Need support

[Boborabbit]

My child called me motherfucker tonight. When she was off on one
I never thought I'd be here.
She's 11
Language is disgusting
I know my child has problems with things and I'm not doing this thread for judgement or advice particularly
Just upset and never thought I'd be here and I'm sure I'm dealing with it all wrong
Never thought I'd be here having to deal with all this
It's so hard doing it by yourself dealing with this. Then a part of me gets used to it and hardened to it.
It's all my fault.
I'm finding tonight particularly hard and could do with some support

I am trying to get her help. Waiting for CAMHS
Told her high school what she's like to see what they can offer
But it's me that has to deal with it isn't it

She is fine. I wish she was like it at school.

No no siblings

I probably don't do the right thing

It's a lot to deal with and know what to do and do what I would be doing each time and I'm probably doing the wrong thing and letting her down

But no one sees it it comes out with me so it must be my fault mustn't it

She lashes out at me but says she wants me with her when she's in these states. At the same time. I can't understand

The opposite tends to be true - children lash out with the people they feel the safest with. So that’s a big clue that you’re doing something right.

It IS really hard doing it all by yourself.

You can claw things back to a place you’re more comfortable with. It means picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and deciding what standards you want to hold your DD to in future. Obviously not calling you motherfucker because that’s just wrong and you’re nothing of the sort!

What standards would you be more comfortable with and proud to hold her to?

Just me.
11
She can be violent sometimes when she's in these states. Never hard or so it hurts. Unless I get there first with the hard cuddles to calm her down.
But that is really hard sometimes when you're being called an idiot or worse or screamed at or aggressive

What should I do in the moment when she violent or aggressive?

She lashes out at me (words or screaming or otherwise) while wanting and needing me to there to calm her down!

We'll middle through I guess

How did you respond? What caused it?

Which? Her calling me a motherfucker? Don't know maybe I wasn't coming fast enough to come calm her down cos she can't calm herself down
Sometimes I deal with it really well probably other times maybe I don't

Hears the language from certain people at school clearly
Disgusting

Thanks anyway

Thought might be others in similar situation

Sorry, just seen your thread. Hope you’re still reading posts. I agree with Pp who said it’s the person they lash out to that they feel safe to do so with. I work with teenagers who have suffered trauma (you don’t say your DD has, but I think the approach still stands). We have scripts such as, “I think you’re trying to get my attention, could you try it another way?” & “I will come back when you are calm and we can have a conversation.”

The thing is I literally can't come back when she's calm. That's the problem. She physically can't calm herself down and she needs me to do it by giving her that hard cuddle/getting her in my arms like a baby and holding her tight. That is the only thing that works. If I say come back when you're calm, it just doesn't help. And so it's on me to calm her down. And it's not a calm time. It's not a calm cuddle if you get me. Cos she's stressed and in this heightened state so I'm stressed so it's not this happy cuddle like you normally think of when you say cuddle.. Although sometimes it works for her I guess

But if you say one thing wrong or do one thing wrong not long after the explosion she easily gets agitated again

I will probably get jumped on for this but have you considered if she might be autistic or have ADHD? meltdowns like this are particularly common when hitting puberty or starting high school because the level of overwhelm increases so drastically.

have you researched any of these conditions to see if anything else is aligned?

Speaking as someone with ADHD who couldn’t cope after starting high school.

I have suspicions about ADHD.
I don't think there's enough boxes ticked for autism personally
But at the same time I don't know about all of ADHD either. And she's fine at school. They always say she's fine at school.
And honestly it makes me feel more of a fraud that she's great in school. And maybe I shouldn't feel like that I don't know. But I feel like no one will really know what I see.
She does get overwhelmed yes

I do try to help her
I've no idea if I'm doing things right and sometimes I think I'm doing it all wrong

@Boborabbiti am obviously only speaking from personal experience and in no way suggesting your daughter is neurodiverse. Also have no idea if you or your daughter have been through any family trauma etc.

My DD is absolutely amazing in school but at home is violent, screams at us, bites etc. She has diagnosed autism and ADHD. She masks so heavily in school that she is unable to cope when she gets home and is completely emotionally dysregulated.

Likewise I was also fine in school and at home had enormous emotional meltdowns. I never caused any issues in school other than being chatty and struggling to focus. It wasn’t picked up by the teachers. When my mum raised it with them they said I was just a bit dizzy.

I would look on the ADDITUDE website and read some of the other symptoms and maybe have a chat with your daughter about it and see if there is anything she can relate too.

Either way she is obviously struggling with regulating her emotions and you and her home are her safe space. It’s extremely hard but staying calm is the only thing you can really do until it passes.

I would also speak to the GP and treat this as a health issue whether it’s neurodiversity or not as it sounds like it’s something out of her control.