Any eye opener re what saving money means to different people

[SunShow]

I was brought up by very thrifty parents. I thought crumpets were a luxury until my teens! We never ate out, never had an ice cream from a van when you could get them from a supermarket so much cheaper etc, always took a flask on a day out, no one even thought of going to a tea shop. They were happy to spend on good quality clothes, generous gifts and a fun day out, but wouldn't "waste" money on things that could be done just as well cheaper with a bit of planning.

I was like this when DC were young. Maybe not quite as extreme, we did eat out for a treat, but I always had drinks and snacks with me, felt I'd "failed" if I got caught out and had to buy a bottle of water. It paid off, looking after the pennies really does mean the pounds look afterthemselves.

Now as a middle aged single woman with grown up DC, I'm very comfortable. After I became single, I made an effort to build a new life which involved lots of socialising and trips away. I have spent money with bells on for the first time in my life. One particular group of friends think nothing of £150 each for an evening out and will do that several times a month. We also go away for long weekends abroad 5/6 times a year.

It's been a lot of fun, got me through a difficult period and I can afford it, but I've felt for a while it's all a bit much and in some ways I do prefer a simpler life.

This coincides with me seeing a man who is also part of this group, although maybe less established in it. Within a few weeks he confided that he can't keep up with the spending. He's "OK", has a decent income and lifestyle but this is extreme.

I've said I agree, more than happy to keep "our" time very simple and just see these people once in a while, which is what we've been doing.

So for example, we had a day out yesterday. A long walk and a picnic. Had a lovely time, spent nearly nothing. Except he's still buying ice cream, coffee and a pub meal on the way home 🤣

Yes, it's much less extravagant, than our friends, but to me it's not being careful.

This is light hearted, I'm happy to have a pub meal and woukd have said so if I didn't want to, but I do wonder if people who complain they're broke really know how to save money. The pennies and pounds thing.

I was brought up like you were and my parents were visably unhappy to having to buy a bottle of water when we went out and trips were carefully planned around not spending any money. Or as little as possible.
The other extreme is how your friends are with money and spending , for many life is short and spend it on things you like. We are all different and a lot also depends on if you have it to spare or not as well.
When the children were young I used to save up coupons and vouchers for a theme parks , but it was only once a year if that.
My sons friends are very thrifty and he is the same , they are only in their 20s but try not to waste money and look for the deals on any days out.
Your friends are lucky they are not counting the pennies , but if you’re happier with simplier things then you do that ! Sometimes that’s more fun than spending loads and lots of things are still free or not too expensive. Travel costs put me off doing much these days and getting anywhere isn’t always easy.

I grew up in similar circumstances, and I find dh’s approach baffling. The man loves a deal but has no concept of just not buying something instead. He genuinely believes he’s saving money by buying the 3 for 2 deal when we only need 1 and the rest will go to waste (which is why he rarely goes grocery shopping) He also sees leisure spending as essential rather than discretionary and when we went through a sticky patch, he couldn’t fathom the idea of giving up eating out, or dropping subscription services.

That said, he’s very driven to earn well, whereas I was content to be frugal in a lower paid profession, so I’m not complaining.

I think the root of this is the mentality around money. Money is a means to an end. It must never be I’m yes with more importance than that. It shouldn’t rule you, although unless/until you have enough it will. But you do have enough. You are comfortable. It’s okay to say no to spending £150 pp in a single night. It’s ok to say no to coffee on the way home (where you have coffee). But it’s less okay to say no to enjoying ice cream together on a sunny day by the sea because you’re worried about spending £4.50. The priority is the togetherness: is that worth £4.50, or is indulging your demons worth £4.50? Don’t give money more importance than it deserves relative to the other things in your life. You should rule your money, it shouldn’t rule you.

An acquaintance of mine had a partner who was incredibly tight with money and took it to extremes.
I feel you need a balance , but how your brought up around money is always a factor I think and if your parents were like this then it’s highly likely you may be the same too. I’ve often found the wealthier people are the tighter they can be too , but that is a generalization I know. Maybe they are just better at managing it ?

That's interesting becuase really, why is sharing an ice cream better than sharing the view or a packet of sweets you took with you?

