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Original poster

Lending friend money on a regular basis

53 replies

Legoandloldolls · 17/07/2025 18:39

I have lent my friend money in the past. She has always paid me back and generally I don't mind. She has been out of work or in a tight situation. Now she has moved in with her partner and tells me they both have savings, socail rent which is cheaper than her last private rental and I presume being split 50:50 so this time I don't feel like she is being honest about either of them having savings.

Her rent has gone up unexpectedly but it's her partners house. She is saying she has no way to pay the increase which suggests no savings, no buffer at all. She isn't looking at her partner to cover it either it seems as she is asking me. She needs 100% of the increase. I'm happy to lend her as I'm sure she pay me back. But this feels amiss. Either she is hiding her financial worries from her partner and has zero buffer. Or she feels more comfortable asking me than him. Her adult children are also well off.

I have two school age kids. I'm not sure I want to be the fall back everytime. I don't want to judge either but she has money for luxury items which suggests she spends and there's no consideration of saving a little buffer. But I do obvs as I do have the cash to spare.

Basically I don't want to be a ongoing first choice for money when she is now working and living with a partner. I'm basically being responsible for his rent? When I have lent in the past she's been in financial fix with no wages and no income. She is working right now. Is it mean to presume there's no savings at all? I need to have a word about how they going to cover the rent going forwards. Which isn't going to land well. But if I'm being asked for a loan I have the right to ask surely?

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 17/07/2025 18:41

Really sorry, Janet, I can't lend you anything now. I sincerely hope you and John can sort this out between you.

CallMeFlo · 17/07/2025 18:43

That would be a firm and definite no from me. A loan because some unexpected bill has come in is one thing but not to cover her rent. If she cant pay it thats going to be a recurring debt and how's she going to keep repaying you.

Dont get any more involved. Shes living with her partner in his flat. Its their problem

rubyslippers · 17/07/2025 18:43

Why on earth are you paying your friend’s rent?’
what sort of weird hold does she have on you that you’re considering her request and scared to ask challenge her about this
your answer is no
There’s a cost of living crisis and you have no spare cash
she and her partner will have to figure it out
that money could be helping you and your family

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General money
cestlavielife · 17/07/2025 18:45

Just stop..
She is not your responsibility financially
Send her to CAB for advice or finance charity

Wishimaywishimight · 17/07/2025 18:46

She has money for luxury items, that's all you need to know! Seriously, put a stop to this now. You're being a bit of a mug. Keep your savings for your own family.

MrsMoastyToasty · 17/07/2025 18:47

Tell her that the Bank of @Legoandloldolls is closed.

Hollyhobbi · 17/07/2025 18:47

Use your money for your kids. She can ask her own adult kids presumably they are working?

Stripeyanddotty · 17/07/2025 18:49

What on earth is wrong with you that you would in any way even consider paying her rent??

Alstromeria · 17/07/2025 18:50

Don't lend her the money OP. She's fully admitting to having no way to pay this increased rent. That's equally applicable to paying you back then, isn't it? It's not a loan it's going to be a gift, you're realistically not going to get it back. And what happens next month, she's going to expect you to pay it again? You can't pay her rent for her indefinitely.

I agree she's not being honest OP. Social housing the rent goes up annually in April by a few pounds. This doesn't tie in with what she's telling you. I'm guessing either -

There's rent arrears built up because they haven't been paying the rent in full and on time.
There's lifestyle factors at play, gambling, excessive credit card debt that's become unmanageable or they're just permanently living beyond their means.
Her boyfriend has gone to prison leaving her to suddenly pay all the rent herself.

If it's the latter she needs to contact the landlord to get herself onto a tenancy agreement, at that point if she's on low income she'll be able to claim universal credit to help with the rent.

OurBeautifulBaby · 17/07/2025 18:52

I can no longer lend you money. Please don’t ask me again.

MsJemimaPuddleDuck · 17/07/2025 18:53

Id just reply “oh i thought you said you and your partner had savings? Could he not use his for the rent increase.” Then change the subject.

do not lend her this money.

Steelworks · 17/07/2025 18:53

I wouldn’t take this any further. Stop the loans straight away. She’s an adult with a partner - they should be sorting this out together. What happens next month, and the month after?

She is taking money out of your children’s mouths.

PuzzlingRecluse · 17/07/2025 18:54

I’m in a similiar situation friend needs help every month with money despite living with partner, has money for meals out, random things, treats. It’s hard to say no when you care & they are upset, saying can’t get to work as no petrol. I’m also a single mum 🙈 So no advice but solidarity!

CalicoPusscat · 17/07/2025 18:55

DON'T lend to her.

Hollyhobbi · 17/07/2025 18:56

PuzzlingRecluse · 17/07/2025 18:54

I’m in a similiar situation friend needs help every month with money despite living with partner, has money for meals out, random things, treats. It’s hard to say no when you care & they are upset, saying can’t get to work as no petrol. I’m also a single mum 🙈 So no advice but solidarity!

Edited

They know how to turn on the waterworks😂

Britneyfan · 17/07/2025 19:04

OP I’m going to take a slightly different tack than everyone else as presumably this is a good friend and has paid you back in the past, and also that you can spare the money right now. I think it’s likely that whatever she needs the money for, she will pay you back ok if that’s your main concern. The cost of living crisis is hitting people very hard and earnings don’t always meet people’s needs at the moment (but I appreciate social housing type rent should not be overly onerous especially between 2 people). I don’t know what the luxuries are but again some people just aren’t good with budgeting or feel that small luxuries keep them going especially when cutting them out wouldn’t fill the gap of what is needed anyway. Not saying that’s your problem to solve at all or that people should not take responsibility for better budgeting if that’s the issue etc but it’s the reality of life.

