a fake sawmill stamp made up. I mean, why get the local builders merchant to deliver tomorrow when you can fell, plank, dry and the shape a random tree from the garden over the next 6 months.

I miss going to see bands, we could be at Butlins seeing an aged PWEI or neds rather than badly spray painting a wing panel in an unheated workshop.

Can you afford professionals and expensive kit, or is the 6 kitchen cupboards and DH DIYing because that's all that's affordable?

I can't quite work out what the crux of the problem is. Is it that DH wants to DIY and is refusing to spend money that upu have available, or is it the only way you can afford to do it?

Renos are hard and expensive. I feel for you living long term in one, it must be pretty miserable.

We have the money! We earn it and we absolutely have it all sat there!
DH 's parents have so much fucking money we will have to pay inheritance tax but still they still look on eBay and then they convolute some complicated way to dent the car roof, cost 60 quid in petrol and a day's leave rather than paying £40 to deliver.

I think the kitchen has really brought home to me that despite being fully informed, researched and managed, it will never be enough. There will always be another way to shave off £10 in cash but cost half a day in time.

Luckily my DH makes time for bands (or he’d be divorced). We are both into the PWEI/Neds/Stuffies (hence my user name). Drag him to Shiiine On at Butlins for the best weekend since your teens 😁

Exactly! I should be drinking a pint of cider and hoping the dry ice machine makes the Reid brothers look 30 years younger. Not plumbing, electricuting or plastering when there is money in the bank and professionals out there.

I don't need to tell you that you've spent way too many years of your life on this. My parents bought a 17th century cottage for cash when I was a child that needed everything doing to it. My father was utterly against getting a mortgage and convinced my mum this would be cheaper. It was not. It probably cost about tripple the amount in the end with my mum constantly living in a semi building site. It also took around 15 years and basically destroyed their health and relationship.

Can you sit him down and have a really serious conversation about how much it's affecting you? Maybe there is a compromise on rooms or areas or the house where you bring someone in to sort properly and other areas he can DIY as he gets time. So for example one bathroom, your bedroom and the living room needs to be done asap and properly but if he wants to tinker with a study or spare bedroom, fine. I'd see if you can do something about making sure the kitchen is fully done because that's going to be a right pain if it's bit and bobs.

When did you last absolutely lose your sh*t with him? Because it sounds way waaaay overdue.

I’m not surprised you’ve lost your passion for the house. We’ve done 3 full refurbishments and do some of the work ourselves but also use trades when we need to. Our current house has taken 3 years to finish.

20 years living in a wreck whilst my husband fannied about in the garage would have me slashing my wrists. You are a saint to have put up with this BUT you absolutely need to put your foot down over the kitchen and have what you want … I am making a massive assumption that you are the main cook though?

One thing that works with my DH which might help your penny pincher is I tell him how much value the work is adding to the price. For example a new kitchen adds 5-10% to the value of your home.

I share your pain. DH decided HE wanted a construction in the garden that would rival Niagara. Precise measurements were calculated, volumes of materials calculated, foundations dug deep enough to support a 2 storey buliding. Concrete blocks laid at the speedy rate of 2 a day, then along came COVID at so work stopped. So, here we are construction complete and now it's down to the cladding and a pond to be dug and finished - 6 yrs and counting. In all that time we've had 1 hoilday and about 4 trips out. Mobility (mine) is now an issue. I HATE that waterfall. I just wanted a little water feature!

And a crap one just takes away from the value.

He’s never going to change. He’s been brought up like that by the sounds of things and now he’s done it for 20 years.

I’d be planning my exit to a nice white new build x

I think I'm in danger of sunk cost fallacy.
It's sobering hearing the children of renovators.
The place will be amazing but maybe not with us or in our lifetime.

The oversized art pieces would make any home look amazing! It's the thing I'm most excited about.

I don’t understand how the kitchen conversation went? You said here are some lovely kitchen plans and quotes?

He said what?… We don’t need all those cupboards”, “we can’t afford that”, “we can save money if we buy from x”, “ we can save money if we only have half the cupboards” ???

Surely you then say “well I prefer the look of this kitchen from the supplier I found so I want to get this one”, “we do need 12 kitchen cupboards as we need to store x, y and z”, “we can afford it and you got to choose what we did with x, y and z in the house so I think it’s my turn”, “you do not have time to do the kitchen” etc etc etc until he has run out of arguments. You have to be more persistent than him! You need to channel your inner “dog with a bone”!!!