How can I support ADHD boyfriend to pull his finger out?

[Sera1989]

Didn’t really know where to put this or what to title it, but as the title says really!

He has all these ideas that never get followed through, for the last six months he has just kind of drifted along and I can see he is frustrated and miserable about it. He pretty much certainly has ADHD and wants to get a formal diagnosis but says he hasn’t had time to look into it (for months). His mum worked on a psych ward and recognised it in him as a kid, but now there are medications and therapies that weren’t around back then. My DBIL has recently been rediagnosed and started medication so I now do think there’s value in getting a diagnosis. I was looking at ASD assessments for myself and found a neuropsychologist who also does ADHD assessments, he sounds really nice and isn’t expensive. But is there any point in me sending my DBF a link? He needs to do things for himself and not because I encourage/nag him into it.

Things have come to a frustrating point for me because a friend recently passed away in her 30s. It has made me think about life, mortality and wasted time. I’ve been waking up early as I’m sad/stressed and I get more done while my boyfriend is asleep than he does when he’s awake (we don’t live together).

I want to be sensitive to his ADHD as it’s a disability and he thinks differently to me, but how can I support/encourage him to do things he has expressed he wants to do without just repeatedly asking about it or doing some of it for him? Advice from people with ADHD or who have it in their family would be really useful

But ND isn’t a linear thing. Just because you can do something one day doesn’t mean there won’t be days you can’t. My son coped incredibly well until year 3 of school when he suddenly needed huge support. All ADHD is valid because just because they’re ok now and “high functioning” (absolutely loathe that term by the way nust because they’re coping doesn’t mean it’s struggle free or easy) doesn’t mean to say that will always be the case. Especially for women, pregnancy and menopause can really heighten ADHD traits so why shouldn’t anyone with ADHD have the right to that diagnosis.
the problem with a lot of ND is executive functioning can be severely impacted so it’s really not as easy to say it’s about “self education”. I’d suggest greater “self education” yourself around ND because just being around ND people doesn’t make you an expert. Studying a variety of resources on the topic and different experts and perspectives will give you valuable insight and perhaps you would then find some empathy.

You put this much better than I did. Wholeheartedly agree.

As a mother to two children with ADHD this is absolutely devastating to read. What a nasty nasty person you are.

I have adhd. I know quite a few others - children and adults with it.
Unless in its most severe form it’s not a disability. It’s a neurodivergent condition. Yes it makes life more challenging but it’s not like being in a wheelchair, a paraplegic or something of that ilk.
The issue it to find what motivates you - sadly this is often urgency! And also to build better habits. And a combination of kindness and self compassion and not making excuses.
Your BF has to do this for himself. You can sign post but it’s up to him to actually do it. And he can.
You have to find the techniques that work for you. Eg reminders. For me it’s diary entries with multiple reminders popping up. For my son it’s sending himself emails.

There are some incredibly ignorant people on this thread. It goes to show what I already knew, that nothing changes. 😔

The thing is, there are people who are very happy to be in a relationship with people who have ADHD, and there’s OP, who patently isn’t. She equally deserves to be happy and if her boyfriend can’t or won’t address his condition what is she supposed to do?

It absolutely is a disability and just because you’ve been fortunate enough to be ok doesn’t mean it isn’t a disability. My son to the outside world would absolutely appear ok and certainly not what anyone would describe as severe. Indeed that was exactly the issue for him school didn’t see his disability and didn’t see where he was struggling and his disability means he wasn’t able to speak up for himself or indeed often identify what help he actually needed.
he’s 11 years old and outside of our family people see a fairly typical 11 year old but the sheer amount of scaffolding and support he needs to be able to be in the world that alienates ND people I can’t even begin to put into words.
the world needs to change and it needs to be more inclusive and we get that by accepting that it is a disability but one that affects individual in many different ways and at different times of their lives.
my brother was late diagnosed at 40 and most people were shocked except those close enough to have seen how his life was. He flitted from job to job, he couldn’t settle at anything, he suffered from low self esteem which he hid with bravado. He hadn’t made good financial decisions and the path his life was on with a family was a very fragile one so thank goodness he got his diagnosis, support and now medication that has transformed his life. He now has his own successful marketing business with some incredibly prestigious companies as clients. Never judge a book by its cover. He was doing “ok” but now with the help he is flying!

Put his phone in his hand and tell him to make a doctors appointment to ask for a referal through right to choose for an ADHD assessment.

