Why is envy such a taboo emotion to express?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Hi all,
Just wondering what people think about this. Envy is a totally natural emotion — we all feel it at some point — so why is it seen as so wrong to express it?
For example, if a friend gets a new phone, why is it awkward to just say, “I’m envious — that looks amazing!” without it sounding bitter or negative? It feels like we’re expected to suppress envy or disguise it as something else (e.g., joking or downplaying it), but isn’t it healthier to be honest?
Would love to hear your thoughts. Do you talk openly about feeling envious, or do you think it’s better to keep that kind of thing to yourself?
TIA!

I agree that envy and jealousy are different, with jealousy being more negative.

I am envious of my friend who had a fabulous, emotionally healthy childhood. It has enabled her to make such great decisions as an adult. But I don’t begrudge her and I try to learn from her.

Jealousy is seen on these boards regularly. “How can my SIL/friend/colleague/neighbour afford such a nice car/great holidays/SAHM?”

If the answer isn’t “they must be in loads of crushing debt” they don’t want to hear it. Both my sisters are extremely wealthy. I’m not jealous, I am so thrilled for them. Other people having nice things/experiences/relationships doesn’t detract a single thing from my life.

or you get a buzz that they tell you they had a terrible time, then you're slipping into weird territory & need to have a look at yourself.

That's schadenfreude

I do think alot of people dismiss any criticism as jealously though.

Yeah you're totally right (as several ppl has stated the same 🤣) I think I just use the words interchangeably and thought some of my feeling were more than envy. Nice to know I'm not such a bitter, jealous person after all!

I don't think it's taboo in real life. I say it often if I feel envious of someone.

I think the proper meaning of jealousy is more like possessiveness, e.g. a jealous boyfriend, but in real life we use it the same way we use envy.

If I say 'I envy you' or 'I'm jealous of you', I mean the same thing by both.

Because envy is immature.

If you want something work towards achieving it. Support other people s achievements and consider what you need to do to achieve your goals.

Wallowing in envy is a lazy waste of time.

If I say 'I envy you' or 'I'm jealous of you', I mean the same thing by both.

I would not take them the same way

I don't think the type of lighthearted envy you describe is taboo? It's completely normal for someone to say 'wow, your holiday sounds amazing-I'm so jealous!'.

I think it's the bitter type of envy that people judge. The kind where people seem annoyed by something someone else has or think they deserve something instead of someone else (why does she have a lovely partner/promotion/nice house, she's not even that attractive/clever/hardworking.)

If you want something work towards achieving it. Support other people s achievements and consider what you need to do to achieve your goals.

Wallowing in envy is a lazy waste of time.

Why is it that deep though? I only really envy Adele's voice when I'm signing along & sound like a drowning cat. I don't think hard work will make me sound like her & I'm quite happy with my life and actually don't want to be a famous singer.

It isn't the envy is it ? It is the bitterness that some people have they make themselves bloody miserable because they are "envious" of what they don't have.

There is a long thread running at the moment where the op envy.is making them bitter and quite frankly nasty about what looks like perfectly normal people living their lives.

Again for those at the back. Jealousy and envy are not the same thing.

Me last night to friend E “the house looks lovely, you have done an amazing job doing it up.”
E - the husband has done all the work himself so didn’t cost much.
Me- I thought that I am so pleased for her but also a bit jealous that she has a helpful husband. This is because I live on my own and when things break I really struggle trying to get tradespeople to fix it, be there when they come over etc as I have a non flexible job.
So I am genuinely happy for my friend but I wish I had some help with fixing things as well as it’s something I really struggle with.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with me feeling like that. It’s not spiteful as I don’t want her not to have the help I just wish things could be a bit easier for me as well.

I don't think what people are describing here (and what often I do) when they pay a compliment to someone by saying "Oh, you're off to Jamaica, I'm so jealous" isn't real jealousy or envy.

Both jealousy and envy are inherently negative emotions. It's not just wanting something it's feelings of bitterness and negativity towards others for having those things. Or feelings of deep dissatisfaction with one's own life. I felt huge envy when I was growing up in a slightly dysfunctional.home with a low income. I'm not sure it would've been helpful to express that to my peers but it would've been useful to have had some mental health support at the time to explore and recognise where those feelings were coming from and how to manage them and I think that is more accessible to people now through the Internet.

I think it’s totally cool to say aw wow I’m so jealous I’d love that too. Then the other person may tell you how they managed to get it or pass it down when they are done or whatever. Much better and more genuine to say what’s on your mind IMO rather than let that envy eat you up and look bitter.

Yes this is sort of how I see it - envy is wishing you had what someone else but still being happy for them that they have it. Jealousy is wishing you had what they have AND wishing they didn’t have it!

I am envious of my friend who married into serious money and has a big house; a couple of holiday homes, plus 3-4 holidays abroad a year; privately educates her children, drives nice new cars and basically has everything she could possibly want without having to work for it. But while I wish I was in the same boat, I would never want anything to jeopardise what she has - I love her and her kids, and I’m glad they have nice lives.

Did you express this to her? Because if that was me with my friend I would totally bring my husband over to fix whatever for you.

My life isn't amazing, it's just a quiet, happy little life and is the one I've made for myself. I genuinely never, ever feel envious of anyone or anything.

I like to sing, I don't sound like Adele, but I sound like me and that's enough.
I could want Michelle Obama's arms and if I worked out enough I could get something like it I suppose, but I accept I'm not willing to put in the work so my arms are just fine.

@Bridport but I also think i'm enough & can't obviously be bothered to lift weights for Michelle's arms. Sometimes I'm envious of my cat's lifestyle, imagine a day where your only task is choosing what spot to sleep in. I don't actually want to be a cat though & obviously don't want anything bad to happen to my cat!

Sums it up perfectly!

@guerdyguatd you should treat yourself to a day lazing like a cat. Sounds bliss.

Well I am still in bed dicking about on MNs but I have a ton of washing to do, a dc to collect & friends to see! 😆

OK. I needed to clarify this for my own understanding!

Jealousy: rooted in the fear of losing something you already have.
Something that you have (love,job) is threatened by a third party
When you feel jealousy you're scared of losing something you possess

Envy: rooted in wanting something someone else has that you lack.
A feeling that happens when you lack something that someone else has, job, house, success etc.

Both can have a dark and bitter side.

@Anna20MFG yes!I’m jealous if my friend flirts with my husband.

I’m envious of my friends new house