BIG WARNING - Don't bother with Cruse bereavement care unless you're over the age of 60

[Ilovepastafortea]

Don't bother with them. In 1994 (I was 31 years old, late DH same age - 7 days older than me).

When my husband committed suicide (he was the manager of local Arts Centre) I contacted Cruse & was invited to just call into their regular meeting in the local Arts Centre, they wouldn't have known this but that my husband ran. it

I walked up the High St, confronted by newspaper A boards outside shops saying 'Local Arts Centre Manager found Dead on Boxing Day' (it was me who found him dead on the living room carpet in a mess of vomit etc (an overdose is not pretty) early on Boxing Day morning) into the Arts Centre with his picture still showing draped in black in the reception area saying 'Martin Our Manager', past his office door which still had his name on it, went to the room was greeted at the door by a woman who told me that I'd obviously lost my way as this was a meeting for the bereaved & the Weight Watchers was down the corridor- at the time I weighed 5.5 stone - very underweight not that makes a difference, it was the fact that she assumed that a woman in her 30's wasn't bereaved despite the fact that the manager of the facility in which they were holding their meeting was in his early 30's & they knew that he'd killed himself.

I just left, crying.

Since then I have always told people to avoid Cruse.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that sounds like an awful experience, but I think you're focusing on the wrong thing if you're still looking at something that happened in 1994 and was basically one person being a dick, not the whole organisation.

sorry you had a bad experience

mine on the other hand was very good

dh died 2011 via suicide - we were both 37

and I had cruse counselling for just under a year. My lady was great and very supportive

That sounds like an awful, but very niche experience with an organization.

I’m sorry for your loss but you really need to get some counselling now in order to move on.

This sounds like a person’s judgemental position rather than the entire charity. Hopefully, other people can offer supporting stories of the long running bereavement charity.

I had a very good experience with Cruse after my son killed himself. A very wise and genuinely attentive woman gave me a longish series of telephone appointments (it was during lockdown). Miles better than, eg, Samaritans.

I think that when you are bereaved there is an awful lot of anger, OP, and it has to be directed somewhere. Perhaps that is why you ruminate a lot on one daft individual and hold the entire organisation to account for it three decades later?

I have plenty of irrational anger swishing around. For example I feel furious with the funeral directors for a couple of minor things, and seethe whenever I drive past their premises.

Very sorry for your loss but how was any of this, other than the woman’s insensitive comment, the fault of Cruse? How were they to know that the arts centre would be an especially difficult place for you to visit?

Has this situation (about Cruse, I don’t mean your husband’s tragic death) impacted you all of these years, or has something brought this to the surface lately?

Really pleased to hear that you two have good experiences. But my experience sent me into a big depression. If I hadn't have been pregnant at the time I'd have killed myself & have made serious attempts several times since.

I can't get over the fact that, at the time, no-one seemed to care. I got the basic 5 days bereavement leave from work, no more as my manager suggested that I throw myself into my work to distract me. I worked in the local Jobcentre & people would ask to see someone other than me, people would cross the street to avoid me as if suicide was contagious.

Once I had my DS I moved away from the area close to my parents & transferred my job to where no-one knew about why I was widowed & life got better. I still have dark times when I feel responsible & want to kill myself. However, my DH understands & looks after me. I'm very much more delicate mentally than I was & would have benefited from some support at the time. But my late DH has been dead for longer than he was alive & you'd think that I'd had recovered. But not really.

I'm sorry, but your warning is of no relevance to anyone today, thirty years on. Nor to anyone in a different area or who does not have the same triggering location.

You are clearly not doing well, and are still focused on one particular event and one particular person from so long ago. It happens to those who are traumatically bereaved, but it's not remotely logical.

Please go to see your GP. The fact that you felt the need to post this today is indicative of some kind of flare up in your mental state.

Take care of yourself, and please tell your DH how you're feeling this evening.

Thank you for your question.

Yes, a young colleague of mine (who I trained & mentored) has recently tried to kill herself & is currently in hospital. She put something on FB that made me concerned about her - I tried to call her, but she didn't respond. I rang her, told her left messages to tell her I was available to talk to any time day or night, I gave her info about Samaritans etc. I now know I didn't do enough because she took an overdose & seriously cut herself & is in hospital - luckily enough not in danger, but they want to keep an eye on her.

