Any eye opener re what saving money means to different people

[SunShow]

I was brought up by very thrifty parents. I thought crumpets were a luxury until my teens! We never ate out, never had an ice cream from a van when you could get them from a supermarket so much cheaper etc, always took a flask on a day out, no one even thought of going to a tea shop. They were happy to spend on good quality clothes, generous gifts and a fun day out, but wouldn't "waste" money on things that could be done just as well cheaper with a bit of planning.

I was like this when DC were young. Maybe not quite as extreme, we did eat out for a treat, but I always had drinks and snacks with me, felt I'd "failed" if I got caught out and had to buy a bottle of water. It paid off, looking after the pennies really does mean the pounds look afterthemselves.

Now as a middle aged single woman with grown up DC, I'm very comfortable. After I became single, I made an effort to build a new life which involved lots of socialising and trips away. I have spent money with bells on for the first time in my life. One particular group of friends think nothing of £150 each for an evening out and will do that several times a month. We also go away for long weekends abroad 5/6 times a year.

It's been a lot of fun, got me through a difficult period and I can afford it, but I've felt for a while it's all a bit much and in some ways I do prefer a simpler life.

This coincides with me seeing a man who is also part of this group, although maybe less established in it. Within a few weeks he confided that he can't keep up with the spending. He's "OK", has a decent income and lifestyle but this is extreme.

I've said I agree, more than happy to keep "our" time very simple and just see these people once in a while, which is what we've been doing.

So for example, we had a day out yesterday. A long walk and a picnic. Had a lovely time, spent nearly nothing. Except he's still buying ice cream, coffee and a pub meal on the way home 🤣

Yes, it's much less extravagant, than our friends, but to me it's not being careful.

This is light hearted, I'm happy to have a pub meal and woukd have said so if I didn't want to, but I do wonder if people who complain they're broke really know how to save money. The pennies and pounds thing.

we like money to be only spent on experiences and travel really - so we always have year passes for theme parks and things like that - we go a lot - but never buy any food or drinks there so it is well worth the initial cost as we get our moneys worth out of it ! and the days out are essentially free as we bring food and drinks from home (we just pay the public transport fare)

we buy tickets for stuff for birthdays and Christmas presents

We go on a lot of holidays - but we barely ever spend money on clothes or any stuff - only necessities for the kids (obvs the adults get clothes when needed)

we chose to not have a car (don't really need it as we live in London next to brilliant transport and cycle everywhere too.

My son’s friends are brilliant at bargain hunting and best deals and so on, but then they want to go out a lot to gigs and city breaks and things that wouldn’t interest me and prepared to only book up air b and bs etc , where I’d prefer a travel inn or something like that if I was going there.

It's interesting. Certainly my parents attitude towards money has rubbed off on me a little.

I think one of the problems is a lot of peoples relationship with money is dysfunctional. It's one thing to splurge out on stuff unnecessarily but quite another to spend absolutely nothing and live on bread and water.

To me often people seem to fall into one of these extreme catagories. They are either super tight and don't want to spend anything and have miserable lives as result, or complete spendthrifts that waste money like water and often end up in financial trouble.

I'd like to think I have got the balance right between those two points of saving and spending, but I am sure people from both sides would disagree with me.

I've known people from both sides and trying to be friends with them leads to problems. It's hard to get the balance right. If you are with someone who doesn't want to spend then it feels bad spending stuff while they are moping around being miserable spending nothing, and if you are with a spendthrift they are often annoyed that you don't exhibit the same casual attitude towards money they do.

I very much like to do as I do and let other people do what they want. But that can be difficult if for example you are on holiday with someone who has quite a different attitude to you as regards spending.

I wish I was brought up with your mentality sometimes (light heartedly). Us having a picnic as children was a novelty and not a norm, my OH was brought up to be quite frugal with things like this but for me, everything was focused around convenience. If we could eat where ever we was going for the day we would, mum and dad both worked full time during the week so I kind of understand their mentality but now to me, a day out isn’t complete without a trip to the cafe or a coffee and slice of cake somewhere. I’m super frivolous with money and wish I could be more on the ball with stuff.

There’s a middle ground.

pils were very frugal. I remember the day out we went on (to a free place, obviously, they never paid entrance to anywhere, season tickets or not) where the picnic they had brought for six people was a baguette and six bananas.

there’s being sensible with Money and then there’s being hungry because you only brought a banana and water for the whole day.

personally I really value coffees in coffee shops because for me they are a treat.

Oh yes, you are right, but if the minimum in a chain is £150 then usually you are in for £200+/-, so £300 for somewhere a bit better, while it feels like a lot objectively probably isn’t anymore unfortunately. I spent £100 in a Sussex pub on two (very good) steak sandwiches and a couple glasses on wine at lunchtime today!

I am similar to you OP. We have a packed lunch prepared the night before for every weekend/school holidays and rarely eat out. We have the money to do it, but I find it poor value and the dcs fiind it less fun than having a picnic. My parents were frugal but more out of necessity - they didn't have the money to spend, rather than choosing to save money they had. I find it satisfying for my money to build up (I invest it well and like checking my investment performance). For me, every penny not spent on things I don't value is another penny that can go towards our financial security.

DH has the same attitude to me and we never argue about money. I'm probably a bit more frivolous than he is but he doesn't question what I spend.

