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Original poster

Lending friend money on a regular basis

53 replies

Legoandloldolls · 17/07/2025 18:39

I have lent my friend money in the past. She has always paid me back and generally I don't mind. She has been out of work or in a tight situation. Now she has moved in with her partner and tells me they both have savings, socail rent which is cheaper than her last private rental and I presume being split 50:50 so this time I don't feel like she is being honest about either of them having savings.

Her rent has gone up unexpectedly but it's her partners house. She is saying she has no way to pay the increase which suggests no savings, no buffer at all. She isn't looking at her partner to cover it either it seems as she is asking me. She needs 100% of the increase. I'm happy to lend her as I'm sure she pay me back. But this feels amiss. Either she is hiding her financial worries from her partner and has zero buffer. Or she feels more comfortable asking me than him. Her adult children are also well off.

I have two school age kids. I'm not sure I want to be the fall back everytime. I don't want to judge either but she has money for luxury items which suggests she spends and there's no consideration of saving a little buffer. But I do obvs as I do have the cash to spare.

Basically I don't want to be a ongoing first choice for money when she is now working and living with a partner. I'm basically being responsible for his rent? When I have lent in the past she's been in financial fix with no wages and no income. She is working right now. Is it mean to presume there's no savings at all? I need to have a word about how they going to cover the rent going forwards. Which isn't going to land well. But if I'm being asked for a loan I have the right to ask surely?

OP posts:
Brendahollowayreconsider · 17/07/2025 19:20

If by social rent you mean council?
If so the rent is set in April new financial year and doesn't go up unexpectedly.
She's lying to you,stop giving her money.

Original poster
Legoandloldolls · 17/07/2025 19:25

The rent has gone up because she has moved in so her partners benefits have been cut. So it's ongoing but I guess out of the blue right now for her. So she wasn't expecting it this month.

Do my concern is

  1. there is no savings
  2. she is bearing the entire increase
  3. dispite moving from private rent to council and splitting the rent she still can't make ends meet.

These three things impact on her ability to pay me back but worse ' this will be ongoing. I never lend her anything while she still owes me money so there's no concern of that. It's my rule.

OP posts:
PuzzlingRecluse · 17/07/2025 19:34

OurBeautifulBaby · 17/07/2025 19:05

Why on earth do you give it when you can see them spending on luxury’s like eating out?

Show quote history

Because she says they expected money to come in, it’s delayed etc.

Then the next weekend they are eating out again (which ironically I can’t afford to do 🤦‍♀️)

I have helped her to budget in the past, she blames adhd that she can’t stick to it.

i do try to say no, but the crying gets to me and I earn more than she does (although I’m alone )

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General money
Shatandfattered · 17/07/2025 19:51

Hello, I live in a housing association home and I get full rent paid due to being a carer. My housing association made me set up a direct debit for the month in arrears gap to be bridged due to the HA expecting it the month prior. They agreed a small monthly amount to allow me minimal financial disruption. I believe your friend either sees you as a soft touch and is financially irresponsible or she is being taken for a fool from the partner. People live with arrears for months before it becomes an actionable breach of tenancy

Frenzi · 17/07/2025 19:53

If they cant afford this months rent they need to contact the landlord and discuss it with them.

Whilst you continue to lend she will continue to ask. What happens if you lend her the money and then have an unexpected expense yourself which you cant afford until she pays you back.

She is an adult - it is not your responsibility to bail her out. You are not doing her any favors by always being there with your money. She needs to learn to sort herself out.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/07/2025 20:10

@Legoandloldolls Have i missed something? if the house belongs to her partner then why has he suddenly increased her rent by a massive unaffordable amount??

DwarfBeans · 17/07/2025 20:56

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/07/2025 20:10

@Legoandloldolls Have i missed something? if the house belongs to her partner then why has he suddenly increased her rent by a massive unaffordable amount??

This is how I read it. I don’t get it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Apocketfilledwithposies · 17/07/2025 21:00

Why is she asking a friend to lend her money on the regular?!

I've never asked a friend to lend me money. Never asked my mum to lend me money even. I was brought up like that and would be too proud to ask! Has she no shame?! And have you no boundaries? Just say no!