I feel that I could have done more to help her - she lives about 80 miles away, I'm thinking that I should have driven up to see her & maybe I could have stopped her.

DH says that I did everything that I could. I know that in my head, But she still did it. In the old days I would cut or burn myself to 'punish' myself for not doing more (my body is a mass of self-created scars) but I know DH would get upset & that stops me.

But… you choose to go to a meeting at the arts centre, knowing that your h ha worked there, and having a bad experience with one woman doesn’t mean the whole organisation is bad. This was 1994. It’s not healthy to hold on to pain and bitterness for so long.

You did everything you could for this young woman. You are not responsible in any way for what she did. That’s down to her. Please don’t beat yourself up.

Have you considered counselling?

Why are you potentially putting people off accessing something that might help them, due to one experience you had with one individual 30 years ago??!!

I'm sorry you had a bad experience but I really don't think you should be trying to discourage people from accessing something that might help them based on this one situation. What you went through doesn't mean the whole organisation is awful. Do you see that?

Oh gosh, this happened to me in 1997 when my husband died. I was 26 and turned up at a Cruse meeting and the woman running it was horrible to me and I was told it wasn't appropriate and to go elsewhere. I was so shocked.

OP, the issue yiu had with Cruse was 30 years ago. It is not relevant to other people today.
But you clearly still need support - both as someone who was widowed at a young age,
and as a survivor of bereavement by suicide.

I'm sure you know that there are a number of organisations that could help you. They will also tell you that all suicides are only ever the responsibility of the person who chooses to end their life. You are not responsible and, somehow, you need to find a way to lose the feelings of guilt that you describe.

I’m sorry you had that experience OP but it was 30 years ago and one insensitive woman. You can’t expect that one unfortunate experience 30 years ago will be the same for everyone else across the country today.

Maybe just warning people that Cruse is a self-help organisation & tends to be run by older people because they tend to be the ones who are more likely to be bereaved.

For the person who asked about why I went to the the place where I knew my late DH had managed. Frankly, I wasn't expecting them to have his photo on the wall with a black cloth around it, I'd rather assumed that they would have removed his name from his office door. Also it was the local Arts Centre with a performing space where they used as cinema showing weekly movies when my DH was alive they had bands playing & a smaller space with a bar where they had regular folk groups, local bands playing etc. It was a community centre &, if I wanted to meet with Crise (or go to Weight Watchers. Craft clubs, play badminton etc) that was the place to go - I was told that was were Cruse met. I had no choice.

Possibly Cruse is the best option for older people - I just think that there are better organisations for younger widows.

I'm sorry, but your advice is 30 years out of date and is simply scaremongering.

You are not responsible for anybody else's mental health. If somebody ends their own life it is 100% their own business.

You really don't sound well OP, have you seen your GP recently? Medication, counselling..

I’m very sorry you had this experience but it sounds like it is tied up with lots of other terrible experiences too.
we lost my father in 1995, my mums was 44 so definitely not ‘old’ Cruise were amazing for her and she even went on to be a counsellor for them and in turn has helped many others. It is a voluntary group and as with all groups like this you will get people that shouldn’t be there but the majority are there with the best intentions and help many people each year.

I’m so sorry that your husband lost his life so young and for everything you went through. Traumatic situations can feel as hard today as they did 30 years ago so I understand why you posted.

I’m so sorry this is still so present in your mind tonight. You did reach out to your young colleague and her attempt wasn’t your fault whether you had reached out to her or not. The person doing the act is always ultimately the one responsible, but always deserves compassion because of the pain they’re in - your late Dh, my late Dh, your colleague and you.

Do you think you might hurt yourself tonight? Do you have anyone to talk to?

I’m glad you are seeing this nurse next week, @Ilovepastafortea - please make it clear to her what is going on with you and insist on an appropriate referral. It is so very sad that you are still feeling this way after three decades and I hope you can find a way to cope and move on.

Thank you for your kind words.

In the past I would cut or burn myself. But my lovely DH would feel so hurt if I hurt myself that stops me. My body is covered with scars where I've hurt myself (as well as operation scars as I've had several major ops & used to fool myself that if I cut myself near the operation scars it wouldn't notice) But DH knows all my scars & would be so upset & blame himself I can't do it.

I'm going to have an early night.

Many thanks to you all - you are such supportive kind people. God Bless you all. x

I'm sorry OP💐

You can contact NHS Direct option 2 for support. CALM have a helpline and webchat.