Teenage DDs, what's acceptable re room tidying, meals etc

[Secondtonaan]

I have 2 dds 14 and 12.

They are good kids, doing well at school, kind to others, lots of friends.

I just want to get a feeling on what's acceptable or normal in terms of tidiness and doing things for themselves. My parents were really strict so I don't know if my expectations are wrong or they're just selfish buggers.

Their rooms are such a mess, plates never brought down, crisp packets all over the floor. If they sharpen a pencil they just leave the sharpenings on the side, labels from new clothes just ripped off and left. I leave their clean clothes out for them to put away so I don't have to tell them where things are but they just end up on the floor. We have a cleaner every 2 weeks and I ask that they tidy their rooms before she comes so she can clean properly but DD12 never does and I have to do it.

I work FT and have caring responsibilities. Just so pissed off that they leave things so messy .. I bought DD14 a skirt and top she wanted, paid for express delivery as we're on holiday next week and it's just in a pile on the floor with a wet towel.

Is this just what they're like??!! Dont mind a bit of mess but it feels so disrespectful.

I don't know, she's packing her bag for the next day and can't find what she needs.

This is a real issue but consistency and clear standards are key, as are consequences, both natural and enforced.

Mine (now 13 & 17) have their list of chores and personal responsibilities. Chores are part of being a team in the house and personal responsibilities are part of life skills!

They cannot eat in their rooms, they must clean their rooms weekly and leave them in a fit state daily. They do their own laundry on their allocated day. They have a list of their own chores which get done on “cleaning day” when we all spend the time doing the weekly “big clean”.

During the week they are expected to wash up, do the dishwasher, maybe feed or walk the dogs, various little bits to help out.

They are responsible for their own things for school / college. If they forget, then that’s on them!

This doesn’t mean we have glistening rooms, but it does mean that, in the main, we aren’t descending too far into swamps before they are pulled out of it, and they do know that this isn’t allowed or acceptable. It sometimes takes some “big talks”, but the 17yo now states how she can see she is more mature and sensible than some of her college peers around things and puts it down to being made to take responsibility earlier.

My 14 yo tidies his room at the weekend because he likes to make it neat and rearrange things. In the week it looks like a pig stye. I have to remind him to bring down crockery. The towel is often on the bathroom floor. I never pick it up or tidy for him. If it's wet next time he needs it, thats his problem.

PE is the only lesson I know when it is! Precisely because of the kit and caboodle that’s needed for it.

My DS has to tidy his room every day so it's not a mess, it doesn't take long. Bed made every morning before school, dirty washing goes in the laundry basket, bedroom tidy after he's been in it doing his homework etc. If he doesn't do his jobs he can't go on his phone or watch TV until it is done. One of the conditions of pocket money is he keeps his room tidy and he's used to it so it's easy and takes him a few minutes every day

I would have told her that I knew they were washed and she needed to look until she found them.

PE is the only lesson I know when it is! Precisely because of the kit and caboodle that’s needed for it.

For your own PE lesson yes, but not a child in secondary school.

Help them to help themselves. Ensure they have good storage and encourage them to declutter regularly. (Introduce them to vented and allow them to keep any money they make). Hooks are really handy for keeping things off the floor. If returning towels to the bathroom is a bone of contention, a hook on the back of the bedroom door could be a compromise. Do they have a bin and laundry basket it their rooms.
I would ban food and drinks upstairs, seems unnecessary and just another source of mess. Just allow a water bottle.
I would also insist on the bed being made daily. Sheets changed weekly.

Mine isn’t like that… yet. However, she did grow up doing chores and helping with things so she’s kind of used to it. She might ask to do it later/the next day , which is fair enough sometimes.
She cleans her bedroom, does her bin , puts her laundry away and dirty clothes in the wash basket ,does the dishes every weeknight . Occasionally she helps with other stuff as needed. She’s a pretty chilled kid and we do have a set routine that (mostly) works , which I think massively helps.

Mine are 16 and 17.
For the last few years they have been in charge of their own rooms and do their own washing. Same goes for getting themselves up and to school.
Their rooms can be a shit tip at times - but they live in them not me. I like to think I’m encouraging their independence…

My DS is 12 and this week I have blocked Roblox until he deep cleaned his shelves (removed everything, dusted then put back what he wants to keep) and today he cleaned the toilets.

