Baby won’t be put down - feeling desperate

[Mammamia16373]

Posting here as I didn’t get a response in Parenting.

My baby is 6 months old. She will be put down for a few minutes on a mat or bouncer but will start fussing and then crying if left any longer. She will only sleep on me after a breastfeed. If I try to move her at she wakes up. If I move or sneeze she wakes up. On the occasion that I am able to move her so I can move away she wakes after a few minutes. She’s only settled in a carrier.

I’m just feeling a bit desperate, I can’t carry her all day. I also have an older child who needs looking after. I find day after day I am chained to the sofa or bed, or carrying her and not able to do anything. I expected this with a newborn but not at 6 months. My older one one was not this hard, I could put them down anywhere and get on with things. My husband has stepped up with cooking, but we are eating a lot of ready meals too. The house is a terrible mess and makes me feel worse.

This isn’t normal is it? I expected the baby wouldn’t want me to be out of sight but I didn’t think she would need me to hold her all day. I think it’s a mixture of teething, tiredness (from waking up from naps too early) and also anxiety when I’m not holding her.

You have taught her if she gets upset you'll pick her up. I'd try rolling her back on to her tummy and playing with her on the floor sometimes.

God forbid you parent responsively 🙄 MN boggles the mind sometimes!

It is hard. Really hard. You're biologically wired to feel distress and anxious when your baby is distressed. It's survival, they might get eaten by a fox or something if you put them down!

Do you have help at the weekends for example? Could you meal prep whilst someone else holds the baby, so you have something real quick to warm up for your eldest so you don't have to choose between baby and cooking?

As for the cleaning, the mess is anxiety inducing! I used to have 2 hrs on a Saturday morning whilst DH took the baby swimming. I would clean what I could and that was it until the next weekend.

And if your carrier isn't comfortable, it might be worth a quick visit to a sling library. I had 4 carriers I would switch between depending on whether I wanted a front/hip/back carry but none of them were uncomfortable. It's worth investing the time if it's such a lifeline for you.

It does get easier 💕

It sounds like you need someone to give you permission to cook and tidy up and tend to your other child!

It's ok to put your baby on the mat or in the bouncer in the same room as you to get on with things.
The more you practice it, the more she will get used to it.

You're not going to damage or traumatise your baby by not holding her all the time.

Atv6 months it would be so much more comfortable to carry her on your back, and you would be able to do a lot more.
Is she mobile at all, some babies get very frustrated until they learn to crawl

What advice are you taking exception to exactly?

OP I'm sure you have considered these but there are different types of carrier . You must have seen sling fabric ones but have you tried the African way of sort of tying her around your lower back ?

My first was like this, second wasn't as bad but I think that's because I had to put him down (older one was 2 so demanding as well) so he gradually got used to it!
Mine loved the jumperoo and also the highchair from a young age, strapped in and with one of those cushion things to make them ok for smaller babies, with some toys on the tray. Both of mine weren't great on the floor but sometimes I would just put the baby down the other side of the baby gate so I could safely cook for 10 minutes or whatever. Doing this isn't going to damage your child.
It's really hard OP and when you see the housework etc piling up it adds to the stress. It passes eventually!

At 6 months old, I would simply let her cry if there's other things you need to be doing such as feeding your other child.

Sometimes baby has to wait and it won't hurt her.

Hi, super tough but I would echo the advise about back carrying. Back carrying is safe from 6 months in a structured or backpack type carrier or from earlier in a more adjustable mei dai / mei tai type carrier or a woven wrap. Back carrying is a game changer, they are comfortable and feel pretty weightless (even with a high centile baby) and you can get on with most of life without bubs on the front in the way. Can also eat and cook etc more safely / easily. Please visit a sling library to get advise and help as this sounds like it will be a big assist for improving day to day life with all of you x

My first was similar. Another vote for jumperoo and if that didn’t settle her and I needed to get on with stuff, Miss Rachel always did the trick. The odd 20 minutes of screen time here and there are worth it if your mental load lifts. Also used to pop her in her high chair with some toys so she was at my level while cooking/cleaning which helped. She settled once she started to crawl and could get herself around. We used to say she just didn’t like being a helpless baby!

My first was like this
i have an absolutely gigantic chest and im not a huge person so a carrier was always a no no for my poor back.
I just had to survive. he had to whinge and cry sometimes, I remember one time placing him in his cot to unpack a food shop and he screamed absolute murder.
it got better when he learnt to crawl (luckily this was around 8 months).

My son was like this too... But we just started putting him down and comforting him in his crib. He would cry but we would place our hands on his chest and give him his dummy and lean in and cuddle him whilst he was lying in the crib. We just started doing this a few minutes a day to break the habit of lifting when upset. The more we did it and persevered, the better he got. And eventually now he self soothes on his own.
Its such a difficult and horrible situation and I'm sorry your having a difficult time xx

I was told by my doctor to stop doing this with a 6 month old because of back damage risk. She would not even go in a pram. Eventually I just had to put her down and let her cry, as our family was under severe strain. She won’t like it but she’ll cope. I think get her used to going down for longer periods first.

