Why is envy such a taboo emotion to express?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Hi all,
Just wondering what people think about this. Envy is a totally natural emotion — we all feel it at some point — so why is it seen as so wrong to express it?
For example, if a friend gets a new phone, why is it awkward to just say, “I’m envious — that looks amazing!” without it sounding bitter or negative? It feels like we’re expected to suppress envy or disguise it as something else (e.g., joking or downplaying it), but isn’t it healthier to be honest?
Would love to hear your thoughts. Do you talk openly about feeling envious, or do you think it’s better to keep that kind of thing to yourself?
TIA!

Because we are all supposed to give off the impression that our lives are AMAZING - and if we feel envy that suggests we aren’t getting everything right.

I think envy is a really vulnerable emotion to express because it reveals something you think is lacking in yourself or your life. Nobody wants to look weak - it's a basic survival instict.

I've always wondered this.
Jealousy is always seen as an ugly emotion. Sometimes I just wish I had something other people had, I don't wish them any harm though.

I don't think it's the emotion that's the issue. I've often said "ooh I'm jealous!" when people tell me about holidays or something nice.

I think the issue is that so many people handle jealousy appallingly. That's what's made it taboo I think.

I feel like I say “oh I’m jealous” quite a lot when people are talking about nice things or plans.

I also was moaning to a colleague the other day, and they asked if I was just a bit jealous. I reflected, and I was, and admitted that. No shame or taboo.

I find that jealousy leads to a lot of toxic behaviour including trolling. We hear of very successful women especially, being ripped apart online purely because people are jealous.

Years ago I stumbled upon a website about Kate Middleton with awkward photos, criticising every aspect of her looks and character. This doesn't seem to happen as much to men; women seem to be lightening rods for people's vitriol.

Some people thrive on other’s envy OP
They are the vultures of the world
it’s better to not feed their desires

am I envious? Not of a phone or objects, some holidays maybe and some parents who have teenagers who revise for their exams without constant nagging perhaps- but it’s brief and doesn’t help us!

now we have envy inducing holidays (for some) a couple of friends can’t leave us alone messaging whilst we are away (it’s fine they are pleased for us just also nosy because it turns out we can do good holidays - more desirable destinations since we have the cash) they weren’t as interested in our (still great) tatty uk camping holidays when the kids were younger!

but we are old friends - it’s an easy back and forth envy - people we know less well - or know their circumstances - we adjust what we tell them because we do stuff for us not to make anyone else feel worse

The question was about envy, not jealousy. They are two different emotions.
Envy is wanting what someone else has.
Jealously is fear of losing someone to someone else.

I think envy is a private emotion, we all feel it at some points, but expressing it is very revealing - it’s a full reflection of your insecurities on display.

I don’t think it’s especially helpful to publicly express it, but I do think it’s a great emotion to use for self reflection, motivating you to either change that part of your life, or accept that this is the way things are for you. It’s a great ‘self development’ emotion

There are people you can not be vulnerable with in any way with any “negative” emotion you feel. With these types any of these negative emotions can be weaponised by them anger, frustration, resentment, envy etc etc. The vast majority of the normal human emotional experience has a negative aspect, there are actually very few positive emotions comparatively. This makes sense because emotions are a really important part of our survival system so they are designed to give us messages about if there are threats to us in our environment.

People who cannot handle negative emotions usually because they have been fed a childhood diet of shame to control them are concerned about what experiencing negative emotions says about them as a person, they are typically avoidant themselves and they project unpleasant emotions they experience themselves onto those around them and frankly are extremely draining for others to be around.

Everyone else you can crack on with and be pretty vulnerable with.

I think it’s not a healthy emotion for ourselves. If someone has something you’d like, do you feel bitter with your envy? Do you wish they didn’t have it or reflect on your own life negatively and think it’s so unfair that other people have these things and you don’t?
Or do you think “I want one of those. Right, let me see how I can get one” ?
If Envy drives you in a positive way and inspires you, then it’s not a bad thing but if it consumes you with negative emotions, then it’s bad for you.

See I see Envy as okay. It says “I’d love what you have, and I’m so happy for you that you have it”

Jealousy is toxic. Jealousy is “”I want what you’ve got and I hate that you have it”.

I jealous of no one… but I can admit to being envious sometimes!

I don't think it is 🤷‍♀️ it's very common for people to say "oh wow that's amazing, I'm very jealous". But anything beyond that starts to become unpleasant in general. Expressing it to much can make others feel uncomfortable- its not their fault if you cant or don't have something so shouldnt be made to feel bad about it. Envy can also make people do some very horrible things. Not everything that comes into your head needs to come out of your mouth imo

The Screwtape Letters has an interesting take on this. Of all the "Deadly Sins" most give us something enjoyable. Lust, Gluttony, Avarice, Pride -even Sloth and Wrath. Envy isn't even fun.

I'm not envious or jealous of anyone. My mate of 15 years cut me off and slagged me off to people when I bought a bigger house though in the area she wants. That's jealously and really rather sad.

I don't think envy is actually that bad a thing. What's wrong with being envious that you don't have a fantastic voice like Adele or arms like Michelle Obama?

I don’t ever feel it about material things. I did for a few years envy people who still had parents alive after mine died. I didn’t ever express it; it’s no-ones fault.

I don’t care much about anything except my family and loved ones being healthy and happy, really.

Jealousy is always seen as an ugly emotion.

Envy & jealousy aren't quite the same.

I think envy is ok to express, and I often do. It just means you covet something, you don’t wish ill on the person who has it.

Jealousy is more taboo, as it implies some kind of unpleasantness.

@StMarie4me I agree with you. I don't want Adele to lose her voice & have seen her in concert. I'm not flogging myself each night because I can't sing.

There’s healthy jealousy and toxin jealousy, me and my best friend are always saying to each other oh I’m soooo jealous of what we have or what we are doing but we love each other. I’ve felt jealousy from others when they’ve been off or quite hostile and nasty when they are jealous

It's the absolute lived example of 'comparison is the thief of joy' - envy is totally normal but should be recognised as trivial bullshit that can't affect your life.

So it should be totally fine to go 'ooh I'm so envious of your lovely holiday to Bali!' as its actually being expressed as a compliment & everyone moves on.

However, if youre wishing that the person gets I'll so they can't go to Bali, just to make you feel better, or you get a buzz that they tell you they had a terrible time, then you're slipping into weird territory & need to have a look at yourself.

I thought it was the other way round. That envy is darker and more bitter, and jealousy more light - ie I'm jealous of your holiday but also glad for you that you get to go on holiday. Whereas the example above is more envy -- I envy your new house and have to destroy our friendship as a result. Bigger, darker, more global.

That’s a really great question.
It is really frowned upon, I agree with you.

I suppose we should be grateful for what we have, and if you say you are envious, is that of the whole picture or just that part of it. Very few people would swap their entire lives with someone else.

We all have something to be grateful for and acting enviously seems to belittle what you already have and should be grateful for.

Or with this, I'd say the first example is jealousy and the second is envy.