Teenage DDs, what's acceptable re room tidying, meals etc

[Secondtonaan]

I have 2 dds 14 and 12.

They are good kids, doing well at school, kind to others, lots of friends.

I just want to get a feeling on what's acceptable or normal in terms of tidiness and doing things for themselves. My parents were really strict so I don't know if my expectations are wrong or they're just selfish buggers.

Their rooms are such a mess, plates never brought down, crisp packets all over the floor. If they sharpen a pencil they just leave the sharpenings on the side, labels from new clothes just ripped off and left. I leave their clean clothes out for them to put away so I don't have to tell them where things are but they just end up on the floor. We have a cleaner every 2 weeks and I ask that they tidy their rooms before she comes so she can clean properly but DD12 never does and I have to do it.

I work FT and have caring responsibilities. Just so pissed off that they leave things so messy .. I bought DD14 a skirt and top she wanted, paid for express delivery as we're on holiday next week and it's just in a pile on the floor with a wet towel.

Is this just what they're like??!! Dont mind a bit of mess but it feels so disrespectful.

Sorry to break it to you, but yes absolutely this is what teenagers are like (everyone's different, you can't generalise blah blah but you get me). It's weird with girls especially as they can turn incredibly fastidious about things like their hair or skincare but then live in an absolute pit with their expensive skincare rolling around on a mouldy plate or similar, doesn't seem to compute but there it is!

My loose rule for mine, girls and boy, now grown up, was they could do what they liked in their rooms and with their own things so long as it didn't affect the rest of the household - so bringing down dirty plates and cutlery was pretty much my one firm line that I would nag and shout and withdraw privileges etc until they did it, as otherwise the whole house would have had nothing to eat off due to every plate, teaspoon and water glass in the house being hoarded in a teen bedroom.

Otherwise I was pretty hands off and just tried not to look in there more than I had to (told the cleaner not to bother unless the room was clear, 9 times out of 10 it wasn't clear so no clean bedroom for them), so things like pencil shavings or crisp packets on the floor or clothes not folded and put away I'd have said were none of my business, only affecting them and their environment so their choice to tidy up or not. Laundry was a bit of a battleground as like yours mine would leave carefully ironed (by me not them I hasten to add) clean piles in scrumpled heaps on the floor muddled up with wet towels and sweaty socks, and would never ever as requested put their dirties into the provided hampers to be washed, and would then cry and say their life was ruined when they had no clean sports kit for a match or their favourite hoody was dirty or the one and only possible top they could wear to go out creased and stained, but I tried hard to hold firm to that being their own lookout (although I would help them do a quick emergency wash and tumble dry if the apolcalypse had started in sufficient time), I wish I could say it only took a few disasters and they learned, but alas no it repeated until they grew up and somehow magically learnt how to manage their own laundry...

I know it's really hard seeing the lovely room you've provided and decorated and made comfortable for them descend into a Shrek-esque swamp cave but it's only for a few years and they do emerge out the other side as functional, clean adults, I promise!

The one thing I'd share as a piece of advice from coming out the other side of 3 x teenagers is don't take anything personally. Really I'd try to get out of the mindset of them not taking care of things you've bought for them as disrespect to you. I know logically it is disrespectful but I promise you they're not purposefully doing it to annoy you. Just like how a toddler throwing their carefully hand made lunch on the floor isn't disrespecting the effort you made to make it, a teenager's brain isn't really set up with the executive functioning power to properly comprehend how much hard work you've had to do to provide them a nice home and expensive clothes and so on, or with the empathy and emotional intelligence to understand how it makes you feel when they damage or ruin their things. It's hard when on a lot of levels they seem like mini adults but actually in terms of impulse control, forward planning and interest in the feelings of other people they're still very immature - particularly when you're arguing or telling them off as then they can just revert to tantrum mode completely...

