Husband brought back home with head covered in blood by police

[MincePiesAllTheWay]

This happened last Thursday night but I just needed time to process what has happened.

So husband went out with his friends on Thursday night for drinks. He doesn't go out often so that's not a problem on its own. I should mention I am also pregnant with our first baby. Long story short, police brought him home around 2AM with the face covered in blood. He was too drunk, couldn't walk and had his eyebrow cut and also bruises around his knees. Police wanted to get him to A&E but he refused. He has fallen over somewhere and clearly knocked himself out. There was no blood on clothes so clearly he has been lying somewhere on the floor unconscious all this time for his blood to stop running. Lost his phone and cancelled his client appointments next day, doesn't remember anything. His face looks awful now, I don't know what sort of lies he's going to tell his clients.

He has difficult relationship with alcohol (had fallen over before and broke stuff) but this is the worst that has happened since. I don't even feel angry for him anymore. I am at the place where I lost respect for him and feel sorry for him because of this behavior. Obviously, with the baby on the way it's even more difficult to decide what to do.

How do I handle this? I see no point in arguing etc but I can't just accept this and move on. He is obviously ashamed and wasn't planning to spend money on new phone. So I get that. But I can't just let it go. And I would really like to start respecting him more because otherwise it will just kill our relationship eventually.

I think you are very right to be concerned. Pregnancy can be a trigger for issues like this. If he has broken stuff around the house previously, I would say he is not safe to be around a baby. He needs to sort himself out before he can be a father, whether you stay with him or not. It is time to get tough with him.

AL-ANON might be a good place to advise on handling this.

And I would really like to start respecting him more because otherwise it will just kill our relationship eventually.

It's probably already killed as it's hard to earn back respect, trust or even love. Realistically what can he actually do to earn back your trust and respect? Yes he could stop drinking but that won't earn back the respect because it's the minimum he should be doing . So what else?

@LittleGreenDragons - that's the problem, I really don't know what can he possibly do. I am not ready to leave yet, but at the same time what's the point of being married if I find myself fantasizing more and more often how I would love to live on my own not having to deal with extra nonsense that comes with him.

Thinking logically I should have a chat with him and let him know how I feel. But yeah, it's not a nice place to be..xx

Where were his friends.

I felt like that when my H (now XH) was drinking excessively. I remember when he urinated on the carpet because he was too drunk to find the toilet. He said he’d never seen me so angry but I wasn’t angry. I just lost all respect for him in that moment.
How far along are you? It may be helpful to speak to your midwife about getting support with this. Imagine this when you’re caring for a tiny baby. Or imagine when your kid is older, is this the kind of thing you want them seeing?

What has he said? What is he doing about ti? It is not a nice place to be a child growing up in a family with a parent who has issues with alcohol. You just need to see the many threads on here. And children know even if the parents try and hide it.

Would you ever feel able to trust him to look after a baby on his own?

Apparently when he was still with his friends he was ok (drunk but not in a state not being able to get home). They went together to train station, grabbed a bite to eat and then they went to different trains. He doesn't remember that, nor does he remember how he ended up at the place where police picked him up @Iloveeverycat

@INeedAnotherAlibi - I am not sure what midwife would do... I earn enough for housing etc. he is not aggressive towards me. Obviously, child seeing state I saw him that night would be horrifying. What pushed you to getting divorced? I obviously still love him so it's hard decision to make. Starting from sort sort of psychological support maybe trying to understand my own feelings better. Not sure.

Is he willing to address his alcohol issues?

@wordywitch - he is clever enough to understand that he has issues but I don't think he will ever admit that he does. Which is an issue on its own.

“Difficult relationship with alcohol”? You mean he has no control once he starts drinking, or does he have to drink every day, does he black out, get aggressive?

This is something he needs to be addressing NOW. Ask your gp for referral to alcohol abuse services in your area. but I can tell you now, he isn’t going to quit on his own, and quitting is what he needs to do.

I have seen how destructive to a child’s well-being living with an alcoholic is, you really don’t want that for your child.

Well I've tried raising a baby with a binge drinker and it was the worst couple of years of my life. From trying to get him to vomit away from the pile of baby clothes (failed - a hand knitted jumper got stained with red wine vomit permanently) to innumerable times waking the baby up because he was stumbling and heaving in the house and I had to get up to deal with him, to driving home from work in the middle of the day because he was supposed to be looking after him but he was hungover and not answering the phone (he was asleep, toddler was playing unsupervised in a shit filled nappy) to never having enough money because spending £50+ on a night out took priority over paying bills to having to manhandle the pram out of his hands because he was trying to lift the pram and baby above his head when drunk...
I tell you it's no way to live.

@viques - I grew up with alcoholic father so know very well (probably unconsciously that's why I ended up with him). He very much uses alcohol as a strategy to cope with issues and also to entertain himself when bored. Lately he can't control how much he drinks. He was going through a therapy course (for 6 months) which made everything including drinking much better. But seems to be slipping back to the old ways again and I am just tired of telling him and asking him etc. I really can do with something nice being done to me as well for a change.

@BabyCatFace - that sounds horrific. How did you finally manage to come to the decision to leave? Did you have anywhere to go?

I am pretty much on my own. Family is abroad and I wouldn't tell them anything anyway not to worry them. So would have to get everything organized on my own.

Look at some of the testimonies here from women who had drinkers inflicted on them as children. How they were harmed by it, how they carry the damage into the rest of their lives.

You don't have to, though - because that's you. You're that child.

Some hard questions:

What attracted you to him?
What is keeping you with him?
What makes him worth you spending your time with him?
What makes him worth spending your life with him?
What benefit would further inflicting him, his drinking and his behaviour on your children truly bring?
How could walking away from everything you've described benefit you and your children?