I had a Velcro baby too, and a son 18 months older, I feel your pain! It’s easy for people to say just let your baby cry, but I just couldn’t do it, it broke my heart. I would prep all meals the night before, including simple but healthy lunches. I got a backpack carrier which my wee one loved and was easier to so standing up jobs. Pick your most important tasks and battles. I would have someone come round to help either hold the baby or do chores, even if it was to drop off a big lasagne. Once my sone could move around on his own he was much more settled being put down so power through!! Caring for your baby is amazing and hard and you’re doing your best xx

Wrap a garment (eg t shirt) around her that you have been wearing in the day . It’s supposed to help?
maybe your milk isn’t enough and she’s hungry?

I got through it by reminding myself that it wasn’t forever 😂 I feel your pain

DD first baby right from birth - held ALL the time , passed around like a parcel, demand breastfeeding and suckling- which meant DD basically boobs out all the time, worn in a sling , never put down and when he was screamed blue murder. DD absolutely frantic with stress and felt she couldn’t go to the loo or shower alone etc. she co slept and hated it as no choice, because baby simply had to be touching her - no chance of going in a bassinet etc

I’ve had six kids and had never seen anything like it

DIL, in contrast, Did things far more like me and her mum did. Baby not passed around much when born, certainly never ever ever picked up when asleep for anyone to hold. cuddled before nappy changes and breasffeeding but then winded and put back down in basket /pram etc. When she was a little older, she had time under a mobile/ or soft mat baby a gym or on tummy, in a soft bouncy chair or car seat , but never ‘worn’ or carried about/ passed around all day. Left alone with another adult floating about for showers and completely alone for toilet breaks or cooking in the other room. Wingeing or grizzling ignored and baby self soothed.

in Spain - a culture that prize children above all else- they warn and tut about ‘no, no, no los brazos!!!’ Meaning ‘not the arms’ which is a reference to don’t pick babies up any more than necessary - lest they get to used to it.
Babies in Spain go from the basket , to the cot, to the playpen, to the high chair , to the playpen again. A lot of babies don’t learn to crawl ( hard marble cold floors and nannas who believe they will catch a cold! Or worse get under their feet in the way of mopping floors!) and go straight to pulling up and standing.

Attachment parenting and ‘wearing babies’ never mind not being able put baby down to go for wee or a shower (or cook a two course lunch to be fair) would have absolutely baffle any Spaniard friend or family member of mine! X

Can I ask if you've explored silent reflux? Does baby sleep or do they wake up if lay flat? My daughter was like this, I had to have her sleep upright on my chest for all naps, it got slightly easier when she could sit up unaided and go in a walker. Jumperoo was a no go as it made the reflux worse. You've not made a rod for your own back as some have said, you can't spoil a baby, you are being a responsive mum. Have a look at silent reflux symptoms and see if you can relate

I had this around at 6 months it was hard, really hard. She would only sleep in my arms, she would kick off in her pram it was difficult to say the least. I eventually realised it was partly teething pain, the only thing that worked was nurofen and anbasol.

It’s normal for her. So if I were you I would just let her be close and let her sleep in bed with you if necessary.

There’s a couple of things I’d suggest, the first is a different carrier. Try and get to a sling library and try a few different types, a good carrier is comfortable and doesn’t cause back pain after 40 minutes use. The second is could she have reflux? Is she happy enough sitting upright in a high chair, or on your lap, but not happy when laid down or reclining?

I’d second going to a local sling library to get fitted for a better sling.

It sounds really tough op. I think what's happening now probably isn't working for anyone, least of all you. I think you need to apply your own oxygen mask first so to speak. It won't hurt the baby to squirm and cry a bit on the floor or in a bouncer and it also won't be as horrendous as you think for your older child to leave the room and learn to cope with the crying. If you need to cook dinner or clean the house then that's what you need to do. Everything is so child centred now that no one just leaves their babies and children to sit with discomfort at all and I'm not entirely sure that is helpful. I think there's a middle ground where we can teach a bit of resilience but not so much they are traumatised.

Have you tried one of those inflatable ring toys, my babies always quite liked being in that when they were learning to sit up. You could also try white noise in the background either to calm the baby or to help your older child.

Same here, and I also have a toddler. Its exhausting!!!!

Another vote for a jumperoo!!! It allows him to play, have fun, he can see around, he can see me, he can see out the window..... when I'm in the kitchen he's in the high chair, has to be right next to me or he will give out.

I had to gradually teach him to sleep on his own, building it up over time. It was exhausting but so was sleeping with him on my chest so I just had to suck it up for a while to try get some sort of benefit in the long run. I worked on night time sleep first and then worked on daytime naps.

I would pick one thing and start with that. And remember, it's nothing you are doing right or wrong, despite what others say I'm convinced it's just pure luck of the draw! 💖 you've got this!

Firstly, it DOES get better, honestly
Secondly, as others have suggested, the right carrier can work wonders
But a couple of other things that “I” did, was to put the babies mattress on my lap while I was feeding them. When they finished, and were sleeping, I’d lift the mattress and baby together into the crib. Secondly, again while feeding them, play music/ white noise/ stroke their foot for the duration of their feed. After a week or so, playing the same music/ white noise/ stroking their foot would calm them down without needing to feed them.