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Original poster

Not ready to have 2nd child but worried about sibling age gap

31 replies

Sprockergirl · 08/07/2025 15:33

I have a daughter who is almost 4. Always thought we would have more than one child but I have OCD and anxiety which pregnancy and motherhood did a number on. Only started feeling like myself again when she was about 3 tbh and I'm dreading starting it all again. I'd be happy sticking to one but I want her to have a sibling.

Has anyone else been worried about a bigger age gap and it's turned out fine?

Everyone around me seems to have just 2 years which I'm sure it's lovely once they are older but I just couldn't have!

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 08/07/2025 15:35

I don't think you should have another one just because you want her to have sibling. It doesn't seem like a good idea for you.

Original poster
Sprockergirl · 09/07/2025 21:39

LadyDanburysHat · 08/07/2025 15:35

I don't think you should have another one just because you want her to have sibling. It doesn't seem like a good idea for you.

Thanks for the reply. Sometimes I think the same but just hate the idea of her being alone one day. Although hopefully she will have her own family by the time we are gone. No guarantees in life.

OP posts:
Dstoat · 09/07/2025 21:43

Having a functioning mother is far more important than a sibling she might or might not get along with. I’d definitely stick at one.

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Falingoth · 09/07/2025 21:45

Stick at one.

NuffSaidSam · 09/07/2025 21:48

I'd be tempted to stick to one. A sibling is great imo, but not at the expense of your health.

There are pros and cons to all the different age gaps so I wouldn't worry about that either.

ouch321 · 09/07/2025 21:53

Mumsnet has a creepy obsession with 2 yr age gaps but until recently the norm was 3.5 in the real world.

LegoHouse274 · 09/07/2025 22:03

Dstoat · 09/07/2025 21:43

Having a functioning mother is far more important than a sibling she might or might not get along with. I’d definitely stick at one.

I agree with this. Although you might feel 'ready' or differently in time OP. I don't think you should try to create a child that you don't feel sure about, but I also don't think later down the line you should not try just due to a larger age gap, if you do want to in time. I know plenty of people with large gaps between their siblings who as adults range from getting on fine but not close, to super close - basically exactly the same diversity as in people with siblings close in age to them!

Isitreallysohard · 09/07/2025 22:04

I don't think you should have another if you have OCD and anxiety, especially as it sounds like you don't really want one either.

moondip · 09/07/2025 22:05

My husband is 7 years older than one sister and 10 years older than the other, and he is such an amazing and supportive big brother. It’s really made me see how an age gap like that offers something special in its own right. But as others have said, a healthy mum is more important than a sibling.

minipie · 09/07/2025 22:06

Don’t have another just so she won’t be alone. Many adults have little contact with or support from their siblings.

limescale · 09/07/2025 22:07

10 years between my 2 sons and it’s all fine. I think we’ve had the same joys and challenges as other sibling gaps, and some different ones as well

EssentialDecluttering · 09/07/2025 22:23

ouch321 · 09/07/2025 21:53

Mumsnet has a creepy obsession with 2 yr age gaps but until recently the norm was 3.5 in the real world.

Most people I know have a two year gap or thereabouts, imcluding us, plenty of practical reasons for it. However that isn't what the OP was asking about. I also know many people with bigger age gaps, some of over ten years and they are all happy with their gaps too, I don't think I've ever heard anyone IRL say they regret their age gap. Indeed I have several friends with just one DC and they are fine with that too, their DC have grown up happy and well adjusted.

I do agree that your health is so important too @Sprockergirl and if you don't want another then don't, your DC will be fine as things are and you won't be risking another mental health decline, which wouldn't do anyone any good. Flowers

Veryvulture · 10/07/2025 01:16

minipie · 09/07/2025 22:06

Don’t have another just so she won’t be alone. Many adults have little contact with or support from their siblings.

This. My mum always said she had 3 so we’d have eachother. One is estranged and has been for 10+ years. The other passed away.

However if you would like another, my children have a 6 year gap, It’s been great, DD1 was at school by the time DD2 came along, so it was easier for me to spend time with both without being completely frazzled.
Having just had DD1s driving lessons/car expenses, I’m glad there’s a gap before I need to pay out again 😂 The only thing I could say was bad, was DD1 was very used to being an only child by then, so wasn’t best amused at the initial news of a new baby…she’s a good big sister now.

Growlybear83 · 10/07/2025 01:47

There was a ten year age gap between my brother and me; we were really close when I was a child, but probably in a different way to if we had been closer in age. I chose to only have one child and have never regretted my decision. I’m fairly certain that my daughter has never regretted being an only child.