That would not be allowed here. No food upstairs. Pencil sharpening, if I spotted that I would go and find DS and make him clear up after himself. In this house beds have to be made before school, dirty clothes put in the washing basket as soon as they are taken off and clean clothes packed away as soon as they are brought in. A bit of general untidiness is fine but he is expected to give his room a proper tidy up if I think it has got out of hand.

What are the consequences for their rooms being filthy and untidy? It sounds like there are none and you run around after them doing the work for them.

No food allowed in bedrooms. The secret I believe is to start them young. Usually by the time they hit teens, it’s hard to undo bad habits! My kids were taught from around 4-5yrs old to help by putting the clean folded clothes away (obviously I helped as they were only tiny!) We taught them also to put one set of toys away before taking out another…so put Lego away before taking out Hot Wheels etc. Dirty clothes came off bodies, turned the right way out and put straight into laundry basket….my friends used to tease that I was like a little general running my house…but my kids are now 18 and 22, their bedrooms/uni rooms are clean, neat and tidy, beds made when they wake up and left tidy, they help around the house…and my friends’ kids live like they were dragged up by wolves! Who’s laughing now?! 🤭So my advice is to nip it in the bud, lay down the rules re food in bedroom, let them know there’s repercussions to throwing clothes in floors (they get taken away!)…it’s your house and theirs, work together to make it liveable not a slum!

I have 3 boys, youngest are 18 and 19 and still live with me. They have mostly done their own washing since they were about 12/13, know how to cook, clean etc. If they want to live like heathens in their rooms that's on them, I don't go in there very often. If they cook and make a mess they clean it up or feel my wrath 🤣 My youngest was VERY challenging when was about 14/15 in terms of general disrespect, refusing school, disappearing with his mates etc. He's come out of it now but still needs a rocket up his arse to help with the general house cleaning.

My daughters not 11 yet but some rules we have are
Dirty clothes must be brought down every day or every time there’s a clothing change. Certain school uniform items that don’t need changing every day must be hung up or put away tidily.
Rubbish straight into her little bin unless it’s food, which must be brought down right away and put in kitchen bin. Any skipping of this rule results in no food in room at all. Snacks are allowed in room but not meals. This means plates and bowls generally don’t end up in rooms but if they do they come down straight after use. I’m not so strict with cups and glasses but I want them down before the end of the days. I generally expect room to be tidied before bed.
Bin is emptied whenever it’s full.
No food or drinks are allowed on the on the bed.

Decide what you feel is acceptable.
Clearing for the cleaner would be a non-negotiable for me - if the cleaner can't clean then the child would have to.
Plates etc from food, I reminded, and expected it to happen.
Personally I think if they have a little bin then they should use it for pencil shavings.

I think they both need a checklist for every day chores and some that are on certain days of the week.
Eg Tuesday and Sunday put away clothes.
Mondays - empty bin in room

Every time leave room - look for plates and mugs, bring them down.

I was like this as a teen, not intentionally I just didn't 'see' the piles to be put away!
I still struggle so much with organizing cleaning, dying, ironing and putting away my own and my toddlers laundry. Ave almost 49 My mum now has started taking a thing of laundry away for me when she visits and brings it back folded and ironed and I still struggle now to put it away before she visits next 😫😫😫😫😜😜

Didn't mean to post 🤪

My messy teenagers are now grown men and surprisingly manage to keep their own homes pretty clean and tidy! One has a caring job and has to clean on a daily basis and it's definitely rubbed off on his own flat. But their teenage rooms were grim!

The only thing I got cross and nagged about was bringing down plates and mugs which used to drive me mad 😠 other than that, I would insist on them stripping and remaking their beds at the weekend and I only washed clothes if they were brought downstairs, I wouldn't pick up dirty clothes from their bedroom floors. Every now and again they'd have a big tidy and then I would clean and hoover. Mostly I just shut the door and tried not to stress about the mess - as long as they were keeping themselves clean and getting their schoolwork done! Sometimes you have to pick your battles with teenagers 😏