Will a couple therapist call out abuse...

[Aquestiontoponder]

Just that really. I won't go into details unless asked. If a couple are having relationship therapy and there are signs of abuse, would the therapist actually verbalise that?

Yes, they will call it out.

Or ask open questions so that you self diagnose IYSWIM

If they recognise it. They don't always.

It is not recommended to go to couples counselling if one person is abusing the other. The victim often ends up much worse off and the abuser ends up better off, usually having worked his charm/victimhood/whatever on the counsellor.

Counselling for yourself or at least having a chat with the likes of Women's Aid would be a better option.

Thank you. I just wondered if she would actually be direct.

We've been going to relationship therapy and had 3 sessions so far. Im finding it very difficult.

We were given an exercise to do this week, basically relationship check ins. Very straight forward but he won't really engage, acted completely confused by the whole activity and when I asked to do it asked why and why didn't I just speak in front of the kids. Then got angry and said this activity was only for me because I'm so anxious. Then completely denied what she told us to do. He completely reflects and will do ANYTHING not to have a proper conversation. He gets so, so angry and attacks.

We had a discussion yesterday where I asked about a woman he had messaged. I asked how long he'd been In touch with her and it descended from there. He refused to answer and kept saying he couldn't remember if he'd been in touch with her for years, months or weeks and when I repeated the same question he said I have problems and need psychological help.

Any way we were supposed to do this relationship check in (all initiated by me) and he got very angry. He's a get that I asked about this woman. It led to him repeatedly shouting at me about how horrible I am and he was also swearing. I ended up crying and begging him to stop shouting, he refused and got worse. He said I make him hate me and what is wrong with me crying, I'm not normal. I left the room and put my fingers in my ears whilst he shouted non stop at me from the other room. He then came in and continued to shout, I begged him again to stop shouting and he said "if you think this is shouting, just you wait until I really get started". I left the room again sobbing and he followed me again. He said I'm not normal. He asked why do I have an issue with him shouting, getting upset is not a normal response and I obviously have issues with my childhood. I told him it's intimidating having a man twice my size (he's literally more than double my weight) coming at me and shouting that I'm mentally unwell, horrible, he hates me. He didn't get it.

We have therapy next week and he's already threatened to tell her how awful I am and I'm dreading it.

I'm am 100% worse off. Therapy is breaking me. I have only coped the last few years in our relationship by dissociation and now I have to talk about things. It's truly destroying me, he lies so much.

I literally spend the hour crying and physically shaking during therapy.

Why are you going to therapy with him? Who instigated it?

Social services. That's a whole other thread. I spoke about our relationship to someone who made a safeguarding referral. She recommended therapy 2 months ago. She said she'd be in touch in a few days and that she's be speaking to myself, partner and children again. That never happened. Last week I received a letter saying they've closed the case.

You need to stop the couples therapy and do individual therapy. Just tell him you're finding it really difficult and its bringing up a lot of issues that you need to work through. Which is true.
I predict you'll find the strength and reason to leave him soon. What he's doing is abusive.
Best of luck to you xxx

Obviously there's a lot of backstory. I've been shouted at sworn at, belittled and threatened for years. My self esteem is zero. I definitely need individual therapy and am looking into it, cost is a bit of an issue.

I just wondered if a therapist would ever be that direct.

Stop therapy and start divorce. That's the only advice I have.

Generally a therapist will stop couples therapy if abuse is disclosed as the therapy room should be a safe space where all parties can talk freely &, in an abusive relationship, anything that's said can be used to abuse the other party in private.

Generally therapists have a good 'nose' for an abusive relationship & will steer the conversation in order to discover if their suspicions are right. As a professional counsellor I'm good at spotting abuse in a relationship as the couple's body language, the way they interact, talk about their relationship, talk about their attitudes to counselling etc. I will ask what brought them to counselling, who initiated it, what each of them hopes to get out of it. The answers are often big red flags.

You may want to make an appointment with your therapist on your own so that you are in that safe place to disclose it & discuss ways forward.

edited to apologise for 2 'generallys' 🤐

I’m sure the answer is it depends. I had an awful experience in couples therapy when my DH was quite clearly abusive and I asked him to leave because of his anger.

His explosive rage which started in my pregnancy and peaked when my DH was very young. I raised how he had thrown a glass (not at me but against the wall behind me and when I was holding my baby). The therapist questioned whether my DH didn’t have a right to express when he was angry or frustrated. 😣 The reason he smashed the glass was because he had a “hard day” at work nothing that me or my son provoked by the way.

The majority of the sessions were spent discussing him. She was fixated on his childhood (we never discussed mine even once).

The playing down how controlling he was and how unsafe I felt right now put an end to therapy. It almost united against her because he at least understood deep down that the way he was treating me was wrong and he needed to change.