ADHD in its most severe form can actually be incredibly disabling.
It was spotted in me as a possibility in my childhood and teens, but my Mother wouldn't allow me to go for assessment (this was back in the '90s).
I actually only pulled my finger out and went for assessment when my DC were toddlers (spotted ADHD and Autism traits in them very early on). I was diagnosed with severe combined ADHD (and later, Autism). Medication was an absolute game changer for me, as was my own extensive research AND therapy. My 2 DC are also 'AuDHD' and, thanks to me getting them assessed early and school being great re: SEN support (including an EHCP for the younger of the two), as well as both having therapy, now that they are KS2 age, life is looking a lot brighter for them.
Having a partner with undiagnosed neurodivergence can be incredibly challenging. It was suggested to my ex husband that he would benefit from an ADHD assessment (not my suggestion, btw, but that of a professional), but he refused as he doesn't really believe in 'that sort of thing'. He has crashed through life, consistently losing jobs, friends, opportunities and has struggled with addiction at times and, even though I identified with his struggles, his inability to take responsibility for his own well-being (and steuggles) was a massive factor in our split.

I have ADHD, diagnosed as an adult last year. You are not this man's emotional support human. He needs to figure this out for himself. Don't excuse his driftlessness his behaviour is his behaviour and it has the same outcome regardless of the cause. Think very, very carefully before building a life with him.

The ND bashing on this thread is surprising, so MN is all for SEN diagnosis for kids and support in schools but not for grown men because they must be using it as an excuse or faking? My boyfriend has a vocational career and has never missed work even with an infected tooth abscess, he is clean, does his housework, dotes on his cats and I would have no worries leaving a baby with him. (He also adores me). He is drifting at the moment, but he tries really hard and does much better than half the men in other MN threads, so he’s not the loser that some posters think he must be.

Some people seem to have skimmed over the bit where I said I found a neuropsychologist because I was looking for an ASD assessment for myself. I’m sure being with me isn’t a bed of roses at times. Should he be running from me because I’m also ND and there’s the potential for me to use it as an excuse for life being hard, even though I’d really prefer to be NT, and I’m putting off a diagnosis because I’m hoping maybe one more year of therapy will be the one that makes me normal?

It’s true that I’m finding it hard at the moment and I want to continue not doing things for him. But I think I could do a lot worse than him and I want to know that I gave him the best chance rather than being a hindrance before I resort to all the suggested running away.

😮‍💨 Glad I got that out

Well yes im all for diagnoses in children as catch it early and they can have support at school etc.

Not saying he is faking it but whats the point in a diagnosis now as an adult. What will he gain from it.

My boyfriend has a vocational career and has never missed work even with an infected tooth abscess, he is clean, does his housework, dotes on his cats and I would have no worries leaving a baby with him. (He also adores me).

If that's true, and he is as amazing as you say then what's the point of a diagnosis? He's done all right up until now.

I've been told I have ND traits. I could probably be diagnosed with something. What's the point now. Diagnosis or not I'll still be me. I'll just live life.

Nice. You do realise not everyone with ADHD can take the meds don’t you. I can’t. I was taken off mine due to a heart problem. I need them but I’ve had to find ways to cope without them.

luckily my dh (late) didn’t run a mile and was supportive to me.

yes we can be hard work, but not all of us let it define who we are or use it as an excuse. I fucking don’t. Yes I won’t deny it’s affected my life especially as I’ve not been able to take meds but I damn well make sure it doesn’t affect my family. I work and am not lazy,

i hate, hate the judgment by ignorant people about the realities of ADHD. We are all different

and no I don’t have any other co morbidities, again not all of us do. That’s my hospital consultants opinion. So you are wrong there

My DH has ASD and ADHD. He's a good person and a good partner, we've been together for 35 years.

I disagree completely that he has to make the appt, @Sera1989. If you make the appt to support him, it might be what he needs and once he is diagnosed and it is confirmed he has ADHD you can figure out from there what support he needs and what support you are good with giving. If I had said fuck off and get your own appt to my partner because I was giving him an arbitrary test to see if he was willing to do it, my DH would still probably be unmedicated and undiagnosed. It's perfectly feasible to me that an undiagnosed, unmedicated person with ND isn't actually capable of managing to get an appt despite their best intentions. If after the appt and after meds etc are given, he still remains incapable, that's a different kettle of fish.

Please don’t let it upset you. FWIW I have 3 dc with ADHD and autism and all are grown (youngest is 15) my eldest, boy and girl aged 25 and 22 are successful adults with jobs and steady relationships , my son has severe adhd and I won’t deny he is hardwork even with meds but his gf is amazing with him but he is with her too in different ways.

my dd has got a degree in conservation, is a research scientist in a well sought after post and is happy and settled with her boyfriend.

it's so sad to see so much negativity and ignorance on this thread. I had really hoped things were so changing but it’s not is it.

I've just been diagnosed in my 50s. It is very helpful to get diagnosed at any time of life.

Shame I wasn't diagnosed many years ago because the effort of trying to mask has left me in almost permanent burnout and I am now too unwell to work:

You can obviously only get ADHD medication with a diagnosis and the medication helps most (but not all) patients. When I first took the ADHD medication, it instantly took the physical symptoms of stress away - I didn't even know I had them until they disappeared. It feel so much calmer, more focused and generally more well on the medication. As soon as the medication wears off, those symptoms come back again.