He won't change.

I think you need to make a decision about what you want your life to be. Is this what you want your baby to grow up with? Yes, if you divorce he will probably have contact - but is he the kind to want 50/50 if it will impede his binge nights?

It's also very often the case that people who misuse alcohol get worse with time. I'm the widow of such a man.

There is a long running support thread on the Alcohol board that may benefit you - you can vent, ask for advice and talk in a safe space full of people who either have walked your path or are still on it. You don't need to act in any haste, but you do seriously need to consider your future. Loving him isn't enough and isn't going to save him - or your child.

I’m so sorry, OP. You’re concerned about your husband’s drinking and mention your dad was an alcoholic. I can’t recommend Al-Anon highly enough, especially in this window before your baby arrives. They support the friends and families of alcoholics. You can go to in-person, phone, online or bulletin board meetings.

I am in recovery after a slow but steady descent into alcoholism - the middle class kind where I still had a job etc

Alcoholics need a rock bottom before they can push back up. Whilst things might look OK they can convince themselves it’s not that bad and keep drinking.

The best thing you could do is speak to Al Anon and leave him or at least give him a serious ultimatum
so he realises how much is at stake and he can’t keep telling himself it’s all fine

I was fortunate that I was the main earner and was also able to claim tax credits towards childcare so I stayed in the house and managed to move on ok.

It sounds like you have a very high tolerance for people with substance misuse problems, likely as a result of your family history. What happens next depends completely on how he views his drinking and what, if anything, he wants to do about it. Does he think it’s problematic? It doesn’t sound like you’ve had much conversation about his alcohol consumption if he doesn’t already know how it makes you feel. Your job in all this though, regardless of where he is at, is to protect your child from him. As a starting point I’d urge you to find a local al anon so you can get support in your own right and begin to see the situation more clearly.

I saw some of this with my BIL, who was an alcoholic. He tended to binge wildly and was a very unpleasant drunk.

He would do things such as you describe and it was horrendous. Before long his lovely wife reached the end of her rope (and I don't blame her), took their toddler daughter and left him. He was so bad that her solicitor even managed to get his parental responsibility for their daughter revoked. He lost his marriage, his contact with his child and also his home to alcohol.

I think you need to do similar, OP. Be prepared to bring your child up alone as he could well be deemed an unfit parent.

OP you grew up with an alcoholic father so you know that's not what you want for your child. It's time to sit DH down and have a serious conversation - either he gets help to stop drinking (see his GP, go to AA) or you seperate. Tell him very directly you have no intention of staying with him unless he accepts he has a drink problem and gets help. No ifs, no buts and no negotiations. I hope he will see this as a massive wake up call. If he doesn't, you owe it to yourself and your baby to leave.

I have a friend who is you 13 years down the line & she’s finally ready to leave him.
it won’t get better
you can’t fix him
don’t out your child through living with an alcoholic

Anonymous for a reason.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and then developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Pair it with severe unmedicated PND and I put my family through hell for several years.

It took me a lot to realise that I had a problem. I stopped drinking entirely and now have strict limits. I make sure I don’t have much alcohol in the house. I limit myself to a bottle of wine at the weekend (and I only ever buy one or 2 at a time) and I can now go weeks without a drink. But it was a decision I had to make on my own. Nothing my DH or DD said made a difference when I was in the bad place.

I’m working on making it up to them but it’s taking time (for obvious reasons). More so with DD who should never have had to put up with what she did.

For your sake, and for your child, you are going to have to make a hard decision. Would sending him to live with his parents (if that’s an option) shock him into doing something?

But unless he takes responsibility, then nothing will change, believe me. I didn’t see the problem for a long time. When I did, I was (&still am) so ashamed.

Sending you much love.

Please make plans to leave him, for your own sake and that of your unborn baby.

And also go to Al Anon together support for yourself.

You need a twin track approach as it takes much longer that you think to find somewhere new to stay. You don’t want to be moving house when you are 38 weeks pregnant , especially if you have no family support . So don’t wait to see if whatever he promises to do now actually works.

Do you have friends or colleagues who would rally round and help you for the first few weeks on your own with baby? Even someone coming round after work for a couple of hours who brings some dinner and watches baby while you shower etc can he a huge help.

None of this stops your husband getting his own help to address his issues. And if he gets sober, there’s nothing to stop you reconciling a year or so down the line, if that’s what you want. Either way , he needs help to be a safe and good father for the next 20 years , what ever happens to your marriage.

I know this is tough talk, because you are used to putting him and his needs first. That’s always what happens with addicts, it’s so gradual you don’t even notice until you stop doing it . But you don’t have that option anymore. You will soon have a tiny baby totally depended on you and you won’t have the mental space or physical energy for anything else for a few months . No one warns you but that’s just what happens - it’s all consuming. I guess it’s natures way of making sure that babies survive.

So your husband needs to seek help now. Or continues down to his rock bottom. You leaving might be it . Or it might be baby’s birth. Or even never getting to see baby because he’s not safe. No one knows, not even him.

But threats, promises, begging, pleadings, logic, negotiations etc - they will do sweet FA. You can’t do this for him. You are powerless.

Im so sorry, I wish I could tell you to do X Y and Z and that will fix it. Eg Send him to the GP / get him into rehab etc. But nothing NOTHING will work until HE wants it. Not you.

You need to save you and baby first.

I work in Safeguarding: it might also be worth mentioning to him that social services can get involved in a child’s life if a parent is abusing alcohol to the point where it could impair their ability to parent. If anything might help him realise he needs to work on this problem, this might be it.