I do splurge in other areas - I always get ice creams on a hot day out (because you can't pack it up from home, although sometimes we'll get a supermarket multipack if it's convenient). And we'll spend loads on experiences like theatre tickets, concerts, extracurriculars and day trips. I don't have much of a social life and never go out drinking so that's part of an entertainment budget for me. We have plenty of free days out though to museums and parks, but I'd find it depressing to only limit us to those free things, because we get so much joy from the other experiences, and I think it shapes the dc's minds.

I was married to a complete spendthrift. Never had a penny. He would regularly raid my money set aside for bills.
After we split I was actually able to save and bought a house. My children and I had a good standard of living, certainly not on a high life scale, but I was able to save.
However my ex stopped paying maintenance about four years ago. Two years ago my daughter started college. With the two of these I can't afford to save. That does worry me but I just have to accept that this is my stage of life right now. I live a pretty frugal life.
On the flip side I know couples who worry if they can't save €1000k a month.
It's relative isn't it?

I was also brought up by frugal parents and I am very frugal, always have been.

Learning to cook and general 'home economics' are skills that bypassed many. I'd say the new man never had to spend one minute thinking about what's for dinner and never learned to plan meals, shop wisely, make something nice out of leftovers. Hence the frittering money away.

Keep on doing what you're doing. Keep the relationship with the new guy on a 'friendship' footing. (I think he might be interviewing you for the role of cook and housekeeper).

I was mindblown when I saw something on TV years ago. People were asked if they'd prefer to have £100 now and pay back £120 in 2 weeks, or wait for 2 weeks for £100. The amount of people who chose the first option was really disturbing, I was only a teen and remembered thinking how dumb people were. My parents always taught me to save up to buy things.

OP there is a very simple solution to get rid of this angst.
Just budget in fun money.
If you don't spend it carry it over . .

That goes for everyone just budget in fun money. Years ago on here there where debates about having a hot chocolate whilst out and about
It sounded so mean and joyless to never ever have something when you can avoid it

My DSCs mum has a vast amount of savings... But her children were never allowed a birthday party or a day trip or a holiday. She never put the heating on and they all sat in the dark to save electricity

I'm not sure there's any virtue in that. It cost her her marriage (DH wanted to live life). It means her children's memories of holidays with her are of endless days sat at home, maybe going for an occasional walk.

Whereas DH has taken his children all over Europe, they've tried different types of sports, have memories of days out at theme parks and museums.

My DH still has savings, no debt, a decent pension and house equity.

But I don't see the virtue in living like his ex, to live such a small life just fixated on having as much cash in the bank as possible

My parents were very frugal (by necessity although I didn't realise at the time) and DH's parents had very little money when he was younger. Consequently, we're both good with money and are savers. We go out a lot and don't hold back too much on what we spend but then we go to our local cheaper pubs and my clothes are from New Look, H&M, etc.

However when we go away for the weekend or on holiday, everything changes and we spend what we want and when we want as this is the one time where we don't want to think about saving on costs here and there.

Sometimes we think we're too into saving as the money mounts up and we're still in our small (but lovely) house and our families are in much bigger properties. However it works for us and we've been able to put the kids through University without worrying and will look forward to travelling more now they're grown up!

I don't think it's frugal to not want to pay £3 for a bottle of water when you can bring one with you.

Saving as much as possible to the detriment of your life now should I think only be a short term thing - a few years to raise a home deposit or clear debt

but clearly what counts as “detrimental to your life now” that varies hugely and those that are happier with a simple life are more likely to have a life with a little or a lot more in the bank for a rainy day.

so is the question - how to help chikdren to grow and value a simple life when the whole economy and society is based on people spending and getting more stuff - to the detriment of their financial stability and the plant

I take your point OP and obviously people shouldn’t live beyond their means but your description of your childhood is not one I want to give my children - the little joys like a hot chocolate from a cafe or proper ice cream from an ice cream shop are what makes me happy. I don’t think you can always do these things cheaper with a bit of planning

There’s a balance between spending nothing and £150 a night. He didn’t say he’s broke. He said he doesn’t want to spend £150 every time he goes out.

I’d say he has a more attitude to money than you do.

Agreed! And there is no moral superiority in being frugal. It’s different strokes for different folks depending on your budget and priorities.

I grew up in a family with no money. We didn't have 'days out', takeaways, meals out or anything. I had to work at the stables to get riding lessons, anything extra that we wanted or needed had to wait for birthdays. And then when my kids were small I was a single mum with no money at all. I had to penny pinch to buy them all an ice cream.

So now that they are all grown up I take delight in being able to buy things just because I want them. I try not to be too profligate, I still have to live, but the delight I get from a coffee shop cuppa and a bun is nobody's business. I think I appreciate being able to do what I want and buy what I want more than someone who's always been able to.

@wafflingwalnut exactly, not necessarily saying this is the OP but some people act like they are superior for being frugal and that’s no different to people who have money acting like they are superior.

Most people I know are frugal. The cost of living has made people like it a lot more too.

I’m always surprised at the long queue of people at the ice cream van outside the school gates most days. Maybe it’s not the same people buying every day, but it seems a bit silly to me to pay the extortionate prices instead of stopping at the Coop on the way home for a multi pack or at home already in the freezer.

But then I think, we spend a fortune on our holidays and maybe the people who regularly buy at the ice cream van don’t tend to go on holidays and instead prefer to spend it on those daily treats instead… who am I to judge.

But it would seem a bit joyless to never want to treat ourselves at all, just stashing away cash and depriving ourselves. No pockets in a shroud as they say.