What should happen in this scenario - adoption/biological family?

[kmo0416]

A bit of backstory:

I was adopted at the age of 18 months alongside my older siblings (who were 5 and 3 at the time). The reason we were adopted was because my older sister was found to have a fractured foot while in my biological parent's custody so it was assumed they either abused her or were neglecting her.

We did not have any contact with my adoptive family for the next 17 years (until I turned 18) and I cannot remember them at all, though my older siblings can. In fact, it was often considered a 'taboo' subject to even mention the fact that we were adopted and my adoptive parents, throughout my childhood, never directly mentioned that we were adopted.

However, since I turned 18, my older sister has become absolutely obsessed with wanting to reconnect with our biological parents. This is mostly since it was because of her broken foot that we were adopted in the first place and she seems to have residual resentment. So, my sister got their contact number and has been phoning them and texting them for over a year now. I frequently overhear her shouting and venting to them about how they must have neglected her and blaming her life's woes on their actions, but also being very obsessed with wanting to know further details about our biological family. This obsession has led to my adoptive parents getting involved and them establishing contact with my biological parents for her sake, which led to the arrangement of her and my adoptive parents visiting my biological parents while I refused to visit since I don't feel any connection with them.

My sister's obsession with them has further led to them visiting our house which was very traumatising to me as I felt all of this was being imposed on me and my identity was being threatened as I don't even identify with my biological parents. But, they came anyway, and my adoptive parents encouraged them to make contact with me despite the fact that I told them not to. This is because my biological parents had been crying to my adoptive parents, telling them how much they miss and how much they want to contact me and my adoptive parents have no respect for my own feelings. So, when my biological parents visited, I locked myself in my room while my biological parents (who I viewed as strangers) were banging on my bedroom door, pleading and begging me to come out. I refused and after several hours they left.

However, unbeknownst to me, they secretly agreed with my adoptive parents to see me when I did not expect. This happened as the next morning (since they were staying at a hotel over the night), they came to our house but hid in their car behind the bend. Then, my adoptive parents tricked me into coming out of the house to get into our car, saying that my biological parents had left and weren't returning so it was safe to do so. But, just as I entered my adoptive parent's car, my biological parents burst from behind the bend to meet me. These strangers, who I had never seen before, started throwing themselves on me, while I begged my adoptive parents to drive off, which they eventually did but only after a few minutes of trauma had passed.

Over the next few months, my sister has continued contacting them, and thanks to her, they keep pressuring my adoptive parents to force me to reunite with them and my sister, who is still so obsessed with them keeps on bringing up the topic of our adoption. She constantly asks questions to our adoptive parents about our adoption, discusses her interactions with our biological parents and this stresses me out because again my identity of being completely happy not having contact with my biological parents; being fine with my adoption etc is threatened as this keeps being brought up.

Now, my adoptive parents are angry that I am not meeting with my my biological parents. This is largely due to the fact that they want to maintain 'face' and because they have issues with their own families of not having good relationships with them so they think that it is necessary for me to have a good relationship with my biological parents.

For context I am now 19 and still financially dependent on my adoptive parents.

Also, my adoptive mother is very narcissistic and if I am being honest, I think she sort of secretly loves the attention this brings her. For instance, when my sister bangs on about our biological parents, she will ask me 'Do you want to go back to them' and when I inevitably say 'no' she will slyly grin as though it means that I love her so much and she is so important. But, the reality is I am increasingly resentful towards her and my adoptive father and my sister due to the forcing this on me. And everyone seems to forget the fact that I do not hate my biological parents or love them - I am just indifferent and I do not want strangers imposed on me.

So, based on all of this who do you think is at fault and what should I do?

For reference, my biological parents are now discussing spending summer with us by visiting us since my sister wanted them to come over so much and my adoptive parents felt they could not say no and are now pressuring me to be happy about the whole situation.

OP, there will be a post adoption support team for the area where you live, and you could ask for advice from them as well as adoptionuk. Best of luck x

I'm so sorry, neither your adopted or biological parents are putting your needs first.
I think you should contact the agency that dealt with your adoption and ask to see your records. You will then have a detailed account of exactly why you were adopted. I agree with others it would have been a lot more than one broken foot.
You will receive counselling and advice from a SW before you see your records and they may also be able to advise on the home situation.

Thanks for all of the comments. However, I do find it interesting why noone seems to be blaming my sister fir her obsession with our B parents - as if not for her continued obsession, then none of this would have started. Any thoughts?

I think you have been treated appallingly by both your birth parents and adopted parents over the reunion (or rather, your wish that there isn’t a reunion). It feels like they have complet ignored your feelings and wishes on the matter and tried to force you into something you do not want.