We are still together, but I still feel resentful if I’m honest because. He has retrospectively admitted he was abusing me and sought help for depression but there are still flashes of unacceptable behaviour which come out.

I'm shocked at your therapist's attitude and so sorry to hear your story. 😘

You don't have to stay with someone who treats you badly.

Depends on their experience and training. I've found that many therapists aren't trained in domestic abuse. You should not attend couple's counselling with an abuser and he's destroying your mental health.

I would cancel therapy and contact a domestic abuse organisation for advice. Refuge webchat is available until 6pm tonight. The National Domestic Abuse helpline is available 24/7.

Thank you for this detailed response. Basically, when I booked her I asked if she had experience of abuse and she offered me a telephone call before the appointment (as long as my partner was aware I'd spoken to her). I explained everything and she did say that if he does have narcissistic tendancies then therapy wouldnt help but she'd be willing to see us if I wanted.

In therapy he constantly talks over me. She spends a lot of time trying to stop him talking over me. She did say last week "Jack I observe that you never let Jill speak, you always talk over and she can never finish a sentence". He also referred to me as "her" and she asked him "who is her"...she told him it was disrespectful and for him to begin my addressing me by my name. In 3 sessions, 4 times she has told him he's being derogatory towards me during sessions.

Last week I asked my partner what he's hoping to achieve/how he thinks it makes me feel when he sends me text messages quoting his qualifications. Basically he is home all day and I asked if he could run the hoover around and I got 12 messages. The jist being "how dare you, somebody nearly 20 years younger than me boss me around. I have 6 letters after my name unlike you who went out drinking at 16. You reap what you sow in your life. More about me being horrible and I didn't read the following 11 messages. So I asked him how he was hoping to make me feel with those messages, he kept deflecting, acted confused and said he didn't know the context and couldn't answer. The therapist said to him "Jack you haven't answered the question, you keep deflecting". She's also called him out and said him calling me a bitch etc is derogatory and name calling.
So she does challenge him.

They ought to, but they may not recognise it. We went and my OH turned everything onto me as the one with the problem.
At a later date the police advised me in an indirect manner to leave due to an unsafe environment and they questioned him re: coercive control.

So basically, don’t expect them to notice/help

And after the couple’s counselling is over and done with, then what?

He isn’t going to change, you must know that.

@Aquestiontoponder She shouldn't be challenging him because he'll take it out on you when you leave.

That is awful and I'm so sorry to hear that. I know going to therapy with someone abusive isn't a good idea. I suppose on some level I want her to identify it and actually tell him.

She's aware I've been grabbed, pushed and shouted at in front of our child. She also knows he shouts, swears and makes me question my reality.

The problem with therapy is it assumes two "normal" individuals. I know it's a word thrown around but my partner shows every sign of narcissism. Giving us communication exercises does not work. She spends half the session trying to control him.
He used therapy against me, he shouts at me to obey her and threatens to tell on me. He spends the whole session telling her I need diagnosis for my mental illness. Apparently we don't need therapy or communication exercises. I need medication.

He knows he’s abusive and you know he’s abusive. What difference does it make that she knows?

OP I think you are very obviously in an abusive situation. Can you access help elsewhere? You mentioned SS involvement and the police? Maybe family? Woman’s Aid?

I am sorry for referring to my own circumstances on this thread as it is a distraction. I just wanted to say that a therapist isn’t infallible so you shouldn’t rely on it to help you work things out. But I think from what you’ve said you know you know how bad things are. Good luck finding a way forward and away from the abuse.

Only if they see it. There's a reason people say to never attend therapy with an abuser - because abusers are usually very good at masking around and manipulating other people and hiding the abuse, and subsequently using therapy as a tool to further abuse their victim.

So unless he's actively abusing you in front of the therapist, no, they won't necessarily "call it out".

You'd be better off getting out of couples therapy, getting some individual therapy, and working towards leaving.

You need to stop going to see this therapist with your abusive "D"H, as all you're doing (and the therapist should be able to see this) is handing him more ammunition to abuse you with. She's clearly trying to call him out, realising that this is the only way she can intervene in the current set-up (with SS ordered therapy), but she'll know that it's not what's really needed, which is you having therapy on your own to enable you to leave him.

I was in a similarly coercive relationship for many years, and when I said I wanted a divorce he wanted to "talk" via couples counselling and said the problem was a communication issue, but by that point I'd realised that he could convince just about anyone that I was the problem, so I wasn't going to risk it.

Couples therapy is not recommended when there is abuse. My daughter went with her ex in the hope of working out a good co-parenting relationship and when she complained that he had hit her she's was told she shouldn't have provoked him