@NoctuaAthene
You have absolutely described my teen son's bedroom down to a tee! Not skincare but something equally expensive and important will definitely be rolling around on a mouldy plate! I often make him do a sweep of his room as we regularly have no glasses and teaspoons left in the kitchen for anybody else. He is very into cleanliness and appearance but unfortunately that doesn't spread to his bedroom. I now say if dirty clothes aren't placed into a basket then they won't be washed. I wouldn't inflict it on our cleaner but a cleaner probably couldn't get in there anyway as the floor is a minefield. The only thing I do is put away dirty clothes because I just can't cope with seeing a pile of clean stuff thrown on the floor. They will be thrown on the floor once worn but I can't control that. I just shut the door and leave it. I used to deep clean it and tidy it every so often but I gave up as it just returned to a filthy mess in days. You have however given me hope that ds won't always be like this!

Teenagers are messy shock news!!

Thanks all, yeah maybe I just need to relax a bit but I HATE MESS!!! They have friends over heaps and I'm embarrassed. Then DD12 developed a hideous rash as she was using a makeup sponge that had been festering with a load of other crap and was really dusty.

Very right that it's not personal and impulse control is not fully developed. The nag/ignore tightrope is a hard one to walk.

We have a no plates rule for bedrooms but cups and glasses disappear at an alarming rate up there!! I try and have a glass amnesty every week to get them down and I try not to be cross at the number! Ds has his own washing basket and has been responsible for his washing since 14. Other than that his room is his own and unless it stinks I never go in. The clothes thing does both me but he is the one that has to wear them so I'm leave him to it.

My kids, now adults, weren’t allowed to eat in their rooms. I would stop the cleaner going in. Everything else I’d let go.

Mine aren't allowed food in their rooms 🤷‍♀️ see no reason why they can't eat in the kitchen/dining area, it's a few steps away from their room.
I expect them to put their laundry away, and I also expect them to do laundry when asked.
They both used to leave a disgusting mess in the bathroom sinks so they now both have a sink to clean - strangely, they're much better now.

DD also leaves things lying around, and it drives me crazy especially if it's something expensive.

Your house your rules.

If you want them to tidy it up right now they tidy it up right now.

I know it's so hard to ignore it and not to nag but I realised the nagging doesn't really make a difference and just stresses ourselves out. It always leads to things being "lost" in the mess too which they always want help finding. How they can live like that, I'll never understand. I used to keep my room lovely when I lived at home but hey ho. I have hope that they
will all become houseproud and tidy in later life!

I have a rigid only water upstairs rule and it has to be in a bottle. No cutlery / crockery upstairs.

if something needs to be washed it goes in the washing basket. I am not touching their rooms. If they don’t tidy, the cleaner doesn’t clean. If they don’t have any clothes, they know how to get them clean.

Everything else I just shut the door on.

i remember my mum going on at me
for a tidy room and it used to drive me mad. It’s a teenage phase.

Not all teenagers are like this at all. I am pretty relaxed about mess but scummy is something else. I have never allowed mine to eat upstairs. If her room ever got horrendous and clean stuff was being dumped, I just stopped doing her washing for a while, soon got her back on track.

Yes, teenagers are messy but that’s no reason to allow it to get out of hand and allow them or their rooms to be disgusting and unhygienic. I also think it’s an important life skill for them to learn and understand that if they live in chaos they will be chaotic.

Tidying before the cleaner comes should be non-negotiable.

If they can’t be trusted with food in their room, no food in the room.

I will take personally that I launder clothes only to find them in a heap on the floor. That’s basic lack of respect.

Have they ever done anything around the house?

I got so fed up with mugs being left in DD(15)s room that I enforced a rule that for every mug I had to bring down, that was £1 off her allowance that week. After a couple of weeks of me actually doing this, the problem is now solved.

No. It really pisses me off as they're not selfish at all but just make anything into an argument (it's not my turn! I've been at school all day! Blah blah) so not worth it. I know I should set boundaries and enforce them.

My views totally. Just doesn't seem to work here!!!