Original poster
Sprockergirl · 11/07/2025 16:04

Thanks all 💓 lots to think about.

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 11/07/2025 16:05

She would probably rather have a happy and relaxed mum than a sibling she may or may not get on with.

Beamur · 11/07/2025 16:08

Don't get hung up on ages gaps. Close age siblings often argue.
DD is 12 years younger than her sister and they're very close.

Original poster
Sprockergirl · 12/07/2025 10:12

It's nice to hear people say they've enjoyed bigger age gaps. To be truthful my sister and I are 2 years apart and aren't close. Whereas my friend is super close to her sister that's 7 years younger. Feel like I'm really dwelling on this at the moment and it's stopping me from enjoying parenthood. The thought of seeing a positive pregnancy test and going through it all again makes me feel ill, but so does the thought of my daughter being lonely.

OP posts:
anotherwordforit · 12/07/2025 10:15

ouch321 · 09/07/2025 21:53

Mumsnet has a creepy obsession with 2 yr age gaps but until recently the norm was 3.5 in the real world.

See I find in RL most people I know have 3-4 year gap.
it’s the older generations in mine and DHs family who had this thing about a ‘2 year sibling gap’ and were surprised we were not aiming for that

stackhead · 12/07/2025 10:19

2 year age gap always sounded like hell to me. 5 years between my DDs and it's lovely.

I do get a bit wistful when I remember how easy it was with just elder DD before little arrived but I love the age gap.

Isitreallysohard · 12/07/2025 10:31

Sprockergirl · 12/07/2025 10:12

It's nice to hear people say they've enjoyed bigger age gaps. To be truthful my sister and I are 2 years apart and aren't close. Whereas my friend is super close to her sister that's 7 years younger. Feel like I'm really dwelling on this at the moment and it's stopping me from enjoying parenthood. The thought of seeing a positive pregnancy test and going through it all again makes me feel ill, but so does the thought of my daughter being lonely.

Why do you think your daughter will be lonely. Having a good family is great, priceless actually, but its not guaranteed and not many people have that. Instead encourage her to nurture her friendships. Most people are closer to their friends than family, what is the saying "friends are the family you chose"

Groundhogday2025 · 12/07/2025 10:39

I wanted a bigger age gap between mine (just under 3 years once this one is born) but I didn’t have age on my side (I’m 37) and the thought of starting it all again especially in my 40s was too much to process. Motherhood hit me like a tonne of bricks the first time and I sort of feel like I’m still in the midst of it at the moment so I may as well just keep going. But we are 100% done at two!

I would say there is absolutely nothing wrong with being one and done. There are actually lots of benefits too; financially, in the time you can give your daughter, and like you say siblings can hate each other anyway.

To be honest if I could guarantee more financial stability in my winter years maybe I’d have been okay with one. I have a family member who is an only child who is currently looking after their elderly parents who refuse to go into any kind of care home. The toll it’s taking is huge and maybe if there was a sibling the ‘burden’ (for want of a better word…) would be a bit more shared, but even then there’s no guarantees that it would in reality!

I don’t think anything you choose to do is right or wrong in your situation. Whatever you decide you will adapt, and there are pros and cons whatever you decide to do, so I don’t see your decision as one with a winning or losing result. The main thing is you have one healthy, happy daughter, which is an absolute blessing. Anything else is just a bonus.

TeenLifeMum · 12/07/2025 10:46

I sometimes think slightly bigger age gaps are better as there’s less competitiveness. I would say, the issues I had in pregnancy 1 were totally different to pregnancy 2 so you may not feel the same. Having your first baby is so new and daunting, second time is more chilled so it’s different (not without its challenges).

Do what feels right for you and don’t stress about age gaps what others do.

LemondrizzleShark · 12/07/2025 10:47

I have one not through choice (infertility, took 7 years to have one and didn’t manage a second). I was disappointed, and DS does occasionally wish he had a younger brother BUT he wants a younger brother definitely not a sister (which obviously wouldn’t be guaranteed), and he imagines this brother would be his adoring sidekick, not a little pain who plays with his toys (which is definitely how I viewed MY little brother until I was about 16 - we are close now). He also wouldn’t want an older sibling, he wants to be the boss.

He does a lot of clubs and I do a lot of play dates. He’s very sociable with loads of friends. I do occasionally think it would be nice to have other kids around on days out/holidays, but we often invite his friends anyway. So, if you do end up sticking at one, your DD will be absolutely fine.

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 12/07/2025 10:49

I've a 5 and half year gap between my two and it's fine - they get on great (and I could concentrate on one at a time, DC1 at school when DC2 showed up!) I've friends with a 18 month gap between children- they fight all the time. There is no "right" gap.