Of course you don’t have to lend her the money if you don’t want to. But if you are going to do so I agree it’s very reasonable to be asking where the ongoing money for the rent increase is coming from, what the real state of her and her partner’s savings are, and why her partner is unable to help/her wages aren’t enough (this could be framed as offering support with budgeting or at least signposting to somewhere that does that), and checking that her partner is not financially abusing her etc.

I do understand not wanting to be the first port of call when a loan is needed, however it sounds like if you were convinced it was truly needed and would be repaid you might be happier with it? It’s a hard thing to say to a friend, but you could definitely also say that you’re worried you’re becoming the first port of call when money is tight and it puts you in an awkward position/leaves you short yourself. But absolutely at least first check this isn’t a coercive control situation before saying anything that might come across as harsh or unhelpful. Just another point of view. I don’t think you would be being a “mug” to help your friend in a time of need but yes you would absolutely be entitled to ask for details about the situation the same way a bank would if she is involving you in her financial affairs.

OurBeautifulBaby · 17/07/2025 19:05

PuzzlingRecluse · 17/07/2025 18:54

I’m in a similiar situation friend needs help every month with money despite living with partner, has money for meals out, random things, treats. It’s hard to say no when you care & they are upset, saying can’t get to work as no petrol. I’m also a single mum 🙈 So no advice but solidarity!

Edited

Why on earth do you give it when you can see them spending on luxury’s like eating out?

OurBeautifulBaby · 17/07/2025 19:07

Hollyhobbi · 17/07/2025 18:56

They know how to turn on the waterworks😂

Show quote history

They are taking money from a single mother to buy treats and meals out. They should be ashamed.

I bet they don’t bother with these people unless they are on the scrounge.

SummerCity · 17/07/2025 19:11

They are living together as a couple so it’s up to them to sort out their rent and bills now. Nothing to do with you.

OurBeautifulBaby · 17/07/2025 19:12

Britneyfan · 17/07/2025 19:04

OP I’m going to take a slightly different tack than everyone else as presumably this is a good friend and has paid you back in the past, and also that you can spare the money right now. I think it’s likely that whatever she needs the money for, she will pay you back ok if that’s your main concern. The cost of living crisis is hitting people very hard and earnings don’t always meet people’s needs at the moment (but I appreciate social housing type rent should not be overly onerous especially between 2 people). I don’t know what the luxuries are but again some people just aren’t good with budgeting or feel that small luxuries keep them going especially when cutting them out wouldn’t fill the gap of what is needed anyway. Not saying that’s your problem to solve at all or that people should not take responsibility for better budgeting if that’s the issue etc but it’s the reality of life.

Of course you don’t have to lend her the money if you don’t want to. But if you are going to do so I agree it’s very reasonable to be asking where the ongoing money for the rent increase is coming from, what the real state of her and her partner’s savings are, and why her partner is unable to help/her wages aren’t enough (this could be framed as offering support with budgeting or at least signposting to somewhere that does that), and checking that her partner is not financially abusing her etc.

I do understand not wanting to be the first port of call when a loan is needed, however it sounds like if you were convinced it was truly needed and would be repaid you might be happier with it? It’s a hard thing to say to a friend, but you could definitely also say that you’re worried you’re becoming the first port of call when money is tight and it puts you in an awkward position/leaves you short yourself. But absolutely at least first check this isn’t a coercive control situation before saying anything that might come across as harsh or unhelpful. Just another point of view. I don’t think you would be being a “mug” to help your friend in a time of need but yes you would absolutely be entitled to ask for details about the situation the same way a bank would if she is involving you in her financial affairs.

Edited

They should not be relying on a 3rd person to cover their living costs. OP will have her own family to think about.

Alstromeria · 17/07/2025 19:13

PuzzlingRecluse · 17/07/2025 18:54

I’m in a similiar situation friend needs help every month with money despite living with partner, has money for meals out, random things, treats. It’s hard to say no when you care & they are upset, saying can’t get to work as no petrol. I’m also a single mum 🙈 So no advice but solidarity!

Edited

Next time you get this shite from your sponger "friend", don't lend her the money. She'll have to lie and call in sick if she can't get to work or ask her employer for an advance on her next wages.

Instead, offer to sit with her and go through her income and outgoings with her to draw up a budget, so she can see how much she has available for treat-spending each month. Then suggest she takes this amount out of the bank in cash after she's been paid each time and when it's gone it's gone, no more treats until next month.

It's utterly ridiculous that a grown adult isn't managing her own money, so offer to teach her, then she's got no excuses for running out.

If she's not interested in learning how to budget or if she refuses to stick to the budget and comes to you for another loan, then you'll know she's nothing but a user who'll happily bleed you dry just because she can. Which might help you feel better about saying no.

SummerCity · 17/07/2025 19:13

Would she still be as friendly with you if you stopped lending her money? I bet if you put a stop to it she would be off with you.

PurpleChrayn · 17/07/2025 19:14

Mental.

FloofyKat · 17/07/2025 19:15

I think that your previous good naturedness I always lending her money whenever she asks has created a bit of a monster. You’ve enabled her to avoid getting her financial act together so now, rather than do the hard work of sorting things out, she comes to you as if you’re her own personal piggy bank, knowing you’ll cough up.

My view is it would be much better for her in the longer term (and for you) if she accepted her own responsibilities here and started organising her finances in a more grown up way. After all, isn’t she an adult?

I’d tell her that you’re not able to help her this time. And keep saying no to any other requests.

I have never had any friends ask me for loans, not ever. And I wouldn’t ask the same of anyone, either. I think your friend has an unusual approach to her money management!

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/07/2025 19:15

Every penny you give this freeloader you are snatching directly from your DC’s hands.

Just stop.