I’d find £ 150 a lot for one evening, but then I know things are not cheap anymore and a round of drinks can be a lot in some places ( for example ) I suppose if you don’t mind spending this amount then people can go for it.

Similar.to you

That how I've been brought up.

Always found saving easy.

Find it a bit difficult to spend but make an effort where the kids are involved.

Quite comfortable now.

But the main difficulty is trying to spend the money when I've been so frugal for so long.

I try and spend the money on experiences for myself/ the kids as I find I don't really get much satisfaction from buying items that people would normally spend big on- e.g. jewellery/ handbags/ shoes etc.

I think you’ve experienced two massive extremes: spend nothing vs spend £150 on a night out. This new man sounds like he actually has a healthy attitude to money, which is somewhere in the middle. He’s not judging the success or otherwise of a date based on how much money he spends on it, he just enjoys spending time with you and didn’t want the date to end.

I find the meanings attributed to words fascinating. You think spending - what, £30? is not being ‘careful’. Ask him how he would describe what he spent yesterday and see what word he comes up with, just out of curiosity.

Either way, I think you need a reset on what your shared ‘normal’ is, our you’re going to end up in a situation where you think a perfectly acceptable pattern of spending is profligate and he’s going to think you’re mean. If you like this man, don’t let the money issue rule your relationship - @HiRenspeaks wisely.

It’s not ‘better’ (assuming you don’t need that £4 or whatever to keep the roof over your head). It’s just ‘different’.

It’s not. But if you’re out together and don’t happen to have a bag of sweets on you when you fancy something sweet, then why not get an ice cream if you want one? Of course enjoying the view is an alternative or additional option. But if you want an ice cream, why not have one? It’s not a necessary pre-requisite to enjoying the view. Sometimes, it’s a nice extra.

This is what I mean. You really could take this to an extreme. Don’t ever spend anything, ever, anywhere because you can stay at home and spend nothing or do only free things. If you have the money, and enough savings and a pension etc, why not if you want to?

Value for money is a different question and personally where I stumble.

I’m actually trying to spend LESS money. We are fortunate in our lifestyle that we just don’t really have to think about it so we buy take aways, coffee, dinners out, weekends away and it doesn’t matter. Except it’s annoying because although we save a decent amount - £900-£1500/month not including pensions, I am very aware we could be saving more by just not being frivolous.

So I am now trying not to spend any money during the weeks except for on petrol. I was spending £30 odd quid every time I went to the office and eventually it stopped feeling like a treat that was making me day better and started feeling like a drain on my finances. So I’m now bringing in lunch and coffee and when something runs out I am trying to wait until payday to replace it unless it is an essential item

I actually hate spending money on frivolous things or on myself and I believe it’s because we just didn’t have it as children to waste on anything other than rent and bills. I do get a thrill out of being able to save a bit each month , but then maybe I’m the one with the problem.
Some don’t care and happily spend a fortune on things even if they haven’t really got it

I think it's a bit more complicated than "some people are thrifty and some people are spenders". People prioritise their money differently. For example, you say in your OP that you're happy to spend money on "good quality clothes, generous gifts and a fun day out" but less happy to spend on drinks or eating out. But I disagree. Personally I'm not generous with gifts (I also don't expect generous gifts) because I think it's hard to get right and the money often ends up being wasted. I don't spend much on clothes either. But I'm happy to spend money on drinks or eating out, to me that's a fun thing to do with friends and worth paying for. Who's to say that you're right and I'm wrong?

He's not complaining he's broke though is he? There's levels of everything.

I also grew up with parents like yours, although it eased off as they got older and had more spare cash. It was weird stuff like buying me a camera for my birthday but then refusing to buy any film or pay for processing because it was expensive. I didn’t get much pocket money so couldn’t pay for it myself either.

I also had a partner who was as tight as a gnat’s chuff and who took all the joy out of going somewhere by refusing to buy a cup of tea, so we’d sit outside in the cold shivering over a flask while others sat in a warm cafe. Since we split I have taken great enjoyment from simply sitting in a cafe enjoying tea and cake.

