How to manage unwanted gifts

[B0D]

I get really anxious when people give things and I don’t seem to be able to communicate that well

For years I’ve been saying: book token, charity donations or something from a charity shop is fine, but they insist on spending and wasting money. I get that it’s their money to spend but I always feel so unheard and invisible in the process.

The best gift would be if they listened to me. Buying me something feels like their gratification is being met and my feelings are ignored.

Should I try telling them all gifts will be given to charity? Or that I will actually be very hurt / offended if they buy anything else for me?

I’m aware I am unusual that I can’t receive things, but am now looking at a huge beautiful hand painted dish I have no space or use for that must have cost around £300. This was given by a close relative, they are aware I don’t use it and am unlikely to ever, but it was chosen with care and love.

You can always ‘pay it forward’ by passing your expensive gifts to me. 😁

It's a gift. You job is to accept it graciously and do what you want with it - including disposing of it.

We teach this to very small children who quite rightly could say at times 'what is this rubbish, I don't want this' - but we don't let them say that.

You say it is given with care and love - so accept the care and love and get rid of the actual object.

What you cannot do is tell other people how to spend their own money.

It depends on the giver tbh. Some people will take feedback, others won't. Judge it on an individual basis.

Sell anything you don't want and use the money to get yourself something you want.

But first make sure the nice gifts aren't coming from a charity shop! Maybe they are following your instructions?

Gosh, really?! I never have this happen to me! I’m going to suggest you regift. There are loads of us not in receipt of gifts!! Or give them to your local primary school for tombola.

There are quite a few social situations where a gift is expected.

you may not want it but they are not happy to break social rules, which is what you are asking them to do.

charity shop the gifts just like the rest of us.

Ask them? Mum, this dish is so beautiful. The colours are gorgeous and it was so generous of you. I don’t think I will ever use it though and it would be an awful waste for it to live in a cupboard. What do you think I should do with it?

If it’s genuinely lovely, can’t you use it as a key dish in the hall? Or a fruit bowl?

I hear you @B0D . I think some people buy things they enjoy buying and then they give them away. They don't have to dust it then. Win win, for them. As PPs have said, you can do what you like with the object, it's not up to anyone but you to decide what happens to it once it's been gifted to you.

It's such a shame Belfast sinks can be so unforgiving when we wash our precious possessions with slippery soap or there's ebay.

Guilt? Nah. If they're ignoring your wishes they don't deserve that emotion.

Sell them on Vinted.

Lots of replies, thanks! there’s lots to compare

@myplace I like your idea of putting the problem to the giver and will do that.
“huge beautiful hand painted dish I have no space or use for” is why I can’t use it as a key dish. Doesn’t fit in any of my kitchen cabinets, I live in a space with very few surfaces or storage.

I know it cost a lot and they were proud of their choice and will be hurt.

I don’t want to give it away without saying anything as it was chosen for me and I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

Do you have outside space @B0D ? Could you use it as a saucer for a plant pot? Or a bird bath?

Just ask for vouchers dont mention charity shops because that is just more tatt for your house.

You say thankyou and then sell it on eBay unless they visit a lot which if thats the case you put it in a cupboard and get it out for visits

Store it under your bed until everyone has forgotten about it then donate to charity

I would be hurt if you specifically told me you donated a recently bought gift to charity.

I haven’t a problem giving away as gifts or selling low value items as most people who know me understand.

This relative likes to spend a lot and I am frugal, I try and ask for low value tokens or consumables.

I feel so conflicted, on one hand - don’t want to upset them, on the other - they don’t know me at all and bought something they would like.

I would put it in the garden but think it s not frost resistant. And they would still be upset.

After all the feedback Im grateful for. I think I will have to ask the giver what would be best. They already know it’s not wanted and stored away.

You don't want to upset them? So you upset yourself by accepting things you can't use or don't need.

Next time: thank you, but this is too big for me. Can you change it for a voucher?

And if you can't do that, then bite the bullet and charity shop the stuff.

I would put it in the garden but think it s not frost resistant.

Result! Roll on winter. Problem solved.

even if you had been specifically asked for a book token or something?

That's quite an arrogant attitude to have, "i know what you want and you don't" is how it comes across.

Tough. I wouldn't put up with anyone effectively telling me how to use my space.

Well i would give what is asked for personally, but i think saying your gift was so shit that i couldn't bare to look at it so i sent it.to cancer research is quite arrogant and hurtful it doesn't matter how kindly said you are still saying it was a worthless gift.

I just say thank you & put it straight into a charity shop bag. I had a relative who always asked what I wanted then followed up with some random trinket or dust-gatherer. The gift would go straight into a back so it was out of sight. Helped me to care less about it!

I understand it's annoying when you've specifically said you don't want 'stuff' but if it's really beautiful surely you can find a space for it. You must have some surface space free.

But you were specifically asked for something. And then you give something they don't want?

Tough. Once it's in my possession I will decide what to do with it.