Husband brought back home with head covered in blood by police

[MincePiesAllTheWay]

This happened last Thursday night but I just needed time to process what has happened.

So husband went out with his friends on Thursday night for drinks. He doesn't go out often so that's not a problem on its own. I should mention I am also pregnant with our first baby. Long story short, police brought him home around 2AM with the face covered in blood. He was too drunk, couldn't walk and had his eyebrow cut and also bruises around his knees. Police wanted to get him to A&E but he refused. He has fallen over somewhere and clearly knocked himself out. There was no blood on clothes so clearly he has been lying somewhere on the floor unconscious all this time for his blood to stop running. Lost his phone and cancelled his client appointments next day, doesn't remember anything. His face looks awful now, I don't know what sort of lies he's going to tell his clients.

He has difficult relationship with alcohol (had fallen over before and broke stuff) but this is the worst that has happened since. I don't even feel angry for him anymore. I am at the place where I lost respect for him and feel sorry for him because of this behavior. Obviously, with the baby on the way it's even more difficult to decide what to do.

How do I handle this? I see no point in arguing etc but I can't just accept this and move on. He is obviously ashamed and wasn't planning to spend money on new phone. So I get that. But I can't just let it go. And I would really like to start respecting him more because otherwise it will just kill our relationship eventually.

This may sound silly but if he looks battered and terrible, but won't admit what he does. Take a photo, because he will more than likely try to downplay it... He wouldn't go to A & E because he didn't want anyone else involved. It will also remind you when he tells you its all under control and you are making too much of a fuss.
Speak to Al Anon - they will have advice on what you could do and where you could get support.
and do tell your Midwife/health visitor they've seen it all and may have some useful advice on where to get help. You can also get help to find a different birth partner.

From your description. He's not fit to be a father or in charge of an infant, because when he's drunk he would not be capable and they are too delicate.

Does he have any family you could talk to?

@N0Tfunny made a very good post.

You might think asking him to leave is the nuclear option, but it might be the only thing that saves your marriage.

Before you lose your respect and love for him completely.

It's not about him any more, it's about your child. He doesn't have long to turn things round before your little one is here.

Would you trust a binge drinker to look after your baby?

Is there a chance his drinks could have been spiked?
Sounds very much like it.

What can he do ? Stop drinking completely. See.
What can you do?
Separate now til he gets real help
Seek other support fir you and baby
Tell his GP you can send a note on someone else
Tell your midwife be honest

What can he do ? Stop drinking completely. See.
What can you do?
Separate now til he gets real help
Seek other support fir you and baby
Tell his GP you can send a note on someone else
Tell your midwife be honest

I would be leaving now, before the baby is born.

Realistically, your marriage is over.

It's not one of equals - you are just the boring nag distracting from his one true love, his mistress that he adores, craves and is constantly looking for a chance to get balls deep into. You'll be blamed for stressing him, for being horrible to him, for not appreciating him. He won't be pissed whilst in charge of the baby, he just 'nodded off for a second' because he 'does everything for you, you just sit there doing nothing but criticise'.

You will never be able to trust him with the baby, not to change a nappy, not to put to bed, not to cuddle on the sofa whilst you have a shower, as there's a good chance he'll be drinking whilst you're in there or if you go out, he'll fall asleep/pass out whilst holding the baby, massively increasing the risk of suffocation or dropping on the floor or you'll be wondering whether he's fallen over shitfaced on top of the baby or down the stairs. You could find alcohol stashed behind the car seat, under the cot, beneath the nappy sacks and each time he's up with the baby if he wakes up rather than snores his way through all of it, there's a chance he'll be knocking back some more.

This assumes that he'll even make it to the hospital for the birth, whether he'll be sober enough to drive you, whether you'll see him after he 'pops home to get a change of clothes' or 'I'll go and get you the formula and nappies'.

He'll then teach your child to associate the smell of alcohol with home, miss drop offs and pickups, not turn up to nativity plays or be pissed in the school playground, telling you that they're making it up, they're all wankers and jealous bitches who hate you when social services is contacted. There will likely be massive rows where he disappears during school holidays, just before Christmas and probably on the baby's birthday before rolling in shitfaced demanding that he gets to see his child.

