How to manage unwanted gifts

[B0D]

I get really anxious when people give things and I don’t seem to be able to communicate that well

For years I’ve been saying: book token, charity donations or something from a charity shop is fine, but they insist on spending and wasting money. I get that it’s their money to spend but I always feel so unheard and invisible in the process.

The best gift would be if they listened to me. Buying me something feels like their gratification is being met and my feelings are ignored.

Should I try telling them all gifts will be given to charity? Or that I will actually be very hurt / offended if they buy anything else for me?

I’m aware I am unusual that I can’t receive things, but am now looking at a huge beautiful hand painted dish I have no space or use for that must have cost around £300. This was given by a close relative, they are aware I don’t use it and am unlikely to ever, but it was chosen with care and love.

I think you need to be more specific.
Just saying "charity shop" is far to vague and you could have been given exactly the same dish if someone had donated one.
Start giving a wish list of very specific (low value) things that you actually would like to receive.
If you like books - don't ask for a book voucher - ask for an actual book.
There is no harm is saying "For my birthday I would love to receive a copy of the latest book by Favourite Author. I really want to read it. Thanks".

I mean by all means put it in a charity bag and send it on it's way but I don't think specifically telling the person is helpful and it is hurtful, buying a vase or whatever is hardly an insult to a person,

well no, you don't need to tell them. On the other hand if you want them to stop wasting their money (and your time) maybe a bit of tactful truth might help.

Yes i agree,

so they know already, they know it’s put away and why because they asked where it was and I told them.

I don’t want to give it away. If I could fit it I’m a cupboard I would but it’s huge and the scale for a huge house. I really dont have a space for it that wouldn’t be completely dominated. and would rather they took it and enjoyed it themselves in their own huge house.

Because that is exactly how the OP's relative is likely to be: an arrogant, selfish and entitled person.

This is why I don't accept gifts at all. I can't bear people wasting money on me by buying something I don't want or stressing themselves out trying to come up with something. But I also hate being prescriptive and saying "just book tokens" so I keep it simple and just make it clear I don't do presents. I actually don't do even the tiniest recognition of my birthday.

So much more pleasant an experience for me.

I just say thank you and smile and then either donate or sell the item. I've never been asked about the gifts someone gave me, people don't really notice whether you use the stuff they gave you or not. However, I agree that it depends on the giver and some people would take feedback easily while otherswouldn't. If you've noticed this tendency in some people, ask them to stop with the gift exchange altogether and switch to smartshiw 3d video cards instead, with reasons being "Too little space in the house" or something like that. Sometimes putting a stop to gifts is easier than trying to make people hear you.

I'll dm you my address as I'd love to receive a great gift if that's ok? I could do with cheering up. I would probably treasure it.

@InconsideratelyThoughtful
That is so funny !

I personally don't think u can give the bowl back. How about subscription to a magazine? I like a physical copy but u can get digital access too.

If they take so little heed of what you've said before re. gifts, then they might not notice or care as much as you think if you no longer have it.

As someone has said upthread, it is yours now to do as you please with. They got their pleasure from choosing it and giving it to you, they didn't listen or really think about whether you'd like it, so your guilt about disposing of it is misplaced.

I wouldn't ask, just dispose of it and let it bring someone else joy.

I don’t want to give it away without saying anything as it was chosen for me and I don’t want to hurt their feelings

But they don't care about your feelings. You have told them you don't want large gifts, whether in monetary or physical terms and they ignore your feelings, prioritising their own desire to feel good about their 'generous' gift to you.

They weren't putting much thought into 'what would B0D like and what would be suitable for her home' when they chose a large and expensive bowl when they know you have no space and have asked for low price consumables or book tokens.

Will it fit under the bed or bottom of the wardrobe until Christmas/their birthday and regift it back to them?

Otherwise I would sell it and maybe buy a smaller bowl in a similar style, make a donation to charity and also spend some of the money on books, so you do get the gift you actually want.

To repeat. They don't care about your feelings, so don't feel you have to care about theirs.

Just accept it and give it to the charity shop if you didn't like your gift.

With immediate family if I didn’t like the gift I would return it and ask for them to exchange it as I wouldn’t want to waste their money.

With everyone else I would regift/donate/sell.

I think you are being a bit precious to be honest. Everybody is given gifts they don’t like. The ability to receive gifts graciously is just basic good manners.

Everyone doesn’t get given a £300 gift though. Usually it’s the old bayliss and Harding etc. easier to give away.