The other reason to get a diagnosis is to understand yourself better and therefore treat yourself with more compassion and understanding. Similarly with your nearest and dearest. My adult DC2 also recently got diagnosed and I am now much more understanding of some of her issues. I now realize that the majority of them are things that she can't help because they are down to her ADHD . I am now a better position with both DC2 and myself to find strategies that are likely to help.

Because going to work and being clean isn’t amazing, it’s the minimum we can reasonably expect from a healthy NT person. I just wanted to make the point that he’s not a loser or dickhead like some posters assumed, but the minimum of life takes all his focus and energy. My DBIL has recently started on medication again and he says it’s really helping him. In the recent ADHD AMA thread, the person who works in diagnosis says the condition can often be misdiagnosed as depression and that lifts when someone finds the right medication. So I think there is value in diagnosis for him but, like you, I could probably get by without diagnosis because there’s no treatment for me and I don’t struggle to do more than the basics of life

Be that as it may youre doing him no favours. My DP has some ND going on quite badly with comorbidities such as OCD again badly

Im probably ND too as we tend to attract each other. My DP isn't diagnosed nor medicated though he likely needs it.

He's an adult and it's his choice. Stop infantilising him.

I can tell you I've lived with and married dysfunctional men and nothing on earth would make me take this on again.
It's NOT disability discrimination. I'm entitled to a life with someone who is my equal who I don't have to babysit through life.
I'm.not a carer or their mum.

Agreed. Partners of ND people often report feeling genuinely abused by their partner in ways that aren’t acceptable in NT partners but feel forced to accept it due to their partner’s diagnosis.

its really hard in a relationship a ND person when your entire life has to revolve around them and their needs and limitations because ' they can't help it' and you as the NT person are the sacrificial lamb to their needs.

OP seems to want to sign herself up for this but it isn't discrimination to want the only life you will ever have to be free of this.

The bashing of neurodivergent people on this thread is shocking. So unkind. Everyone knows ND people who appear fine and are highly successful but that isn't a reason to bash people who for whatever reason are struggling.

You mention that he's drifted for the last 6 months? What was he like before this? Does he have any thoughts as to why this may be? A lot of ADHD people struggle with freeze and decision paralysis and general executive functionand I wonder if that plays a part. Once set down a path it's easier to keep the momentum but starting is the issue.

Does he even want diagnosis? Meds are not a be all and end all. I can't take them due to other completely unrelated medical issues. The main benefit comes with understanding yourself better. Coaching may help and researching other coping mechanisms. Consider if body doubling for some things might help (could be you for some things, or a friend or someone who is paid for that sort of thing). Ask him? It isn't necessary infantalising someone l, ultimately it is up to him to find out what works for him but I don't see a huge issue in helping someone you love explore how to get themselves out of a rut

My DH has ADHD and he is an energetic and ambitious person. He’s incredibly clever but not in an academic way, in a practical way. He can fabricate anything, whether it is building work, metalwork or woodwork. His broad skills never cease to amaze me, many people have called him a genius. However, he is the most untidy person on this planet and I spend my life tidying up after him, he can get very frustrated and flustered with people. It has taken him a long time to find his way in this NT world but once he found his calling there was no stopping him. He’d be a terrible employee but is incredibly motivated as a self employed person. I would say that I don’t think you can push your BF into doing anything about the diagnosis but maybe if you keep mentioning it over a period of time and say that you know somebody that could diagnose him. Keep hinting. I would also start sending him the videos/reels from “ADHD Love”. They’re on fb and TikTok, perhaps if he can see all the similarities it might push him to get diagnosed? They are raising awareness at the same time as celebrating ADHD.

Honestly, i suspect you're just a bad fit. Diagnosis or not, this is who he is, and you find it frustrating. That doesn't make either of you bad people, but perhaps just not suited. If you want to stick with it, a diagnosis won't change much, maybe meds will help but they might not. He needs to build structure and processes into his life, but I suspect he finds sticking to those hard and motivation to do it might be hard. You can help him with ideas, planning tools, managing strategies ' the Internet has a wealth of resources for adhd but you can't make him do it unfortunately. My son is nd, we put in place strategies, we discuss help available and we build structure and extra time into things BUT he knows he has to lean in, take them help, follow the processes, utilise the structures and the extra time, ask for time out when he needs breaks etc. If your bf cant/won't do that, nothing you suggest will help. If he's previously coped and now it's different, has he thought about what's changed (stress, job, exercise, diet etc) as that also may help (again, he's got to find out and address it himself)

Wow how nasty to say ADHDers are hard work.
Diagnosed at 58 yet always worked to excess at times.
Clean house bills paid kids all taught manners and kindness.
Luckily I just found out because if I saw this I may despair.
I wouldn't want another unambitious man as I agree trying to help someone who won't help them self is v hard.
Not sure about the ADHD bashing on here though.!!

Just be careful of getting a private diagnosis that the NHS will accept it if he wants to get his meds through them. I know many people who have had this issue.