Spending £150 regularly for a night out sounds a lot to me but if you can afford it, no problem. Why not - you can’t take it with you.

As a family we don’t buy many gifts for each other and spend a lot at Christmas or on birthdays , but it is what it is and we all feel the same way about it.
I guess if people start competing with each other that can be worse too and sets a precedent of spending a lot. Or having family who may expect a certain level of spending to take place because that’s how it is.

I was brought up in the middle ground - my parents didn't begrudge me an ice cream from the van on a day out, we went on plenty of holidays, we ate out in restaurants (not frequently, but always on high days and holidays). They weren't wasteful and they liked to get best value by shopping around and saving rather than borrowing for bigger purchases. But they enjoyed experiencing things that cost money and they did what they could with what they had. We weren't very well off, but they were canny with money.

I take the same approach now. I work in financial services, so saving and getting best value is an occupational hazard. We have enough in savings, but I also like spending on treats. I don't think going in a cafe at the seaside for a knickerbocker glory can be compared to getting a box of Cornettos from Iceland and divvying them out on a bench - both are fine, but if the opportunity and the money's there to do something special, I'm going for the sundae. I've very rarely regretted spending a few quid on an experience.

£150 on a night out is obviously in a different category, I'd have no problem denying myself that pleasure!

I grew up in a similar background to you OP, and a result love nothing more than a nice coffee shop, lunch out, or general frivolousness. I hadn't realised quite how much it all added up until covid hit and suddenly we had so much extra!

I'm trying to find a middle way now - we can afford these little luxuries thankfully but it's good to save a bit more I guess.

Avoid spending £5 a day on coffee and cake in the office for 35 years and save nearly 40k

dont get a £10 takeaway every week for 35 years and save another 20k ( or get one less takeaway )

( assumption money invested so your money grows with inflation so it doesn’t matter that prices were lower 35 years ago )

little savings across the board can sharp add up and don’t negatively affect my quality of life - I eat more healthily as a result with all the benefits that brings , I do more active travel with all the benefits that brings ( as well as saving the petrol money !)

I completely agree, other than that, sadly, £150 is now pretty much the minimum that a meal for two with a bottle of wine and some water is going to cost...even in a chain type restauarant such as Cote or Brasserie Blanc!

This is £150 each though, £300 for two.

I think I'm similar in that it's natural for me to want to take food and drink out with us most of the time, then have some odd treats here and there like an icecream.
It's a nice feeling also when you've saved money by doing that, and maybe other things like doing diy or buying used items, that you can have the occasional day where you go and eat and drink out and buy nice things without paying too much attention to the cost, it's a great feeling that you've earned.

But then, I'd never want to be seen as being mean - my children used to complain a little that when they were out with their grandparents, they were never treated to an icecream, they never spent money on themselves either, I assumed this was because they had poor pensions and little savings, but then I later found out they had a huge amount of savings to be passed down, it seems sad not to enjoy a little bit of all you saved for, and unnecessarily mean.

I grew up in a very thrifty family (from necessity) and my husband didn't (they were comfortably off).

What I notice is that some people can balance saving money where it doesn't detract from the quality of life, and spending where it will give you a little bit of a nicer time. And from the outside it looks arbitrary and a bit spendthrift.

So in his head it could be 'well, I am having a nice day with this person and a pub lunch isn't much in the grand scheme of things' whereas cutting back on a few £150 nights out that perhaps he doesn't enjoy as much feels like a saving worth making.

And from the outside there is no logic there, but internally it might be quite complimentary to you, actually!

I think it’s an individual thing. My 19 year old daughter is very thrifty. Will take bottled water rather than pay for drinks, never eats out without money off vouchers, buys clothes on Vinted, thinks about cost of petrol before making journeys. I don’t.

A lot.of the time when you've gone for a day out.

It's actually better to take your own food.

So you don't have to wait in long queues, sometimes the food isn't suitable. Or is just disgusting. My kids are very picky eaters.

And it's just normal to just pack rucksack with some water when we're going out. It's doesn't feel like we're denying ourselves anything.

When we were younger we just wouldn't drink as much the kids do these days. Just drink fluids with a meal. Think that was also partly to avoid toilet breaks.