Stop lending her money completely. If she truly is your friend she will understand.

cgiwaly · 17/07/2025 21:04

"Do my concern is

  1. there is no savings
  2. she is bearing the entire increase
  3. dispite moving from private rent to council and splitting the rent she still can't make ends meet."

None of that is your concern at all. She is now living with her partner. It's up to them to work things out.
Do not lend her any money for rent. She needs to discuss that with her partner if there's an issue and stop wasting money on luxuries if she can't afford rent.

"Sorry, friend, I'm not in a position to lend you any more money. You'll need to find a solution with your partner"

MarySueSaidBoo · 17/07/2025 21:18

OP you sound like a lovely friend - but you're being used so she can still spend money on luxuries and not make any lifestyle changes. You are enabling her to not take any level of responsibility for her finances.

I had a friend just like this. It was nearly every month at one stage, and she'd get paid blowing the lot on make up, clothes, haircut and then be skint and need help to get through the month. She'd be in tears that she couldn't pay her rent etc. One month, I ended up going short myself as she couldn't pay me back and the final insult was her posting a make up haul from the Dior counter in her lunch break. And it made me feel sick knowing that I'd paid for it. That was the last occasion she had a penny from me.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 17/07/2025 21:27

I think they know you’re a soft touch op

It’s fine to say no which clearly your gut is telling you to. They are cheeky fuckers to ask in the first place and I’d put money on there being no rent increase…

Original poster
Legoandloldolls · 17/07/2025 23:13

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/07/2025 20:10

@Legoandloldolls Have i missed something? if the house belongs to her partner then why has he suddenly increased her rent by a massive unaffordable amount??

His rent has gone up as he has now lost some benefits by her moving in. Bot overall her rent has dramatically gone down by combining rent and moving out of private.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 17/07/2025 23:16

No of course you should not lend more. Her and her partner should sort it.

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 17/07/2025 23:22

Ask her to lend you money as you're short of cash this month & watch how quickly she drops you like a hot potato.

Send her details of temping agencies so she can earn more money doing an extra shift or two.

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 17/07/2025 23:23

Block their numbers on your phone so they can't contact you and block them on social media as well. .

mathanxiety · 17/07/2025 23:45

She's blowing it on gambling.

Don't be a mug.

mathanxiety · 17/07/2025 23:48

Legoandloldolls · 17/07/2025 19:25

The rent has gone up because she has moved in so her partners benefits have been cut. So it's ongoing but I guess out of the blue right now for her. So she wasn't expecting it this month.

Do my concern is

  1. there is no savings
  2. she is bearing the entire increase
  3. dispite moving from private rent to council and splitting the rent she still can't make ends meet.

These three things impact on her ability to pay me back but worse ' this will be ongoing. I never lend her anything while she still owes me money so there's no concern of that. It's my rule.

It
Is
Not
Your
Concern

Alstromeria · 17/07/2025 23:59

Legoandloldolls · 17/07/2025 19:25

The rent has gone up because she has moved in so her partners benefits have been cut. So it's ongoing but I guess out of the blue right now for her. So she wasn't expecting it this month.

Do my concern is

  1. there is no savings
  2. she is bearing the entire increase
  3. dispite moving from private rent to council and splitting the rent she still can't make ends meet.

These three things impact on her ability to pay me back but worse ' this will be ongoing. I never lend her anything while she still owes me money so there's no concern of that. It's my rule.

OP why can't you see?
There. Is. No. Increase.
The rent is the same as it was before.

The difference is she has moved in and the household now has a wage whereas before it didn't, or it had a lower collective wage. Means-tested benefits have reduced due to this.

This is normal, natural and to be expected. If neither of them planned for it, they're knobs, honestly.

It's also totally fair that as she's moved in and her wage has affected his benefits, she pays the shortfall he's now suffered. She's not paying an increased rent, she's paying a shortfall in his benefits that he needs to survive. A shortfall that he's incurred due to her wages. Otherwise why would he move her in if it's going to negatively impact him and leave him in poverty? The only problem is they didn't have a conversation about this before she moved in. So she didn't think of the impact of her moving in and now it's come as a shock to her. Her own lack of thought isn't something you need to bail her out over. It's time she grew up.

