How can I support ADHD boyfriend to pull his finger out?

[Sera1989]

Didn’t really know where to put this or what to title it, but as the title says really!

He has all these ideas that never get followed through, for the last six months he has just kind of drifted along and I can see he is frustrated and miserable about it. He pretty much certainly has ADHD and wants to get a formal diagnosis but says he hasn’t had time to look into it (for months). His mum worked on a psych ward and recognised it in him as a kid, but now there are medications and therapies that weren’t around back then. My DBIL has recently been rediagnosed and started medication so I now do think there’s value in getting a diagnosis. I was looking at ASD assessments for myself and found a neuropsychologist who also does ADHD assessments, he sounds really nice and isn’t expensive. But is there any point in me sending my DBF a link? He needs to do things for himself and not because I encourage/nag him into it.

Things have come to a frustrating point for me because a friend recently passed away in her 30s. It has made me think about life, mortality and wasted time. I’ve been waking up early as I’m sad/stressed and I get more done while my boyfriend is asleep than he does when he’s awake (we don’t live together).

I want to be sensitive to his ADHD as it’s a disability and he thinks differently to me, but how can I support/encourage him to do things he has expressed he wants to do without just repeatedly asking about it or doing some of it for him? Advice from people with ADHD or who have it in their family would be really useful

As a much older woman I hand on heart recommend building a life for yourself that doesn’t make you this man’s support person. He needs to figure it out himself. Please don’t waste your life basically being mum to him.

I realise this is harsh if you love him but this will become a burden and grind you down.

I have one here, my DP. He actually wanted to pursue the diagnosis himself though. The medication helps but he has to take it regularly and it isn't a magic bullet. He still struggles to focus and get things done but it's as if the medication turns down the background noise for him.

By all means send him the link but he needs to take the action himself. It can be really draining supporting someone in this situation and if he won't help himself then you may need to reconsider the relationship. Sure it is difficult for him but it sounds like you are getting worn down too and you only get one go at this life.

It's worth looking at the ADHD Love channel on YouTube, or their podcast Late Bloomers.

If you want to continue the relationship, these will help give you insight (Roxy, one of the ppl on there has ADHD. Rich, her partner, believed he was NT, but now believes he is likely autistic).

Even though I likely have autism & ADHD myself (awaiting assessment) & everyone else in my home is neurodivergent I do regularly struggle with our differences - especially when it means things don't get done. Late Bloomers have recently had some episodes specifically about relationship challenges, which you might find helpful.

I have found the podcast helpful, along with: A Slob Comes Clean (not directly ADHD related but is helping get me started/continue with some tasks), and Organizing an ADHD Brain (Megs has ADHD and talks about diff strategies). The 'z' us not a typo, Megs is from the USA. Both interview others too. ASCC is how I found the other, as Dana interviewed Megs about ADHD specific challenges wrt cleaning/organisation.

I listen when washing up/cleaning. Makes it less boring. I do like other podcasts!

It can be challenging being in a relationship with someone who is ND. What I love about Rox/Rich is seeing how they manage to work with each other- including being honest when they're frustrated. My ExH is autistic and is a total raging shit as well, the latter was hell to live with.

Only you know if you want to (or have the energy) to continue. The fact you're looking for advice says you're really trying. Do bear in mind it can take ages on the NHS to get a diagnosis. My children have been on the waiting list for years. One was diag in 4yrs, the other has been waiting for 5yrs now. I can't afford to go private (£2k, but much faster). Not everyone find medication works for them - my diag DC needed to be persuaded to try more than one.

It doesn’t sound harsh, it’s my exact thinking at the moment. I don’t understand why things aren’t going well for him at the moment compared to previous years/times of his life, but he needs to prove he can take responsibility again before we move forward.

I have sadly lost a lot of people and after the grief my new mantra was to “move confidently towards my future”. That included being with someone very kind and caring, but also the practical side of life too.

I’m happy to encourage him during a difficult time if I understand how, but I don’t want to be someone’s mum (I’ve made this clear to him)

I'm so tired of people using ADHD / Autism as an excuse. I say this as someone who is a parent to two grown children with neurodivergence, both who are in industries where their neurodivergent traits are useful assets.

I would ditch him.

People with ADHD are hard, hard work.
Especially when they refuse to be diagnosed and / or won't accept a diagnosis and / or refuse medication.

ADHD doesn't come on its own.
It will be accompanied by at least one of the following: autism, aspergers, OCD, ODD, SAD, bipolar disorder.

I would get out now, if were you.

He won't. Dump him and find someone better. Given he's trying to find a diagnosis means he'll just use it as an excuse. Run, and fast!

@StepawayfromtheLindors nails it.

He won't change. Don't waste your time and energy even trying.

Not even diagnosed. You're deciding he's got it and using it to make excuses for him.

Honest to god just find someone else.

They don’t HAVE to be hard work. It’s just that many of them, these days use the excuse that they have been diagnosed with a recognised THING, and this is the reason for everything that is going wrong, or that they are unable to do, because of this THING, that is out of their control.

And it absolutely can come on it’s own.

Exactly. I've noticed especially online, a worrying trend that people with neurodivergents are never able to make any improvements. The never able to change, and there's just so many things they can't do, and everybody around them just has to accept it and give them what they want.

There is supports for the parents of autistic children to help them navigate their way through life. So equally if neuro divergent children can be helped to navigate life.So too can adults.

It's all too easy to say I m.Autistic so I can't do it and don't ask me to do it because I'll have a meltdown and burn out.

Stop trying to mend a grown man. You won't be thanked for it. Get a life of your own.

