What should happen in this scenario - adoption/biological family?

[kmo0416]

A bit of backstory:

I was adopted at the age of 18 months alongside my older siblings (who were 5 and 3 at the time). The reason we were adopted was because my older sister was found to have a fractured foot while in my biological parent's custody so it was assumed they either abused her or were neglecting her.

We did not have any contact with my adoptive family for the next 17 years (until I turned 18) and I cannot remember them at all, though my older siblings can. In fact, it was often considered a 'taboo' subject to even mention the fact that we were adopted and my adoptive parents, throughout my childhood, never directly mentioned that we were adopted.

However, since I turned 18, my older sister has become absolutely obsessed with wanting to reconnect with our biological parents. This is mostly since it was because of her broken foot that we were adopted in the first place and she seems to have residual resentment. So, my sister got their contact number and has been phoning them and texting them for over a year now. I frequently overhear her shouting and venting to them about how they must have neglected her and blaming her life's woes on their actions, but also being very obsessed with wanting to know further details about our biological family. This obsession has led to my adoptive parents getting involved and them establishing contact with my biological parents for her sake, which led to the arrangement of her and my adoptive parents visiting my biological parents while I refused to visit since I don't feel any connection with them.

My sister's obsession with them has further led to them visiting our house which was very traumatising to me as I felt all of this was being imposed on me and my identity was being threatened as I don't even identify with my biological parents. But, they came anyway, and my adoptive parents encouraged them to make contact with me despite the fact that I told them not to. This is because my biological parents had been crying to my adoptive parents, telling them how much they miss and how much they want to contact me and my adoptive parents have no respect for my own feelings. So, when my biological parents visited, I locked myself in my room while my biological parents (who I viewed as strangers) were banging on my bedroom door, pleading and begging me to come out. I refused and after several hours they left.

However, unbeknownst to me, they secretly agreed with my adoptive parents to see me when I did not expect. This happened as the next morning (since they were staying at a hotel over the night), they came to our house but hid in their car behind the bend. Then, my adoptive parents tricked me into coming out of the house to get into our car, saying that my biological parents had left and weren't returning so it was safe to do so. But, just as I entered my adoptive parent's car, my biological parents burst from behind the bend to meet me. These strangers, who I had never seen before, started throwing themselves on me, while I begged my adoptive parents to drive off, which they eventually did but only after a few minutes of trauma had passed.

Over the next few months, my sister has continued contacting them, and thanks to her, they keep pressuring my adoptive parents to force me to reunite with them and my sister, who is still so obsessed with them keeps on bringing up the topic of our adoption. She constantly asks questions to our adoptive parents about our adoption, discusses her interactions with our biological parents and this stresses me out because again my identity of being completely happy not having contact with my biological parents; being fine with my adoption etc is threatened as this keeps being brought up.

Now, my adoptive parents are angry that I am not meeting with my my biological parents. This is largely due to the fact that they want to maintain 'face' and because they have issues with their own families of not having good relationships with them so they think that it is necessary for me to have a good relationship with my biological parents.

For context I am now 19 and still financially dependent on my adoptive parents.

Also, my adoptive mother is very narcissistic and if I am being honest, I think she sort of secretly loves the attention this brings her. For instance, when my sister bangs on about our biological parents, she will ask me 'Do you want to go back to them' and when I inevitably say 'no' she will slyly grin as though it means that I love her so much and she is so important. But, the reality is I am increasingly resentful towards her and my adoptive father and my sister due to the forcing this on me. And everyone seems to forget the fact that I do not hate my biological parents or love them - I am just indifferent and I do not want strangers imposed on me.

So, based on all of this who do you think is at fault and what should I do?

For reference, my biological parents are now discussing spending summer with us by visiting us since my sister wanted them to come over so much and my adoptive parents felt they could not say no and are now pressuring me to be happy about the whole situation.

The reason we were adopted was because my older sister was found to have a fractured foot while in my biological parent's custody so it was assumed they either abused her or were neglecting her

No way would 3 siblings be removed from their birth parents and put up for adoption under these circumstances. There would have been significant evidence of neglect/abuse.

You are 19 and I think you need to cut ties and get out of that house and to a place of your own before this has a huge mental health impact in you and you have a breakdown.

You need to contact social services and say that your home life is unbearable and you need help to move out and away from them.

Then you decide who you see when and where and on your terms.

Whatever happened, you aren't at fault. None of this is your doing.
Are you in the UK? Your adoption story doesn't really fit with how things are done in the UK even 18 years ago.

Social services aren't going to help a 19 year old move out of home.

Sadly Op , I agree with @BeaBachinasec ; one incident of a broken foot is not enough to remove 3 children and place them for adoption.
So, you are not wrong to be very wary of your biological parents. You are under absolutely no obligation to meet them again nor are you required to have any sort of relationship with them.
Your adoptive parents are part of the abuse if they are tricking you into seeing them.