Oh, and he'll say you're fat and let yourself go after the baby's born. Only way to shut you up about his drinking, you see. And then if your baby gets attached to him, he'll leave them decades earlier through being absent when physically there (as his mind is on his mistress), through being absent when he's supposed to be there (as he's off getting pissed) and through turning luminous yellow and dying, possibly in a torrent of blood as varices in his stomach rupture.

Dump him now, divorce him asap and you'll reduce the harm to your baby. Not to nothing, but less than it'll be if you continue to tolerate this.

🙄 It doesn't sound remotely like he was spiked. It sounds like he's an alcoholic who got blackout drunk and fell down, as alcoholics often do.

Sounds like you already have a foot out the door tbh. And I don't blame you one bit. You say you love him but I think it's time for you to love yourself more. Start planning a future apart, start dreaming of what it could look like, then look at what is in front of you and the bleak future that staying with an alcoholic will bring you. He's already had one chance of doing the right thing, and he's blown it.

My divorce was cumulative. It was no one thing. He had periods where he didn’t drink at all and our relationship was so much better. When he was drinking, he’d pass out on the sofa by 9pm. He started sleeping in the spare bedroom temporarily and never moved back in. He got more and more resentful of me. He’d self impose rules around drinking like ‘I’ll only drink on the weekends’ to ‘Well Sunday is still the weekend’ ‘It’s okay if there’s football on’ to the point he was drinking most days. He’d had a couple of ‘accidents’ where he’d made it to the bathroom but pissed on the floor rather than in the loo which I cleaned up (he was in no state to deal with it and I couldn’t have DD waking up to it).
Crunch time occurred when he pissed on the carpet and I was injured and couldn’t clean it up (couldn’t get up and down the stairs without huge effort, only managed it once a day) and he kept trying to clean it with loo roll. He was condescending (kept calling me ‘woman’ 🤔) and wouldn’t listen. I lost all respect and made my decision to get back on my feet and then ask for a divorce. Don’t get me wrong, there’s been some tough moments but I don’t regret it. I’m now seeing someone who rarely drinks (most I’ve ever seen him drink was 4 drinks!), it’s taken some getting used to but it’s lovely.
I thought maybe your midwife should know because they will ask about safeguarding at each appointment and may be able to signpost you to some support.

@INeedAnotherAlibi - it sounds that you have gone through your fare share before making a decision to leave. It does take time to come to terms with it. Especially as you mention when there are some good times too, not just bad. When I look back at our life together it has been all about all sorts of tragedies happening on his life and me helping him out, him drinking and me making excuses for him. We had maybe 2 years of really nice out of our 10 years together. At this point I really do not even envision myself living with another man. It's just not worth the hassle. I can have much better life on my own.

I can confirm that life as a single parent is infinitely better than life with an alcoholic. I am 7 years single. My DC are adults, I have cats, a job and a good circle of friends and life is great.

@pointythings - I sometimes thing how much I would love him just to die so I don't have to deal with his nonsense again. (Obviously I would never wish anything like that for him in real life)

I am glad being single has actually worked out ok for you. Cats are better than being with a man who doesn't respect you or your family

Please try not to feel bad about those thoughts. I had them too. When he did die (after being made to leave the FMH with police involvement), my feelings were very mixed.

I agree with all those on here suggesting you seek RL support. If Al-Anon isn't for you, there's also SMART family and friends, and AdFam. You don't have to do this alone.

Yes it wasn’t all bad or I’d have left years before! But when the bad is dominant, when they can’t even fake good for a few hours, it’s hopeless to continue. I didn’t leave hoping to meet someone else. I left because I knew I’d be happier on my own than married to him. I met my OH about a year after I separated from XH. He’s a Dad who has his DC 50/50 so we have a lovely relationship meeting up alternate weekends just us and occasionally with the kids. No plans to marry/move in together for several years. DD is dealing with enough with her Dad moving on quickly. I want her to know my home won’t be changing any time soon. Key point is DD is much, much happier than she was when he lived here.