However I think you have to allow your sister to have her own feelings on the situation (I’m speaking as an adopted person myself with a tricky reunion story). Not everyone feels like her but it’s obviously vital to her to try and restore some sort of connection to her birth family.

I will reply with more later as I’m just on the way out!

OP, I think your sister is entitled to a relationship with her bio parents if she wants one. For a lot of adoptees, there is a longing to know your bio family and it can be an important part of identity.

But hatred of your bio family, or indifference like you experience, is also normal. There is no right or wrong.

Your adoptive parents are mostly at fault for forcing this on you when you don't want it. They should not be coming to your home. Your sister is free to see them, but it needs to be taking place elsewhere.

I don’t think your sister is to blame as such, she has as much right to see her birth parents as you do to not.
You are being very let down by your adoptive parents, sister and birth parents though. They are not respecting your boundaries.

Your sister is probably just dealing with her trauma in her own way. Your way is avoidance, hers is obsession. She probably blames herself for the fact you all got taken away, wonders why her parents would hurt her etc.

I had a friend who was adopted, the minute she turned 18 she tried to find her birth parents. She had a loving adoptive family she just felt that she needed to know all about them to know about herself.

Everybody handles things differently. You are both victims in this. It's both your biological and adoptive parents who are to blame for the shit show.

Your sister is not at fault for having a different approach to your birth parents than you. Remember, she was old enough at 5 to remember them ( and perhaps any questioning about what happened) whilst you have no memories of any other parents.

Literally not at all her fault. She can choose to be as obsessed or not with them. That’s like saying it’s your fault for not being obsessed with them.

It doesn’t sound like she’s the person dragging you into this relationship.

What on earth have I just read

No one is putting your feelings first and the two sets of parents who are meant to, and are meant to consider you and protect you from pain, are failing and putting their own feelings first. I don't blame your siblings as they've been traumatized but not great of them either.

You deserve peace and calm and a home with people who respect you and your boundaries. I hope you can get that soon x

She's allowed to obsess over it and deal with it her own way though. Especially as she remembers them
This will be a whole different kind of trauma for her.
Don't scape goat her and lower your expectations. Set boundaries but don't try to control her.

Some adopted children feel a need to reconnect with their birth parents, others dont. All your wishes should be respected so if your sister (and the third sibling?) wish to reconnect that should be away from your home and you should not be forced to see them.

I agree with asking to see your adoption records. Unlike other posters I wouldnt jump to conclusions about it being a lot more than a broken foot. It could be that they were considered bad parents for reasons that would not lead to adoption now. Or they may have been terrible parents and not have changed a bit - forcing themself on you tends to suggest they lack parenting skills.

You are 19. Can you get work for the summer, even if you are still in education? You need to work on becoming financially independent. You also need to be politely assertive. Tell your birth parents, politely, that you do not have any desire to see them and you want them to leave you alone. Keep being polite but repeat that.

What would you do as an adoptive parent? If one of your adoptive children had biological parents who were trying to force contact with them against their wishes like knocking on your house door or stalking them or constantly phoning them?

I think I would expect you to take some actions, OP - can you block their number if they are always calling?

I assume that things have continued in the 2-3 weeks since your original post?

If I was in this situation I would be talking to the police. Knocking on the house door could be to see your sister but attempts to contact you are harassment. I'm sure you know how to block phone numbers though.

Your adoptive parents should support you by telling your birth parents they can only visit your sister at pre-arranged times when you are not present and that they will contact the police unless they stop trying to see you.

Are you working, if not why not?

But she keeps bringing them up infront of me in endless discussions with our adoptive parents

Can you leave the room every time this happens?

I could but she also asks questions and discusses them in the car and in casual contexts.

Like the other day we were discussing how there aren’t any driving tests available as they’re all booked up. She felt such a need to say that she agrees because she’s searched everywhere and saw that there aren’t any driving tests in our town but also in the city that our biological parents in. She didn’t specifically mention our biological parents but mentioned their city which is odd since they live hundreds of miles away so she obviously was deliberately referring to them.

And it’s weird things like that confuse me so much. Like why would you say such a random thing - how obsessed can she be that she drags them implicitly or explicitly into everything.

Unfortunately, you can’t control her actions, only how you respond to them. It’s not surprising it’s on her mind a lot - it’s a new and massive development in her life.

You need to grey rock as much as you can - smile vaguely, nod, change the subject. Or listen to music on headphones in the car!

You need to learn that you cannot control others’ actions , only your reaction to them. Your sister may well have unanswered questions and guilt if the story about her foot is true (although I too suspect that was only one example of abuse). She may also have emotional trauma from those events and being removed, and the process of being in care. You are being badly let down by your adoptive parents who are not respecting your boundaries and choices. What of your other sibling? People can react different to the same circumstances and that is fine. If needs be distance yourself physically and emotionally once you move out. You can be independent of them.