If she can't afford half the rent (that's supposedly cheaper than her old rent, unless it was only cheaper because housing benefit (that they're no longer entitled to) was paying it?) and half the bills, then she has two choices. Either she needs to live alone so she has total control over how much the rent is and how much utilities get used, meaning no unexpectedly large bills. Or she's thoughtlessly spending too much on luxuries and socialising, leaving herself short for basic essentials, and so needs to rein in her spending and stick to a budget. Neither if these solutions involves you giving/loaning her money.

If she doesn't like covering his shortfall in benefits because she's moved in, she can move back out again. Instead of lending her money for the rent, why not ask her to pay you her share of the utilities and offer her your sofa to sleep on for a few weeks until she can secure a new house share/HMO/studio flat for herself? Her boyfriend can then reclaim the benefits he lost by her moving in. They can date while living separately until they're in a financial position of being able to afford to live together whilst sustaining their chosen lifestyle.

Alstromeria · 18/07/2025 00:17

i do try to say no, but the crying gets to me and I earn more than she does (although I’m alone )

It's emotional blackmail. She doesn't have to call you up crying about her financial issues. She could cry privately and not saying a word to you about it. Or just mention it but brush you off if you offer to loan her money. But she doesn't. She chooses to ask for money and blackmail you into doing it, instead.

Her ADHD isn't your problem, it's hers and she needs to find ways of living with it. Which includes managing money. She lives with someone. They could both pay their money into a joint account. Then sit down together and draw up budgets for their basic living expenses and transport and food etc. That other person could then take over all responsibility for finances and just hand her the leftover spending money from her earnings after her share of bills is paid, if that's what she needs to stay out of debt.

If she's living with someone, they're supposed to be partners, a team, helping each other out in whatever ways they both need. If she can't manage her finances then her partner needs to do it.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 18/07/2025 00:24

Legoandloldolls · 17/07/2025 18:39

I have lent my friend money in the past. She has always paid me back and generally I don't mind. She has been out of work or in a tight situation. Now she has moved in with her partner and tells me they both have savings, socail rent which is cheaper than her last private rental and I presume being split 50:50 so this time I don't feel like she is being honest about either of them having savings.

Her rent has gone up unexpectedly but it's her partners house. She is saying she has no way to pay the increase which suggests no savings, no buffer at all. She isn't looking at her partner to cover it either it seems as she is asking me. She needs 100% of the increase. I'm happy to lend her as I'm sure she pay me back. But this feels amiss. Either she is hiding her financial worries from her partner and has zero buffer. Or she feels more comfortable asking me than him. Her adult children are also well off.

I have two school age kids. I'm not sure I want to be the fall back everytime. I don't want to judge either but she has money for luxury items which suggests she spends and there's no consideration of saving a little buffer. But I do obvs as I do have the cash to spare.

Basically I don't want to be a ongoing first choice for money when she is now working and living with a partner. I'm basically being responsible for his rent? When I have lent in the past she's been in financial fix with no wages and no income. She is working right now. Is it mean to presume there's no savings at all? I need to have a word about how they going to cover the rent going forwards. Which isn't going to land well. But if I'm being asked for a loan I have the right to ask surely?

As long as you lend her money, she'll rely on you to dig her out. Sorry friend, I dont have it to lend you this time. Maybe sign post her to citizens advice or similar? You definitely need to pull yourself back from this.

Francestein · 18/07/2025 00:27

The cost of living crisis has affected you too. You are barely getting by atm yourself. Definitely not in a position to be lending anyone anything atm, @Legoandloldolls.

theyoungishman · 18/07/2025 00:43

Sorry to be blunt, but you are being a doormat. Nip it in the bud firmly and quickly

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 18/07/2025 11:29

Can't believe you're so gullible . How have you handled this situation with your financially abusive friend? @Legoandloldolls

Branleuse · 18/07/2025 11:31

Pull back from the friendship. Its not a good dynamic

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 18/07/2025 11:32

The list of concerns are solely for your 'friend' to worry about, not you.
Don't give the woman's private business one moment of thought. If she starts talking about her personal finances just end the conversation, don't give her one penny more.

Does the friendship benefit your life?