I agree with you, this is very harsh. Quite unnecessarily so. There is no such thing as the perfect partner. If the OP ditches this guy due to his ADHD, the next one might be a drunk, they one after that might not want children, the one after that will have some other problem.

OP, the biggest and best thing you can do is to encourage your BF to get a formal diagnosis. ADHD is highly treatable with medication. I have recently been diagnosed myself and my psychiatrist told me that people with untreated ADHD can achieve as much as anyone else, but they have to work MUCH harder. She was comparing a hamster being on a normal-sized hamster wheel to a hamster being on a massive wheel - the one on the big wheel has to run further to turn the wheel one revolution.

You can't. He has to want it for himself. You can help and support, you can let him know you will do anything to help but it needs to come from him first. You can expect decent standards and you don't need to tolerate bad behavior ie not pulling weight in relationship but you can't make him, he has to decide it's worth it to him.

Yes ultimately that may mean walking away but you are walking away not because he has adhd but because he can't meet your needs in a relationship.

I’m so sad reading some of these posts right now! I utterly despair of humanity sometimes and why we seem to have no compassion. ADHD IS a disability. It isn’t linear so you may have years bobbing along nicely but then suddenly life becomes more difficult. Equally some people with ADHD struggle less than others, it’s so very individual and it isn’t an excuse! It’s frankly disgusting the way people with ADHD are talked about.
if you were talking about people with Parkinson’s for example would people be sitting there saying they’re lazy it’s an excuse, plenty of people with Parkinson’s get on with it. It’s disgusting and sickening to be openly talking about a group of disabled people as if they’re worthless. “Get rid of him” “do better” “move on with your life and don’t waste your time”.
Worst of all from actual parents with children with ADHD, I pity your kids if they find a time in their life where things become more challenging for them.
if you love this man and can see a future with him warts and all then you need to help him. See the areas he’s struggling in and ask him where he would like things to change and improve and then help him with those things. Put strategies in place that make things easier for him so things like baskets and things where specific things can go, it’s easier to keep tidy if things have a place. Set reminders with him about things like washing.
I highly recommend the podcast “distracted” lots of interesting guests and loads of people who are really good at vocalising the challenges and how to help.

This thread hurts to read honestly.

ADHD feels to me like a mental disability and it honestly feels so shameful being an adult who can’t do regular life. Especially hearing what people really think about it. It’s frustrating and sometimes frightening thinking about the future.

I’ve spent my whole life trying but looking like I’m not trying. There’s an unexplainable block between knowing what to do, wanting to do something and being able to do it. And big chunks of time where I’m worse than usual and can’t get out of it until some magic day where something clicks. And that’s where the disability lies.

(When I read other people with adhd saying they can do things easily, I really don’t get it. I don’t understand why they have a diagnosis if that’s the case.)

OP, I do think you’re right to be feeling the way you do, because he’ll struggle really hard trying to match up to what you need and you’ll both be unhappy. You need someone without that block if you want a life of reaching goals together.

I took this screenshot recently that sums up my life

he needs to prove he can take responsibility again before we move forward

Asking on MN how you can help him sounds like the opposite, though.

Do you honestly think that he hasn’t done the things you think he should be doing because no-one has sent him the right website link or article yet?

If he wanted to change, he would

Maybe he will change in the future and/or seek out some support. But my advice is: don’t plan your future based on the potential you see in him - base your plans on who he is in reality.

If you don’t see a happy future with him if he stays as he is now, don’t move things forward, as it will only end in frustration and resentment.

@Pinkissmart I totally agree. I have a whole ND family ranging from highest support needs to highest functioning. The broadening of criteria has done no favours to those looking for excuses for their behaviour/chaos/ low motivation. Diagnosis should be for those who NEED significant support to function day to day. For the rest it's about self education and navigating life accordingly. Rant over!

Life is too short OP. Be with someone who can compliment your outlook on life. He can be someone else’s thorn.

Worst of all from actual parents with children with ADHD, I pity your kids if they find a time in their life where things become more challenging for them

I would be extremely concerned (for both parties) if my adult DS ended up in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to take over as his carer but ended up doing so because s/he mistakenly assumed he would change and somehow morph into a completely different person in the future.

If this man has ADHD, that’s not going to change, and no amount of medication/strategising is going to remove the underlying condition. Sure, some things can be made easier, but realistically, it’s always going to take a huge amount of effort to live with ADHD even with the right medication and support. If OP isn’t up for those challenges (which will inevitably affect her life too), she’s perfectly entitled to walk away from the relationship, and I think it’s hugely unfair to judge her for being realistic and honest about the situation.

suggest he goes to GP and ask for Psychiatry Now, quick waiting list, right to choose

There is no such thing as the perfect partner. If the OP ditches this guy due to his ADHD, the next one might be a drunk, they one after that might not want children, the one after that will have some other problem.

This is ludicrous. I have a professional career, I am financially independent, I have a rich life outside of work with hobbies and travel. I am kind and thoughtful so my friends say.

Is it too much to ask to want someone the same?

Are you saying she should accept someone with ADHD because the next one might be a drunk?

There really are some people in existence who dont have life restricting problems.

I’m absolutely not judging the op in the slightest. She’s recognised there are challenges and wants to see if there are ways of helping him but ultimately she needs to decide if she can live with it all , the good, the bad and the ugly.
my post was more for everyone else just saying walk away now. No one is perfect and everyone has some issues and relationships are about supporting each other and working through any challenges together.

And from threads I've read on here many times, it appears that some of them use it as an excuse to be insufferably difficult - in some cases downright abusive, and expect their DP to have to put up with it all because Diagnosis of Whateveritis.