This is it exactly!! Then I have to spend 30 mins looking for Gymshark shorts which are under so much crap they can't find them. At 11 at night because she's forgotten to pack PE bag. ARGHHHHH

16 year old DS here, just post GCSE.

Exactly the same. I have said that I will no longer be doing his laundry. So if it’s on the floor that’s where it’s staying, and i can’t get annoyed about where he puts the clean room.

He has another room for homework/hanging out and that has to remain tidier but constant battle to bring glasses down and put wrappers in the bin.

Totally agree, clean ironed clothes just dumped with wet towels, plates, glasses, it’s infuriating. As you say, then they lose stuff in the chaos which you have to search for or replace. Or- they take mine. So I’m trying to dress for work and have no hairbrush/makeup/tweezers etc. That’s the tipping point for sanctions here.

Well I was strict and now Ds's bedrooms are tidy, clean, bedding washed weekly, by them, no wet towels ever left on the floor they are returned to the heated towel rail to dry. They are 22 and 19.

I made daily tidying part of their routine so it meant they only had a teeny amount to do every day and when they were little I stood over them. Everything has a place and so it goes back into it.

They also have chores and did from late primary, dishwasher, stripping their beds, bins. Everything they took off their body went into a central laundry baskets and no food ever in their rooms. They have water, as do we.

I think leaving clothes, towels, plates, make up whatever out means they don't understand the value of the things they have or how good they have it. They haven't had to work to earn it, usually it is just provided or gifted, not earned working a job and earning the pittance minimum wage would give them. I grew up quite poor so anything we had was earned and we understood the concept of money.

I know people will say it is their room but they are meant to be learning to be fully functioning adults. They have so little responsibility at this age, tidying their room is not a huge ask. I think the parents who sprinkle wild rice into little piles and declare mice must be living in the bedroom are genius. I mean who wants mice crawling in their bed whilst they sleep? Potentially by leaving food out in their room this could happen.

Genuinely, it would not cross my mind to look for their PE shorts at 11pm. I don’t even think I knew what days they had PE in secondary school.

13yo only gets her pocket money if she’s helpful around the house, which for us means helping with dinner, the table, doing odd jobs when we ask without complaining, which she generally does.

Her room is a tip and we’ve just banned eating up there because it was becoming a health hazard, and I’m sticking to my guns on that one.

Clothes… They make it to the laundry basket to be washed, but rarely get put away unless I nag. She’ll do it when I bag though so I’m biting my tongue here.

Wet towels are currently running at a 50p dock from pocket money when I find them on the floor, which is helping a bit 😉

The rest of it, someone on here pointed out that it is their room at the end of the day, so as long as it’s not a health hazard I’m trying to rein in my whingeing and let them get on with a bit. Sympathies though, it’s so annoying!

Then I have to spend 30 mins looking for Gymshark shorts which are under so much crap they can't find them. At 11 at night because she's forgotten to pack PE bag. ARGHHHHH

Actually, you don't. I made a conscious decision in the last half of Yr6, first half of Yr 7 to stop doing stuff like that. Yes, she forgot stuff. Yes there were days she had the wrong books/kit and got told off. But she learnt. I figured it was better to let her find out at this stage than still be doing it in Yr 10. I decided the teachers would be more lenient in Yr 7 than later and she had to take some responsibility herself.
She now sorts her bag the night before.

I'm afraid I nag!
DS is pretty good, despite having ADHD. He keeps his floor clear, and doesn't take Lego models into his room which is his main tiny-bits activity. If he sees a plate or bowl somewhere else in the house he dumps it near the kitchen. Especially if it's in the play room because that's his gaming space.
DD is appalling and has had a recent episode of constipation with overflow so it's pooey pants as well as food and hair she's hacked off, and just plain rubbish.
I make her have a go at it a couple of times a week with a bribe or threat. I watch intermittently and suggest the next category of things to tidy (e.g. get the books off the floor first) because I know that helps me too.

Wet towels are currently running at a 50p dock from pocket money when I find them on the floor, which is helping a bit genius!