Your financial dependence on your adoptive parents - are you a student ? If so check with your Uni support team about Estranged Students ( those with no parental support) .

My kids are adopted - slightly older now than you. There's no way you would all have been removed due to one broken foot, there must have been a lot of other evidence of neglect, abuse or lack of competence.

Your adoptive parents have behaved badly. You should have been brought up by them being open about your adoption and talking to you about it. They also absolutely should not be insisting on you having contact with your biological parents - that's entirely your call.

I think adoptive and biological families should maintain a respectable distance when contact is made. Your adoptive parents seem to be wanting to make themselves into one big family with your biological family.

My children (not biologically related to each other) have always known about their adoptive status and been given age appropriate information about their backgrounds.

One contacted theirs at 18 - they live not far from us and we've met some of them briefly. Our dc met with them frequently for a while but it tailed off eventually and contact is now minimal (they were notoriously unreliable and had very different life experiences).

Our other child has only spoken on the phone to some of their family members and has so far taken the decision not to pursue further contact.

The choice is (or should be) entirely yours OP. I'm sorry you are being coerced.

This is really complicated and I think you need expert help - be careful of advice you get on here from people who have good intentions but may not have the professional background to give good advice. The comments about why you were adopted are not helpful here.
https://www.adoptionuk.org/where-can-adopted-adults-go-to-find-support
look here for lots of places to go for helpful advice from professionals

The bottom line is no one is respecting your feelings and they’re breaking your trust. Those are hard things to deal with.

I’d tell your adoptive parents that if they continue then you’re going to move out.

They might where a child has an adoption history. They’d be treated like a care leaver- offered a move into supported accommodation.

Potentially- it depends on the country and the services available. Care leavers and adopted young people get suooort until they leave education- at Uni for example.

I'm really struggling with this - I find it so hard to imagine your adoptive parents acting in this way.

It's time you left home, in any case. Your adoptive family isn't a safe place for you now.

No they wouldn't. The leaving care act is clear about who qualifies and an adopted person wouldn't, unless they were adopted after their 16th birthday.

Gosh this has made me angry on your behalf. Why are your adoptive parents so intent on forging an unwanted relationship with your biological parents? I'd deliberately misinterpret your AM's question of 'Do you want to go back to your biological parents?' and say 'why are you asking this? dont you want me here anymore?' I'd let them know you are feeling they are rejected (again) because your AP seem hell bent on you having a relationship with your BP.

Sorry if my suggestion of social services was incorrect/unhelpful.

You do need to move out though.

I don’t know if the biological parents making content in this way would be deemed as harrassment but you need to emphasise to your adopted parents that if it does you will be making a report to the police as you do not want these people harassing you.

It’s absolutely wicked to try and force you to meet them.

I’m so sorry OP. You deserved and continue to deserve better than all these people. I hope you can get out of this situation and build your own life with your own support group of friends.
My parents were quite toxic and it felt huge as a teen and in my early 20s. But their interactions just felt less and less important as I built my own life and now I barely think about them. I hope you can reach that x

be careful of advice you get on here from people who have good intentions but may not have the professional background to give good advice. The comments about why you were adopted are not helpful here

Some of us know what we're talking about when we say children are not removed from their birth families under these circumstances.

What is your working situation? Could you save up to move into a shared house? Both sets of parents have behaved appallingly.

This was my first thought.

First I want to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you: it us very unfair. Second I think all you can do is plot and plan to move out as soon as you can. Your adoptive mother sounds dangerously self involved and I think you can’t really rely on her not to kick you out anyway (or punish you in skme way financially) when you refuse to play happy families.

I was thinking the same thing

That's seriously messed up OP. I feel angry on your behalf that your adoptive parents are putting you through this, and I think you need to calmly and insistently tell them that you are an adult, and you do not want these people in your life.

A good friend was adopted and went to huge effort to find their birth mother - it wasn't a happy ending, and he's admitted since that it was the worst decision that he ever made. It's unsettled him to the core and left him with more questions than answers. Sometimes it's OK to say you don't want to know.

I’d agree with a pp that here is a good place to start in finding support.
https://www.adoptionuk.org/where-can-adopted-adults-go-to-find-support

Sure but how does the OP know that you do and in what way was that comment helpful to the OP? That wasn’t her question and just adds to her confusion; if you know what you’re talking about when it comes to adoption/trauma/child protection you’ll know that strangers on the internet aren’t the best placed to offer advice

Gosh you’ve been so let down by the people who are supposed to support you.
Are you working? Or studying? I think moving out seems like a good idea if at all feasible.
I used to work for social services, I would be surprised if there weren’t other issues leading up to you all being adopted. You can ask to see your notes if you wanted to go down that route and get more information.

if you know what you’re talking about when it comes to adoption/trauma/child protection you’ll know that strangers on the internet aren’t the best placed to offer advice

Oh give it a rest. I didn't offer advice because the first paragraph was nonsense so I didn't read any further. And the OP hasn't come back ...